Friday, August 12, 2005

WHWLTW?. What again?!

First off, let me thank you for your confessions, they were raunchy yet disturbing. (Roadhouse? Come on!) Send me more!!! I love 'em. It's a fetish I have(ooh there's another confession)

Now for our Feature Presentation

My dearest friends and the rest of you freakly-leaky people.

It's time once again for our WHWLTW? segment. For those of you who don't know or care what this means. It is: What Have We Learned This Week? It's not as cool as the CIA but at least it's got more letters.

This week I learned that even good people, who do good things get fleas. Should I continue? Okay, you asked for it.

Yes, I had fleas. Not anymore, though.(As I scratch myself raw.) How does a person that showers 45 times a day get fleas? Let me tell you, gurrl. *snap* *snap*

SIDENOTE: I know some of you are disgusted, but did you know that in some African countries it a status symbol to have fleas? Uh-huh, You are considered a rich fat warthog. End SIDENOTE.

On Tuesday, I had a very a tiring day selling Boiled Peanut(Pronounced "Bawled Paynuts" in these here parts). Near my parking spot is a pile of junk (Did I mention that my parking spot says: "Reserved for Manager"? No? Well, it doesn't) I heard an unusual sound coming from the previously mentioned pile o' crap.

It sounded like a "meow". At first, my keen senses told me that this might be a possum or a chicken or a possum-chicken. (Ha-Ha! Everyone knows that possum-chickens just burp) After careful consideration I deduced that this was a cat. A kitten to be precise. My perceptive good eye(the one without the patch) could tell that this kitten was of a rare variety called the cutie patootie breed.

(I will allow a few seconds for you to say AWWWWWW!) Ok, now that that's out of the way, let me continue.

That poor kitten was really thin. I mean, it was Lindsay Lohan on Crack, thin.(Redundant, I know.)

My paternal instincts moved me to poke it with a stick. (I did it softly, PETA, softly) Only because there is a known fact the possum-chickens often disguise themselves as defenseless creatures. However, in this case the cat was clean, so to speak. I reached in the pile of junk and saved the poor little kitten, which I named: Lindsay Lohan on Crack. I carried LLOC and it looked at me with these big beautiful blue eyes. He was adorable until the bugger scratched me . I couldn't get upset, though. This cat in his scrawnyness emanated the most sugary cuteness you can imagine and then the sugary bastard bit me.

After this, I put him in a cardboard box and watched him eat the contents of a can o' chicken(circa 1996). That's when, to my chagrin, I saw 2.5 million fleas on my parachute pants(circa. 1984). The first thing to pop into my head was "STOP, DROP AND ROLL", which I don't advise to do if you are in a gravel parking lot.("Plink!" There's another piece of gravel that I dislodged from my body)

I then proceeded to beat myself to a bloody pulp, by pounding on my legs thinking the fleas would think its an earthquake and run for shelter. On the cat perhaps. Apparently this action amuses the fleas and makes them want to mate, because at this time there were 5.3 million fleas on me. It was unbelievable. All the fleas from America and Canada(Hi Dewey!, Hi Anika!) were doing the "conga" line on me. It was like a Star Trek Convention, except the Fleas were cool.

Knowing that the cat was the one that introduced me to the fleas, I decided to kill it.

No, just kidding. I took the cat to the vet. He brought out the flea dip. It was pretty good he uses Cheez whiz and chives. Delicious.

Seriously, he hooked up LLOC and gave me a pet carrier. All for 35 bucks. Not bad considering that is what he charged me for Brownie's scotch tape prognosis. LLOC is doing fine. On Thursday I found him a home and all is well with the world. Until the possum-chicken returns, that is.

This is what I learned this week. How's about you?

Feel free to share with me your weekly lesson o' life. I do appreciate it. Gracias (pronounced "Grassy Ass")

Protector of Kitty's world wide and Possum-chicken farmer.

PS *snap* *snap**scratch* *scratch


At 6:51 AM, August 13, 2005, Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

I learned not to fall asleep while your teenage son is driving. I also learned your kids thinks it's funny to turn the stereo full blast then off and when you turn it on it busts your eardrums while they are laughing at you. Also when they tell you oh mom quick turn on the radio Coldplay is on they are lying to you.

At 10:47 AM, August 13, 2005, Blogger Carissa said...

I learned that I will never, ever again drive on I-24 east bound between the hours of 3 pm - 7pm. You will die.


At 11:59 AM, August 13, 2005, Blogger dewey said...

I learned that Undr is an ol' softie. Crazy Cat Man, ha ha!

I also learned that I am not really a robot. I (sometimes) feel human emotions. Must have emotion chip removed.

At 1:21 PM, August 13, 2005, Blogger anika said...

I don't like cats. At. All. But you are a nice boy for saving the kitten (too bad it wasn't a squirrel or a puppy or something cuter)

At 1:22 PM, August 13, 2005, Blogger gunngirl said...

Ohhh, my "Quinn" our Target found kitty, had fleas too. We picked them out. Yuck. Glad you found him a home! I'm so proud of you, you big softy!

Let's see, I learned this week that DSL is a God sent down from the heavens that has opened my computer up to endless possibilities.

Yes, I'm just not getting DSL, so stop laughing. You do know I'm unemployed, right? Anyway, I've also learned my new found love of Podcasts is quickly getting out of control.

At 1:26 PM, August 13, 2005, Blogger gunngirl said...

Anika- Kittens aren't cute? Whaaaa....? Did a cat do you wrong in the past, or you just don't like 'em and that's that?

At 2:47 PM, August 13, 2005, Blogger Stephalupogus said...

I have learned the wonders of a good lawyer, that listening to friends trying to set you up with someone "perfect for you" is a MASSIVE mistake, and to never agree to a blind date again.

At 4:55 PM, August 13, 2005, Blogger Terri said...

I learned that if I send my hubby to the video store alone he is likely to come back with a Korean war movie with English subtitles. Bridget Jones it ain't!!

At 4:58 PM, August 13, 2005, Blogger Terri said...

PS sorry I made u eat ur mailman but I bet it made a change from fried chicken!

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At 7:01 PM, August 13, 2005, Blogger Carissa said...

How's Brownie liking the cat?


At 7:14 PM, August 13, 2005, Blogger Lori said...

I have learned this week that going back to work after 3 1/2 yrs is rough and to always check your swimming pool cover for those tiny ants that you can not see before removing and putting it back on those bas***** hurt real bad when they sting you.

At 11:52 PM, August 13, 2005, Blogger Prométhiûs said...

Nice kitty...ahhh.dunt kill me,.....mummy...ahhh...

At 1:18 AM, August 14, 2005, Blogger grody jo-dee said...

might i take this opportunity to remind you that roadhouse contains a scene where the jeff healy band plays "angel eyes" live?! i thought you loved that song. (sniff sniff)

At 10:54 AM, August 14, 2005, Blogger Underachiever said...

Oh man I forgot, yeah, you're going to heaven. But Roadhouse, has to go to hell for other obvious reasons.


UnDr(What did I do? What did I say? To turn your angels eyes my way.)

PS R U sure it was Angel Eyes? because if your lying to me....oooh your going down bub.

At 10:19 PM, August 14, 2005, Blogger grody jo-dee said...

i'm pretty dang sure it was angel eye? i dunno, though, i might have to watch it again. i'm sure tnt will play 2 or 10 times this week.


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