Monday, October 31, 2005

Deep thoughts revisited.

Dear Undies:

After 24 million letters(mostly addressed to "Occupant") and a few telepathic messages, I have decided to answer my deep thoughts question. The question was:


If you were to die tonight, what would you regret not saying to someone and why?

Like I said befo', this was a tough one.

Therefore, If I were to die tonight, trampled by a stampede of angry circus elephants on meth, I would regret not telling you "I love you" enough. Yeah,I know, you know I love you. But I feel that it was never enough. I wish that I could've screamed it louder in public, whispered it more in our private moments. Written it on all the pages and sang it to you with all my heart. So If I die tonight, let me just say I love you.

Yes, I love you Angelina Jolie. *wink*(I had to throw in a joke, I'm dumb that way)


Love, love and more love,

Undr

PS: Here is another question to ponderfy:

What do you value most in a relationship?

Answer it, if you like, in the comments section or on your blog. Whatever you do, don't keep it to yourself. Let me know, you little cheeky monkey.

Love ya, mean it!

Double PS with whip cream and strawberries: Merry Christmas! ...erm...oh wait is it Channukah today? or just Chaka Kahn's birthday?.. I never remember. Just be safe and don't eat the weird candy. Give those to me....

Saturday, October 29, 2005

WHWLTW? Oh great, this looks like fun.

Dear Undies:

Run for your lives! It's time once again for America's, Canada's and Guam's favorite segment: WHWLTW? If you're wondering what the heck this means, well you're in luck, 'cuz I'm about to tell you. It is What Have We Learned This Week? It's like the NRA but Charlton Heston won't return our calls.

That's right my little prison escapees. It's time for me to tell you what I done learned and for you to tell me what you learned. The simplicity is uncanny!

I Learned This Week.... (ILTW-thanks J2!)

...1 That Janet Jackson may or may not have had a child 18 years ago. (I'm pretty sure it aint mine.) I know I speak for all of North America and Indonesia, when I say "Who give's a flippin' fart?!"

...2 That to get close to God, you must swallow life gold fish. Take that Nemo!

...3 That Mr. Zulu is gay. (Next they'll say that Melissa Etheridge is a Lesbian shhhhhyeah Right!) I believe it was episode X2134b2 that I noticed Mr. Zulu checking out Captain Kirk's butt. Then again, who didn't?

...4 That I ain't the only one afraid of the King ( Hi Glitter!)


and last but not least:

...5 That I corrupt young impressionable minds. Let me 'splain. I was waiting in line at a bank. This little kid was in front of me with his mom. Apparently, the kid mistook me for a melon-headed clown and began to joke around with me. He asked me dumb questions and made goofy faces. It was a fun-fun good time! ( I love kids so that doesn't irritate me.)

However, the good times ended abruptly when I jokingly called him a peanut head! (Sidenote: I don't know why I called him a peanut head. I like the terms bonehead, or butthead, but peanut head? I dunno.)

Anyway, this kid, this goofy kid, must've liked the term. He demonstrated his love for this name by repeating it over and over again! You would think that this is ok. Unfortunately, he doesn't pronounce the words correctly and instead of "peanut" he says "peanus head"
--"Peanus Head, Peanus Head, Peanus Head, Peanus Head!"

His mom, you know the goofy kids mom, gave me this look. She wanted to kill me. Everybody in the line wanted to kill me. Now, In my defense, I swear on Marky Mark Walhberg's third nipple that I didn't do this on purpose. I just called him a peanut head as a joke, but it backfired on me.

"Peanus Head! Peanus Head! Peanus Head!" The little guy chanted

By this time I'm practically signing over my paycheck to this kid. Peanus Head Peanus Head Peanus Head! Oh and of course, he starts annunciating it: "PEA-NUS HE-EAD!" and singing it "Peeeanuuuuuussss Heeeead!"

Then I get the bright idea of bribing him. I tell him. "Hey Goofy, if you stop saying that Momma is gonna get you pizza!"

Whew! He stopped.

For about 2 seconds.

Then he broke into a musical production he called "Pizza Peanus head!" He had a little dance number to go with it too. It would've been cute in another context, but in this one it was down right wrong.

Me being the shy person that I am, there was no way, I could stay there any longer. I decided to leave.

As I'm walking out,

The mom grabs me by the arm and just looks at me.

And all I could muster up to say to her was, "yeah I know, I know, I'm a peanus head...."

The end.


Well folks this is what I learned this week. What about you? Let me know, if not, make it up.

