Saturday, July 30, 2005

Your Questions Answered.

Here are your questions to the allknowingest person in the world. Me!

By the way, according to the consensus, I am the Greatest. Thank you. All these bloggers can't be wrong.
Here goes:

Anonymous said...
dear Mr. Achiever,if i like to play "baby" in the bedroom, but i'm pregnant, is that a conflict? please advise.thanks,baby lover
10:00 PM, July 29, 2005

Underachiever said...
Dear Baby Lover,Although a very intriguing queskion, I must say that yes there is a conflict. I advise you to depregnatize and then continue to play baby. For now just play pregnant baby. and for pete's sake please remember the soft spot.

Ahem, you forgot to say I'm the greatest.(It's ok you're a beginner)

Undr(I had to look up playing baby to answer this. Weird, intresting but Weird)

beadinggalinMS said...
Dear Under, You are the greatest(not for sure what you are the greatest at but I didnt want to get shot by a b.b. gun for not tellin you)Anyways How do you get rid of those pesky emails that says they can enlarge your penis? I don't have one so therefore I don't want to enlarge it!

UNdr Says: Well, unfortunately most women do have a penis, but it's so small that you can't see it. Therefore, the appropriate thing is to answer all those emails and have fun enlarging your Beef Bus(Hi Carissa!)

PS I am the greatest in almost everything, except cooking, blogging and most stuff done by humans.

Carissa said...
Dear Undr,You are the greatest. I think the best way to get rid of the kudzu is to tell all the drunks and teenage boys in the area that eating kudzu increases the effects of alcohol.Problem solved.Carissa

Undr says, Thank you, but because I'm the greatest, I answer the questions here.

Anna said...
Darn Kudzu.... did you know in the state of Missouri we pay a Kudzu tax to help combat kudzu?

Undr Says: Dear Anna Banana(I nickname, it's annoying) I did not know this. So it must not be true. Thank you. Ahem, you must've written I am the greatest in white, because I don't see it.

No-L said...
Dear Undr,You are the greatest! Why do the people in Boston talk funny? They add r's to things ie. i-dear & air-e-ar (idea & area.) They take r's away from things like Worcester is pronounced wusta (seriously), a town spelled Peobody is pronounced P-bidy and another one is Woburn promounced woo-bin. I thought Mass was suppose to be the smartest state, am I just stupid?Please help me I am a southern gal,No-L

Undr Says: First off, You are not Stupid. The mere fact that you are writing to me, raises your IQ to the level of a dust bunny, which is good, by dust bunnies standards, anyway.

Now back to are regularly schedule question.

Mass is the smartest state? That is a common misconception. But the reason that they mispronounce woids is a speech impediment call Bosoxfaniritis. It numbs the tongue, and because of a misfire of the electron impulses in the brain, they add or remove letters. It all started when the Red Soxs trade Babe Ruth. It may be improving this year because of the World Series, but it'll worsen for the next hundred years, since they aint goin' back. And with that being said, GO YANKEES.


To all my readers(readahs in Mass) I like to take this opportunity to thank you for your comments. Seriously, this almost makes me want to take my medication again.

Your Humble Mentor:
UNdr

ps Send me more queskions, I am really good at this. I am the new Dear Abby, but with a wee-wee.

Friday, July 29, 2005

WHWLTW part 2 the sequel

Well, the week is over.

If you live anywhere but the north pole, you know that it's been hot as heck. Thus, it's time for our weekly segment of WHWLTW(for those of you just tuning in, this is an acronym for What Have We Learned This Week. (It's not as famous as YMCA, because the Village People would've destroyed their spinal chords trying to dance/sign that. )

So what did you learn this week?

What did I learn this week? Well, I'm glad you asked.

I learnt that when you name a kid, it's important to have some foresight. Let me splain. I went to an elementary school this week. As a boiled peanut salesman, I try to corner the 5-9 age bracket. They're consensus is the boiled peanuts are icky. D'oh.

Anywhoo, when in one of the classrooms, I saw a list of the new kids(aka terrorists) that will be attending. One name on the list hit me like a truck full of canadian bacon (Hi Dewey!)

Her name, now get this, is SHITERIA. No, I am not making this part up. Shiteria.

What were her parents thinking? As soon as I saw that name, I thought about 3, 450 jokes right of the bat. They have killed this kid. Bully's, Goons, Jocks, Nerds, School Faculty and even the Special Edders, will take advantage of this.
Poor stinky little Shiteria.

The only thing that might help, if there's a kid named Turdius, Dinglebert or Tuna Town McGee. (Hi Carissa!)

So, as a public service announcement, please, please name your kid a normal name. Like Delbert, Beulah or even Cornelius. Let's stop the insanity!

If not, I have one word for you Home School. At least only the parents and family can make fun of the child.

That being said, What did you learn this week? Nothing, then just make it up.

Undr(Shiteria's long lost Dad)

Being an international superstar, I receive tons of email(today, 3) and letters from far away lands. Such as, Milwaukee, WI(Western Ireland) and Trenton NJ(New Jexico). Of course, I need to filter most of my mail. I get alot from two people in particular: Penis Enlargement(How do they know?) and an old lady that sends me naked pictures(Gee, Grandma, thanks! Shudder and dry heaving)

Once, I have filtered or saved some of these emails, I pay attention to the real fans. The ones that love me, worship me, if you will. Most of which ask me questions. And that is no surprise, because I know a lot of stuff.

So, I will share with you recent Fan letters.

This one is from Germany(i think its near Alaska)

Dear Mr. Achiever,

I live in a small German Village, and I painstakingly learned the English Language, just so I could write you a letter. You are the greatest.

Uber Achievabaum
A small German Village, Germany

Thank you or as the German say, "Gracias"

Another one, this time from Africa( a little nearer to Alaska)

Dear Mr. Achiever,

I want to go to America, but I hear that in Georgia there is a plant that is taking over. We have heard of crazy rhinos trying to take over the world, but a plant? You are the greatest.

Uganda Acheivanlokondembe
Republic of a crazy horde of Rhinos, Sierra Leone, Africa


Dear Uganda
You are correct, this is called KUDZU(Its Japanese for "a plant that wants to take over the world")

Yes Kudzu, was brought to this fine land by the Irish and the Kurds. It was originally just supposed to be a garnish. Until a unit of Kudzu, called Kudzuey, escaped and planted itself along the highways of Georgia, United States. But never fear my Rhino fearing friend. We at the Undr's house of pancakes and scientific experimentation lab are working hard at getting rid of this plant from hell.
After 2 full minutes of studying Kudzu, we have determined that the only way to stop it is to find the mother root and plant 3 megatons of nuclear explosives. After detonation, it should have killed at least two leaves and leave a big crater we will call kuzu hole. It's a start. Please visit this country, don't let the kudzu scare you. uh wait, I have some growing on my leg. Where's my gun?

and last but not least: Here's one from Alaska(near Alaska suprisingly)

Dear Mr. Achiever,

I need some advice. I have a girlfriend, but I think I'm falling for a polar bear. What should I do? You're the greastest.

Uskimo Achievamo

Dear Uskimo:

Although, it's not an easy decision. Think about it, do you really want to deal with all that hair the fishy smell and not to mention the constant pooping? Yea, dude, dump her and go for the bear.


