Friday, July 29, 2005

Being an international superstar, I receive tons of email(today, 3) and letters from far away lands. Such as, Milwaukee, WI(Western Ireland) and Trenton NJ(New Jexico). Of course, I need to filter most of my mail. I get alot from two people in particular: Penis Enlargement(How do they know?) and an old lady that sends me naked pictures(Gee, Grandma, thanks! Shudder and dry heaving)

Once, I have filtered or saved some of these emails, I pay attention to the real fans. The ones that love me, worship me, if you will. Most of which ask me questions. And that is no surprise, because I know a lot of stuff.

So, I will share with you recent Fan letters.

This one is from Germany(i think its near Alaska)

Dear Mr. Achiever,

I live in a small German Village, and I painstakingly learned the English Language, just so I could write you a letter. You are the greatest.

Uber Achievabaum
A small German Village, Germany

Thank you or as the German say, "Gracias"

Another one, this time from Africa( a little nearer to Alaska)

Dear Mr. Achiever,

I want to go to America, but I hear that in Georgia there is a plant that is taking over. We have heard of crazy rhinos trying to take over the world, but a plant? You are the greatest.

Uganda Acheivanlokondembe
Republic of a crazy horde of Rhinos, Sierra Leone, Africa


Dear Uganda
You are correct, this is called KUDZU(Its Japanese for "a plant that wants to take over the world")

Yes Kudzu, was brought to this fine land by the Irish and the Kurds. It was originally just supposed to be a garnish. Until a unit of Kudzu, called Kudzuey, escaped and planted itself along the highways of Georgia, United States. But never fear my Rhino fearing friend. We at the Undr's house of pancakes and scientific experimentation lab are working hard at getting rid of this plant from hell.
After 2 full minutes of studying Kudzu, we have determined that the only way to stop it is to find the mother root and plant 3 megatons of nuclear explosives. After detonation, it should have killed at least two leaves and leave a big crater we will call kuzu hole. It's a start. Please visit this country, don't let the kudzu scare you. uh wait, I have some growing on my leg. Where's my gun?

and last but not least: Here's one from Alaska(near Alaska suprisingly)

Dear Mr. Achiever,

I need some advice. I have a girlfriend, but I think I'm falling for a polar bear. What should I do? You're the greastest.

Uskimo Achievamo

Dear Uskimo:

Although, it's not an easy decision. Think about it, do you really want to deal with all that hair the fishy smell and not to mention the constant pooping? Yea, dude, dump her and go for the bear.


It brings a tear to my eye, to know that I am the greatest and I can help my friends in some way. Please feel free to ask for my advice. The least you could do is comment on this post and tell me how stupid I am. (Be gentle)

Thank you or as the german say "thank you hitler".

Undr(Advice Columnist to the Stars)

6 Comments:

At 10:00 PM, July 29, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear mr. achiever,

if i like to play "baby" in the bedroom, but i'm pregnant, is that a conflict? please advise.

thanks,

baby lover

 
At 10:33 PM, July 29, 2005, Blogger Underachiever said...

Dear Baby Lover,

Although a very intriguing queskion, I must say that yes there is a conflict. I advise you to depregnatize and then continue to play baby. For now just play pregnant baby. and for pete's sake please remember the soft spot.

Ahem, you forgot to say I'm the greatest.(It's ok you're a beginner)

Undr(I had to look up playing baby to answer this. Weird, intresting but Weird)

 
At 8:46 AM, July 30, 2005, Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

Dear Under, You are the greatest(not for sure what you are the greatest at but I didnt want to get shot by a b.b. gun for not tellin you)Anyways How do you get rid of those pesky emails that says they can enlarge your penis? I don't have one so therefore I don't want to enlarge it!

 
At 12:04 PM, July 30, 2005, Blogger Carissa said...

Dear Undr,

You are the greatest. I think the best way to get rid of the kudzu is to tell all the drunks and teenage boys in the area that eating kudzu increases the effects of alcohol.

Problem solved.

Carissa

 
At 1:01 PM, July 30, 2005, Blogger Anna said...

Darn Kudzu.... did you know in the state of Missouri we pay a Kudzu tax to help combat kudzu? Screw education man--- got to destroy the kudzu.

 
At 8:45 PM, July 30, 2005, Blogger No-L said...

Dear Undr,

You are the greatest! Why do the people in Boston talk funny? They add r's to things ie. i-dear & air-e-ar (idea & area.) They take r's away from things like Worcester is pronounced wusta (seriously), a town spelled Peobody is pronounced P-bidy and another one is Woburn promounced woo-bin. I thought Mass was suppose to be the smartest state, am I just stupid?


Please help me I am a southern gal,
No-L

 

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