Thursday, June 30, 2005

Poem from an eternal Sophomore

Here's a poem I wrote: (its crap, but I'm paying rent here. So bug off!)

INK

When will we wake up?
When will the reverie subside?
When this world we made up,
collapsing, walls of lies.

We painted pictures
swam in colors and did not sink
We spilled the tincture
and we're drowning in the ink

I'm crying, you're not
We both lose in this game
You're dying, I'm not
only have ourselves to blame

When did we think that wrong was right
Now our realities collide
out of a wreckage no one survives
as we watch the fire die.

Thank you. Now make sure you support our fellow bloggers. Check out the linky links. You will be entertained. At the very least.

UNdr

Coldplay is da bomb diggity(what the hell?)

Yo! Peeps(translation for the white bread american: Hello fellow americans)

I don't sponsor much, because i hate corporate america(Don't Forget to Drink Coke) and I would never purposely sell you something that you could not benefit from(Buy the Clapper.) However, I bought the new Coldplay CD X&Y and it is awesome. Love the songs: "Fix you", "What if"; "Swallowed in the Sea"; and the Hidden Track: "Till kingdom Come".

Therefore: I command thee to purchase this CD and enjoy the musical stylings of Coldplay.

Shop at Walmart:

UndR "The sellout"

tell me what you think.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Editors Note. Wonder Briefs.

Okay, let me get this straight; According to the comments, you people think I was considering getting a pair of the wonder briefs. What? you dont know what I'm talking about? Well just scroll down to Wonder Briefs post and read that and its comments. Its okay go ahead now, yeah, sure I'll wait.

While under waits:

doo doo doodoo doo doo doodoo doodoodooodooo doodoo doo doo(humming the price is right theme song)

Walking to kitchen to get a sandwich. Yup, plain ham and cheese on wheat.

Looks both ways, makes sure no one is looking and scratches left butt cheek.

Runs to bathroom to apply neosporin to left butt cheek

Note to self: Must trim finger nails.

Okay, your back. Now back to my editors note.
First of all I didnt make this up. (please click on title and it will link you to the msnbc.com article
Secondly, I don't intend to buy any of male enhancing underwear. Lift and Separate all right. Sheesh!
I am proud of my "talents" or package as you ladies put it.

I figure, if I wanted the ladies to look at my package, I would simply just buy them a microscope.

Thank you,

Editor in chief Undr PHD MD DDS

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Interview

Well, finally! Some recognition for my hard work and sacrifice. I usually don't like to do interviews but Overshop begged me(actually, I asked her) to do an interview. She has been tracking me down(I found her hitting Next Blog) and so after talking to my agent(my sock puppet named Sebembo) I decided to do it.


Here are 5 interview questions:
1. What is the worst thing you've ever done without getting caught?
Stole a ring from my mom and gave it to a girl I liked. (I was 11 years old.) She didnt like me but wore the ring.

2. What is your longest relationship?
7 years.

3. If you could live your life trapped in a decade, which would it be?
I'm trapped in this one.

4. Which song best represents who you are?
at the moment: Loser. Beck


5. What is your favorite shirt?
I have a Charlie Brown(yellow and squigilly lines) Love it.

Now here are the instructions:
The Instructions:1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions -- each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Now because I am lazy i may just do the same questions. So let me know. comment or email. I dont care its your stamp(uh well you know what I mean)

No autographs please.

UNdr

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Wonder Briefs?

Ok, these are some of the new briefs that are supposed revolutionize our underwear wearing experience. It (blushing) enhances your god given talents. It resembles the wonder-bra technology. These are actual brands of said undergarments. I couldn't make this up.

Please feel free to comment or send me a pair to try on. Boxers are my underwear of choice. Of course I own 235 tighty whiteys and 2 boxer shorts. go figure.

1.ADAM PLUS EVE ($25; adam pluseve.com). A center seam in the pouch holds everything up; less fabric at the hips prevents bunching under tight jeans. How it feels: "Like wearing your mother's underwear." Watch out for a wedgie.
2. UNICO ($15; freshpair.com). This pair is cup-shaped to enhance what nature gave you. Comes with a strip of mesh, if you prefer to walk on the wild side. How it feels: "Too tight. I don't think I could wear them for more than an hour."
3. C-IN2 ($15; freshpair.com). A microfiber sling is sewn into the pouch. Slip it on for a lift-and-separate effect (not unlike your girlfriend's bra). How it feels: "Damn sexy." Still, "it could use some instructions."
4. DSQUARED ($79 at Saks Fifth Avenue). These ride lower and the pouch is cut shorter for extra lift. How it feels: "These did fill [me] out more—and they're still fairly comfortable."



