Monday, May 08, 2006

Closing Time

Dear Friends:

I didn't know how to start my last post. At first, I figured I would just fake my death or just say that I was going to travel the world as a Fake Vomit sales rep. Truthfully, that would have been better seeing that the reason for my retirement is more boring that most of the posts in this crap-filled diaper of a blog.

At the same time, I found out there were rumors circling about my departure. Like I was the actual father of Tom Cruise's baby or that I was moving to Africa to continue my illicit affair with Angelina Jolie or even the one about me accidentally inventing the Chicken Flu.(This one may be true. I did combine a chicken nugget with pop rocks and Coke. Oops sorry)

Actually, I have decided to pursue other endeavors. Some regarding my job and some volunteer work I do.(Being a tanning boy for underprivileged swimsuit models.) Not to mention some projects I have lined up. Like learning a new language. (It's between Chinese or Sign Language)

Needless to say, I am going to be a bit busy.


Anyways, why didn't I just shut down the Underachiever's Corner and leave quietly? The truth is because I feel you guys are my friends and that I figure one or two of you would have had me killed. And so I couldn't just do a David Blaine and disappear. By the way David Blaine's motto is "I'm Gayer than David Copperfield"

Anyways, I wanted to thank you for visiting my bloggy blog. Thanks for being my imaginary internet friends, cardboard cut-out girlfriends, and of course, thanks for not calling the cops.

With that being said, here is a song...
Closing Time
By Semisonic

Closing time
Open all the doors
and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn all of the lights on
over every boy and every girl
Closing time
One last call for alcohol
so finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don't have to go home
but you can't stay here

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home

Closing time
Time for you to go out
to the places you will be from
Closing time
This room won't be open
till your brothers or your sisters come
So gather up your jackets,
move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend
Closing time
Every new beginning comes
from some other beginning's end

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home




I love ya, and I mean it from the bottom of my spleen. (Sorry, my heart is reserved for Adriana Lima, Scarlett Johansen, Kelly Clarkson and David Blaine.)


Love,

Alan ( Undr A. Chiever)


PS: Here's a poem I read. It's pretty durn good.


Miss Me, But Let Me Go
Author Unknown

When I come to the end of the road,
and the sun has set for me.
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room.
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little—but not too long,
and not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that was once shared.
Miss me, but let me go.

For this is a journey we all must take, and each must go alone.
It’s all a part of the master’s plan, a step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart, go to the friends we know.
Bear your sorrow in good deeds. Miss me, but let me go.

This made me sad and gave me explosive diarhea. Well the explosive diarhea was probably cuz I ate a rice cake I found on the floor.

Love ya, mean it!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

What I look like...on a good day.

Dear Undies:

As you know, I receive thousands of emails an hour. Most of them are entitled "Penis Enlargement and you". And then, I have the emails with countless questions to answer, like: "How did you find me, you perv?" and of course, "Did you get that Penis enlargement email I sent you. Love, Mom."

To be honest, the number 1 most common question I get is": "Why do you say 'squirrel scrotum' and Tortoise Testicles on a daily basis?" To which I respond, "It's therapeutic!" and run away like a little girl.

The second most common question I get from my 2.3 billion readers* is: "What do you look like?" To which I respond, "Like I'm gonna tell you so you call America's Most Wanted, psshaw!"

Anyways, to appease my ever dying fanbase, I present to you an exact replica of another replica of a sketch of yours truly...me!

It was skillfully drawn by the rejected students of the Blind Art Academy in Walla Walla Washington Gardens, in Hoboken New Jersey. (Home of the "Eyeless Monks" lacrosse team. Go Monks!)

Of course it has been photoshopped to remove my "extra" pinky toe and the hairy growth on my neck. You know, the one I call "Growthy". Anyways, I hope you like my picture.

Let me know, if not lie.

If you want one for made for you just visit the good people at this link! Or just ask Santa, he ain't doin' nuthin!

Love,

Unkie Undr

PS Thanks for your WHWLTWAIMLW? entries. They made me cry. Of course, I did place the iron on my hand this morning...twice. Love ya, mean it! Squirrel Scrotum!

*give or a take 2.3 billion.

Monday, May 01, 2006

WHWLTWWAIMLW?

