Monday, August 08, 2005

Tour of the Undrworld.

Dear Undies:
It's not everyday that a man of my stature gets a revelation so profound, that he has to share it with the world. Let me splain.

I was at the Olive Garden. It's a little mom and pop Italian restaurant, maybe you've heard of it. They have, at this restaurant, a menu item called the Tour of Italy. Now, I could be wrong because, I wasn't actually in the Restaurant. I was in the parking lot, enjoying my take-out order of General Tso's Chicken(I salute you, General!).

That's when it hit me like a hardened semi-cooked piece of General Tso's Chicken.(Still Saluting)

I should give my undies a tour of some of the places in Northeast GA. We will call it "The tour of Places in Northeast GA". I like the sound of that.

So, hop on the short bus and strap in. We're going for a ride. YEEHAW!!!

Now, near my home there are a series of small towns. We call this area "the Armpit of Georgia"(motto: Currently trying to make "the Armpit of Georgia" our motto.)
All the towns are quaint(which means dumpy) and have that hometown feel(which means dumpy).

The restaurants are your run-of-the-mill franchises and your mom and pop places. In Toccoa, for example there are 750 fried chicken places and one barbecue place. Coincidently, they are all called "The choke and puke". Let me say that they are not as fancy as Rising Fawn's "Gnaw and Swallow" (Hi Carissa!) or the well renowed Mississippi Mudhole Bar and Feed Store, which is also the name of a church and city hall.(Hi Linda!) Nonetheless, it's our hometown restaurants and we love them. Not like that snooty McDonald's.(Snooty Motto: At least we have plastic silverware.)

Lets waddle back on the bus and continue our tour. No bathroom breaks. Don't worry the seats are vinyl.

Now we are on one of the famous streets in the "Tri-Kudzu Area" I don't want to embarrass our fellow Toccoans, so I won't tell you the name of this street. True, it's a BROAD street and the people here have a BROAD point of view, but I won't tell you the street name. Let's call it The synonym of Wide street.

The synonym of Wide Street is in the bad part of town. If you walk this street from one end to the other, you will definitely get 3 stab wounds, 5 Crack Vials and of course, Fried Chicken.
We have on TSOW Street many colorful characters. One of which is "Speedy". "Speedy" is a homeless man who wears a full suit, no tie, and walks at an unbelievable speed up and down the street. He looks like a rushed businessman whose late, but with no where to go.

Then there is the world famous "Dancy". He is always dancing and waving at nonexistant cars. Look! He's waving at us now. For the love of Mike, DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT!!!!! I repeat DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT!!!


At this point our stolen short bus is making a sputtering and unexpected stop. Thus, concluding our tour. We ask that you remain on the bus, until the police arrive. Until then enjoy your crack and fried chicken.

Undr(DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT!!!!)

PS let me know about interesting places in your neck of the woods. Not the touristy places but those that make your hometown/city home. Love ya, mean it.

4 Comments:

At 7:07 AM, August 08, 2005, Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

There are a lot of interesting places around here. So I am going to post them on my blog for you :)

 
At 7:32 AM, August 08, 2005, Blogger Underachiever said...

Eggsellent!

 
At 7:06 PM, August 08, 2005, Blogger Jen-Nae said...

That tour was great. If you every come to my neck of the woods in BC (not likely, I know) you can sit on my patio and watch the neighbourhood hookers. Yes...we watch them stroll up and down the street and hang out at the bus stop yet, they never get on the bus. They do, however, get in strange people's cars. We all have our issues I guess.

 
At 8:39 PM, August 08, 2005, Blogger exMI said...

Hooker watching. Now that is a new hobby. Maybe you whould do it like bird watchers and keep records wof the differnet varieties and types.

 

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