It brings a tear to my eye, to know that I am the greatest and I can help my friends in some way. Please feel free to ask for my advice. The least you could do is comment on this post and tell me how stupid I am. (Be gentle)

Thank you or as the german say "thank you hitler".

Undr(Advice Columnist to the Stars)

Your Sappy Songs

Well here are the sappy songs you've chosen. They scale 100 on the cheesy and corny scale. I love it. I've taken the liberty of Bolding my true favs. But all of them are good. Thanks for participating. I will send all of you a nice some arts and crafts from the "special" people at the asylum. They are not allowed to use much, so its just a bunch of wadded up construction paper. Enjoy.


beadinggalinMS said...

1-Make you feel my love by Garth Brooks
2-I'll go on loving you by Alan Jackson(he is secretly singing ths to me cause I have green eyes)3-Heaven by Bryan Adams
4-Straight from the heart by Bryan Adams
5-All out of love by Air Supply
6-Every rose has its thorns by Poison
Undr says: Sap at its best.

j2 said...
There are only 3* and no more...
All Out Of Love (Air Supply)
The Air That I Breathe (The Hollies)
Total Eclipse of the Heart (Bonnie Tyler)
Undr says: you are such a rebel. Just 3? hmmph!


dewey said...
Damn, Wish I Was Your Lover - Sophie B. Hawkins;
Have a Little Faith in Me - Joe Cocker;
Wicked Game - Chris Isaac;
I Will Remember You - Sarah MacLachlan;
Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd.
Nominated but not selected:
Glycerine - Bush;
Stay - Lisa Loeb;
Sometimes You Can't Make it On Your Own + All I Want is You - U2

"All I want is you" is like the best song evah! Your list is rigged! I demand a recount!

LoriNflorida said...
Hey Undr, Here is my fav luv songs:
1. Bathwater by: No Doubt
2.Control by: Puddle of Mudd
3.Figured You Out by: Nickelback
4. Suck my Kiss by: Red Hot Chili Peppers
5. Higher Love by: Steve Winwood

UNdr says: Steve windwood in the same list as the Chili Peppers? What a Country!

Terri said...
With or Without You - U2
Slave to Love - Bryan Ferry
Sealed with a Kiss - Jason Donovan
Unchained Melody - Righteous Brothers
Take My Breath Away - Berlin

Undr says: Terrence, what a bulging cornucopia of sap. I love these songs.

gunngirl said...
1. Lost in your eyes - Debbie Gibson
2. Possesion- Sarah McLachlan
3. Method of Modern Love - Hall and Oats
4. In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel
5. At This Moment - Billy Vera & the Beaters
6. November Rain - Guns 'N' Rose

Undr says: Don't tell any one but I love that Deborah Gibson song(she's grown up, you know)
#4 Great song from a great movie!

Shull o' fit said...
1) I Found a Diary Underneath a Tree - Bread
2) Miracles - Jefferson Starship
3) Cruisin' - Smokey Robinson
4) Someday We'll Be Together - Diana Ross

Undr says: Shully, your are sap savvy. Egggsellent! Cruuuuusin'

Anonymous said...
1. Still Loving You - The Scorpions
2. Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O'Connor
3. Troy - Sinead O'Connor
4. Don't go away mad - Motley Crue (for those moments when you are glad they got the f* out of your life)

Undr says: Anony, I Love the Cueball O'Connor song. And the Crue, never dissapoints!

grody jo-dee said...
here's my fave five o' the cheese:
1) to be with you-extreme
2) don't know what you got till it's gone-cinderella
3) almost paradise-ann from heart and mike reno
4) end of the road-boyz II men
5) angel eyes-jeff healy band
6) the flame-cheap trick
7) when i look into your eyes-firehouse
8) tender love-force mds
9) eyes without a face-billy idol
10) love is on the way-saigon kick

Undr Says: Grody jo-dee, angel eyes is like one of my favoritests songs of all time. " What did I do? what did I say?, to turn your Angel Eyes, my way"

Thanks for your list. Remember, "Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars" C Kasem (Modern Day philosopher)

Love
UNdr

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Humpty Dance and other love songs

"I sang on "Doowutchyalike and if you missed it..."

(everyone in unison)

"I'm the one who said, 'just grab her in the biscuits'"-----Digital Underground Humpty Dance as sung by me in a Walmart dressing room. Yes, I was pant-less and trying on a watch.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! The beautiful sounds of love.

Dearest Homeys:

Its always nice to reminisce about sights, sounds, smells and nagging itchiness that love brings to that dismal void you call life. And after the aforementioned itchiness subsides, your are left with tons of dead skin under your nails and songs. Yes, the sappy love songs that affect your heart like a double quarter pound lard burger with extra grease and a side of cheese smothered bacon.

It's those love songs that remind you of your past or your present, well why would want to remember your present if you are already living it? Anyhow, you know what I mean.

So, my dear readers, send me a list of those sappy love songs that you cherish so dear. Doesn't matter what genre. Just send me your list (5 or more), and I will make a compilation 8-Track which I will sell on T.V. for only $19.95(all proceeds will go straight to me.) I'll even throw in a "If you act now..." Maybe I'll offer two 8-tracks for the price of 3. They'll never know the difference.

The genre(pronounced geenreee, it's swahili) I will choose, is the infamous Power Ballad. Oh yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about!

Here goes: Undr's list of songs that make you think of self mutilation* because she don't love you anymore, that dirty conniving slut!(oops, sorry!)


Undrs Songs of Sap

Number 5.
(ooh its a countdown, I am so like Casey Kasem. Did someone say "who"? Darn! I am old!)
Ahem!

5. I remember you---Skid Row

4. Patience----Gun's and Roses

3. I'll be there for you("these five words I swear to youuuu"... Sorry, I started to sing)-Bon Jovi

2. Heaven---Warrant (According to them it isn't too far away. Heaven that is)

1. Love song---Tesla (doo doo doo, doo doo dooo, I know...)

Nominated by didn't make the cut:
The complete works of Foreigner. Aerosmith's "Angel"

Honorable mention:
Anything by Airsupply, REO Speedwagon(I can't fight this feeling anymore) and Poison's "Every Rose has its Thorn".

Now most of you, my wonderful indulging readers, may have no clue who these people are. Especially the third graders and the "special" folks at the Asylum, but no matter. Just give me your sappy love songs, and we will speak of this to no one.

Sappy love song aficionado:
Undr

PS Can you feel the love? Or is it the cheese smothered bacon?

*Please don't self mutilate you might go blind or get hairy palms

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

She said Hoo Hoo! "snicker, snicker snort"

Dear undies:

Ok, I was reading j2's blog. (which you should also, its funny and has awesome pics. She's a real smart and a funny girl) When she posted about Fish Tacos, she said some funny names for a girls private thingy.

As you know, here at the undr's corner headquarters we are always on the cutting edge of stuff(which means we steal ideas from other people). Hence, I have decided to give you another assignment.


What are some names you've heard or still use to refer to your nether regions? ie "christian parts" as j2 says

Here are some I've heard over the years:

For boys:
Pee pee(classic), Wee-Wee, and Rumsfeld(true)

For girls:
Ninny, popi, and chimichanga(also true).