Dear Undies:

Once again my boss at the boiled peanut stand has me busier than Pamela Anderson's plastic surgeon. I truly apologize for my tardiness. Anywho, buckle your seat belts and strap on your Stawberry Shortcake Helmet, it's time for WHWLTWAIMLW? For those of you who didn't know you had to wear a helmet, WHWLTWWALW stands for What Have We Learned This Week,Well Actually I Mean Last Week?

Here are the Instructions:

1. I tell you what I learned.

2. You tell me what you learned

3. and then shake it like it's nobody's business! (Not optional.)


Here we go:


This week I learned...

1. I have lost a total of 15 pounds in a month and a half. Which puts me at 756 pounds. I may actually be able to see my genitals any day now. Just kidding, I really don't want to see my genitals. Ok maybe a little...erm...no pun intended.

2. Australians are finally cracking down on a growing problem, an epidemic if you will. The australian police is going to get tough on eating and driving. Which is cool as long as they don't stop backhair removal and driving. Cuz that would hurt my weekends.

3. That I would make millions introducing my new weight loss excercise program. As a matter of fact here is a snippet of my infomercial.

Lady:

"Are you tired of trying to lose weight with all those boring excercise programs? I know I am. Of course, that was until I found out about Undr's Butt Clenching Workout!"

Announcer Guy:

"That's right. Undr's Butt Clenching workout is fun and easy to do. All you do is clench your butt at least 4000 times a day and you will lose weight faster than a heroine and meth addict combined. Not too mention a have a derriere that could repel bullets.

So if you want buttcheeks that can crack walnuts and a body to boot, Try Undr's Butt Clenching Workout!"

Announcer Guy: "The first 5 Million callers will receive Undr's Butt Clenching Chafing Cream and a great Mix tape with all your butt clenching hits." Order yours TODAY! (Not available in Puerto Rico, that is until the lawsuit gets resolved.)

Imagonnaberich!


3. I don't know how long I can keep this up.

That is what I done learned this week, how about you. Let me know if not make it up!

Love,

Undr


PS Love ya, mean it!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

It's me... who?

Dear Undies:

Sorry, I've not updated this blog since like forever. It's just that I've sorta got myself into a hypnotic trance by repeating the name Kelly Pickler 27,395 times. It's a fun name!

Anyways, since I've been away I figured you have forgotten about me. (Yeah, I know, WHO?)

That is why, I have done another survey so you remember who I be. I stole it from Anika, because I'm a big fat(but on a diet) stealer poopie-headed stinky pants.

So here it goes...


1. Can you tap dance? Only when I have a top hat and a cane

2. Do you own a pair of see-thru underwear? Yes, they are the ones with holes.

3. What color is the sky today? Gray.

4. Do you own a classic brown teddy bear? Yes, it's a teddy bear that has one of those cute little outfit and a funny name to match. She's called Slutty Slutterson. Teddy Ruxpin just LOVES her.

5. Is your favorite holiday Christmas? Confederate Memorial Day. The South will rise sometime!

6. Do you have an iPOD? No, but if I did you would be soo jealous.


7.If you had an iPOD mini, what color would you have? Green! or pale fuschia.

8. What song are you listening to? "Kill your boss with a freeze dried Banana" It's from Undr's Greatest Honky Tonk Hits.

9. Is it your favorite song? Yes, right after "I love you, like I like poo."

10. How many blogs have you had? One.

11. Have you ever made a blog survey? Not allowed.

12. Are you wearing any jewelry? My belly button ring. which is not really a belly button ring. It's just a key chain that got stuck down there.

13. Where does your grandma live? Orlando, FL

14. Are you an angry drunk? I'm an angry sober.

15. Do you prefer pen or pencil? Pencil. The eraser is an excellent ear wax remover.

16. Are you wearing deodorant? Yes. Secret. Strong enough for a man but made for a man who has no other deodorant and is too lazy to buy another one.

17. Ever been in an earthquake? Yes, a little one.


18. Is your birthday this month? No

19. Do all guys suck? Who knows.

20. Are you afraid of the dentist? Yes, and car salesmen and acrobats. They are soo creepy.

21. Do you know exactly what car you want? 1987 Yugo convertible with inflatable chairs or the Minty Squirrel Limited Edition.