"lift and separate effect"? I don't want to know


Uncomfortably yours,


UNdr

Habits, Shmabits

Well, my friends its time to fess up. Don't run away like frightened roaches at the sight of light. Come on. Okay.

Uncle Undr wants to know your annoying habits. For example, sucking your teeth clean for two hours until the enamel is about gone. Or picking your teeth with a toe nail you found on the floor. And who can stand the way you constantly pick your belly button lint and flick it. Geesh!

So, what's yours? Don't worry, I wont tell.

Here's one from me: I can't eat without using at least 329 napkins. I don't know. I am constantly reusing them. Not because I'm a pig its just I have to make sure I have enough in case I have to clean a mess, like spilled wine or a tsunami blows through the restaurant. Annoying.

Or the fact that I nickname everyone. Like, Twitchy, Goober and Magillicuddy. Depends, of course, on your name. There has to be some resemblance. I have standards you know.


Send me yours and I will send you a nice fruit basket. It has fruit, you know, and its in a basket*

Help a brother out,

UNdr

P.S. Please support the victims that read this blog check out the linky links.

*will not actually send fruit basket, not allowed from prison.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Obituary

Somedays, the birds are singing beautifully, the sky is bright with optimism, all the astros are aligned and everything is just fine and dandy. Ahhh!

Today was not one of those days.
So, my mind was filled with morbid thoughts. One of which was: what would I like my obituary to say.
And so I ask you, The Undies, to let me know what your obituary would say or what you would like it to say. Heres a sample of my obit(funeral lingo):


Undr
Died January 1, 2156
After many attempts of resuscitation(150 years to be exact)
and a week of cryogenics(frozen in Kool-Aid) Underachiever has died
the day after receiving his inheritance from his long lost father Bill Gates, from complications from a paper cut to the jugular at a Dollar Store that was built inside a Walmart. Survived by a pet spider-monkey named Ulysses.
Send me yours.
Love,
UndR

Monday, June 20, 2005

What kind of Sandwich are you

So, what kind of Sandwich are you? Let me know your results.

UnDr

P.S. I will take the quiz now, but I know I am just a plain ham and cheese on wheat.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Special Day

Today, we should take some time to think about a very influential person in our life. This person has been with us through think and thin. Showing us the true meaning of life. Helping us achieve goals that we thought we might never accomplish. Yes, its a day to remember THE BULLY.

Yes, the bullies in our live made us who we are: a traumatized adult, full of emotional scars that neosporin cannot help heal. We must thank the bully for helping us accomplish feats such as running for our lives, becoming more and more unnoticeable so you wouldn't beat us up for one day. And of course who can forget how the bully helped us lose weight by stealing our lunch money. Ah, the memories.

And so for all the wedgies, purple nurples, indian rubs and wet willies... We salute you, may you realize that we are better than you, and not beat us up for it.

crying in the fetal position in a dark corner:

UndR

Friday, June 17, 2005

I just can't suck a sucker!

Dear Undies:

I have decided to let you in on one of my few disturbing traits.
I have no patience to lick a lollipop. I soon as it is in my mouth, I have to bite the crap out of it and throw the stick away.
Especially the Blow Pop kind. If there is gum I must get to it before, uh well, I don't know it blows up.
So if I was the Owl from the Old Tootsie Pop Commercial and the stupid midget or child ask me How many licks does it take to get to the center of the Tootsie Pop? I would throw the stick at him and fly away. There's, your answer you lawn gnome!

Who has the time? That's why I don't like Jaw Breakers. It goes against this anomaly.

Yes I know, one day I might lose a tooth, but damn it, I just can't suck a sucker.

With a little animosity:

Undr

P.S. yeah yeah , I hear your sexual innuendos you sick bastards!

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

My 100 part deux

Okay after a long hiatus, and requests from the many fans I have(hi mom) I will continue my 100. Where did I leave off. Ah yes.