Butt:
Pooter, Nana(kid's grandmothers name too.)

So, if this doesn't bother you, send me your funny private parts names. I'm sure we'll get a good laugh or a phone call from someone's lawyer.

Probably, Rumsfeld's lawyer.


Undr
(Protector of Mr. Willy)

Monday, July 25, 2005

Problem. Crisis, if you will

Dear Undies,

Usually, I don't share many personal things. I consider myself to be very private. However, I feel the need to share with you a problem, a crisis, if you will.

Yesterday, I had my first intervention. My friends met with me and decided to intervene. There was a lot of yelling, cussing, denial and acceptance.

Then they started to talk to me about my problem.

I love Kelly Clarkson. I know, I know, its a horrible addiction. But let me just say it's not because of the first record (record?, sorry, I mean cassette). It was the second cassette that began my torrid love affair with the first American Idol.(Its a TV show, maybe you've heard of it)

I love the song Breakaway
Its from the Princess Diaries 2 Soundtrack. It's about a girl who is a princess but just wants to be herself. That's me. Except, I'm not a girl or a princess and I don't like myself too much. That's besides the point.

Here are some of the lyrics: "I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly, I'll do what it takes till I touch this guy" (or the sky, I can't tell) People, she wants to fly! Isn't that beautiful?

Another one of her songs: Since you been gone.

Lyrics(damn, how do I turn off Italics? ooookay here we go) : "Since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time" Obviously, she's talking about the asthma problem she had when she was a wee lad(can you say lad for a girl? Oh well)

And her latest hit: Behind these Hazel eyes

Lyrics: "Behind these hazel eyes" Its about her fear of Glaucoma.

Of course, I was so singing these songs during my intervention. They played loud rock music and tried to brainwash me (Air Supply). But I held on loving my hazeled eye princess.

But this intervention made me realize that I do have a problem, andthis realization was just in time. I almost rented from "Justin to Kelly" Whew! That would've been a train wreck and a half.


After the intervention, which was actually a bunch of my friends making fun of me until someone farted(not me), we went on to discuss other subjects such as, the effects of the greenhouse effect on greenhouses.

So, my fellow Americans and Canadian(Hi Dewey!) I had a rough weekend. How was yours? Let me know, if not let me know anyways.

Love, but love Kelly Clarkson more,





Undr

PS I think I will lay off the Kelly, its the first step to recovery... Is that Clay Aiken? Oh Noooooooo!

Friday, July 22, 2005

WHWLTW?

What Have We Learned This Week?

Its not as popular as WWJD?(Which I assume is Willy Wonka Jam Dancing?, but I digress)

What gem of wisdom did you pry out of the dark, wet mineshaft of your life?(oooh dramatic!)

Ahem,

This is what I learned this week.

Wal-mart Dressing rooms are not your personal night club. Let me splain somezing to you Lucy.

I was visiting my local mom and pop Wal-mart and decided to try on a particular article of clothing.

Sidenote: I don't like to try on clothes, I figure, if its husky, It'll fit. Furthermore, I don't usually shop at Wal-mart for Clothing, it's usually a thrift store, or I just mug a bum. However, occasionally I see a t-shirt or a mumu* that I wouldn't mind wearing and I must try on, just in case. (don't want the mumu riding up, if you know what I mean)

Ok so where was me? Ah yes the dressing room, or as I like to call it Studio 54 version 2.0. I'm in this little room that probably couldn't make it as a bathroom, but, its makes a living.

Soooo, I'm sporting my shirt and then I hear a beautiful melody from the heavens (or ceiling), its "Love Shack" by the B-52's. You know that when you hear this song you gotta dance, you just gotta!

And I did.

I'm lookin' kinda sweet in my mumu, uh I mean manly t-shirt and I am dancing. Yes! I'm dancing, I'm dancing, Its my birthday, Its my birthday. I'm dancing.(At some point I'm doing the "cabbage patch", you know.)

And all this time forgetting that their is a 3 foot opening under the door.

Then the dressing room engineer( I think that's what it says on her name tag) actually opens the dressing room door and asks if everything is ok.

YES! (embarrassed and semi-naked because I instinctively removed my pants although, I wasn't trying any on)

"Oh I'm sorry", the 88 year old Marge says, "it's just that we had a man in here last week who went into an epileptic seizure and we were instructed to open the door immediately, if this would happen again. Since I saw some sporadic movements, I thought it was July 14th* all over again."

(me: more embarrassed and still semi-naked)

Me: "Uh, it's ok I understand, I was just uh... dancing."

Marge: Closes the door and lets me fester in shame.

Me: hoping she gets a memory lapse and forgets the whole thing as she surely runs to her breakroom for open mic night.

Needless to say, I certainly learned my lesson. Which is, if I'm going to dance in the Wal-mart dressing room I should get up on the little bench they provide for you and let her rip.

Please send me you WHWLTW? Submission, they will be graded on penmenship. Thank you for your support.

Speaking of support. Please support the linky links. The just want to be loved, is that so wrong?


*made you look. Hee-Hee!

*they gave that incident its own date!

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Object as metaphor speech, run for the hills!

This is an excerpt of Undr's award winning, 10 hour, 25,000 word Object as metaphor speech. Well, it was 25,000 words because most of his sentences consisted of at least 120 "very's" ie: "I like my dog brownie very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very(you may want to get something to eat, this will take a while) very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very much"

The much awaited Object as metaphor speech:(Excerpt only)

Ahem! Cough! Hack! Spit!(ptooey) Wow! Nice loogey.

My object as metaphor is a Journal. Its no big deal, but inside you will find the beginnings of novels, poems, ideas, doodles and illegible words that at one point meant something. I am this journal. The end(Wow, you actually waited days for this? Sorry to disappoint) But for those of you who can't read here is a picture:


If you would like a transcript of this speech in its entirety, please go to your local Borders and Nobles and purchase it. No, they won't have it on the shelf. Just meet me in the dark alley behind the store. Bring cash, and any other valuables.

Thank you for your patronage. Support the links in the linky links section.

Undr

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Why is the fat kid always it?

I was tagged by my friend at dust and sunshine.


Its about books. Please don't laugh when you read my list. If you do please do it behind my back.


Number of Books I own: circa 100

Last Book I Bought:The complete Peanuts 1950-54 by Charles M. Schulz
It’s a collector’s item. Had to have it.

Last Book I Read:"The last Juror" by John Grisham
Sorry, guilty pleasure.


Five Books That Mean A Lot To Me:

1. Of mice and men by john steinbeck
Story of two guys down on their luck. One a dumb giant, the other an ornery bastard. Held together by an unreachable goal. You’ve probably read it or have seen the movie so, I won’t go into it too much.

2. Native Son by Richard Wright
Racial inequality, accidental crime, all the makings of a great book.

3. To kill a mockingbird by Harper Lee

For me, to try to write about this book would be an injustice. Read it and you will understand what I mean.

4. Catcher in the Rye by Salinger Teenage angst at its best.

5. A light in the attic by Shel Silverstein

Children’s Poetry. I’ve loved it since I was a kid. Just recently bought an old copy of this book from a thrift store.

I have read more and probably better ones but, eh! These are off the top of my head.

