Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Undr's Comedy Hour

Yes! Its time for the funniest hour in Blogsville, USA and Canada(hey Dewey).
It's time for UNdrs' Comedy
Spectacular Extravaganza Show of the millennium Show!
(redundant? I don't zink so)
Here's your host, the funniest man this side of Rising Fawn, GA:
UNDR.
(Canned applause)
(Canned Laughter)
(Real Crying and a couple of crickets)
Okay, back to the show.
There are jokes that are old, dumb and stupid. But they make you laugh like a monkey getting a physical( rectal exam and all).
So, share your jokes with millions of bloggers and blog stalkers. This is your moment to shine, so tell me your lame/funny jokes.
The winner in this contest(I didn't mention this was a contest? I'm just full of surprises ain't I?)
Ahem, before I was rudely interrupted, The winner of this contest will have to choose one of these fabulous prizes:
A semi expense paid(bus fare only from a stolen student's bus pass) trip to
Hoboken, NJ.
City Motto: "If the smog don't kill ya, the bums will."
You will stay at Haji's Days Inn and He will make all your dreams come true, within the realm of semi-clean towels and used soap.
or you have the choice of:
A no expense paid trip to
Gumlog, GA. (unincorporated)
Pop. 62 (2% margin of error, some stray dogs were not included in the census)
Town Motto: Moonshine? What Moonshine?
You will stay at the World Renowned "Cousin Buford Chalet and Spa" (Shack and Outhouse)
Where amenities include: A door(no lock) and an outhouse(no door)
Please send in your Joke entries.
Remember: this is a family show, so cuss a lot or not.
Here are some of mine.
We'll start off with a momma joke.
Your mamma's so fat....
she uses a VCR as a Beeper.
Here's another one:
Your mamma's so fat...
she jumped up and got stuck....(you ask: stuck in what? Come on ask it! I said: "Ask it!" this is interactive you bum)
answer: Between planets
No good? Okay here is a riddley one.
What is yellow, yellow, yellow-red. yellow-red, red, yellow, red, yellow, red, red, red?
A chick (you know a baby chicken) in a blender. Okay, that's just wrong. Funny, but wrong.
Of course the always offensive Ethiopian Jokes(truly sorry about this one)
What is the Ethiopian national Bird?
The fly.(because they're hungry and the flies....Oh well you had to be there)
and last but not least:
A guy and a girl are making out.
The guy stops and says while chewing: "Honey, I think I got your gum"
The girl says "No, I just cleared my throat"
Well, this concludes Undr's Comedy spectacular extravaganza show of the millenium show.
While your trying to scrape your retinas for reading this crapola, think of jokes to send me. I want a bunch of them. (So, I can claim them as my own, and rule the world...Oops did I say that out loud? Disregard!)
UNdr (I'll be here all week, try the veal)

16 Comments:

At 8:23 AM, July 06, 2005, Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

Feel free to steal these cause I did. I think you should throw in a few blonde and redneck jokes so I stole some for you.

What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.

Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
They're doing research on black holes.

You might be a redneck if your front porch collaspes and kills more then 3 dogs.

You might be a redneck if your home has more miles on it then your vehicle.

 
At 10:46 AM, July 06, 2005, Blogger Lori said...

What do you call a chinese man with green hair????? BROCK LEE!!!!!

 
At 3:25 PM, July 06, 2005, Blogger j2 said...

you're weird. i can't tell a joke to save my life.

bork bork bork!

 
At 7:35 PM, July 06, 2005, Blogger dewey said...

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! " However, he was somewhat flattered that he might resemble one of her former lovers.

Then again he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He sat in his car, holding his head in his hands, never realizing that she was his son's second grade teacher.

 
At 7:37 PM, July 06, 2005, Blogger dewey said...

Doctor Humour

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

 
At 7:56 PM, July 06, 2005, Blogger dewey said...

Don't Mess with Canada...

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.

The first man had married a British woman. He bragged that he had told his wife to do all the dishes and clean the house. He said that it took her a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a an American. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told the men that the first day he didn't see any results, but by the next day it was better, and on the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Canadian girl. He told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry folded. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!

Got to love us Canadian girls!

 
At 11:58 PM, July 06, 2005, Blogger Lori said...

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, ''That was a karate chop from Korea.''
The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,''That was a karate chop from China.''
The little guy got up and decided he wasn't going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he's on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender, ''Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!''
From THE TWINS!!

 
At 12:05 AM, July 07, 2005, Blogger Lori said...

Fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant...
"I finished the Oreo's."
"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
"Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
"Get your *own* ice cream."
"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
"Got milk ?"
"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
"Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."
"Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!"
"You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."
From THE TWINS!!!

 
At 10:35 AM, July 07, 2005, Blogger Lori said...

