Thursday, September 08, 2005

Two Shirley Temples with extra umbrellas please!

Dear Undies:

I was talking to my friend Dewey the other day and my drinking habits came into question. (Now, when I say, "talking" I'm referring to a conversation I had with a cardboard cut-out of her at my blog tea party. Don't get jealous, all of my blogger girls cardboardard cutouts. There were crumpets and we had on our best Sunday dresses. You should have seen Brownie and my sock puppet Sebembo they were soooo cute. But I digress.)

Anyway, I realized in this mono-cardboard-conversation that first off, Canadians can hold theliquorour and that I don't know much about drinkage. This might be because most of my drinking consists of O'Douls non-alcoholic beer whose motto is: You'll get a buzz after the 72nd case, and my uncomfortable addiction to "Shirley Temples" (I love those things.)

Now, now, don't think I can't drink with the big boys (amish school girls) because I can. I have had a wine cooler or two back in my day. Not to mention my fair share of tequila and my personal favorite Jack and Coke. But now I want to expand my horizons. I want to feel the burn of other drinks that will make me pass out after my first sip.

That is why, my little drinking buddies, I ask for you suggestions. What drinks should your Uncle Undr try?

Remember, because of my drinking ignorance I would appreciate if you told me if the drinks are manly, womanly or gayish. That way, when I'm at my favorite Biker Bar, The Spit and Cuss Bar and Nail Salon, I won't get beat up for ordering a Care Bear Martini Surprise. By the way if you're wondering, the Spit and Cuss's motto is : We'll give you a pedicure but we don't hafta like it.

So why don't ya'll indulge me. Let me know what drinks are out there. At this moment my Mom...erm... Landlady says I should try a cyanide spritzer. I don't know if they sell those here, but oh well let me know.



PS Thanks for your comments, suggestions and your subliminal love messages. Oh yeah, I can read you like a book.

Double PS with a side of bacon: I am working on a soundtrack. It aint gonna be easy. I have 200 hours of music for a 15 minute documentary on my life. Oh the editing horror!!!!


At 2:54 AM, September 08, 2005, Blogger grody jo-dee said...

here are my recommendations--

if you want a cinnamon, good-tasting shot, go gold schlager. rating--fairly manly, will definitely put you undr the table

if you want to attract the ladies and seem sort of sophisticated, go a lemon drop martini or a vodka collins. both are slightly tart and refreshing.
rating--womanly, but not too girly. more on the big dyke side of womanly.

if you want to be a featherweight drinker (hello! o'douls), go amaretto sour. they taste pretty good and don't pack a lot of punch. and no, to the f'ed-up south--they do NOT contain orange juice!
rating--gay and proud of it. well, maybe not as gay as a shirley temple, but close.

At 12:48 PM, September 08, 2005, Blogger j2 said...

i love amaretto sours. don't order them much because they def. don't pack a punch but they are tasty delicious.

apple martini-totally gay. very good though, you can down them quickly, then you'll be down for the count.

crown royal on the rocks or crown and ginger ale- totally unisex. most men i know love crown. crown is my favorite.

L.I.T. (long island iced tea)- this baby will get you wasted in a short time (considering your tolerance). i've always considered it a trashy drink (but i love it). it's the kind of drink that says "i'm looking to get wasted tonight". i have actually gone to the bar and only had one and sipped on it for about an hour and maintained a buzz. it's a pretty unisex drink. mostly girls drink it but black men love this drink the most i think.

beer- i love all kinds of beer, especially micro-brews and imports. i leave busch and miller lite beer drinking to my folks.

margarita- you can never go wrong. guy, girl, whatever, a margarita says you are seriously maxin & relaxin. don't waste a serious topshelf tequila (ie: don julio, patron) in a margy...use your regular old jose cuervo gold, 1800, etc.

wine coolers, zima, bacardi silver shit- so totally gay and lame you wouldn't catch me dead with one in my hand. not too mention i'd rather taste my own throw up than sip on one of these plastic-candy-syrup thingys.


p.s. if you order these at the bar, go with a "call" liquor not "well". well is cheap cheap cheap and you only want to drink this kind of liquor when you are poor poor poor. it'll give you serious headaches and stomach problems not to mention some of it isn't even real liqour. most well tequila isn't even tequila. justsoyaknow. an example of call vodka would be absolut or stoli. an example of call whiskey would be jim beam or jack daniels.

p.p.s. i left out shooters but that's a whole 'nother thing.
B-52s, mind erasers, red headed sluts...

At 12:52 PM, September 08, 2005, Blogger j2 said...

i don't drink all that much, it just looks like i do. i've just had many years of experience and i used to work in a bar. my parents owned one for 20 years too, so i'm pretty familiar.

At 1:32 PM, September 08, 2005, Blogger Terri said...

