Friday, September 30, 2005

WHWLTW?

Dear Undies:

It's time once more for WHWLTW?. This is one of the basic food groups for the soul here at the Corner. What is it? It is What Have We Learned This Week? It's nuthin' like X&Y but we can't all be perfect now, can we? Here's how it works: I tell you what I learned and you do the same. It's simple enuff, ain't it?

Here's what I learned:

1 It feels nice to hear someone tell you that they love you even if they are only joking around.

2 That Coldplay is a great band. Let me expand on this.

Wednesday September 28th I went to the Coldplay concert. It was un-friggin-real. The greatest concert evah!

This was the playlist: (I tried to remember the exact order but I was too busy dancing and singing. Sorry!

1 Square One (definitely the first one!)

2 Politik

3 Yellow(they had these huge yellow balloons fall into the crowd. When they popped they had gold glitter in them.)

4 Speed of Sound

5 X&Y

6 God put a smile upon your face

7 Trouble

8 The Scientist(AWESOME!!!)

9 Everything's not lost

10 White Shadows

11 Low

12 Till Kingdom Come (Chris Martin said this song was a tribute to Johnny Cash)

13 Ring of Fire (a Johnny Cash song.)

14 They took a break Then Chris introduced a great Georgian rock star Mr. Michael Stipe from REM to sing Nightswimming, while Chris played the piano.

15 Clocks

16 In my Place

17 Don't Panic

18 Fix You (The perfect song to end an awesome evening. Hi Anika!)

I made sure all the cardboard Cut-outs had great seats but next time, I'll rent a short bus and take y'all with me.

This is what I learned this week. What about you? Let me know, if not make it up!



Love,

Undr

PS I decided to go casual. I wore a nice white and blue striped shirt and jeans. I looked half-way decent, if I do say so myself. But I wore Leather long-johns Hee-hee! Love ya mean it!


Double PS with a pint o' beer: Have a great Weekend!

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Coldplay concert...

Dear Undies:

One Word:

ItwasawesomeI'veneverhadsomuchfunIwishyouguyswouldhavebeenthere!

Undr(hoarse)

PS Loveyameanit!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Coldplay Concert... wanna come with?

Dear Undies:

Well, in a few hours I will be attending the Coldplay concert. I wanted to say that if I could I would take all of you with me, but I am not allowed. I am, of course, taking all my bloggy blog girls cardboard cut-outs.

One song that I truly like from the X&Y CD is "Till Kingdom Come"(hidden Track). I read somewhere, or someone told me or it might have been a dream, that this song was originally written for Johnny Cash(Juany Efectivo...in spanish) Unfortunately, Mr. Cash passed away and he was never able to record it. The funny thing about it is, first time I heard this song I thought; "this sounds like it could be a Johnny Cash song." Psychic or Psycho? You decide.

Here are the lyrics.

Til Kingdom Come

Steal my heart and hold my tongue.
I feel my time, my time has come.
Let me in, unlock the door.
I've never felt this way before.



The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummer begins to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know which way I've come.



Hold my hand inside your hands,
I need someone who understands.
I need someone, someone who hears,
For you, I've waited all these years.


For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come, and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.


In your tears and in your blood,
In your fire and in your flood,
I hear you laugh, I heard you say,
"I wouldn't change a single thing."


The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummers begin to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know what I've become.



For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come,
Until my days, my days are done.
Say you'll come and set me free,


Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.



Love,


Undr

PS Thanks for your suggestions on the appropriate attire for the show. ummmm.... I think? Love ya, mean it.

Jerkwad of the Week!

Dear Undies:

Here at the corner we are all about love. Sometimes lust, but mostly love. However, every so often there comes a time when I have to take off my tie-dye shirt and declare war on idiots. Sure, sometimes they are tyrants like Saddam Hussein or Martha Stewart, but this time I DECLARE WAR on this guy. Apparently, Anika my friend(who wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole unless it had a sharp knife at the end of it.) went out with a guy that I will name Lamey McLamenheimer. This guy was a winner and by winner I mean a weiner. He didn't pay for the date. He relieved himself on a perfectly innocent fence and he commited the unthinkable. (What I'm about to say is so horrible that if you have any children send them away!) HE WORE SOCKS WITH SANDALS! What in the?

Did he not see that he had the privilege of dating the one and only Anika?

Who in their right mind would act this way in her presence?



ooh ohh! I know! Lamey McLamenhiemer, that's who!

And so Lamey, I salute you! You are the Jerkwad of the Week. Keep in mind, this will also put in the running for Jerkwad-Dipweed of the Month and if you win that one, you will be in the running for jerky Jerkwad of the Year. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Love,

Undr(Even I know better than that!)

PS I got nuthin'

Monday, September 26, 2005

Monday! Boooooo!

Dear Undies:

It's a melancholy Monday. I was thinking about Mr. Edgar Allan Poe. The happiest poet to have lived.

He wrote this:

ALONE
by Edgar Allan Poe (1830)

From childhood's hour

I have not been

As others were;

I have not seen

As others saw;

I could not bring

My passions from a common spring.

From the same source I have not taken

My sorrow; I could not awaken

My heart to joy at the same tone;

And all I loved, I loved alone.

Then- in my childhood, in the dawn

Of a most stormy life- was drawn

From every depth of good and ill

The mystery which binds me still:

From the torrent, or the fountain,

From the red cliff of the mountain,

From the sun that round me rolled

In its autumn tint of gold,

From the lightning in the sky

As it passed me flying by,

From the thunder and the storm,

And the cloud that took the form

(When the rest of Heaven was blue)

Of a demon in my view.

Ok sorry about that.