51. I love Pearl Jam
52. “Black” is my favorite song, followed by “Elderly Woman behind the counter in a small town”, followed by jeremy.
53. I used to work for the airlines. I was a ticket agent. I thought of death many a time while working there. But I got to fly for free.
54. I went to Hawaii. Flew stand by. Nice trip going there. But, got stuck in Honolulu for two days on the way back. Slept at the airport. They had Hula music blasting all night long. It was fun.
55. I love wearing ties.
56. I don’t take compliments well.
57. For some strange reason, every time I go into a Movie Rental Place like Blockbuster, I always have this sudden urge to use the bathroom. (I guess its because they don’t have a public bathroom)
58. Believe it or not, I actually feel liberated when I wear boxers instead of briefs.
59. I would be an awesome hippie, except I would shower more. (See # 11)
60. I am well endowed. I’m hung like a bear… a care bear. Pah dum bum tish (rim shot)
61. I went to Catholic school. They had nuns and none nuns as teachers. I was in love with Ms. Small(non-nun), my second grade teaching babe. When I look at some old pictures. She was a hound.
62. In the third grade I received critical acclaim for a short story about what I would like to be. I said I would be a coin. This coin would travel the world in different celebrities’ pockets. One of which was Michael Jackson. (I guess that’s not the only way to get into his pants… pah dum bum tish (again with the rim shot.)
63. First grade I fell in love with this beautiful blonde girl named Julie. She smiled at me a lot (that was the extent of our relationship. It was doomed from the beginning). After Christmas break, this torrid love affair went south. She lost her two front teeth. I couldn’t see myself with some toothless hussy. Little did I know that they would grow back. D’oh!
64. I like speaking in public. Although,
65. I am terribly shy.
66. I’ve worked in the Walt Disney World Dolphin Hotel. I was a bus boy. Ahem excuse me, servers assistant.
67. I love the book of Mice and Men.
68. A poem I wrote back in middle school (junior high): Ahem.
Roses are Red, Vidal Sasoon
If you don’t look good
You’re probably ugly.
69. I once had a fight in school. Three administrators passed by and said nothing. They thought we were playing. We must’ve been fighting like idiots.
70. I was in the first Graduating class of a newly built high school in Orlando, Fl.
71. I can’t draw worth a lick
72. I was driving to work the day Kurt Cobain killed himself (actually, I think Courtney did it)
73. I wear contact lenses.
74. I’ve been to Spain, France, Dominican Republic and Mexico.
75. I want to drive to the Grand Canyon from Georgia.
76. I have a love hate relationship with Cruises. (I get sea sick)
77. I had a Chihuahua who was killed by the #36 bus in Bronx, NY. His name was Olaf.
78. I think pregnant women are beautiful. Not in a sick way, you perv.
79. I’m going to a gym. Got a little belly I must kill.
80. Hate chicken gizzards and liver. Not together or separate.
81. I won’t argue with a cashier if she shortchanges me less than a buck.
82. I’m terrible at math.
83. First car: Plymouth Sundance-Crap
84. Favorite song at the moment: Mr. Brightside by the Killers (yeah they’re overplaying it)
85. Favorite country song: “What might have been” by Little Texas. It’s the only country song I know.
86. I want an Ipod.
87. I love to read John Grisham novels (the lawyer ones none of that christmasy crap)
88. I’m afraid to have children because I’m sure I’ll screw them up.
89. “Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun” I don’t know why this was on my mind.
90. Favorite Cereal as a Kid: Fruit loops
91. Worst Cereal ever: “Kaboom!” It had a killer clown on the cover and it tasted like sheet rock.
92. Favorite word: Neomaxyzoomdweebie. Yeah, remember from “the Breakfast club”
93. Most disturbing film I have seen “Saving Private Ryan”
94. Favorite color: Black
95. Favorite color I love to make fun of Pale Fuchsia (what the hell is that?)

And now a word from our sponsor:

Preparation H. Yes, you can use it to prevent bags under your eyes, but make sure you apply to your eyes first. If not, well you get the picture.

The following public service announcement was from: AOPWPSE (the Association of people with poop smelling eyes.)

And now back to our feature presentation already in progress:

96. I once threw a turtle at a friend, who had a baseball bat. He smacked the bejesus out of that thing. I felt bad.
97. I love going into Toys r us.
98. I hate dollar stores and Wal-Mart, but if I ever go into one of those things, I buy a bunch of stuff.
99. I love Pizza, Italian Ices and spaghetti. Who doesn’t?


and last but not least

100. “The opinions expressed are not necessarily the opinions of this station or its affiliates.” I love it when they say that on TV because I know an infomercial’s coming. Run for the hills!!!!