Thanks Jeanne um.. i mean, j2.

Read her blog along with the others in the linky links section.

Hmm.... I will tag gunngirl, linda, lori, jenn and dewey

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Welcome to the Complaint Department. How may I help you?

Dear Consumer

In order to best satisfy the needs of the customer(yous peeple) I have set up a complaint department in the underachiever's corner headquarters. Therefore, if you should have a complaint about anything* let me know.

My complaint:

I was about to post about my "object as metaphor" that Carissa assigned us. I was going to take a picture of my metaphoric object. But, lo and behold my piece of crap digital camera from hell's batteries died and I have no replacement at this time of night. So, as Carissa eloquently puts it, poo!
So, two things: first let me know your complaint(s) of the week and do Carissa's assignment or else.

Love,


Undr(thirty-year old in training)

*I mean anything, except me I'm sensitive and a bleeder.

Weekend Edition

Dear fellow Underachievers:

Well, I've been thirty for three days now and it hasn't been that bad. I actually got carded today, which always makes me feel good. Of course, I was carded cause I wanted the senior citizen's discount at Mickey D's, but, that's besides the point.

Anyways, How was everyone's week? Mine was busy and tiring. Can't wait to relax ...

wait... What?

Oh man! I have some friends coming over from Florida. D'oh and double crap! Oh well, there goes the weekend!

Also, to make matters worser(200 points scrabble) There is going to be a free concert in downtown Atlanta. Its Weezer, and I really want to go see them, but I can't. This sucks big time. It's Weezer people! For those of you who like country, its the equivalent to Alabama, the OakRidge Boys or dare I say Billy Ray Cyrus.

It's Weezer for pete's sake. And its free.

Please allow me to cry: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!(okay, man, pull yourself together!)

Sorry about that. Its just... (lips quivering... Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!)


If anyone goes to this concert on Saturday, please let me know how it was. (pathetic, I know.)


Furthermore,


don't forget to submit your show and tell project. And if you want, let me know how your weekend went. If you don't want, let me know anyways.


Love,

Undr(crybaby extraordinaire)

p.s. Please check out the linky links and support your fellow bloggers. -----U Boy

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Do look I fat in this? Not to me, but to everybody else you do

According to some research, when men are fat they are really fat. Yes, woman have done it again. Even when they are fat, they are not as fat as men. Oh that is really fair! Its bad enough we die before women, but now, we are fat on a whole 'nother level.

This of course makes me feel good.

By the Way, I am thirty as of yesterday. No, no, please no greetings or gifts, I wanted a quiet and somber coming of age. I still feel like I'm in the 10th grade(11th grade Canadian. Hi Dewey!)

I remember when I turned six, I asked my mom "Mamma, I'm six. Does this mean I won't cry because I'm a big boy now? She laughed and said "Not if I can help it"

Well, I'm thirty does this mean I will be mature from now on? Not if I can help it.

In conclusion, yes I'm thirty and no matter how skinny I get, I will always be fatter than a woman. Does life get any better?

Undr("its the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine"-rem)

PS What the hell, please pass the potatoes, extra butter and gravy!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Show and Tell

Yesterday, I went to visit the local insurance company to generously give them my money for insuring my motor vehicle and my agent showed me pictures of a growth that was surgically removed from his stomach.

After the dry heaves stopped, I thought;"Man, that would have killed at "Show and Tell" in school. And then the dry heaves returned.

When I regained consciousness , I decided to give you, the Undies, an assignment. Yes, you guessed it, Show and Tell. I realize that in the comment box you can't post pics, but, on your blog you can. So, If you do, just let me know and I will check your blog and grade you. Let me remind you that this project is 99% of your grade.(No Pressure)

You might say "I can't do this, its too much" Let me tell you a little story about a time when the going got tough with me but I never let it get me down.

I used to work in the Catskill Mountains, and a spoiled girl by the name of Baby was visiting for the summer. Baby always felt sorry for herself. I proceeded to befriend her and take her to a party where we did a lot of Dirty Dancing. Her father hated me, but did I give up? NO! We danced and at the end we showed everyone the time of their life. Hmm? or was that a movie? Regardless, the point is just do this project and you will feel better about yourself.(or not, just humor me)

Thus, here is my show and tell


















It's a picture that I took in Cancun, Meheeco(that's how you pronounce it). I thought it was cool. The water was warm and clear. You can actually see the children peeing in it. (hence the yellowish green tint)

As you can see, the date is conveniently placed on the sand anywhere you go on the beach. Its for the tourists. I went during spring break and I had a good time.

This is my show and tell. The End.


Here are the instructions again for the ADD crowd: You may comment your show and tell project in the comments area or you may be elaborate and do it on your blog (huh-huh-huh he said "do it"). It could be about anything, I don't care.
Thank you for your support. Remember, you will be graded.

Creating more ways to waste your time,
Undr

Thursday, July 07, 2005

London's burning.

Seriously, now. Let's keep those who have been directly affected by this tragedy in our thoughts and prayers.


Saddened,

UNdr

How much is you worf?

Yes, kiddies, there is nothing to help your self esteem that to find out how much you are worth. Please try this thing. Its interesting to find out how much your worth in USD currency. (Sorry Dewey no Canadian coin.)

What I think I'm worth: Two food stamps and an expired coupon.

What I'm worth according to humansforsale.com: $1,801,240.

1.8 mil. Eh! Not bad. I wonder what I'll get for a finger?

Take the test and let me know your worth. If I have enough, I may chip in to buy you. I need some yard work done at this condo in Canada I might inherit someday. Let me know, how much are you worf, homeys!

$1.8 Million and worth every penny.

UNdr

P.S. Took a day off from the boiled peanut stand to blog excessively because I'm taking a few days off. I'll be back Monday...Maybe. So your job is to keep my memory and the dream alive. Comment the hell out of these posts. Love, ya. I'm sure, I'll post again before I go.

Peace, Out. Word to ya Mutha!

Listening to: "Creep", RadioHead (radio edit)

Girl gone wild

First and foremost, I want to apologize for what you are about to link here. I found it while reading future objects.

As he said: "Don't forget to click and drag"

Its like I think its gross but I just can't stop looking at it.

Have fun!

Uncle Undr

Adventures from the UNdr World

Dear Undies:

As you know, I am culinaryly(made up word) challenged. I cannot cook. I have trouble in the kitchen. If I'm not undercooking some salmonella ,I'm burning the bejesus out of toast.

Which reminds me of story:

It was a hot summer afternoon. I was living in a suburb of Altanta. I was hungry. (this is so Hemingway).

At the time, the contents of my fridge were: an emtpy Ketchup(Catsup) Bottle, a can of beer, something in tupperware that didn't belong to me and possibly had the cure of all ailments growing in it. Also, there were 3 eggs.

Yes! 3 eggs! So I look at those little ivory nuggets from heaven(or from a chicken's butt) and I thought to myself. "I will cook them and have a feast worthy of the Iron Chef. " "Hmm", I thought; "What can I make with three eggs?" Omelet. No! This involves pans and ingredients, I cannot even imagine what I would do. Eggs Benedict? Hell no, I don't even now what those are. I mean, I'm still trying to figure out Canadian Bacon(hey dewey!).