Undr

PS Ok I need more suggestions on what to wear. I've gotten some great suggestions so far, but I really don't know anyone named Ben Sherman. Oh and I forgot to mention that with my leather suit I get to wear my leather thong. Can you say Chafing! Love ya, mean it!

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Dress up with Undr

Dear Undies:

This Wednesday I will be attending a musical concert in Atlanta. It's an up-and-coming band named Coldplay. Perhaps you've heard of them. I hear they are the next "Frankie goes to Hollywood"


Anyway, I am in somewhat of a predicament. I don't exactly know what to wear to this particular type of event. That's why it's time to play dress up with Undr. What should I wear to this shindig?

I could go shirtless and with overalls. Although, I don't think it's a formal affair.

Or I can wear my leather suit, with matching hat and gloves(too sticky)

or I can just wear my gator skin chaps... and that's it. (just call me chappy)

But what do I know?


So, What should I wear? I know you have no idea what's in my closet but take a guess or for you knitters out there, start crackin'.

Love and a little nekkid,

Undr

PS Hope everyone's weekend was as wonderful as mine.(did you notice the sarcasm?) Love ya, mean it!(No sarcasm there, Honest)

Friday, September 23, 2005

WHWLTW?

Get the kids Marge! It's time for another WHWLTW?

Dear Undies:

If you have been living under a rock for the past couple of months, then you're probably asking: "What in the sam hill is WHWLTW?" Well, that is of course right after you ask "Why am I living under a rock?"

The point is WHWLTW? is none other than What Have We Learned This Week? It's like MSG but without MSG.

Here's how you play:

I tell you what I have learned in this vast wasteland called my life and you tell me what you learned in your rainbow colored, rose petal vast wasteland called your life. It's simple, really.

Therefore, here is what I learned this week.

1 I learned that there is something called Crotch Lice.(Not from experience, mind you)

2 I learned that I think of myself as the Brown Crayon but Anika thinks I'm a flamboyant Pink. (I'm soooo Confused!)

3 I learned that it is a dark day in an industry known for its godliness and purity. A certain Kate Moss has tarnished the saintly and healthy image of the Fashion World. How could you Mossy? What were you thinking? Weren't you taught that cocaine is B-A-D bad? I am so ashamed of you. Didn't you think that this could affect your 86 lbs. waifish look and make you, I dont know, and 90 lbs waif? You are throwing it all away! So Kate, for the love of Mike, stop that right now! And go back to your normal anorexic, bulimic, ecstasy ridden lifestyle we have come to appreciate and expect from you. Thank you.






Well, this is What I learned this Week, but this isn't a one-man show. So let me know, what you learned this week. Please share, mommy said it's nice to share. If not make it up.

Love,

Undr

PS thanks for your soundtrack comments. I know it was long. Especially, since the movie is only 15 minutes long.(Including Preview) Love ya mean it!

Double Scoop of PS: Have a Good Weekend everyone!!!!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

The Soundtrack

Preview:

Announcer in a deep raspy voice:

In a world...(cut! I said "in a deep raspy voice!!! Start over!)

In a world where nothing is what it seems, there is a man who rises above the rest. Some call him The Terminator. Others refer to him as Die Hard. And some may even say he is a Lord of the Rings. Unfortunately, this movie is not about this man.

Dun dun dun.




The World According to Undr the movie
Directed by Undr A. Chiever
Starring Brad Pittowski
Angelina Jolienstein(femme Fatale. Which is french for fatal fem, whatever the heck that means.)
and introducing: Gerry the one-eyed Gerbil as Brownie


It's about Undr!!!! The biggest underachiever since the single cell organism that clings to the sludge on the bottom of the goop that lives under your fridge. That's Right! It's time someone told his story. It's time someone told the truth. It's time someone shut me up.

So run or just hobble over to your nearest movie theatre/colonic health spa and watch this romantic/western/urban/teen/cheeleader/musical/soft-core anime/german health film about a boy and his dog. Only his dog was not available for the film, so a one-eyed Gerbil will play the part of Brownie.


Coming soon to a theatre near a carwash near a crackhouse near you.



Dear Undies:

It's time for the soundtrack to the aforementioned movie. I never fathomed that I would use the word "fathomed" in a sentence and how difficult it is to choose an appropriate soundtrack for my movie.

here goes:

The world according to Undr the Movie soundtrack:

Me and Julio down by the school yard- Simon & Garfunkel (reminds me of when I played on the streets in the Bronx and will play during my opening credits.)

Mrs. Robinson-Simon & Garfunkel

Piano man-Billy Joel (hey I was born in the 70's so sue me)

Take on me-AHA

Hey Jude-The Beatles

Eleanor Rigby-The Beatles

Mr. Telephone Man-New Edition (aww prepubescent love)

Teenage Dirtbag-Wheatus (it's a cool song)

In the air tonight-Phil Collins(who can resist the air drums with this song? NO ONE!)

It takes two-Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock("I like the whopper so *bleep* the Big Mac")

Creep-Radiohead

She talks to Angels-Black Crowes

Jealous again-Black Crowes

Seeing things-Black Crowes

High and dry -Radiohead

Numb-Linkin Park

Hey Jealousy-Gin Blossoms (.."we can ride around this town and let the cops chase us around..")
Good-Better than Ezra(break-up special)

Linger-Cranberries

Zombie-Cranberries

Everlong-Foo fighters( one of the greatest rock love songs)

Times like these-Foo Fighters

Far Behind-Candlebox

Black-Pearl Jam(great background song for my many heartbreaks)

Elderly Woman....-Pearl Jam

Wishlist-Pearl Jam( i wish I was the pedal brake that you depended on, I wish I was the verb "to trust" and never let you down)

Pictures of You-the Cure

Let her cry-Hootie and the Blowfish (this song makes me sad. It reminds me of the year I spent in New York while a girlfriend o' mine was down in Florida. Long distance relationships suck!!!! Never worked out by the way.)