Thanks for wasting your time reading this crap. Now go do something useful. And for crying out loud stop hitting your sister!



Love,


Undr

P.S. Does any one remember that kids show Romper Room? I’m still paying therapy for the damages it caused. The lady would look at the invisible mirror and call out children’s name. She never called mine.

My 100

I thought about something the other day. I told myself, self, why don't you do something original. I said to meself, I says, write down a hundred things about yourself. Great idea. I just hope noboby else does it.

Anyhoooooooooo. Here are my hundred.


Undrs 100 things you may or may not want to know about me.

1 I love plain white rice
2 The last two times I cried, I was in the shower
3 I have a way of retaining useless information
4 I love poetry, but I wish I knew how to write.
5 I wish I were rich but not materialistic
6 If I were rich, I would be materialistic
7 I tried to get drunk once, I was sick for two days
8 I hate beer, but I drink it anyway
9 I don’t mind girly drinks, no umbrellas though
10 I can’t memorize poems
11 I shower at least twice a day, sometimes more when I’m stressed
12 I am not what you would consider a Handy man. But I know how to hammer screws.
13 I used to get a lot of crushes on girls. And they were always out of my league. (Since First Grade)
14 I like older woman, don’t mind young ones
15 Law and Order, C.S.I, Without a trace, I love these shows
16 Deathly afraid of Wasps, Bees, and Hornets. Mosquitoes? No I can take mosquitoes.
17 I do not know how to flirt. I always come off as creepy. (How are you little girl? Ugh! It gives me the creeps
18 I love Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle
19 The Simpsons are awesome
20 Bummed about “Arrested Development” (the show not the rap group)
21 I watched “Super Size Me” and all I could think about was eating at McDonalds.
22 Baseball is my favorite sport. (I used to play in a league, but those girls got too tough. Hee-hee )
23 I don’t have any tattoos because I think they would hurt like a mother.
24 In New York, when I was about 10, I stole a pair Handcuffs from a street vendor. I got as far as my apartment building when I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was the vendor asking me for money. I got so scared; I thought I would go blind (literally) No one know about this.
25 As a kid, I couldn’t pretend to be Superman, because I had lost my two front baby teeth and I wore glasses. (You see, Superman has all his teeth, and doesn’t wear glasses. I was not right for the role.)
26 Ditto on pretending to be Tarzan
27 I wish I could play guitar. Promised myself I would learn by the time I was 30. I got an extension now its 35.
28 I have secrets to take to my grave. (If I told you I couldn’t take them to my grave, now could I?
29 No broken bones, yet.
30 Afraid of heights, not of flying
31 Hate last 30 minutes of any flight.
32 Born on Bill Cosby’s birthday
33 I love it when people say supposebly, fusstrated, and probally.
34 I hate it when people say per se.
35 Like now, per se.
36 First thing I notice about a woman are her eyes. (To make sure she doesn’t see me looking at her boobs---just kidding)
37 Second thing I notice is her laughter.
38 People have bad hair days; I have a bad hair life.
39 I’ve lived in New York (bad neighborhoods), Orlando (suburbs) Georgia, (country)
40 Love to sing. Do it all the time. Do it alone. But then criticize myself because I can’t sing.
41 On Bewitched, the show, I prefer the first Darren.
42 I love candy, as a food group.
43 Specifically, tootsie rolls minis (skinny ones not the fat ones: Midgees) Now and Laters, and personal favorite the Sugar Daddy.
44 I would love to be a radio Deejay.
45 As a kid, I wanted to be a journalist.
46 I remember all the girls I’ve liked since I was in first grade.
47 I have never smoked weed, but I have inhaled it seconhandedly.
48 I think General Tso’s chicken is delicious. I salute you, General!
49 I stay at my job,although I hate it because my boss is my friend.
50 I’ve never actually been to a club. I’m afraid they’ll never let me in, like in the movies.


Lets pause for this commercial break.

Ever get that itchy feeling in the rear? Well, No fear, Undr’s African Booty Scratcher is here. Yes this patented wooden stick is great for those times where your nails aren’t enough. Its little leather loop is excellent for storage. Easy to clean, just let soak in Clorox for about two weeks between uses. Always use with your clothes on because that is just gross.
So order now, or pick one up at any hardware store. The African Booty Scratcher, try one today.

Disclaimer, may cause bleeding and infection. And for the love of mike stop flinging it around you’ll poke you eye out.

