Monday, August 22, 2005

Take me out to the ball game.. aww shut up!

Dear Undies:

Did everyone have a good weekend? I'm sure y'all did. Let me tell you how my weekend went.

This past weekend, Saturday to be exact, I played baseball. For those of you going, "huh? Baseball? Wot's that? Well, first off it's a game.(Duh!) Secondly, there is a lot of cussing, spitting, buttock slapping and Christian-parts scratching and repositioning, if you will. Occasionally during all this self-fondling, we manage to play the game.

I met up with some friends from Atlanta and we played for 15 straight innings. I was 6 for 10. Which means that I was pronounced clinically dead 6 out of the 10 times I collapsed from exhaustion. Of course, this was during the first 15 minutes of the game.

Let me tell you, it was hot, humid, sticky and stinky... My jock strap that is. ( Why would I wear a Jock strap? Illusion my friends, Illusion. Some say it has an enlarging effect. Not like a fish tank cleaner though. Thanx Anika!)

Although it was hotter than blazes we managed to have a good time by playing endlessly into the night. Why? Because we are men.(By men, I mean stupid.)

As you may imagine, I am not in the greatest shape of my life. It's literally been years since I played. That's why it was surprising to see that I still had it in me. Yes sireee Bob, I can still play with the best of them. (By "best of them", I mean old people)

In fact, I was number 9 in the batting order.(Last Batter.) My teammates strategically placed me there, behind the kid in the wheelchair and the blind homeless guy. It was evident that my teammates had very little to no confidence in me. Nevertheless, I did alright for myself. I made more hits than I expected. And I broke the world record in groinular scratches.(The secret is: scratch vigorously.) Aaah! Good times.

Yes, my undirific friends, we had a blast, despite the blinding pain in muscles that we didn't know still existed. We thought those muscles were gone forever. Especially after the Twinkies got to them.

And so in conclusion, today I woke up happy, proud and in a heckuvalot of pain. I'm talkin' so much pain that the only way to make me feel better would be a massage from an eighteen wheeler.

Regardless, I do not regret my latest sports venture. NO! I embrace it. Besides, where else can we scratch ourselves and not get those weird looks or arrested even?


Hezekiah Gertrude Undrstein Gonzalez-Hyphen-Smith. (AKA Undr)

PS Is groinular a word? Also, Do you have a great moment in sports achievement? Let me know, if not make it up. Love ya, mean it.


At 2:23 AM, August 23, 2005, Blogger j2 said...

i'm glad you didn't die in the heat.

great sports moment: while playing tennis my partner went for the ball the same time i did (no communication of course) and she somehow got my face instead. i was bloody and fat lipped for over a week.

other than that, i am a wonderful athlete, look for me in the next olymic games. track and field. a little swimming too.

At 8:41 AM, August 23, 2005, Blogger Terri said...

I feel your pain, Undr! But at least you got to *enjoy* yourself.

Great sporting achievement? My first attempt at golf - swung at the ball with everything I had, and it flew through the air & landed about 6 feet away from me. I think that was my last attempt at golf too, actually.

At 9:04 AM, August 23, 2005, Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

HHMMMM groinular is not in my dictionary but that is an interesting word.
Baseball in this heat are you crazy? But if I had the chance I would play too. My greatest sports moment?? I do not have one unless cheerleading counts. Last year Lori and the kids played a mean game of wiffle ball and I cheered them on. Pom Poms, skirt and all. Rah Rah Whack that plastic ball Lori Rah Rah!!! :)

At 9:43 AM, August 23, 2005, Blogger Lori said...

Greatest sports moment was earlier this year when we were at the park playing catch and I threw the baseball and my boyfriend missed it and it came down on his wrist so hard it left a imprint and bruise like the stitching on the baseball and put his thumb out of commission for about 2 weeks.

At 3:05 PM, August 23, 2005, Blogger Ben O. said...

I believe "Groinular" IS a word. It can be found sandwiched inbetween "Gravitationology" and "Grzzdorf" in any standard dictionary.

Look it up!

Ben O.

At 3:26 PM, August 23, 2005, Blogger grody jo-dee said...

when i was in high school, i was a cheerleader.....i was on the bottom of this pyramid lift thingy, and the girl i was holding up (my sister) farted on me! it's a good thing we're related or i would have beaten her up. but i got her back...i dropped her cause i was so surprised. luckily it was just practice and not a game.

At 4:15 PM, August 23, 2005, Blogger gunngirl said...

Well, me and sports DO NOT MIX, so I gotta go way back to H.S and Vollyball. Can't say there were great moments, but I managed (shockingly) to be very useful to the team, even blocked a few shots and got many over the net.

Also, good for you that you had fun, got excercise and even created a new word. I'd say you're on a roll for the week.

At 4:47 PM, August 23, 2005, Blogger just a mom said...

HHHMMMM.....greatest sports moment? Well, I don't do those outside sport like thingies anymore........I am a princess after all. I tried to play soft ball with my co-workers one time and when the pitcher threw the ball, I screamed, dropped the bat and ran away (hands flopping, tongue sticking out and everything).
Another time, I was warming up for a track meet (in high school - a LONG time ago) and I decided to show off for the boys and was going to do a practice hurdle. I tripped and fell face first onto the track. Busted my mouth up and scraped up my nose and chin where they looked like ground meat. The boys were impressed, I think.

At 11:26 PM, August 23, 2005, Blogger No-L said...

I was in a fastpitch softball tournament some many, many years ago. I was the pitcher and It was the beginning of an inning when you warm up. The third baseman was throwing the ball to first warming up also and she got out of sorts and was really close to me. I didn't have any clue where she was at, because I was practicing. Then all of a sudden she screams my name, I turn and look next thing I know I am on the ground with 5 people standing over me. She had thrown the ball as hard as she could right into my nose. I ended up going to the emergency room and having a cracked nose, missing the entire game. However, I played the next day. Later on that year I made it to all stars and our team won 1st place in state.

At 11:28 PM, August 23, 2005, Blogger Gowan will not be silenced said...

i'm so glad you said it first. I thought lust at first... but now I know for sure... ummm.. was that creepy. bye.

At 11:34 PM, August 23, 2005, Blogger shipkicker said...

ummm sports are for babies...


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