Say it ain't so-Weezer(reminds me of dealing with my dad's alcholism. He's been sober for over a decade now!!!Yay Pop!)

Dont you (forget about me)-Simple minds(Breakfast club song. It's awesome)

'Round here-Counting Crows(great sad song)

Girls-Beastie Boys

Intergalatic-Beastie Boys("I like my sugar with coffee and cream.." )

Don't speak-No Doubt ( another break up special)

Island in the Sun-Weezer(Happy beach song)

A Praise Chorus-Jimmy Eat World (Another happy song)

Living by the moment-Lifehouse ( i lok it ahlot)

Dammit-Blink 182 (Great Break up song..."Well I guess this is growing up...")

Adam's Song-Blink 182(Depressing)

That I would be Good-Alanis Morrisette

Satellite-Dave Matthews Band

Punk Rock Girl-Dead Milkmen("You're for me punk rock girl...")

All I want is you -U2

One-U2

Sometimes You can't make it on your own-U2

With or without you-u2(so I like U2. What's it to you?)

I'll remember you-Skid Row

Wanted dead or alive-Bon Jovi(Hi GGG05)

Closing time-Semisonic(will play in my funeral scene)

I'm not ok(I promise)-My chemical Romance

Walk on the Ocean-Toad the Wet Sprocket

In your eyes-Peter Gabriel(Wasn't "Say Anything" a great movie?)

View to a kill-Duran Duran

The Promise-When in Rome ("I'm sorry but I'm just thinking of the right words to say..." )

Every breath you take-the Police

Strange Condition-Pete Yorn

Cumbersome-seven mary three

Send the pain below-Chevelle

Outside-Staind("I'm on the outside I'm looking in, I can see through you I see your true colors.."

Don't go away-Oasis

Don't look back in anger-Oasis

Wonderwall-Oasis

Hands Down-Dashboard Confessional(great song after an awesome date!)

Screaming infidelities-Dashboard Confessional (being cheated on sucks!!!)

Hint of Sharp new tears-Dashboard Confessional(this song is for the times I took the long way home to think)

Flake-Jack Johnson ( "it seems to me that maybe, pretty much always means no.." Hi Rambilina)

She has no time-Keane

Everybody's changing-Keane

Can't Stop now-Keane

Message-Coldplay ("my song is love is love unknown so I got to get my message home..")

Fix you-coldplay

The scientist-Coldplay(this song will play when the credits roll)

Ok I got to stop now because this is just disc 1. What do you think of the soundtrack? Surprised? Nostalgic? Queazy? Most of these songs remind me of people, places and feelings.

Would you like to add a few more to the list? Go 'head.

love,

Undr(nostalgic or obsessive compulsive? You decide.)

PS I linked some lyrics. I tried to do them all, but a boys gotta live, you know.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

The keys to my heart. Is that like the crowbar to my head?

Dear Undies:

I done took this quiz. I got it from the glitteriest glamest girl I know.

This is what I get for saving a damned rabbit.

Enjoy. Take this quiz, if you want.

Undr

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Aarrrrrgh! I'm all alone!

Dear Undies:

This past weekend Madam Terri, who is the source of most of my inspiration, made me reflect on my times of solitude. Let me interject that when I say" she is the source of most of my inspiration", I mean that I steal stuff from her. Anywhoo, She asked in a seductive, yet coy manner "What do you do when you're alone at home?"

So I decided to tell her, because she was so asking me. She's a stalker that way.

Here are some things that I do when I am Home Alone.

1 I sing.

2 I blog.

3 I eat weird foods. Like cheese and grape jelly sandwiches, with a side of Frosted Flakes. They're Grrrrrreat!

4 I watch dreadful t.v. Like talk shows and Access Hollywood type shows.

5 I walk around in my boxers and a tee shirt.

6 I talk to myself. (I am a great conversationalist. No you're not. Ok I'm not)

7 I wear my glasses.

8 I don't wear socks.

9 I sleep and wake up and doze off again.

10 I don't clean up after myself.

11 Then I regret it and begin the cleaning process.

12 I dance.

13. I think about dumb things. Like, what wine would go with cheese and grape jelly sandwiches with a side of frosted flakes?


These are some of the things I do when I am alone. What about you?

It could be about anything. Like, picking at scabs, picking your nose, picking at scabs in your nose or thinking of ways to make me yours. (it's just like picking a scab, it's not really worth it)

Let me know.


love,


Undr

PS I know your perverted little minds are thinking of something else I do when I'm alone. So I am going to go ahead and say it to get it out of the way. The dirty little Thing I do when I am alone is ....

I knit.

What did you think I was going to say?

Monday, September 19, 2005

BABY SHOWER TIME!!!!!!!!

Dear Undies:

It has come to my attention that the Grodiest of Grodies, madam Grody-Jo-Dee has taken some time off from her blogging to....get this!.... have a baby. Sheesh! This troubles me because I don't think that's a good excuse. But that's just me. You know, me: The guy who cried when a pea-shaped kidney stone shot out of his winky. That's right, me: the guy who doubles over in pain and curses the day he was born when a he gets a paper cut.

This sad news comes to us from our Renegade Floridian, NO-L who lives in a small little town in the backward State of Massachussetts(Motto: It's "Chowdah", You Bahstahd!) And I believe her because she is a pathological liar. A well dressed, pathological liar.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that Jodee will be missed and that I wish her well on the birth of her baby. I am also happy to announce that the child who has been diagnosed to be a boy will be named after me. (She told me so!) Undrini Jodee Jr. I. Am. So. Proud. (He might be mine but I can't tell, because I never actually met her.)

