Thursday, July 07, 2005

Adventures from the UNdr World

Dear Undies:

As you know, I am culinaryly(made up word) challenged. I cannot cook. I have trouble in the kitchen. If I'm not undercooking some salmonella ,I'm burning the bejesus out of toast.

Which reminds me of story:

It was a hot summer afternoon. I was living in a suburb of Altanta. I was hungry. (this is so Hemingway).

At the time, the contents of my fridge were: an emtpy Ketchup(Catsup) Bottle, a can of beer, something in tupperware that didn't belong to me and possibly had the cure of all ailments growing in it. Also, there were 3 eggs.

Yes! 3 eggs! So I look at those little ivory nuggets from heaven(or from a chicken's butt) and I thought to myself. "I will cook them and have a feast worthy of the Iron Chef. " "Hmm", I thought; "What can I make with three eggs?" Omelet. No! This involves pans and ingredients, I cannot even imagine what I would do. Eggs Benedict? Hell no, I don't even now what those are. I mean, I'm still trying to figure out Canadian Bacon(hey dewey!).

Therefore, the only possible conclusion is: Hard Boiled Eggs. Yes!

But wait, this is quite the conondrum. This involves a pan, water, boiling said water and waiting. I don't know if this is true, but I remember someone telling me that I should let the eggs boil for 15 minutes. Or was it 5? I don't know. Anyway, I figured, I can't wait that long, My stomach is about to eat my spleen! I can't allow this. "I'll save you spleeny!"

This is when I get the idea of speeding up the process and decide to boil eggs in the microwave.

So, I get a microwave safe bowl. I add water and set it for 5 minutes.

As I'm getting the many condiments for this feast ie: salt, I hear a loud bang!

My dog, Brownie, starts barking like a ..uh.. well, dog and I drop to the floor thinking to myself "I'm getting carjacked, but I'm not in my car" and thats when the smell of burnt egg hit my nose.

You should have seen the poor egg, it was internal combustion at its worse. I cleaned up the mess and decided to have at it again.


I took my second egg. I gently placed in another water filled bowl and now set the timer at 3 minutes.

Two and half minutes later, Brownie's barking, I'm on the floor with the first bowl of discombobulated egg.

By the time, I cleaned up that mess, 20 minutes had gone by. My spleen is gone.


I realized what went wrong. I reasoned that 3 and 5 minutes were the equivalent of putting those eggs in a nuclear reactor. Thus, I set the timer a 1.5 minutes. In, yet, another bowl of water.

Beep...beep...beep. BOOYAH! Success! Let the feast begin. And so I take the egg in hand(get a little burned) and proceed to tap it ever so gently with a spoon to break off the shell.


The damned egg blew up in my face. OWWWW!!!!! Brownie is barking and licking the egg off the floor at the same time. My head is covered in the microwaved remains of a chicken and the walls, oh my God the walls!

Needless to say, the egg thing was not a success, I was still hungry, missing a spleen and trying to figure out what to I could make with ketchup, beer and the science fair project in the tupperware.

These events were true....honest...stick a needle in my eye....scouts honor

With eggshell in his hair,


Here is a terrible illustration. If you think my poetry sucks, wait till you see my art.


At 10:30 AM, July 07, 2005, Anonymous Julie said...

*sigh* UNdr... Cooking is not that hard to master. Here is a link to some easy recipes:

Because I mean really... What the hell kind of draft-dodging 2nd husband will you make if you can't even have dinner waiting for husband #1 and I when we get home?

At 10:41 AM, July 07, 2005, Blogger Underachiever said...

*sighing back at ya*

Hey! We have an arrangement. He cooks from Monday thru Friday and I take you out to eat on the weekend. It will work out I promise.

If you need me I'll be frolicking in your garden of non passage.

P.S. that was a while back, I know what to do now. No more eggs.

At 1:02 AM, July 08, 2005, Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

I have done this but not in the microwave, just on the stove top. I learned you dont boil eggs in a shallow pan of water for 2 hours. Linda

At 10:57 AM, July 09, 2005, Blogger Carissa said...

Consider yourself lucky. I was boiling some eggs I took off the yard to feed back to the chickens.

A couple of the eggs must have been left over from when a hen was sitting some, because they exploded the second the water heated up.

And after they've been underneath a chicken for 21 days, they are rotten and will explode easily.

Now I make sure The Boyfriend gets up the non-hatching eggs as soon as the other eggs hatch.


PS - Don't feel bad. When I mvoed in here and was making scrambled eggs, The Boyfriend said, "So that's how you make them." He has been able to make it to 29, but doesn't know how to scramble an egg.

At 12:21 PM, July 11, 2005, Blogger Terri said...

HAHAHAHAHA! I'm laughing cos I had an almost identical experience last thursday too... I first tried to boil it on the stove but it popped the second it hit the boiling water, so I got clever & transferred it (sans shell) into my special Microwave Egg Boiler, carefully pricking yolk with toothpick as per instructions on the box before popping it in the microwave for 25 seconds. At 24 seconds it exploded, blowing the lid off my special Microwave Egg Boiler & making a helluva mess inside the microwave, prompting a frustrated screech followed by a good 2-minute blubber from me (I was a little hormonal at the time). Moral of the story: Eggs Do Not Like To Be Microwaved!


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