'Fraid I'm strictly a Gin & Tonic girl. Rating: dangerously close to implying "I'm a lush" but it's not sweet so can drink it all night. It's okay for a guy to drink on a hot day or if you're in Africa, but NEVER if you're in a round as it's normally much more expensive than the usual pint of beer and your mates are likely to ask if you're having a sex-change.

If you're feelin multi-cultural I recommend a shot called the Springbok (it's almost the national drink of South Africa) consisting of 2/3 Creme de Menthe (sp?) liqueur, topped with Amarula poured v carefully on top so they stay separate. (Baileys Irish Cream makes a good substitute for Amarula if u can't get it there)
NOTE: USE A SHOT GLASS & drink it all in one go - tastes like ice-cream but with a kick.
Russians have a similar drink using tomato juice & vodka, but that's a whole different kettle of fish.

At 1:32 PM, September 08, 2005, Blogger Terri said...

PS Can't wait for the soundtrack!

At 3:43 PM, September 08, 2005, Blogger GlitterGlamGirl05 said...

Tequila sunrise...fruity andgotta love the tequila.

Then again there's always a shot.

Or Ketel 1 or Grey Goose vodka mixed with anything.

It sounds like I have a drinking problem eh?

Where was I? Was I at this party too? I love tea!!

At 4:37 PM, September 08, 2005, Blogger dewey said...

You can't go wrong with beer. I too like imports (Stella Artois) and microbrews. Sorry, friends south of the border, but your domestic beers are urine-esque to the Canadian palate, so I can't (read: won't) recommend any of them.

Also try:
CC & coke
Vodka & tonic
Red wine if you're out with a girl (not with the guys, you'll REALLY look gay)
Rob Roy
Vodka martini

For now, that is all. I look forward to our next 2D cardboard convo.

At 12:38 AM, September 09, 2005, Blogger No-L said...

I agree with JT - Long Islands (taste great but they will put you on your ass.)
Also I like the following:
-Screwdrivers (I'm from Florida and like OJ, these are good GRODY :P )
-Scotch (Dewars) and Sour (also called a Sidecar)
-If you are into shots I LUV Lemon drops and Orange drops (again OJ, grody :P )
-Corona & Sam Adams Light are both good beers, for people who typically don't like strong beer (not girly or gay.)

Can't wait for the soundtrack!!!

At 5:53 AM, September 09, 2005, Blogger DelBoy said...

If you like Jack & Coke or CC & Coke, you have to try Makers Mark (real bourbon) with Coke or Diet Coke.

If you're after cocktails, it has to be a Long Island; it's one of the few cocktails that you only need to drink one of before it's all over. Ergo: cheap night out!

Soundtrack => can't wait!

At 9:38 AM, September 09, 2005, Blogger Liz said...

Captian and favorite drink before the captain and I got into a fight on a cruise a couple years ago. He and I were having a good ol' time and then I had to snorkel the next morning...I'm still mad at him. (Capt and ginger is definitely a unisex drink)

But as a former bartender...the L.I.T. is fun to make and does pack a punch...I love to make a bloody mary...the more horseradish the better is my motto.

Shooters...the Red Headed Slut is a favorite among college students in my area. Jager, Peachtree and cranberry. Sounds pukey, but is so smooth!

My favorite made up shot is the Man in the Mirror (aka Black and White). 1/2 shot jager with peppermint shnapps layered on top (hence black and white). Again sounds gross, but you have great breath afterwards!

Undr - love the blog...I'm a faithful reader! Keep me laughing!

At 1:36 PM, September 09, 2005, Blogger annush said...

damn jodee, schlaeger tastes like aged nyquil...eek!! but manly it is.

I say Long Island Iced Tea will be quite efficient at getting you drunk.

Black russians are also efficient but this one has a metrosexual twinge to it I find...

Apple martinis but that's the ultimate city girl drink.

Caipirinhas and mojitos are good too...but also quite metrosexual

I need to quit hanging out with metrosexuals.

At 2:31 PM, September 09, 2005, Blogger j2 said...

white russians! the drink of The Dude from The Big Lebowski, best movie ever.

undr, will you be drinking with us cutouts or are you going out to the bar without us?

At 4:58 PM, September 11, 2005, Blogger Carissa said...

If the straight-up gold schlager is too much (that shit burns, but in a good way), mix it with apple juice, hot or cold. Or orange juice (only cold). I know it sounds gross, but it's good.

Mint julips are really good, but unless you want to look kinda gay, only order it while watching the Kentucky Derby.

Oh, and Southern Comfort and ANYTHING is good.

And if you're looking to score with that underage girl over by the coal mine (yes, that IS the idea of romance in this area), get some Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill Wine (at $2.99 a bottle, you can't beat it) or some Smirnoff Twisted Green Apple.

Really, though, the Boone's Farm is good stuff. Tasty. I just tried to Sangria the other day, and it was GREAT! Tastes a little bit like expensive wine, only sweeter.


At 7:25 PM, September 11, 2005, Blogger Underachiever said...


Cheap drinks and jailbait, that's what dreams are made of.



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