Therefore, I am obligated by the rules made up by me, that I throw her an imaginary Baby Shower. So saddle up, break out the ice cream and wear you favorite maternity wear attire, because we'sa havin' a baby showah!!!!!!!

Yahoo!!

Ok, I have never thrown a baby shower but I know that gifts are involved. So just tell me what gift you will bring to our Non-alchoholic pre-poppin-a-kid-out-of-your-christian-parts-partay- party 2005.(Motto: We hope he don't have a big head!!!)


I will, of course, provide a lot of diapers. Mostly, "the Depends" I've have out grown. A 80 inch plasma screen T.V. for her husband Bubba, because ,as we all know, he is the one whose doing all the real work. And I will also, in a very self-sacrificing manner, provide the entertainment by doing a striptease. Oh yeah! I will be wearing a diaper, a baby bonnet, a bib, and have a pacifier in my mouth. Can you say SEXY!!!! Hey, anything for my child bearing friend.

So tell me what you are bringing to this here shindig. And remember there is always a cover charge. (1% of the proceeds will go to Undrini jr's public high school fund)

"It's a baby show-er, a crazy baby show-er. It's a baby show-er, a crazy baby show-er!"
(sung to the tune of the conga song!)

Undr( I throw the best baby showers!)

PS Don't bring no crappy gifts. That's My Job!!!!

Sunday, September 18, 2005

All gussied up...

Dear Undies:

"I know it's late, I know you're weary, I know your plans don't include me...."

I just got back from the Fabulous Fox Theatre in Atlanta. I saw the Phantom of the Opera. (yes I know I was the only person left in the world and other intergalatic solar systems that had yet to see this stinkin' play.) I thought it was great. If you don't remember the play, let me give you a synopsis. It's about this Phantom Guy and he's in this Opera. Oh yeah and a bunch of stuff happens and people sing. Ah yes, good times, good times. I haven't been to the TheeAter for a while. Last time was my second grade play. It was about a forest and some other stuff. I wasn't in the actual play. I was just a stagehand. My teacher/director said I couldn't play a believable shrub. Jerk.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I got all gussied up for the play. I originally intended to wear my sky blue ruffled tuxedo but the moths got to it. Therefore I decided to wear this get-up:







Now, I'm sure you're thinking, "ewww gross" but under that tie and suit and girdle is a powerhouse of a man. Don't be fooled by the apparent flab, there is muscles in them thar man-boobs. Normally, I would not pick an orangey ensemble but I decided what the Heck if Osh Kosh B'gosh makes 'em; then by golly I'll wear 'em. I'm so glad Osh Kosh has a husky section now. It'll be so sweet when Fat Gap opens in 2007. Sweet, I tell you!

Actually the point of my post should be here somewhere. If you find it let me know.

Love and all that mushy stuff,


undR(The apparel worn by our host was furnished by Dickeys, the Goodwill Selection)

PS does this match? Not that it matters NOW. (And Shippy, just say it! "MOCHEESEMO")

Saturday, September 17, 2005

WHWLTW? Talk about overkill.....



Dear Undies:

The moon is full tonight and my only question is: are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yes! that's right Pinky, it's time for yet another WHWLTW?

What pray tell is that? Well I'sa gonna tell ya. It is a 90 year tradition here at the Underachiever' Corner and Barbecue Shack. It stands for What Have We Learned This Week? It's not as cool as B.Y.O.B. but the hangover is much more painful...

How does this crap work? Well, it's quite simple, if you ask me. I tell you the poop that I learned this week and you do the same.

Without further a-doo-doo here is moi's lessons o' the week.

1 The full moon was perfect in the dark september sky. However, when you are in awe make sure you don't run off the road and almost crash into a ditch.(Whew Close one!)

2 I just got a promotion at the Boiled Peanut Stand (Population: 1) My boss told me that my job is so important to the company that if everyone died I would be in charge. (It's a promotion if I SAY it's a promotion!!!! Whoo-hoo!!!!!)

3 I also learned that Britney Spears Has decided to sell her newly born baby's pictures to the highest Tabloid bidder. Ok can you say she is the Queen of all that is trashy? Cuz I sho' can!!

4 And finally that I can't please Shippy the Shipkicking Shipkicker. She dogged my Kelly Clarkson Celebrity Crush and now she is trashing my newly voted celebrity crush: Joss Stone. This is what she said:

"oh no. undi, i think we have another problem. joss stone? the barefooted singing girl with a mans voice that everyone raves about but is so overrated who does a hack job on that white stripes song...? why cant you develop a nice crush on one of those cute, also v. young but at least legal, anorexic olson girls? at least they have good fashion sense. what am i going to do with you?"

Ok this is how I initially respond:

Pbbbltttt!!!!! (blowing a raspberry!!!)

and then I proceed to say:

"I appreciate your comment Shipster, but I have to say that in my defense that I had no idea she's only 17(cue Winger...) and I agree with the white stripes song cover, but for you to say that I should actually like the Olsen Twins is an abomination. I.HATE.THE.OLSEN.TWINS!!!!! I have had this aversion to them since they were on the Melodrama "Full House". I wish this never came out because now most of you will hate me but I think they look like the double mint twins if the double mint twins fell into a meat grinder. Therefore Shippy McShip, I will try to find another crush, because I am eager to please, but never, never and I repeat again NEVER mention those two skinny billion dollar bit.... wait..... They are how rich? oh in that case, I.LOVE.THE.OLSEN.TWINS!!!!!!!"


Well this is what learned me this week. Whatsamatta fo' joo? What is your weekly lesson?