Therefore, the only possible conclusion is: Hard Boiled Eggs. Yes!

But wait, this is quite the conondrum. This involves a pan, water, boiling said water and waiting. I don't know if this is true, but I remember someone telling me that I should let the eggs boil for 15 minutes. Or was it 5? I don't know. Anyway, I figured, I can't wait that long, My stomach is about to eat my spleen! I can't allow this. "I'll save you spleeny!"

This is when I get the idea of speeding up the process and decide to boil eggs in the microwave.

So, I get a microwave safe bowl. I add water and set it for 5 minutes.

As I'm getting the many condiments for this feast ie: salt, I hear a loud bang!

My dog, Brownie, starts barking like a ..uh.. well, dog and I drop to the floor thinking to myself "I'm getting carjacked, but I'm not in my car" and thats when the smell of burnt egg hit my nose.

You should have seen the poor egg, it was internal combustion at its worse. I cleaned up the mess and decided to have at it again.

Egg#2

I took my second egg. I gently placed in another water filled bowl and now set the timer at 3 minutes.

Two and half minutes later, Brownie's barking, I'm on the floor with the first bowl of discombobulated egg.

By the time, I cleaned up that mess, 20 minutes had gone by. My spleen is gone.

Egg#3


I realized what went wrong. I reasoned that 3 and 5 minutes were the equivalent of putting those eggs in a nuclear reactor. Thus, I set the timer a 1.5 minutes. In, yet, another bowl of water.

Beep...beep...beep. BOOYAH! Success! Let the feast begin. And so I take the egg in hand(get a little burned) and proceed to tap it ever so gently with a spoon to break off the shell.


POP!

The damned egg blew up in my face. OWWWW!!!!! Brownie is barking and licking the egg off the floor at the same time. My head is covered in the microwaved remains of a chicken and the walls, oh my God the walls!

Needless to say, the egg thing was not a success, I was still hungry, missing a spleen and trying to figure out what to I could make with ketchup, beer and the science fair project in the tupperware.

These events were true....honest...stick a needle in my eye....scouts honor


With eggshell in his hair,

Undr

Here is a terrible illustration. If you think my poetry sucks, wait till you see my art.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Undr's Comedy Hour

Yes! Its time for the funniest hour in Blogsville, USA and Canada(hey Dewey).
It's time for UNdrs' Comedy
Spectacular Extravaganza Show of the millennium Show!
(redundant? I don't zink so)
Here's your host, the funniest man this side of Rising Fawn, GA:
UNDR.
(Canned applause)
(Canned Laughter)
(Real Crying and a couple of crickets)
Okay, back to the show.
There are jokes that are old, dumb and stupid. But they make you laugh like a monkey getting a physical( rectal exam and all).
So, share your jokes with millions of bloggers and blog stalkers. This is your moment to shine, so tell me your lame/funny jokes.
The winner in this contest(I didn't mention this was a contest? I'm just full of surprises ain't I?)
Ahem, before I was rudely interrupted, The winner of this contest will have to choose one of these fabulous prizes:
A semi expense paid(bus fare only from a stolen student's bus pass) trip to
Hoboken, NJ.
City Motto: "If the smog don't kill ya, the bums will."
You will stay at Haji's Days Inn and He will make all your dreams come true, within the realm of semi-clean towels and used soap.
or you have the choice of:
A no expense paid trip to
Gumlog, GA. (unincorporated)
Pop. 62 (2% margin of error, some stray dogs were not included in the census)
Town Motto: Moonshine? What Moonshine?
You will stay at the World Renowned "Cousin Buford Chalet and Spa" (Shack and Outhouse)
Where amenities include: A door(no lock) and an outhouse(no door)
Please send in your Joke entries.
Remember: this is a family show, so cuss a lot or not.
Here are some of mine.
We'll start off with a momma joke.
Your mamma's so fat....
she uses a VCR as a Beeper.
Here's another one:
Your mamma's so fat...
she jumped up and got stuck....(you ask: stuck in what? Come on ask it! I said: "Ask it!" this is interactive you bum)
answer: Between planets
No good? Okay here is a riddley one.
What is yellow, yellow, yellow-red. yellow-red, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, red, red?
A chick (you know a baby chicken) in a blender. Okay, that's just wrong. Funny, but wrong.
Of course the always offensive Ethiopian Jokes(truly sorry about this one)
What is the Ethiopian national Bird?
The fly.(because they're hungry and the flies....Oh well you had to be there)
and last but not least:
A guy and a girl are making out.
The guy stops and says while chewing: "Honey, I think I got your gum"
The girl says "No, I just cleared my throat"
Well, this concludes Undr's Comedy spectacular extravaganza show of the millenium show.
While your trying to scrape your retinas for reading this crapola, think of jokes to send me. I want a bunch of them. (So, I can claim them as my own, and rule the world...Oops did I say that out loud? Disregard!)
UNdr (I'll be here all week, try the veal)

Monday, July 04, 2005

Editorial on Jessica Simpson











Okay, let's get down to business. I heard the Dukes of Hazzard song, by Jessie Simpson(I'm her best friend but she don't know it.) "These boots are made for walking"

Although I saw the video previously, it might as well have been muted because I really wasn't listening to the music, if you get my drift. However, after I heard it on my least favorite radiostation from Atlanta Star 94, I realized: That this is one of the worst renditions of this horrible song. I know she has a better voice than this and she completely went retarded on this song.

And so, to my friend Jessica Simpson: I am boycotting listening to this song on the radio.

The video, I'll watch.

UNdr
Editor in Chief and Janitor

Another Poem

On my recent 100 I stated in number "#69 I try to write stuff from points of view I may never understand."

This is one of those times.

Like to take a whack at what I mean with this.

(Written from a woman's point of view. Trying to, at least. )

Scrape

Why don’t you hold my hand?
Why do you only hold me down?
You, a silhouette of man
Onlooker, that watches me drown

Can you feel the
Water in my lungs?
Can you hear the scream,
That scrapes my tongue?

Do you feel the
Air in me replaced?
Is there any love
for me, misplaced?

Are you forgiving me?
You boil with audacity
Mementos, black as tar
nothing but Internal scars

Hatred in your laugh
My life’s a stolen photograph
Unknown picture
Of perfect posture

Hit me with your fists
It might be better than this
So I can touch and see by bruises
Painted bruises

But you hurt me
Inside my soul
And I hate you
Because you have control

And you choke me
With your abuse
I may not win
But I will never lose.


I may not win
But I will never lose.
UNdr(Caution: Poet Laureate in training)
P.S. Don't worry, I'll have nonsensical humorous posts later.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Depressing music

Dear Sad Reader:
The following is an article about the top 25 miserable tracks. Its a good read. I took the liberty of posting it in its entirety because I don't want you looking at any other blogs.(I'm jealous that way)




Do you agree with the list? Let me know. Also, if you want to ad one to the list, feel free.

Acknowledgements:
Guardian Unlimited and Boxing Boxables(he found it I done stole it)

Here goes: Prepare yourself with the half gallon tub of Ben and Jerry's , its going to be a sad ride.