22. Have you ever bought something from ebay? Yes. A replica of hair found in Angelina Jolie's shower drain.

23. Ever seen "boy meets world"? Yes. Loved that show.

24. Own a locket? No.

25. Do you share a locker? Just a toothbrush and a locket.

26. Ever dissected anything? A cat. It had a hairball and a roach in it's stomach.

27. Ever had a referral? Whaaa?

28. Still play with legos? Yes, but I only have one.

30. Insert question here.

31. Last time you wrote a note? Yes, it started out; "If you ever want to see Gary your gerbil again..."

32. Ever been on a cruise? Yes, I've eaten my weight in shrimp more than once on... the same trip.

33. Ever gotten pregnant by someone on a cruise? No but I was groped in a canoe once. Ok, twice.

34. Dyed your hair? Nevah! I have natural Pumpkin Orange #5 colored hair.

35. Like your handwriting? Nope. It's swirly like a girl's handwriting.

36. Do you eat? No, I absorb.

37. Are you wearing lotion? Just Palmolive dishwashing soap. Look Madge it's feels so soft!

38. Last time you talked on the phone? Yesterday.

39. Do you know what Victoria's Secret is? She's really a guy name Fredrick and he's from Hollywood.

40. Are you nice? When I sleep.

41. Ever been in love? Too many times.

42. What were you last halloween? A ballerina on crack.

43. Ever met a midget? Yes, but he was tall for his age.

44. Ever been to Cuba? No. But soon I will liberate them from the icy cold hands of Castro. And then I will rule with an iron fist.


45. Ever cut yourself shaving? Yes. Damn you Epilady!


46. Ever owned an exotic pet? Yes, a gay chihuahua.

47. Is it your birthday? No. But I'm wearing my birthday suit...it's a light blue tuxedo with ruffles.

48. Is it someone elses birthday? Yes, I figure


49. Had a good day? Yes. Any day where I don't get attacked by vicious man eating horny monkeys is a good day.

50. How long did this take you? It felt like five minutes...underwater.



Now that you know me, will you still be my friend?


Love,

Undr


PS Thanks for your WHWLTW? contributions. Love ya, mean it.

PPS Gunny, the porn thing was a joke. Black and Tan has 5 Volumes.

Monday, April 24, 2006

WHWLTW? I got a late pass...honest.

Dear Undies:

Can you believe how time flies? Yup, it's time once again for WHWLTW? No, it's not a disease you get from licking used popsicle sticks. It's What Have We Learned This Week? For those of you new to the Underachiever's Corner, this is an ongoing segment where we probe you...in a good way. Anyways, this is how it works: I tell you what I learned this past week and you do the same. It's so simple, it's scary.

This is what I learned this week.


1. That Katie Holmes and Wacko Cruise, have actually had a child. I was honored to be the first reporter to interview baby Suri. Here's how it went:

Undr: He-woh Suwi, you're a cute widdle baby, aren't ya? Goo-goo gah gah?

Suri: *gurgle*(then she proceeded to take a major dump in her diaper, which was not really a diaper. It was more like my hands)

and pretty much that was it. Afterwards, Tom and I had an afterbirth flavored slushy. Mmm, mmm.

2. Ben and Jerry's got in trouble for naming their new ice cream "Black and Tan" . Apparently, that was the name of a very violent British militia group during Ireland's war of independence. (Not to be confused with the Leprechaun/Midget Conflict of 1902 Hi Gareth!)

At the same time Ben and/or Jerry( I can't tell them apart) had to apologize for other name choices that might be considered offensive.

Here are examples of other names they scrapped.


Ben and Jerry's "Blood and Crips"

Ben and Jerry's "Osama Bin laden Crunch"

Ben and Jerry's "Placenta Surprise"(Especially made for some guy named Tom)

Ben and Jerry's "Track Marks"

Ben and Jerry's "Pimps and Hos"
Ben and Jerry's "Meth Lab Fudge"

and Ben and Jerry's "Lung Cookie and Pus"


In a related story the Gay Porn Industry will take "Black and Tan Volumes 1-3" off the shelves.