Love,

Undr


PS Have a good weekend everyone! By the by, remember to check out the linky links. Some of the Hiatus-ers are back and this time it's personal da- da dummmm!. Love ya, mean it!

Double Mocha PS: I'm working on my deep thoughts answer still, so keep your panties on!


Triple PS: Last week I reported that Mr. Floatie had dropped out of the mayoral race. I wrote a poem for Mr. Floatie the Poopie candidate for Mayor of Vicky, BC Canada.


Mr. Floatie
Your Rock my Boaty
If you had a castle
I'm sure you'd have a Moaty


Mr. Floatie
He wants your votey
and If he wins
He will not Gloaty



the end. Thank you.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Quirknesses of Quirkitations.

Dear Undies:

I have been tagged by Ben O. His real name is actually Benjamiah "Don't Call me Benji" O.

I am honored, privileged and a littel misty-eyed that Benny Wenny would take advantage of a pudgy kid and tag my ass. Thankyouverymuch!

Anyways, It involves quirks. I've written on this subject before, but I have more. Surprise, surprise!

Here is a list of my quirks:

1 I'll listen to one song on a CD and completely disregard the rest of the songs. Thus missing out on other great music. I am working on this. I promise.

2 I have to read the funnies while I eat.

3 I check my zipper at least 200 times a day to make sure it's not undone (not that it would matter anyway.)

4 I eat Peanut m&ms by eating the chocolate first and then the peanut.

5 I will not eat an imperfect OREO. It has to be intact. Although, I don't mind crumbled OREO's on ice cream. Oh and don't get me started on sprinkles. I love those things. What was the question?

6 I hate it when I am at a drive thru and the people in my car don't know what they want to order. I feel like the the drive-thru engineer is looking at me, laughing and thinking I'm an idiot. Which I am but they don't have to know that. Besides, it's the same friggin menu! It's been the same friggin menu for at least 2000 years, with the exception of the Fruit salads with lard dressing or the McRibeye. and...YOU ORDER THE SAME GOSHDURN THING ALL THE FREAKIN TIME! WHY OH WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME LOOK DUMB IN FRONT OF THE DRIVE THRU PEOPLE! THEY HAVE INDOOR VISORS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! ...erm ... ok that was uncomfortable. I got a lil´carried away. My apologies Rasheedi.

7 I put mustard on my french fries.

8 Whenever I eat a baked potato, all the toppings have to be on the side. If I want a higher percentage of chives in comparison to bacon bits, "it's my prerogative! I can do what I wanna do."

9 I love to kiss a woman's neck but I can't allow anyone to kiss mine. It's is nauseatingly ticklish. I can't stand it.

10 I must sing when I mow the lawn. I don't know if it's smell of the about to be chopped grass or the deafening sound of the lawn mower, that put's me in the mood to belt out many a many a classic.


I guess that's it for now! If you would like to participate in this tag, please do so and let me know.

Cuz, you know I WILL find out. ooooh I'm sooo evil!

By the way, thanks again Ben. Feel free to visit anytime. Just don't pee on the seat. Peace out!


Love,

Undr


PS. Let's keep our friend Anika in our prayers. Her grandpappy is sick. We loves ya, Ani!
Get well Opa!

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Song in my head. Is there an echo?

Dear Undies:
What's playing in your head? Could it be the jingle to your favorite hair dilapidation device, or that song that you made up called "I hope you die, you poor excuse for a boss", or I know, David Hasselhoff's greatest hit.* Whatever it is let me know, if not, then poo on you.(not really, just say hello and I will melt in excitement.)
Here is a song that has been playing all day in the vast wasteland of my head. Hope you enjoy.
Dashboard Confessional

Brilliant Dance


So this is odd,
the painful realization
that all has gone wrong.
And nobody cares at all,
and nobody cares at all.


So you buried all your lover's clothes
and burned the letters lover wrote,
but it doesn't make it any better.
Does it make it any better?


And the plaster dented from your fist
in the hall where you had your first kiss
reminds you that the memories will fade.


So this is strange,
our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance
where nobody leads at all,
where nobody leads at all.


And the picture frames are facing down
and the ringing from this empty sound
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.


And breathing is a foreign task
and thinking's just too much to ask
and you're measuring your minutes
by a clock that's blinking eights.


This is incredible.
Starving, insatiable, yes, this is love for the first time.
Well you'd like to think that you were invincible.
Yeah, well weren't we all once
before we felt loss for the first time?
Well this is the last time.
Love,


Undr(sap)


PS I workin' on the answer to the Deep thoughts question and a tag by our friend, ally and cattle rustler Ben O.