Tom Reynolds, author of I Hate Myself and Want to Die. He offers his top 25 miserable tracks :


25. Sam Stone John Prine (1972)A grim song about a strung-out former soldier that remains a favourite of audiences who prefer their Vietnam vets to be total losers. Over finger-picked guitar, Prine sings about Sam Stone, a drug-addicted veteran who injects morphine and neglects his impoverished family before overdosing in a decrepit room "that smelled like death". Sam Stone is basically a composite for Hollywood's ideal Vietnam veteran: an hallucinating psycho with a Fu Manchu moustache who goes barking mad every time a Doors song comes on the radio.

24. My Immortal Evanescence (2002)A whimpering post-breakup tune in which lead singer Amy Lee pitifully mourns the end of a relationship over a piano accompaniment that sounds like Pachelbel after the Prozac wore off. My Immortal closely follows the "quantum tragedy paradigm": the shorter the time two people spent together as a couple, the more overwrought the song is that describes their break-up. Judging by the lorry-load of anguish Lee spews out, she split from someone she dated for about an hour (if her lyrics are to be believed, the guy was a real freak, too).

23. You don't bring me flowers Neil Diamond & Barbra Streisand (1978)Neil and Babs phoned in this turgid song with all the energy of a ping-pong match played in zero gravity. Though performed as a duet, Streisand should have recorded it alone, since the lyrics are clearly from a woman's point of view; no self-respecting guy ever complains about not getting flowers or hearing any love songs. You Don't Bring Me Flowers is the most egregious example of middle-of-the-road music, so named because if you drive in the middle of the road, you'll eventually die in a head-on collision.
22. The River Bruce Springsteen (1980)The title cut from Springsteen's fifth album, The River is the blue-collar hero's 473rd song about how bad blue-collar life is, featuring yet another unemployed dope from New Jersey hitched to an unhappy girl named Mary (every girl in Springsteen's songs is called Mary). As teenagers, the couple went "down to the river" where they swam, frolicked, had sex, got pregnant and ruined their lives. The River makes one wish Springsteen would write a song about getting plastered on Cristal and driving a Bentley into a swimming pool.

21. Tell Laura I love her Ray Peterson (1960)Tell Laura was the first of the infamous teenage car-crash songs of the early 1960s, where adolescents get incinerated in fiery auto wrecks due to their altruism and stunning lack of common sense. A love-struck teenager named Tommy impulsively enters a stock car race so he can buy a wedding ring for his girl Laura with the prize money. One problem: he knows nothing about racing and flips his car which bursts into flames. As he's pulled from the wreckage coughing carbon, Tommy's dying words of "Tell Laura I love her" permeate the song's weepy chorus. It was covered in the UK by Welsh singer Ricky Valance the same year and topped the charts.

20. All By Myself Celine Dion (1996)The Canadian superstar's bombastic cover of Eric Carmen's 1970s hit about loneliness is the audio equivalent of the fire-bombing of Dresden. Celine's vocal histrionics surpass the blood-soaked psychic fury which slaughters the prom-goers in the movie Carrie. Had Ms Dion been around during D-Day, the Allies could have dropped her off at Omaha Beach with a PA system and have her sing All By Myself until the German infantry bayoneted themselves.

19. Woman's Prison Loretta Lynn (2004)Despite her extensive catalogue of tears-in-your-beer country songs, the legendary Loretta Lynn outdoes herself with this mind-blowing murder tune which puts her on death row for blowing away her cheatin' husband. Produced by White Stripes' Jack White (who knows jack about country music), the song climaxes with Loretta being strapped into the electric chair to await the juice. As the banging music drops down to a humming organ, she sings Amazing Grace to herself before getting fried to a crisp. Unsettling and bizarre, Women's Prison sounds like a roots rock band jamming with their death-obsessed grandmother.

18. Prayers for Rain The Cure (1989)The following are some of the words found in the lyrics to Prayers for Rain: shatter, dull, kill, stifle, infectious, hopelessness, rain, suffocate, dirt, nowhere, desolate, drab, killing, fracture, stale, strangle, entangle, deteriorate, drearily, tired. Drop in a few pronouns and conjunctions and you have the entire song. Music-wise, the band lumbers back and forth between two menacing chords like Frankenstein's monster deciding which villager to pummel, while Robert Smith's neurotic vocals sound like he just got punched in the stomach after eating a three-course meal.

17. The Freshmen The Verve Pipe (1997)Not to be confused with the Verve, the American faux grunge band the Verve Pipe hit no 1 in the US with this tragic number about two young men dealing with the suicide of a girl they both dated and later dumped. Though it offers some fine musical dynamics, the song alienates the listener with its oft-repeated chorus of "I can't be held responsible." Note singer Brian Vander Ark's vocal similarity to Kurt Cobain.

16. The Rose Bette Midler (1980)The Divine Miss M's biggest and most manipulative hit was first heard over the final scene in the movie The Rose where Midler's rock-star character drops dead in front of a live audience. The Rose has a disturbing air of Songwriting 101 around it, with a rudimentary melody right out of an instruction book. The lyrics sound like they were borrowed from a 13-year-old girl's diary, offering up awkward metaphors like how love is a river that "drowns the tender reed". Treacly and miserable.

15. Maggie's Dream Don Williams (1984)Nashville may have a rich heritage of depressing music but this hemlock-gulping country weeper will force listeners to throw themselves into a vat of possum poo. Over a soporific music track, Williams sings about Maggie, a waitress who's spent 30 years working at a diner and never had anyone to go home to. She plays the saddest songs on the diner's jukebox while lamenting how she's destined to die alone. It doesn't help that Maggie is the size of a whale. We're never told this but, hey, waitress, truck stop, platters of fried food? You work it out.

14. Comfortably Numb Pink Floyd (1979)This classic rock dirge appears on Pink Floyd's notorious magnum opus The Wall, the one album you can never listen to in its entirety unless you own a bong the size of a mop. In Comfortably Numb, bassist/grump Roger Waters plays the unctuous doctor who medicates tortured rock star Pink voiced by guitarist/better singer David Gilmour. Disturbing references to pricking needles and hallucinatory ships abound, with Waters singing like a demented Peter Lorre. A great pile-driver guitar solo by Gilmour at the end prevents us from wanting to bury ourselves alive.

13. Brick Ben Folds Five (1997)(NB: Many listeners, including me, first assumed Brick was about a relationship ending. We discovered later that it's about a couple getting an abortion. The following is based on the first scenario. Therefore it's all wrong.) A gloomy piano-and-voice song about a couple breaking up (wrong), Brick tells of a guy who picks up his girlfriend, bitches, takes her someplace, bitches, waits for her, bitches, then brings her back home, referring to her as a "brick" (this is true). We never learn what's transpired in between (this is wrong). All that's certain is the couple wants to split up (this is wrong). Brick offers the same pleasure that comes with dropping one on your foot (this is really true).

12. Ruby, Don't take your love to town Kenny Rogers and the First Edition (1969)Upbeat music does nothing to obscure the creepiness of this early Kenny Rogers song. Ruby is about a paralysed man who sits at home every night while his trampy wife Ruby dolls herself up before heading out to pick up any Billy Bob, Wyatt, or Bubba she can find. The man finally threatens to get his gun and shoot her but he can't move to retrieve it. Instead, he begs Ruby: "For God's sake, turn around." A skipping drum fades off, leaving the poor sap stranded in his wheelchair listening to her car drive off. Even Kenny Rogers doesn't sing it anymore.