3. In order to aid in the rebuilding of New Orleans, the makers of Legos are asking kids to turn in their lego bricks and matching them with a real bricks. Wow, what a great gesture.

On that note, the makers of the critically acclaimed "Chia Pet" issued a statement in which they said; "You still have that piece of junk? Just throw it away already! Sheesh!"



4. and finally that Fredrick's of Hollywood is going to tone down and make their lingerie a little less skanky. De-skankify if you will. De-hookerize while your at it.

To which I say; "I object! Where else am I gonna get my Jewel Encrusted Tiger Striped Leather Strawberry-flavored G-String and matching bull whip? Where, I ask? Where?"


and that is what I learned. What about you? Let me know if not make it up.


Love,


Undr(*gurgle*)

PS thanks for letting me know your favorite words and for reading this junk. Love ya, mean it!

PPS: De-hookerize is SO a word.

Friday, April 21, 2006

These are a few of my favorite words.

Dear Undies:

I was just thinking about some words that I think are cool. Here are a few...


Doily (I can say this FOR. EVER!)

Boingy (It's a word. Honest!)

Poo

Sheboygan ("We are number 1 in Sheboygan!"--From Home Alone!)

Nomenclature (Don't know what it means, but who cares! It's a great word. I just add it to my sentences just to sound smart. Sample: "Dude you are so not cool, you are, like, nomenclature!"

Acidophilus (Awww those cute little good bacterias lining the intestines. Kinda makes you feel all warm and fuzzy in your tummy or is that the parasitic worms?)

Kumquat (It sounds naughty. hee-hee)

Putrid

Doodad

Engorged

Fenetre (it's french for window)

Finagle

Flimflam

Icky

Zoinks (Shaggy's favorite word.)

Fallopian




Are there any words you like? Let me know, if not make it up.


Love,

Undr

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Update! Part deux

Dear Undies:

First off, I'd like to report that Tom Cruise and Zombie Holmes have finally had(hatched) a child. Her name is Suri, which is Hebrew for "Nummy-num Placenta and Umbilical chord...mmm....mmm" My sources(sock puppet named Sebembo) say that Baby Suri uttered her first words; "Please, kill me!)

Anywhoo, my diet is going well. I have lost yet another 2 pounds. This makes me as happy as the time I found that kernel of corn in my belly button. It was still fresh! No the reason I'm happy is I finally get to wear my designer mu-mu! (Actually a tailored tent) I likey dee mumu!

The key is to weigh yourself nekkid. Which unbeknowst to me is illegal at the supermarket. Go figure. No lady, that is NOT a vienna sausage!

Actually, I started jogging. Well actually, it's more like speed walking. To be honest it's more like just regular walking. Ok, Ok the truth is I just sit down in front of the TV and think about the horrors of jogging. (It's the thought that counts.) Go me!

Also, I've been reading some of your blogs and it's truly spring time. No, not because of my pollen induced hacking-coughing-sneezing-seizures, it's because some of you are finding that special someone. Some of are dating, rekindling past loves or even getting your credit back with that 25 cent hooker named Limpy. (Named that on account of her limp) To which I say good for you! It makes me happy to see that...erm....(I promised myself I wouldn't cry)...happy to see that...Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Sorry.


Ok, what else? I guess that's pretty much it.

Love,


Undr

PS Let me know what'sahappeninghotstuff? Love ya, mean it!


PPS: Thanks for reading this crap. Check out the linky-links. You know you want to.

Monday, April 17, 2006

WDWLLW?

Dear Undies:

I'm sorry I'm late with "WHWLTW?". I was at a "How to remove your bodily hair with sandpaper and a fruit roll-up" convention. Again, my apologies. Anyways, because I am late I invented a new segment that is just like "WHWTLW?", but different. It's called WDWLLW? It stands for What Did We Learn Last Week? It's just like P.M.S. but with a little more rage.

It works similar to "WHWLTW?" I tell you what I learned and then you put your clothes back on and tell me what you learned.


This is what I be learnin':

1. That the correct equation is: Shake + Shake+ Shake + shakeshakeshake= Shake your booty. Duh!

2. Wearing thermal underwear to protest the coming of Spring is not a good idea. What with the chafing and all...

3. I have more will power than I thought. I haven't cheated on my diet and it's only been a month. Of course, to avoid cravings I have the children from my street pelt me with rocks. It works, honest.