Now back to our list.

To be continued…

Ooooh! I’m such a tease

Undr

Monday, June 13, 2005

Skeletor Lives!!!!!


I'm sorry to have this guy on the blog, but Who's hand is that covering Mike's Mouth? Its bigger than his head. What is up? Oh yeah, it seems he was on trial for something and he was not guilty.
Is that MC Hammer in the background?
UNdr Posted by Hello

Captions anyone? Let me know.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Sucky Weekend

This was a pretty crappy weekend here at the Loser Farm. It rained all weekend and when it was not raining it was raining like hell. I could have used all the free time I had, to think of awesome blog topics, but I didn't. So now its Sunday, the paper is due and I have nothing to write about.

Nevertheless I am threatening to write my 100 list. I am actually making a project of it(despite going against my underachieving attitude). I will go to the deepest corner of myself to write a halfway decent 100 list.

Here are a few that won't make the cut.

#23 I don't sweat much (which will be one of the reasons I die, I just know it.)

#72B I love Honey Mustard ( its sweet yet mustardy)

#63A Only concert I've been to is a Sting Concert ( don't ask, I did it for a girl . Well at least Natalie Merchant opened for him Oh! God! That's pathetic!)

#45.5 I started 5 Novels but never finished the first paragraph for any one of them. (This guy too, but for the most part, his underachieving is interesting)

You see? These are crappy ones, not to mention a little on the embarrassing side(except for the honey mustard, I really love that stuff.)

So, stay tuned, don't turn that dial and for pete's sake get your feet of the coffee table!


Love


UNdr

P.S. Please share with your Uncle Undr the list of things unworthy of your 100 list.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Skinned knees and scars

Every so often I get a little nostalgic, and I reminisce about my past. Maybe you do the same. Something triggers your mind to go back to those awkward years as a kid or teen. I was rubbing my knee from an old sports injury(fell going to the fridge from the couch) and I saw an old scar on my right knee.

I remembered the exact day it happened, where I was going and how I thought that I might go blind from the pain. Then I remembered past girlfriends and where I went wrong. I recall Old friends I've lost touch with and words I said, but now regret.

It's funny, how things turn out or how they don't.

The truth is only I know how that scar came to be, how much it hurt then, and for what its worth, I guess I'm glad it happened to me.

Love,


UNdr



P.S. don't mind me I feel a lil' melancholy tonight.

Keep sending me your secrets, redneck names, country western songs.

Beading gal linda sent me this country tune: Tobacco Juice Kisses (loved it)

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Country Western Songs

Dear UNdies:

For a couple of years now country music has sparked the interest of some folk. Therefore, here at "Da Corner" we are starting to write some country songs. Well, just the titles. So if you have any ideas let me know. What do you mean? You ask. Well, for starters here are some that we have written.

The upbeat: "You are my second cousin, You Can Marry me" Can you imagine dancing at a wedding to this song.

Or the soon to be Classic "You're not like my ex, you actually hit back" Aww can you feel the love?

and of course the top 40 superhit "Don't come into my life with your muddy boots" (the trailer song)

Yes and all these hits can be yours uh well as soon as we actually write lyrics to them.

Anyhow, you can add to my compilation by sending me your song titles.

Love,

UNdr

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Whhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!

I don't know how it happened but I got conned to see (get this) "Baby Geniuses 2: Superbabies" on DVD no less.


I didn't know there was a part 1. Crappy! Crappy! Crapola!

What else can I say?

Love,

UNdr


p.s. The name of one of the babies was Kahuna. Does this make any sense?

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Favorite Redneck Names

If you had a redneck child, what would you name it?

I would name a Skoal chewing baby boy:

Cletus

Or a Daisy duke, bathtub gin drinking little girl:

Lerlene

Just a thought. Let me know your rednecky names.

Love,


UNdr

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

When the Fit hits the Shan

Landslides in California, Lindsay Lohan in a car crash, Tom Cruise engaged with Katie( I have nasty coldsores on my lips) Holmes? Is this the sign of the apocalypse or what? I thought he was gay? Well, I know Elijah Wood is. (Funny Website)

Anywhoo, (I hate when people say that) Just keep sending me your darkest secrets or atleast your funny, annoying ones. Here's another one of my secrets:


For some unknown reason I love little brown paper bags. You know, the ones they put candy in at the gas station. Weird, I know!

Love,

UNdr

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