11. One Metallica (1988)The heavy metal band raised the depression bar dramatically when it based its gruesome song One on the world's most depressing novel, Dalton Trumbo's Johnny Got His Gun; it makes Foxe's Book of Martyrs read like Helen Fielding. A frenzied metal jam underpins the screaming interior monologue of a blind, deaf and dismembered war veteran, similar to the narrator of the 1939 book. Though falsely accused of promoting devil worship in their music, Metallica would have been better off borrowing from some demonic tome on goat slaughtering rather than Trumbo's novel.

10. People Who Died The Jim Carroll Band (1980)While most punk music sounds like screaming winos crammed inside a runaway shopping cart, this violent death anthem goes way beyond the usual mohawk bellowings. Over a bed of crystal meth rockabilly, writer/former junkie Jim Carroll speed-rants his way through the factual obituaries of 13 friends and associates who "died, died!" in various horrific ways, including three who were thrown off buildings and one who killed himself on his wedding night by drinking drain cleaner. People Who Died remains a cult favourite of budding nihilists who sigh wistfully whenever one of their piercings becomes infected.

9. Sister Morphine Marianne Faithfull (1979)Though not as well known as the Rolling Stones' earlier version she helped write, Marianne Faithfull's 1979 cover version of the morbid Sister Morphine is infinitely more debilitating, if only because of the craggy quality of her voice. She croaks about lying in a hospital bed while waiting for Sister Morphine to appear, recalling ambulance sirens, faceless doctors, and red sheets. Curiously, Faithfull suffered most of the pitfalls her lyrics warn against in the years after she wrote them.

8. Hurt Nine Inch Nails (1994)Marvellously covered in 2002 by Johnny Cash, the original version of Hurt closes out Nine Inch Nails's The Downward Spiral, the perfect album to crank while you're tossing live hamsters into a blender. Featuring strident hisses, tortured singing, and mentally defective guitars, the six-minute long Hurt is a woe-is-me addiction song overloaded with excessive details; after listening to it, you need a penicillin shot. Cash's superior acoustic remake of Hurt, however, does away with the compressor noises and goes straight to the song's wounded heart.

7. Strange Fruit Billie Holiday (1939)Strange indeed and insufferable, too. This notorious anti-lynching song unfortunately helped cement Billie Holiday's reputation as a wounded torch singer, gardenia optional. Musically tedious, Strange Fruit is outfitted with grotesque lyrics ("bulging eyes", "twisted mouth", "burning flesh") which exploit the horrors of lynching more than they condemn it. Holiday began her career as a superb interpreter of swinging pop songs but eventually succumbed to the melodramatics of songs like this. While some Holiday acolytes feel that no vocalists are worthy enough to cover the song, it's really the other way round. It's impossible for anyone to sing Strange Fruit without sounding like an agitprop fanatic.

6. DOA Bloodrock (1971)An ode to the ephemeral joy that comes from being a corpse who perished in a plane crash, the sick DOA describes the searing pain in the victim's body, his blood oozing out of him while his mangled girlfriend lies nearby. A see-sawing organ resembling an ambulance siren slogs its way through the entire track. The song became a minor hit for Bloodrock, leading to the song's most depressing aspect: being forced to play it over and over again. Weary of waking up screaming at night, the band refused audience requests to perform it during their concerts, causing mass walkouts. The group soon broke up.

5. Seasons in the Sun Terry Jacks (1974)This mawkish translation of the Jacques Brel song Le Moribond hit no 1 and tormented a generation of radio listeners with its mortal sappiness and earworm chorus ("we had joy, we had fun ... "). Seasons in the Sun is about a dying man bidding farewell to a close friend, his father, and some girl named Michelle. Featuring four superfluous key changes, the song has not lost its power to fold and mutilate listeners.

4. Total Eclipse of the Heart Bonnie Tyler (1984)The Welsh singer's collaboration with Meat Loaf producer Jim Steinman still vanquishes all those who turn around to gaze into its bright eyes. Under Steinman's direction, Tyler rasps her way through a million permutations of the phrase "every now and then, I get a little bit [insert neurosis here]" before losing it during the song's demented chorus. Clocking in at over seven minutes, Total Eclipse is Wagner's Ring Cycle without the funny hats; the equivalent of an opera company pelting you with copies of Anne Rice novels. You're completely drained when it's over and desperately in need of a shower to rinse off the raven droppings.

3. Honey Bobby Goldsboro (1968)The world's wordiest dead wife song, Honey is jammed full of blooming flowers, puffy clouds, singing robins, planted trees, and a puppy, all of which just make you want to swallow a hand grenade. The narrator mourns Honey, his deceased spouse, while condescendingly describing her as kinda dumb and kinda smart. If you feel inclined to listen to Honey, please drink heavily and then bale out after Honey dents the car. Otherwise, you'll get hit with angels carrying Honey away and clouds crying on flower beds. You won't make it out with your senses intact. It is that bad.

2. The Shortest Story Harry Chapin (1976)The most misguided song ever written, the ghastly The Shortest Story features the late songwriter/activist Harry Chapin adopting the persona of an African baby who dies of malnutrition. From the infant's viewpoint, we hear about his hunger pangs, weeping siblings, and how his mother's shrivelled breast cannot produce milk. He finally expires while sickly birds "crawl across the sky". The song ends with the portentous clang of a tubular bell, the banshee of musical instruments. Though it was meant to instill awareness about world hunger, The Shortest Story is like 50 tons of nuclear waste dumped in the middle of a park to show how bad it is to drop litter.


1. The Christmas Shoes Newsong (2000)Never heard of it? Well, you should. This serotonin-draining Yuletide song, based on an apocryphal story passed around the internet, hit no 1 on the adult contemporary charts in the US while spawning a best- selling novella and a top-rated TV movie. It tells of a disgruntled holiday shopper who encounters a lone dishevelled little boy trying to buy a pair of shoes for his dying mother. The lad doesn't have enough money and pleads with the man to help so mummy can look good when she "meets Jesus tonight". The man's Grinch facade melts and he chips in some cash. The little boy runs out of the store by himself while the guy thanks God for reminding him about the true spirit of Christmas. Following this logic, then, Christmas is about afflicting a boy's mother with a terminal disease so a self-absorbed moron can feel good about giving a few quid to an unaccompanied seven-year-old. The Christmas Shoes is smug, saccharine and more depressing than the Cure's entire career. And because it's Christmas-themed and we have to hear it year after year in the US, it gets my vote as the most depressing song ever. Download at your own peril.
· I Hate Myself and Want To Die by Tom Reynolds is published by Sanctuary."



What ya think? Let me know.


Sad and depressed

Uncle Undr

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Another 100 list. Oh the humanity!!!!!

I know this is narcissistic of me.

Dear Undies:

Another 100 things you may or may not want to know about me. Pay attention, there will be test.

1. I love sour patch kids.
2 I love Big Bol gum. I can’t find them anywhere. They used to be a penny. I would buy a hundred of them.