Q. What Do You Get When You Pour Boiling Hot Water Down A Bunny Hole?
A. Hot Cross Bunnies!
Q. Why Don't Bunnies Make Noise When They Make Love?
A. Because They Have Cotton Balls.
Q. What Do You Get When You Anesthetize A Bunny?
A. The Ether Bunny.
Q. What Do You Get When You Cross A Flea With A Bunny?
A. A Bug's Bunny.
Q. What Do You Get When You Have A Cold Puppy Sitting On A Bunny?
A. Chilly Dog On A Bunny.
Q. What Does It Mean When The Easter Bunny Arrives One Day Late With � Melted Candy?
A. He Probably Had A Bad Hare Day.
Q. What Is Invisible And Smells Like Carrots?
A. Bunny Farts
Q. What Is The Difference Beteen A Counterfeit Bill And An Angry Bunny?
A. One Is Bad Money, The Other Is A Mad Bunny.
Q. What Is The Difference Between Bunny Periodicals And Sacks Of Coins?
A. Bunny Periodicals Are Bunny Mags Whilesacks Of Coins Are Money Bags.
Q. Where Does A Bunny Go When It Needs Grooming?
A. To A Hare Dresser.
Q. Why Does The Easter Bunny Hide His Eggs?
A. Because He Doesn't Want Anyone To Know He's Screwing Around With A � Chicken.
Q. How Do You Catch A Unique Bunny?
A. Unique Up On Him.
Q. How Do You Catch A Tame Bunny?
A. The Tame Way, Unique Up On Him.
Q. How Does A Bunny Make Gold Soup?
A. He Begins With 24 Carrots.
Q. How Many Aggies Does It Take To Make Chocolate Chip Cookies?
A. Three, One To Mix The Batter And Two To Squeeze The Bunny.
Q. What Did One Bunny Say To The Other Bunny?
A. Nothing. Bunnys Can't Talk.
Q. What Did The Butcher Reply When A Lady Asked If She Could Buy � Half A Bunny?
A. 'No! I Don't Want To Split Hares.'
Q. What Did The Disgruntled Wife Of The Tortoise Say To Her Friend?
A. 'Guess Whet Else He Does Faster Than A Bunny?
Q. What Do You Call A Quadriplegic Man With A Bunny Up His Nose?
A. Warren.
Q. What Do You Call A Bunny Sitting On Your Face?
A. Unwanted Facial Hare.
Q. What Do You Get When You Cross A Cow With A Bunny?
A. A Hare In Your Milk.
Q. What Do You Get When You Cross A Bunny With A Kilt?
A. Hopscotch.
Q. What Do You Get When You Cross A Spider With A Bunny?
A. A Hare Net.
Q. What Do You Get When You Cross An Elephant With A Bunny?
A. A Dead Bunny With A Two Foot Asshole!
Q. What Do You Use To Paint A Bunny?
A. Hare Spray.
Q. What Goes Faster Than A Bunny In A Field?
A. A Bunny In A Blender.
Q. What If You Crossed A Bunny With A Wolf?
A. You'd Get A Harewolf.
Q. What Is A Bunny's Favorite Car?
A. A Hutchback.
Q. What Is The Difference Between A New-Age Bunny That Is Preparing For � The Future And One That Is Getting Ready For Dinner?
A. The First Bunny Will Visualize World Peace. The Second Bunny Will � Visualize Whirled Peas.
Q. What Is The Difference Between Bunny Periodicals And Sacks Of Coins?
A. Bunny Periodicals Are Bunny Mags Whilesacks Of Coins Are Money Bags.
Q. What Is The Most Frustrated Animal In The World?
A. A Brunette Bunny.
Q. Why Did The Tired Bunny Have To Give Up The Ball?
A. Because He Was Out-Of-Bounds.
Q. Why Was The Lady Bunny So Unhappy?
A. She Had A Bad Hare Day.
Q. What Did The Bunny Give His Girlfriend For Christmas?
A. A 14 Carrot Ring!
Q. Why Did The Man Wear A Bunny As A Hat?
A. Because He Didn't Want Anyone To Harm A Hare On His Head.
Q. What Do You Call A Cool Bunny?
A. A Hip Hopper.
Q. How Do You Catch A Unique Bunny?
A. Unique Up On It.
From Us: The TWINS!

 
At 10:47 AM, July 07, 2005, Blogger Underachiever said...

Keep em comin,

I have a quota to fill.

LMAO

Undr

 
At 11:01 AM, July 09, 2005, Blogger Carissa said...

A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediatelysprings into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

 
At 11:15 AM, July 09, 2005, Blogger Carissa said...

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

 
At 11:19 AM, July 09, 2005, Blogger Carissa said...

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

 
At 11:42 AM, July 09, 2005, Blogger Carissa said...

What's green, fuzzy, has 4 legs, and, if it falls out of a tree, can kill you?

A pool table.

 
At 11:43 AM, July 09, 2005, Blogger Carissa said...

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

 
At 11:25 PM, July 10, 2005, Blogger Underachiever said...

Well, pack your bags! You are all winners!

You get to go on both trips!

What? You don't want the prizes?

Ingrates.

Undr

 

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