Double PS breaded and fried: I appreciate your "deep thoughts" answers. You guys are sooper-dooper! Love ya, mean it!
*only heard in Germany and in your local a chinese torture chamber. Oh the humanity!

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Deep thoughts by Undr

Dear Undies:

Once in a while, in my moments of lucidity, between medication, I often ask myself questions. To which I respond, "What? Who said that?!"

The point is, I often wonder about stuff. Such as, the shelf-life of a Twinkie, or why a bird chooses to poop on my car in the same spot everyday or even why the color of said poop is neon purple or about the possible reason that the poop is neon purple has to do with the fact that the bird's name is Twinkie. I dunno.

In any event, these are deep thoughts, people.

Anyways, here's a doozy of a question I have for you:

If you were to die* tonight, what would you regret not saying to someone and why?


oooh this is deep. I was "axed" this by someone and I'm still trying to answer it. So many regrets so little time.

Anyway, if you choose to play, click on "comments", write your comment, fool around with the word verification and lastly, do the hokey-pokey and turn yourself around. That's what it's all about!

Or write about it on your blog and send me the royalty check. Either way let me know.


Love,

Undr


PS Deep thoughts was brought to you by Rumpy's Food Emporium. Motto: Salmonella? What Salmonella?

*Please don't die, it would make me sad. But, would it kill you to put me in your will? Sheesh!

Monday, October 24, 2005

31 Questions. Dagummit you sho are nosy.

Dear Undies:

I saw this on someone's blog. I apologize that I don't remember who, but if it's you, let me know.

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you:

Bill Cosby

2. Where was your first kiss?

On the lips... sheesh.

3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?

Nah, I try to commit felonies not misdemeanors. If they are federal offenses even better!

4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?

Yup, my sisters, when I was a kid. they were asking for it.

5. Have you ever sang in front of a large number of people?

KARAOKEEEEEE! Yup, I suck.

6.Whats the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Smile/Eyes

7.What really turns you on?

What doesn't? Actually, a smart and funny woman. (and it don't hurt if she's a Briiick Hoowse!-ha-ha)

8.What do you usually order from starbucks?

Caramel Frappuccino

9. What is your biggest mistake?

Not doing things differently....

10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?

Does falling in love count? Then yes!

11. Say something totally random about you:

I can't stand someone kissing my neck. It's too ticklish. I don't mind doing it to someone else though...oooh I am so naughty. LOL

12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?

Yup. Godzilla. Actually people say I resemble Orlando Bloom's armpits.

13. Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?

Yup, I love cartoons. Can't wait to see Chicken Little.

14. Did you have braces?

No but I probably should.

15. Are you comfortable with your height?

Yeah, although, I wish I was a little taller.

16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you?

Liked me.

17. When do you know it's love?

When it feels good and hurts at the same time.

18. Do you speak any other languages?

Yup, Spanish and learning French

19. Have you ever been to a tanning salon?

Nope

20. What magazines do you read?

Whatever they leave behind at the free clinic's waiting room. I like Entertainment Weekly, Time, Sports Illustrated, Pentho..uh... Reader's Digest!

21. Have you ever ridden in a limo?

Yes, for a date. I took a girlfriend to a fancy restaurant. It was an anniversary of sorts.

22.Has anyone you were really close with passed away?

Yes. A very good friend of mine.

23.Do you watch mtv?

Not anymore. I used to love it when they actually had music videos.

24.What's something that really annoys you?

Arrogant selfish people and the Dyson Vacuum guy. Ugh!

25. What's something you really like?

Laughter.

26.Do you like Michael Jackson?

Nah.

27 Can you dance?

Somewhat. I don't do it much, unless I am alone and it usually resembles convulsions with a hint of involutary twitching

28.What's the longest/latest you have ever stayed up?


29 hours. For no reason whatsoever.

29.Have you ever thought that you were honestly going to die?

Yes, when i fell and hit my head as a kid. I thought that it was all over.

30.Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?

Nope. Thank goodness.

31. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out?

Yes.

Well, here be more crap you may or may not want to know about me. If you feel the urge to do this, my only question would be WHY? Nah, go ahead and do it.

Love,

Undr


PS When all else fails, "Everybody Wang Chung Tonight!" Love ya, mean it!


Double P.S. with steamed vegetables: Thanks for participating in last weeks WHWLTW. Who loves you baby?

Friday, October 21, 2005

WHWLTW? Well whatta ya know!