4. Prunes are cool. They were like super-secret spies! As opposed to the figs. Darn Fruity Commies!

Anyhoo that's what I learned. How about you? Let me know it not make it up.


Love,

Undr

PS Thanks for stopping by and humoring me. Love ya, mean it!


Quote of the week: "Live like you will have time to die. Because if you are granted that time and you have lived right, your friends will be there. They will cry and tell you stories and laugh.

And you will see what you did while you were here." Credit ever so purty Shari

2nd Quote of the week: "If my voice cracks like a pre-pubescent boy, don't laugh. It's just cause I'm nervous." credit the ever so lovely Anika.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

stuff about me

Dear Undies,

I have received thousands of emails requesting more info about yours truly. Actually, it was one email and it was titled "Makin' out with Jellyfish." I didn't read it honest.

Anyways, here's more stuff that may of may not be true about me. Read on. I suggest bringing a light snack, it's a doozy.

STUFF ABOUT ME

1. First name? Undr
2. Were you named after anyone? NO
3. Do you wish on stars? NO
4. When did you last cry? YESTERDAY
5. Do you like your handwriting? HeLl nO
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Filet Mignon Slices
7. What is your birthday? 7/12/75
8.What is your most embarrassing moment? The time my CPR dummy died in my arms. It was bittersweet.
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Yes, but I'd watch me veeeery closely. I look suspicious.
10. Do you have a diary? No it's a Manly book of thoughts and drawings of flowers.
11. What are your nicknames? Undie, Undie stain, Underoo, Undrini bini and Margaret Thatcher.
12. Would you bungee jump? Nah!
13. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Nope. I rip em off cuz I'm a rebel that way...oh yeah and they're velcro.
14. Do you think that you are strong? a little.
15. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?Coffee oh yeah and cocaine.
16. Shoe Size? 9
17. Red or Pink? RED
18. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My existence.
19. Who do you miss most? You.
20. Do you want everyone you read this and do one themselves? I ain't the boss of them.
21. What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now? Blue jeans and bare foot.
22. What are you listening to right now? The evil voices in my head. They all sound like Michael Bolton and Richard Simmons.
23. What was the last thing you ate? Tofu Chili
24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Black
25. What is the weather like right now? Chilly Willy.
26. Last person you talked to on the phone? Boseephus
27. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Eyes
28. Do you like the person who sent this to you? If I could only remember. I think her name was Stinky.
29. Favorite Drink? Water
30. Favorite Sport? Baseball
31. Hair Color? Black
32. Eye Color? Brown
33. Do you wear contacts? Yes they're made out of glass they're so thick.
34. Favorite Food? Diet.
35. Last Movie You Watched? Chicken Little.
36. Favorite Day Of The Year? None.
37. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Happy movies Scary endings.
38. Summer or winter? WINTER
39. Hugs OR Kisses? BOTH
40. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Rice Cake surprise.
41. Who Is Most Likely To Respond? Huh?
42. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? I don't know.
43. Living Arrangements? Basement.
44. What books are you reading? None.
45. What's On Your Mouse Pad? Nuthin.
46. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Nuthin
47. Favorite Smells? Sunshine
48. Favorite Sounds? laughter
49. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles.
50. What's the furthest you've been from home? Spain
51. Do you have a special talent? YES underarm noises.
52. If you could travel anywhere, without finances being an issue, wherewould you go? Canada and then maybe Iowa.
53. How long has it been since you last saw the person that sent this to you? They haunt me constantly.
54. Would you like to see them soon? Why not.
55. If you could be someone for one day who would you be? Adriana Lima's wash rag.
56. If you won the lottery what would you spend it on? Hungy Children and traveling.
57. What is the longest friendship you have? My imaginary friend Binky. He tells me to burn stuff.
58. If you could live anywhere in the world where would you live? New York, again
59. What is the one thing in your life that you would change? the size of my peni... um my hair.


wow that was too long.

Love,

Undr

PS Love ya, mean it!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Prunes Prunes good for the butt...

Dear Undies,

Most of you know me as a being a non-political tree hugging, baby seal beating, meat eating vegetarian. But deep down inside I have a soft spot for courageous fruit.

