Monday, September 05, 2005

Number 102: The Basketball Diaries

Thanks for you comments on WHWLTW? and your congrats on my 101st post.

Dear Undies:

I'm back after a one day mini-vacation. This Labor day weekend, (Labour Day in Canada)
I spent my time on the basketball court. (Stop laughing funny guy! I did so play B-ball this weekend. ) Now, as some of you remember, giving me a basketball is like giving a blind epileptic monkey a machine gun. Nothing good can come from it. Yet, the friends that I was staying with begged me to play. I figure they needed a laugh after a full week of tragedy, with the H-cane and all.
So, as a patriotic samoan, I decided to go along with it.

Now most of my regular readers are girls. The sugar and spice and everything nice kind. Which means, you wouldn't know what a basketball was, unless it was made into a purse or some kind of "heelsy" footwear.(Just Kidding feminist, just kidding)

Therefore, I am taking this opportunity to teach you about basketball. Now, most experts concur that concur is a good word to use when trying to make a point. They also concur that basketball can be divided in two. Basketball is 50% actual basketball skill and 65% trash-talk(I ain't good with maff.)

That's right, trash-talking is a fundamental element of basketball. Therefore, you wonderful athletic purse-buyer, you, I will take it upon myself to teach you in the ways of trash-talking.
For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about: Trash talking is the art of talking smack ie: insulting and belittling your opponent and sometimes your fellow teammates. To effectively talk trash you don't even have to play. You can be sitting on the bench awaiting the skilled players to get so hurt(dead) that they allow you to play.

You can say things like this:

"Your momma looks like a dehydrated waterbuffalo on crack."(Notice how elegantly the words come together in a well-executed insult)

or you can say:

"You dribble like you have an inflamed prostate"(For woman, it could be a fallopian tube or what not)

and who can argue with this one:

"Hey baby, what's your sign?"(Uh, that's a pick-up line. That might not work, but you get the picture)

Now that you are an effective trash-talking fool, let me see you try. Give me your best trash talk.

Oh, you call that trash talking? You trash talk like a mute nun!!!!OOOOH I got you there!

Please share you trash talking with me. Remember this is a family show, so remember to cuss, cuss, cuss.(Just kidding)


Undr(You call that a jump shot!!!!)

How Am I'm feeling? Sore
What am I listening to? Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead(ooooooh, I'm SO Live Journal)


At 7:59 PM, September 05, 2005, Blogger Tinkerbell said...

You have a very interesting take on basketball. I like it :)

At 8:00 PM, September 05, 2005, Blogger No-L said...

Something on your site keeps locking my computer up???

Don't make me start trash talking you, I will win!!! ;)

At 8:06 PM, September 05, 2005, Blogger Underachiever said...


I triple dog dare you!!!!

UNdr(now you have to. It's the Law!!!)

PS I had a little dancing guy. I removed him, for your viewing pleasure.

At 9:36 PM, September 05, 2005, Blogger shipkicker said...

would you like me to seduce you? is that what youre trying to tell me?

this is myyy version of trash talk. i find it leads to a much more interesting outcome then, say, your traditional kind. feel free to give it a try.

At 10:10 PM, September 05, 2005, Blogger Underachiever said...

um shippy? I play with big burly men. Although, tempting, your suggestion would not go over well with Bubba, my basketball playing friend.

This however, confirms that canadians are too damn nice.

Undr(Canadian Trash Talk: Excuse me do you mind if I score, no? well thank you)

At 6:28 AM, September 06, 2005, Blogger Terri said...

"You're like poetry in motion, only you don't rhyme."

Nah, that's lame.

"You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny"?

Nah, that's just mean. And probably more effective on girls, not Big Bad Basketballers called Bubba.

Hm, will have to think about this one some more.

At 12:42 PM, September 06, 2005, Blogger ramblin' girl said...

I am truly offended that you think girls don't know basketball...

"I can make ten times more 3-pointers than you can free throws, Mr. Airball."

rg (used to love trash talking on the court, but is really rusty now)

At 2:37 AM, September 07, 2005, Blogger Underachiever said...


How did you know Bubba was ugly and his mom dressed him funny?


You know I was kidding about that. I have been outplayed by many a girl on the court. I give proper respect to these women. (grumble!)

Undr(Mr. Airball)


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