Dear Undies:

*Sniff* *Sniff* What's that smell? Is it a skunk? Is someone boiling cabbage? Is someone boiling a skunk? NO Silly! It's time once again for our favorite smelly segment here in the Underachiever's Corner. It's time for.... WHWLTW? These are the call letters for What Have We Learned This Week? It's sorta like R.E.M, except there ain't no "Shiny Happy People" here!

This is how it works.

A. I tell you what I happened to learn this week.

B. You tell me what you learned. It's pretty simple. If you didn't learn anything, then just say "hello"! Will it kill you to say "hello"? Sheesh!

This is what I learned this week:

1 Some Dads suck.

2 Saddam Hussein says he's innocent. Yea-yea, tell it to the judge. Oh wait, he is telling it to the judge.

3 Paris Hilton has a weird keyster. or is it keister? oh I dunno, she has a weird butt.(via the Superficial) ***Alert***NSFW

4 Rocky VI is coming out(I think the "VI" Stands for Vascular Intervention) It all starts out in a retirment home. Someone is sitting in Rocky's favorite wheelchair. This time it's personal.(via Chi-Chianca)

5 That I am still the king of making a fort with the cushions from my couch! Boo-yah!

and last but not least:

6 I learned that I so wanted to move to Victoria, British Columbia to vote for mayoral candidate Mr. Floatie. Unfortunately, he has dropped out or "plopped" out if you will. He was a true patriot! We will all miss Mr. Floatie. You were a gas...erm.. or not!


This is what I learned. What pray tell did you learn? Come on you can tell me. Don't be shy.

Love,


Undroo


PS Have a wonderific fantastilicious weekend. I'm sure I won't. I live through you guys so for the love of all that is good and pure, have fun! Go Yankees! ...erm next year!

Double PS with soy milk: Please check out the linky-links. They cry if you don't. Love ya, mean it!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Poetry that sucks! It's more cheesy than sucky. It's Gouda!

Dear Undies:

As you know I am the world's worst poet. I've seen better poems on a bathroom stall in the men's room of an abandoned gas station. However, I shouldn't be the only one who suffers. So go 'head and read my crap. Then if you want to, write me a poem. Write me anything, it get's so lonely here in prison, until shower time that is....(just kidding, I only take baths.)

Apprehension

How do I write to you...
when my words will not make sense
And a million written pages
will not a make difference.

How do I write to you...
when my feelings are covered and buried
No shovels to dig this mystery
never to be unearthed

How do I write to you...
when the papers stare and laugh
and the pen makes me a coward
hiding behind my apprehension

How do I ignore
all the reasons to be unknown
and the million miles between us
only makes it worse.


Love,

UNdr

PS Stop dry heaving! It'll pass. Love ya, mean it!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

OK OK I'm tagged already! Sheesh!

Dear Undies:

It seems that I have been tagged. I was totally ambushed by Jen-nae-nae, our resident firefighter and new photograffer.


Here it be.

Ok here it goes.

I'm gonna start right now.

honest, right now:



1. If money were no object, what would you be doing with your life?

Buying all the hungry children in the world food and clothes.

2. Money is just that - an object, so why aren't you doing it?

There are a lot of hungry children.

3. What's better: horses or cows?

I've tasted both and I'm gonna have to go with Cow. Besides, they're easier to hunt. They kinda just stand there.

4. What do you think the secret to happiness is?

Love.


5. When was the last time you had a dream that you either remember well or did not want to awake from? Can you share a bit?

I had a dream I was flying. I suddenly woke up when I fell off my bed.

6. When you were a little kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

A Doctor, writer and part-time baker.(all at the same time. No joke.) I love bread.


7. Complete this statement: Love is...Never having to say ...

"Put down that meat cleaver." or "I hate myself when I'm with you."

8. Can you tell a good story? (write one!)

I suck at this but here it goes:

Stumpy, as his friends called him, was fired up. "I'm rarin' to go" he said to himself. He got on his "hog" and headed to Daytona Beach. It was Bike Week. It would be his first. After two days of riding, he finally made it. There were some rough looking men and ever rougher looking woman. Stumpy knew, he just knew, he would have fun. It never dawned on him that he was the only one on a pink mo-ped.

The End.


9. Can you remember your last daydream? What was it about?

I was on an island selling coconuts. I had embezzled 30 million dollars so I was ok with that.



Love,

Undr


PS Answer these questions on your blog. I'm sure you're way cooler than me anyway. Love ya mean it!