Love and junk,

Undr

PS Thanks for commenting on my I remember post. I enjoyed all your memories. Love ya, mean it!


Double PS with an olive: The soundtrack post is coming soon. Have a good weekend!!!!!


Triple PS with a side of lard: TBIT for JO-dee: I won't elaborate too much because i might post it later. But my first kiss was at a GNC store in Orlando, FL. I had just gotten my license and I drove to my first love's job She was alone and behind the counter. We were talking all mushy and stuff, we both leaned over the counter and smoocherinis. I still get butterflies just thinking about it. *


*Technically it wasn't my first one. First kiss was with my cousin, so it didn't count. He never called me after that.(totally just kidding!!!!!)

Thursday, September 15, 2005

I remember...

I got this idea from the Shipkicker and Jen-nae. I thought it was cool. Once I started writing I couldn't stop but then I did and then I started up again, then I stopped and then I started and then I finished. It may not have been worth the effort.

But here it goes:



I remember when in New York on Hot summer days the fire department would open up fire hydrants and let the kids play in the water. No matter where we were, our neighborhood or not, my dad would let us get drenched.

I remember while in school I wishedI would win tickets to a Yankee baseball game they were giving away. I won.

I remember walking to school in the Bronx.

I remember being a loud mouth smartass in middle school. My rebellious years.

I remember moving to Florida and becoming a shy quiet kid. (Which I'm sure made me the student most likely to become the unabomber)

I remember how painful it is to love when its unrequited.

I remember how at times I've wondered whether it was worth it. It was.

I remember feeling the air leave my lungs as I found out my girlfriend cheated on me.

I remember blaming myself.

I remember getting over it.

I remember not being so numb.

I remember saying some mean things to my sister and how I hated myself for making her cry.

I remember going to a river in Allentown, PA where we would spend hours swimming.

I remember how I loved to play baseball outside my apartment building.

I remember how I loved getting those Scholastic Book Fair flyers. I would never buy a book, but I thought they were cool.

I remember when days lasted forever and summers were eternal.

I remember discovering music and letting it play in the background of my life.

I remember how I felt on the first day of school. Every fall, I feel the urge to buy number 2 pencils and a backpack.

I remember selling chocolate to try to win some cheesy prize. (I never sold one, I just had my dad give me the money. Oh and by the way I never won the cheesy prize.)

I remember not blogging about stuff

I remember how too many insignificant things mattered.

I remember the day I realized those things were not worth it.

I remember being happy and then sad and then happy again.

I remember when this post had a point......


I sho' do remembah a lot of things don't I?

Thanks for "listening"


Undr(Strolling down memory lane or getting hit with a truck on memory street? You decide)

PS If you want to share things that you remember, feel free. Make yourself at home.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

I'm What?

Let me take this opportunity to thank the LATE students who commented on the Roll call. You know who you are. A+++ for all because I'm a big cuddly softy.
Dear Undies:
Because you have proven yourselves great students it's time for a little recess. Have a some fun with this.
What does your name mean? I done stolded this from my South African/Irish dog show dog fluffer Friend Terri.
Let me know what your name means. Here is mine.

My real name.... Stimerico "Stimey" Stimeyson
Handsome, cheerful one : Irish

There is no doubt that with your great self-belief and powerful personality you are meant for positions of leadership. Others find you inspiring and you seem to attract success and good fortune easily. You have a strong mind and clear thinking giving you the ability to make quick decisions and take calculated risks. Being prepared to take one step at a time means you will be assured of achieving all your objectives.




hmm.... I didn't know i was a handsome Irish man, and a cheerful one at that. I am your leader, now go get me some coffee!

Here's what I got for uNdr


Undr

You are charming, talented and have a very positive attitude to life so it is hardly surprising that you attract success and recognition. Focussed and patient you understand that material rewards are a result of discipline. Being so creative and with a need for self-expression you may be drawn towards the arts, travel is also likely to be important. A loyal friend, you are a person who must be allowed freedom and independence.
wow I am an artsy-fartsy friendly patient travel agent. That's like magic or sumthin'
and this is what I got for Goober:
Goober

You have enormous vitality and originality making you a dynamic individual with great charm and sex appeal. You believe in putting one hundred per cent into all your activities of which there are many. You have potential to achieve great success in business or public affairs where your friendship and consideration of others wins you many allies. Your innate strength and determined effort is able to overcome any obstacles. Freedom is important to you.
Ok now I know there's something wrong. How can someone named Goober have sex appeal?
This here be my entries. What are yours?
Love,
UNDr
PS I wish they would tell the truth. Like if your name is dinglebart. It should say:
Dinglebart
You are a disgrace to mankind. If you were on fire no one should pee on you. You are an ingrown hair in the armpit of humanity.
However this is what it actually says:

Dinglebart
Your natural charisma and charm makes you an influential figure able to inspire confidence in others. Material abundance and emotional contentment are seemingly drawn to you and satisfy your dreams of success. However being humanitarian you find that applying your talents and creative prowess to a worthwhile purpose is far more satisfying than material gain. Your courage, adaptability and determination overcome any obstacles
Give me a friggin' break!!!!
Double PS with a pinch of oregano: Don't forget your poll suggestions. I would 'preciate it.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Joss Stone is the weiner..erm winner!!!


Note: thanks for your grade school stories, I can't believe the overwhelming response to the roll call. You all get a passing grade: A+++++++ and a gold star, except for Dewey who beat the crap out of me and went smoking. Which is weird because school was already out. Oh well, she is still a cute little heathen dontcha think? Anyways, thankyouverystinkinmuch.
Now, to my nonsensical entry:
Dear Undies,

After millions of votes my new celebrity crush is:

JOSS STONE

Thanks for voting on"Undr's Disregarded Poll of Disregarded Topics". But now, it's time to change my poll question. Of course, I have the creativity of a tree stump, so I need your help.