As I was reading my daily dose of por... um... I mean...crocheting websites, I stumbled across this report. Apparently prunes are possibly the bravest fruit you will ever meet...or eat for that matter.

True, it had been considered for years to be solely responsible for exploding diarhea among the elderly, but now prunes are actually considered heroes from WWII. According to the aforementioned report they were used as a secret weapon in transporting maps documents and believe it or not raisins. Ok maybe not raisins.

The point is, we must take out time from our busy schedules, have a moment of silence and salute this patriotic fruit. Yes, we salute you, old mighty Prune. Yes, The whole world thanks you!


(Disclaimer: Despite what you think these are not rabbit droppings, although they very well could be.)

Here's a poem:

Prunes, Prunes good for the heart

The more you eat

The more you clean your colon and save the world.

(It's not supposed to rhyme!)

I just wish those lazy nectarines would learn something from the prunes. Stupid nectarines. We love you Pruneys!

Love,

Undr


PS Let's keep in mind those who are sick among us, like Linda or those who have stapled their fingers or any others who ain't doin' so good. Get well soon. Love ya mean it.

PPS: Make sure you check out the linky links, they talk about deeper stuff like the effects of Avocados during the Civil War. Guacamole Unite!

****Update***** I just got a message: Apparently, the California Raisins are a little bit pissed that I didn't mention their efforts for making Raisins "cool to eat." My apologies. In my defense, I just think they're creepy.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

If you need me I'll be in the corner...crying.

Dear Undies:

I hope everyone's weekend was as fantabulistic as mine. I went jogging on Sunday and I regained consciousness on Tuesday. I think that's normal. Hey! What's this IV doing stuck in my arm? Oh no worries! It's a non-fat Wheat Germ and Seaweed flavored Soy milk shake IV. mmmmm yuck!

Anyways, What in the blue blazes is wrong with me? Sheesh!



Your Inner Child Is Sad


You're a very sensitive soul.

I cry when I see those sad, sad commercials involving scantily clad woman wrestling.


You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have.

Heck no! I moisturize.


Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone.

Yes, I call it my "Dark place" and there's always cotton candy and Gin.


You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time...

and they stop laughing at my beanie. It has a propeller, ya know!


How Is Your Inner Child?




umm I think I need a drink. Shirley Temple anyone?


Love,

Undr(crying on the inside... big baby)

PS Thanks for your WHWLTW contributions. I raaaally appreciate it! Love ya, mean it!

Saturday, April 08, 2006

WHWLTW? Yet, again.

Dear Undies:

Guess what time it is kiddies!? No, it's not time to change you 3-day old diapers. It's time for WHWLTW? Now if you're visiting here for the first time or have the memory of a fruit fly, you may be asking yourself, what in the Hellemenopee is WHWLTW? Well, I'll tell ya, fruity! It stands for What Have We Learned This Week? It's an ongoing segment here at Da' Corner. Sorta like Kate Couric's evil plans to take over the world, but different.

This is how it works. I tell you what I learned and if you're so kind you can let me know what you learned. If you don't I will cry until I poop my pants. Which I can totally do without crying.

Anyways, this is what I learned this week...

1. Dewey has not had a cigarette for 10 days! (In Cigarette quitting years, that's about 2 years.) Keep up the good work and for the love of mike please stop stabbing that pillow with a Bic pen!

2. Anika has delighted us with 300 posts! Great Job! As a prize I have 300 packs of cigarettes I confiscated from Dewey's Home. Hey it's never too late to start and then quit.

3. I definitely getting my hair cut at Trollz Cutz. Finally a hair salon that caters to the Hip Troll looking crowd. I can't wait for Trollz Tanz or Trollz Full Body Chemical Peelz. You know, I am so there!

4. Eminem and Kim are getting a divorce. Ummmmm... Can I get a DUUUUUH?

5. Lindsay "Heroine Skank" Lohan showed her bootay at a Nickolodeon Kids Choice Award. Sure they don't arrest HER, but I show my booty at that old folks home ten times and all hell breaks loose.