3. The day I graduated from kindergarten, I did two amazing things (at least to me): I crossed the street by myself.
4. And bought orange juice from a grocery store on the other side of the street. (its been down hill from there)
5. I don’t like to wear jewelry
6. Can’t grow a beard.
7. I shave an annoying patch of hair on my chin. It would probably take 3 years to grow a goatee 8 The quality that I am most proud of is my humility.
9 As a kid, I could not color within the lines. Still can’t.
10 Favorite Irish word: Shalalee.(well, I think its Irish, the policemen in old cartoons would saI'm Im gonna hit ya wit my shalalee (police club)
11. Favorite Hebrew word: Schmuck
12 Favorite French word: Fenetre.(window)
13. I tan nicely.
14 At this point my fore arms and face have an awesome tan. The rest of body looks like those frogs that are transparent and you can see their vital organs. Hey, theres my spleen.
15 I don't know what my spleen is good for. Sorry, Mrs. Dixon.(my high school Anatomy Teacher.)
16 If I had a baby girl, I would name her Gwyneth.
17 If I had a baby boy, I would name him Andrew
18 Man Crush at the moment: Lance Armstrong. I just admire him. Don't get any ideas
19 I may not be gay, because I'm too lazy. Highlighting hair, being neat and dressing nice is too much work. Who has the time?
20 I hate stereotypes.
21 No one ever gave me one of those Giant Cookies.
22 Thank god, can you imagine what one those things does to your colon?
23 Ever since I can remember, women have always found me non-threatening. Always the girls' best friend. Hence, you will notice, the comments I get on this blog are mainly from women.
24 One girl actually said this to me:"I wish my boyfriend was like you but not you ” Therapy is in my future I know it.
25 From now on I will be more threatening. GRRRRR! Look at my threatening face. I'm so aloof and non caring....I ...
26 Who am I kidding? Im adorable. I can't stay mad at you.
27 When I was self-employed, I heard a voice in my head that said "Kill your boss”
28 Just kidding, I’ve never been self-employed.
29 No body piercings.
30 Well, I once stapled my finger. Does that count?
31 In restaurants, when I cannot decide what I want, I wait until the server asks me what I want and then I order by the seat of my pants. I work well under pressure.
32 on the other hand, when I’m at a drive thru, I dontt have thay luxury. I must have my order ready, so I don't look stupid. They laugh at me, I know it.
33 I don't particularly like reality shows but I am hooked on them.
34 Song in my head at this moment. “Baby got back” “I like big butts and I can not lie…”
35 Favorite Simpson's Character: Ralph Wiggum,


he says: "My cat's breath smells like cat food"

36 I cant cook.
37 My class voted me: most likely to become a comedian. Yeah, that'ss not working out.
38 I felt sorry for Vice President Quayle. He just couldn't win
39 I can dance Salsa, Merengue and the Hokey Pokey
40 That’s what its all about…Hokey Pokey!!!
41 Dying to go to Canada.
42 I don’t know why. I hear it’s really clean
43 New York Style Pizza is the best.
44 I hate Pizza Hut. When I actually eat there I order Thin and Crispy
45 I cannot park. I, mean, I park within the lines but the cars always crooked.
46 I took Driver’s Education in High School.
47 Barely passed the driving exams.
48 Aced the written tests.
49 Got my license, but I didn’t know how to drive.
50 First time driving, I almost caused a major accident.
51 Love the Hanukkah Song
52 Favorite Expression on male bonding: “ I love you , man. Not in a gay way, but in a prison way”
53 I love Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks movies.
54 Another favorite expression: “Come here you tub of love”
55 I loved riding the subway in New York.
56 Went to the beach more often in New York than in Florida.
57 My dad's been sober for 14 years and I find it hard to tell him I’m proud of him
58 IÂ’m not that close with my family.
59 Mom is going through menopause. She might hate me. Its okay, its just a phase or is it?
60 I am always tense.
61 Which means getting massages are a painful experience.
62 Someone suggested I should do that stuff they do with the needles… Whats it called?
63 Acupunture?
64 No, heroin. (pa dum dum tish---rim shot) Thank you I’ll be here all week. Tip your waitresses.
65. I always tip 20%
66 Even if the service sucked.
67 Love to laugh
68 Love to make people laugh.
69 I try to write stuff from points of view I may never understand.
70 I have a Chihuahua
71 I know it’s more like a rodent. But he’s a nice guy.
72 I love when people say aboot instead of About.
73 Song in my head at this moment: Criminal by Fiona Apple. Is she dead? Skinny lil’ thing
74 I love those Garbage Pail kids Cards
75 I Don’t stand up for myself as much as I should
76 When I do it, I always get in some kind of trouble. Or I feel guilty
77 Wore the same Corduroy pants for two years. As I grew, my mom just lowered the cuffs and I had a line in my pants. Therapy, I’m coming!
78 Cried when I saw the movie E.T. I was 6.
79 When I make my own lunch, I tend to eat it before noon. Then at noon I’m hungry.
80 I thought of this footnote and added it to the One Million Footnotes blog. Its pretty gross, parental discretion is advised.
81 Sour Apple Jolly Ranchers are the best.
82 I have passed two kidney stones. I later named them: Butt and Ugly
83 Still have my wisdom teeth.
84 Last dentist I went to, was a children's dentist. Imagine a 29 year old man in a little kids dentist chair. Hey but it was free. My sister worked there.
85 He did not give me a sugar free lollipop.
86 I have two younger sisters.
87 No brothers
88 Never went to my prom or any other prom. I don’t regret it for nothing in the world.
89 I apologize too much. I’m sorry about that.
90 Song in my head at this moment: Pearl Jam “Corduroy”
91 I will never sell out
92 Unless, they pay me a lot of money.
93 One of the saddest movies I have ever seen is “the Champ” with little Ricky Schroeder. Man, you will cry. I was 5.
94 My favorite class in high school: Creative writing.
95 Least favorite class in high school: Geometry
96 I still have my tonsils.
97 Best comeback lines have come to me at 2am a week after I was dissed. Man, but they were zingers!
98 Do they still use the word dissed?
99 IÂ’ll be thirty soon. Midlife crisis here I come! Right after Therapy, I promise.
100 Favorite Comic Strips: Peanuts, Calvin and Hobbes, and Fox Trot.

UnDR

P.S. Does any one remember the Humpty Dance song? “ The Humpty dance is your chance….” No? well you had to be there.

Which Dark Word Represents you?

Okay, here at the Underachiever's headquarters we continue to strive in excellence providing you with quality entertainment. After countless hours of research (5 mins) and misuse of office supplies, I came across this quiz . Which dark word represents you?
Take it. I said "Take itm Now! and let me know the outcome. here is mine:





























Your word is: Numb.

You may have felt much before, maybe even too much. But now there is nothing or hardly anything left of the emotions.
Emotional pain is probably the cause of this,
but it's not like you care. To you everything
is meaningless, life is without flavour and you
wonder when it will end. Though you hardly feel
sad, you aren't seen happy so often either.
Perhaps someday you will be brought back to
life.


What dark word represents you? (anime pics and 7 outcomes)
brought to you by Quizilla



Wow, never would have guessed. Maybe, I just never felt it.


Numbly,

Undr
PS I found this on Overshop's blog. Please support this and other blogs. You may just be saving a life or not, but just do it already.

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