What should my next poll question be?

Let me know.

The winner will receive an autographed picture of Brad Pitt who, by the way, will play me in the movie of my life. No not thee Brad Pitt. It's Bradlevish Pittowski Poland's greatest actor and plumber. But hey, it might be worth something one day.

Email me, if you want to be anonymous or just drop me a line in the comments section. Just send me your poley poll questions and I will choose. If not, I will cry. Now, who would want to see little ol' me cry? I know, I know Dewey would.

Love,

Undr(I love me some Joss Stone)

PS To whoever voted for Whoopie Goldberg: That was not nice. Shame, Shame on you! Whoever put Anika as a celebrity crush candidate, should know that she is already a celebrity crush o' mine along with the other blog girls. So, there!

Monday, September 12, 2005

Roll Call

Dear Undies:

May I have your attention please? Summer is over. It's time for School to begin. Please make sure you say "Present" when I call your name. That's right it's time for the Roll call.

Is Linda here? Uh yeah. Would you please not eat those beads. They are not rock candy.

Lori? Are you chewing gum? No? Just Chewing tabacco. Well that's ok. Just don't spit it in your sister's hair. By the way, what is the lawn chair for?

Carissa: Why are you talking like that? I can't understand Pig Latin. Oh and please make sure you keep your chickens in the car. They frighten me.

NO-L: Yeah I know you will be president and all but this classroom is not BYOB. That's what lunchtime is for.

Grody Jo-dee Thanks for bringing me the mountain dew looking liquid in the orange container. And no you cannot sit with NO-L.

Glitter Glam Girl: Is that Def Leppard in your backpack? Well, make sure they don't disrupt the class. No Guitar solos allowed.

Dewey: Do you mind not snarling? It's scaring me. You cute little snarler you.

Anika: NO we will not be going camping on our next field trip. Hey, why are you giving me a fish tank cleaner?

Terri: Sit next to Dewey I'm sure you'll get along. And put away that gun.

J2: Just because you are my siamese fraternal twin that was born 3 years after me, doesn't mean you are going to get any preferential treatment. BTW, Is your steak ok? May I get you some more Perrier?

Gunngirl: I see you have a signed letter excusing you from P.E. Hmm... I didn't know your mom was named Buff Y. Vampirslayer. Is that Ukranian?

Just a mom: Soon you will be a foreign exchange student in UAE but please try to behave. And stop flashing those things. You'll poke someone's eye out!

Jen-Nae Please be sure to keep an eye on Shipkicker and Hootie Pootie, they look like trouble.


and the rest of you, welcome to my class.


Here is your assignment. Best grade school memory. Like the time you peed your pants and no one found out. Or the time you played simon says and you were not the first one to lose. You were the second one. Or even the time when you ran so fast that your cordouroy pants actually caught on fire. Yup those were the good ol' days. So let me know your grade school memories. If not make it up, I wont check I promise.

From your educator with love,


Mr. Undr(you can call me "ma'am")

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Let us remember....

September 11, 2001.


Love,

Me

PS At the same token our fellow blogger Glitter Glam Girl is a little sad this weekend. Her aunt passed away two years ago on September 10th. Let's keep her in our thoughts and send her our love. I dedicate "tears in heaven" by Eric Clapton.

Friday, September 09, 2005

WHWLTW? Oh no, not again!!!!

Dear Undies:

I would like to say that I appreciate the overwhelming response I got to the drinks post. Initially, I was embarrassed to see that I have a very little knowledge of alcohol consumption. Nevertheless, I will embark my journey to alcohol enlightenment real soon. I will try the Long Island Iced Tea, and move down the list. I'm sure it's cool to be in a bar with a long computer print out of drinks that you provided for me. Again, I say thank you. ("Ring" Um.. Excuse me let me get that....Oh it was just AA, they wanted me to make an early reservation. I wonder why?)


Well, enough of that stuff. It's the moment you've been waiting for. It's time for WHWLTW? "What in tarnation is that?" you ask. Well, it stands for What HAve We Learned This Week? It's like N.W.A but without the attitude. "How does it work?" you annoyingly ask. Well, it's quite simple. I tell you what I learned and you tell me what you learned. So let's get ready to rumble!!!!

This is what I learned this week:

1 Drinking a 4 pills of a product called "Colon Cleanse" is not a good thing.(I thought they were something else)

2 Making a soundtrack for a movie that they'll never make of you is hard. (But, I'm still trying. Just give me some time.)


3 People take showers differently that me. For example(this is a long one folks.) NO-L has an interesting ritual and she asked me personally(yeah right!) to explain my bathing habits. So here it goes.

(Groggily I enter tub and sniff the bar of Soap and it wakes me up just like in the commercials!)
  1. I put shampoo on my dry hair.
  2. Turn water on while in tub.
  3. Stand as far away from the water as I can until it is the right temperature; Boil.
  4. Stick my head into the water stream and then begin the lather process.
  5. Proceed to apply face wash while the Shampoo has time to clean my hair and kill any creatures.
  6. Leave shampoo and face wash stuff on face as I begin the lathering of my beautiful ogre-like body.
  7. I use a loofah(actually it's a rusty Brillo Pad) and begin the body cleansing.
  8. Once I have efficiently removed two layers of skin. I begin the rinsing.
  9. After rinse I do a check behind the ears and make sure I'm squeaky clean.
  10. I turn off water and commence the drying.
  11. After I am completely dry(with the exception of my back. I don't know why I do this.) I step out of tub and brush my teefs and apply smelly stuff to my body.
  12. I wrap towel around my waist and walk out.
  13. I used to walk out naked but the Truck Stop personnel complained.