6. The Simpsons are making a movie! Suuuhhhwweeeeet! I am standing in line as we speak.


7. and finally...I learned that I have lost 9 lbs in two weeks. Yahhoooo! Of course, I did have a 7 lbs mole removed from my butt cheek. I call him "Moley". Maybe I'll have him stuffed and placed on my mantel as an ornament. Ha-ha! Just kidding. I don't have a mantel. I'll just put him in the fridge next to Stoney, my Golf ball shaped Kidney Stone.


Well that's what I learned this week. What about you? Let me know, if not make it up.

Love and junk,

UNdr

PS Thanks for another great week! Love ya, mean it!




Quote of the Week: "Today I feel good, because I do feel. Something, anything, other than numbness. It's what makes me remember I'm alive, not just existing.
I don't know why I feel different now, but I'll take what I can get and enjoy it while it lasts."
(Terri of Terri's Web Stuff fame.)

Friday, April 07, 2006

Another meme

Dear Undies,

As you very well know, I am always trying to get you to know me a little better. Therefore, I have inundated you with more meme's than you can shake a stick at. I mean, try it! Yeah go ahead. Shake a stick at it! You see? I told you so!

Anyways, here is another little peek up the skirt of my life. (Just as you suspected, "Sponge Bob Square Pants" Suede G-String."

Here we go...



If you were a food, what would you be?

Normally, I would say General Tso's Chicken, but I am on a diet. Therefore, it's Rice Cake and Water Surprise. ( The surprise is there is no water.)


What do you think is the greatest invention?

Toilet Paper.


Why?

I am a Toilet Paper Origami master. My specialty is "The Square"


What is your earliest childhood memory?

I remember thinking what the hell is up with this "Duck-Duck Goose" crap?


Is there something that you memorized long ago and still remember?

The Rap in the New Edition Song "Cool it Now" Ronnie Bobby Ricky and Mike, if I like the girl who cares who you like.

Which way does the toilet paper roll go? Over or under?

Undr, baby. It's always Undr! Actually, I thought it was front to back...erm nevermind.

What is your favorite season of the year?

Autumn and Wabbit.


Why?

I just do. Sheesh!

What superpower would you like to have?

Fly.

What would you do with it?

Fly and spit on unsuspecting bad people.


If you had to move to another state, which one would you choose?

Canada. I know it's not a state...yet.

Why?

I love frost bite in the summer time and for draft dodging purposes. Oh yeah and quaint 2 story Victorian igloos.



Well, that's it. Now, if you don't mind, I am off to join a Biker Gang. It's called the Ya-Ya Sisterhood of Traveling Pants. They have cool pink pleather jackets with fuzzy pom-poms and matching switchblades. We are so bad!

Love,

Undr

PS If you've reached this message in error please hang up and dial again. Love ya, mean it!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

sexy sexy

Dear Undies:

I'd like to congratulate Ms. Scarlett Johansson for being voted the Sexiest Woman according to FHM magazine.( Now, in my defense I'd like to say that I only buy FHM for the articles about Scrapbooking and Crocheting. Honest!)




Hubba Hubba Meoooow! Hissss! Buuuuurp! (oops)


Now if you'll excuse me, I am writing Ms. Johansson my 1,237th marriage proposal. Oh yeah, I know she'll come around.

Besides that restraining order... honest mistake! I just know it.

love,

undr(stalker for the stars)

PS But she's not as sexy as you. Love ya, mean it!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Air geetar!

Dear Undies,

Here is the list of Top Ten Guitar Solos of all time. So break out your air geetars and start rippin!

For those of you who can't play the air guitar, you may choose any air instrument. Like the Air Kazoo or the Air Ukelele or even the Air Dijeridoo



Top 10 Guitar Solos

1. Led Zeppelin - Stairway to Heaven
2. Van Halen - Eruption
3. Guns N' Roses - Paradise City
4. The Eagles - Hotel California
5. Metallica - Enter Sandman
6. Cream - Crossroads
7. Jimi Hendrix - Voodoo Child (Slight Return)
8. Ozzy Osbourne - Crazy Train
9. Free - All Right Now
10. Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody


Personally, I'm a little surprised Raffi isn't here but I guess it isn't everyone's cup o' tea.


Love,


Undr


PS Rock on! Love ya, mean it!

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