And this is how I shower. Now, if you want a transcript or the homevideo I made of this process, please be sure to email me and I will send the cops right over, you perv. Then I will send you the video, because I'm flattered in a sick way.


Yessiree Bob!!! These are some of the lessons o' the week.

What have you learned? Let me know, if not make it up. And don't forget to do NO-L's assignment. She knows where you live.

Love,

Undr("Zestfully clean, Zestfully clean, your not fully clean until your Zestfully Clean")


PS: For Grodee-Jody TBIT: I had a terrible pain in my abdomen. The doctors thought it might be kidney stones. However, just to make sure they wanted to check my prostate. How do they check the prostate? Well, let me put it to you this way. They tell you to bend over and insert a finger in your...... Need I say more? But the funny thing was that as I was preparing for this humiliating test, in walks another doctor, a woman, my neighbor and proceeds to put the rubber glove on and well, you know the rest. To make matters worse, she utters the words that no man wants to hear: "Stop Clenching!" I was a wee lad of 19 and my butt was de-virginized by my neighbor.

I had to see this woman for the next 6 years while she lived next door to me. Never once looking her straight in the eye.

Well, Jo-Dee, Thanks for the memories.!!!

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Two Shirley Temples with extra umbrellas please!

Dear Undies:

I was talking to my friend Dewey the other day and my drinking habits came into question. (Now, when I say, "talking" I'm referring to a conversation I had with a cardboard cut-out of her at my blog tea party. Don't get jealous, all of my blogger girls cardboardard cutouts. There were crumpets and we had on our best Sunday dresses. You should have seen Brownie and my sock puppet Sebembo they were soooo cute. But I digress.)

Anyway, I realized in this mono-cardboard-conversation that first off, Canadians can hold theliquorour and that I don't know much about drinkage. This might be because most of my drinking consists of O'Douls non-alcoholic beer whose motto is: You'll get a buzz after the 72nd case, and my uncomfortable addiction to "Shirley Temples" (I love those things.)


Now, now, don't think I can't drink with the big boys (amish school girls) because I can. I have had a wine cooler or two back in my day. Not to mention my fair share of tequila and my personal favorite Jack and Coke. But now I want to expand my horizons. I want to feel the burn of other drinks that will make me pass out after my first sip.

That is why, my little drinking buddies, I ask for you suggestions. What drinks should your Uncle Undr try?

Remember, because of my drinking ignorance I would appreciate if you told me if the drinks are manly, womanly or gayish. That way, when I'm at my favorite Biker Bar, The Spit and Cuss Bar and Nail Salon, I won't get beat up for ordering a Care Bear Martini Surprise. By the way if you're wondering, the Spit and Cuss's motto is : We'll give you a pedicure but we don't hafta like it.

So why don't ya'll indulge me. Let me know what drinks are out there. At this moment my Mom...erm... Landlady says I should try a cyanide spritzer. I don't know if they sell those here, but oh well let me know.

Love,

Undr(*hiccup*)


PS Thanks for your comments, suggestions and your subliminal love messages. Oh yeah, I can read you like a book.

Double PS with a side of bacon: I am working on a soundtrack. It aint gonna be easy. I have 200 hours of music for a 15 minute documentary on my life. Oh the editing horror!!!!





Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Today I......

Dear Undies:

Today I....

Thought about what songs would be on the soundtrack of the movie about my life.
Thought about what song lyrics I would post on the last blog I ever write.
Thought about how cool it would be to air ballet.(it's like air guitar but different)
Thought about a post it note with a phone number that I will never call.
Thought about past mistakes and let them haunt me for a bit.
Thought about things I should have said to someone that chewed me out.
Thought this might be the beginning of the end.
Thought, "hey! I should post these stupid ideas."



Let me know what ran across the slippery hallway of your mind.

Undr(pensive or goofball? you decide.)


PS Bob"Gilligan"Denver died. So long, little buddy.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Number 102: The Basketball Diaries

Thanks for you comments on WHWLTW? and your congrats on my 101st post.


Dear Undies:

I'm back after a one day mini-vacation. This Labor day weekend, (Labour Day in Canada)
I spent my time on the basketball court. (Stop laughing funny guy! I did so play B-ball this weekend. ) Now, as some of you remember, giving me a basketball is like giving a blind epileptic monkey a machine gun. Nothing good can come from it. Yet, the friends that I was staying with begged me to play. I figure they needed a laugh after a full week of tragedy, with the H-cane and all.
So, as a patriotic samoan, I decided to go along with it.

Now most of my regular readers are girls. The sugar and spice and everything nice kind. Which means, you wouldn't know what a basketball was, unless it was made into a purse or some kind of "heelsy" footwear.(Just Kidding feminist, just kidding)

Therefore, I am taking this opportunity to teach you about basketball. Now, most experts concur that concur is a good word to use when trying to make a point. They also concur that basketball can be divided in two. Basketball is 50% actual basketball skill and 65% trash-talk(I ain't good with maff.)

That's right, trash-talking is a fundamental element of basketball. Therefore, you wonderful athletic purse-buyer, you, I will take it upon myself to teach you in the ways of trash-talking.
For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about: Trash talking is the art of talking smack ie: insulting and belittling your opponent and sometimes your fellow teammates. To effectively talk trash you don't even have to play. You can be sitting on the bench awaiting the skilled players to get so hurt(dead) that they allow you to play.

You can say things like this:

"Your momma looks like a dehydrated waterbuffalo on crack."(Notice how elegantly the words come together in a well-executed insult)

or you can say:

"You dribble like you have an inflamed prostate"(For woman, it could be a fallopian tube or what not)

and who can argue with this one:

"Hey baby, what's your sign?"(Uh, that's a pick-up line. That might not work, but you get the picture)

Now that you are an effective trash-talking fool, let me see you try. Give me your best trash talk.

Oh, you call that trash talking? You trash talk like a mute nun!!!!OOOOH I got you there!


Please share you trash talking with me. Remember this is a family show, so remember to cuss, cuss, cuss.(Just kidding)

Love,


Undr(You call that a jump shot!!!!)

How Am I'm feeling? Sore
What am I listening to? Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead(ooooooh, I'm SO Live Journal)

Saturday, September 03, 2005

WHWLTW? Yeah, you're gonna have to stop...

Dear Undies:

It is time once again for "WHWLTW?". "What pray tell is this?" you ask. Well, it stands for What Have We Learned This Week? Its an institution here at the Underachiever's Corner and Deli. It's like L.S.D. but with no cool hallucinations. Here's how it works: I tell you what I learned and you tell me what you learned. It's like I'll show you mine, if you show me yours. Except one of us (you) will not be disappointed.

Anywhooooo, this week I learned:

1 That a World Power is as vulnerable as a roach on the stage at a River Dance show.

2 Bee stings on the neck hurt like a mother.

3 Bee stings on the neck can make interesting "hickey" stories.

4 Jordache jeans are trying to make a comeback. Right after penny loafers, coulottes and stirrup pants.

5 When you want your genitals chomped down by the very best... Try Rapex!

This is what I done learnt this here week. How's bout you?

Let me know. I 'preciate it. Have a nice weekend everyone. (I may be gone for a few days, so just comment the hell out of this post and I might get you a nice souvenir)

Love,



Undr A. Chiever(Can I get a wot-wot?)

PS I am happy to report that our friend and fellow blogstalker Linda is doing fine. She was able to protect her family from the Hurricane with a wall of beads she created before it hit her hometown.

Seriously, Linda we are glad you and your family are fine. We hope to talk to ya soon.


Double PS: Please help the victims of this catastrophe by donating to a reputable charity. Thank you.

Triple PS: by the way this is my 101st post. Whoop-dee-freakin'-doo. Thanks for your comments and the love. Ok maybe it's just lust, but I'll take it anyway. Love ya, mean it!!!

Thursday, September 01, 2005

I know what you did last summer. Uh.. Actually I don't.

Dear Undies:

Today was a rough day. I should have called in sick but being that I am the only employee in the Boiled Peanut Stand, I decided to show up.
To make matters worse, a bee stung the living crap out of my neck. Damn you bee!!(I'll call him Opie. Damn you Opie!!!). I was driving around when out of nowhere, I felt pain. Painful Pain. I mean. really, really Painful Pain.( Adjectives, who needs 'em) It hurt like a mother. I decided to officially make this the worse pain ever. Nothing could compare to this pain. Well childbirth might be a good runner up, but I think this is worse.

Anyway, I really didn't want to talk about that too much, because, it's stupid. What I really want to ask you is, What is you favorite summer memory?

You know like the time you and Billy McGorgenstein, made out behind the barn. Only to find out that he was a 42 year-old short guy. Or the summer you robbed that convenience store with a smelly pair of underwear. Or the time you ran away and joined the circus, but the freaks sent you home, because you were just too wierd. And who can forget the time you became a boiled peanut salesman, were expelled from your town and got pelted with rotten cheese puffs... or was that just me?

Aaaah! The memories...

Here is one of my many memorable summers:

As some of you know, I lived in a rough neighborhood in New York City. I mean we would literally just mug ourselves. You know, "eliminate the middle man". Anyway, it was summer I was 9 years old and my dad says to me and my sister Mofeefa, "We're going to Disney World"
To me this was a dream come true. Being surrounded by those mean streets can make you somewhat of a mean person. I know had I not gone to Disney World, I would be involved in some white-collar crime at this moment. Such as stealing paper clips and making personal phone calls from the office telephone. I know, I hate to even think about it.

Anyway, when my dad told us that we would go to Mickey Land I wet my pants. This of course was not a result of happiness but mainly a weak bladder. But I digress.

So we went to Disney World in sunny Orlando, FL. We had such a blast. We did all the touristy stuff like steal towels and ashtrays from hotel rooms. Ahh those were the days. Unfortunately, two bad things happened on this trip: 1) I almost drowned at the Days Inn pool and as a result, I got grounded. You know, for almost dying. (Good ol' sympathetic dad.)

And 2) The embarassing outfit my dad picked out for me the day we were going to have breakfast with Mickey and Friends. Which for those of you who don't know, is breakfast with a bunch of unemployed actors, who make funny faces and flick you off indefinitely behind their character's masks.

Anyway, back to my outfit:


My dad lovingly and stupidly chose as my breakfast attire, a yellow "Mickey Mouse" T-shirt with, get this, golden shorts and matching yellow socks. I looked like a short Roller Disco guy. Seriously, I looked like a wannabe Solid Gold Dancer. Upon a thorough search, I found pictures of this catastrophe. While examining these pictures in pure humiliation, I realized that I had a male camel toe thing going too. I was a nine year old chubby kid with a camel toe for crying out loud!!!!(In my defense, it was not as bad as this guy*. I mean, I showed some indication that I was an actual boy.) Nevertheless, I am so glad that I really wasn't aware of this atrocity at the time. It would have truly messed me up.



Other than that, this was an awesome trip. But I'll tell you one thing, it sure explains why I always have to dance...


Now tell me your memorable summer story. I would appreciate it. You can drop by and leave it in the comments section like a steamy diaper or you can post it on your blog. Either way let me know.

Undr("Summer lovin' had me a blast...")


PS I had a camel toe people!!!!!!

*via ftit

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