Double PS with biscuits: I appreciate all your comments, questions, death threats and the occasional lawsuit. Thanks for stopping by. Make yourself at home. Just don't steal my silverware. Still love ya, still mean it!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Daughters

Dear Undies:

This is for those "dads" who are giving their little girls a hard time.

John Mayer
Daughters


I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she’s just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change

And I’ve done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I’m starting to see
Maybe it’s got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too


Oh, you see that skin?
It’s the same she’s been standin’ in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she’s left, Cleanin’ up the mess he made


So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too


Boys, you can break
You’ll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strongAnd
boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman’s good, good heart


On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world


So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers


So mothers, be good to your daughters too
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

This song has been brought to you by....


Charlie Brown
You are Charlie Brown!


Which Peanuts Character are You?

brought to you by Quizilla
Love and junk,



Undrpoo


PS Let me know which Peanut Character you be. Love ya, mean it!

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Lyrics du jour*

Dear Undies:

This a song that I'm into right now. (I know, I know, you don't care)

Enjoy





Brighter Than Sunshine
by Aqualung

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling


Tied up in ancient history
I didnt believe in destiny
I look up you're standing next to me
What a feeling


What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, i don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine
and it's brighter than sunshine


I never saw it happening
I'd given up and given in
I just couldn't take the hurt again
What a feeling


I didn't have the strength to fight
suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling


What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine
It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine.


Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me
What a feeling in my soul


Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine


I got a feeling in my soul ...(repeat chorus to end)

Love,

Undr

PS Hope everyone had a good weekend. Tell me about it. If not, don't worry, I'll be in the corner with the dunce cap on. Love ya, mean it!

Double PS with a pickle: Check out the Linky links, even the ones on hiatus are better than this crap. Honest!


*Not affiliated with the Soup du jour. Also, not affiliated with Ashley's Lyrics of the day(which is a lie, I totally done stoled it from her, but i have to say this so she won't sue me.)

Saturday, October 15, 2005

WHWLTW? What? Were you expecting something else?

Dear Undies:

Has it been a week already? Wow, time sure flies when you question your very existence.

It's time once again for WHWLTW? This is a recurring nightmare, here at Da' Corner. It stands for What Have We Learned This Week? It's nothing like PMS ... AAAAAAAAHH!... I hate you! I disgust you, don't I?!... You think I'm fat!... GROOOOOWL!.... WAAAAAAAAAAH! ....I love you.... erm, actually, it's totally like PMS.

Here's how to play. I tell you what tickled my fancy this week and you tell me what floated you boat. Simple, aint it?

With out further ado, this is what I learned this week.

1 Apple has unveiled the new Ipod movie player. Man, this is great! It sure beats walking around with that damn VCR duct-taped to my arm and don't get me started on that stinkin' extension cord!

2 The New James Bond is a blonde guy named Daniel Craig. I guess blondes do have more Bond. (Get it? I substituted Fun with Bond because I'm kooky that way.)


3 I still attract cross-dressers even at the age of 30. Let me tell you, he was staring at me for a long time while I was at a restaurant with some friends. (I won't tell you which one it was, but I ordered the Bloomin' Onion and the Outback Special. You're right! It was the Waffle House. I sho' can't fool you, now can't I)

Now, in his defense, he would have made a very attractive woman, had it not been for the stubble on his face and chest hair uh on his chest. EEEWWW! Yuckie poo! But nice rack, if I do say so meself.

and...

4 Jesus, is our savior and apparently helps us with our bodily functions.

Let me explain, I was at the same restaurant, yeah the one with RuPaul staring me down, and I decided to go powder my nose. I don't know where you do this, so I went to the bathroom instead. There I was standing infront of a urinal, reading. (For the ladies, a urinal is like a sink. But a sink you definitely don't want to wash your hands in.) Yup, I was just reading an article from the AJC that was conveniently placed on the wall behind the urinal. ( I wonder if they do this for the ladies bathroom stalls. I'm sure they would put Cosmo, Vogue or Popular Mechanics, even.)

Anyways, the ladies room was busy, because there was a line. I think they were offering government cheese in there, the line was so long.

Soooo, in comes this lady into the M-E-N- apostrophe- S room. And oh boy! She did not want to read the newspaper, if you know what I mean. You don't? Well, Einstein, she wanted to pee! Are you happy! Sheesh!

The point is, she comes in and runs into one of the stalls and this is what she said(Honest to Bob!):


Pee Lady: "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus Oh, Jesus, Jesus Oh, Jesus...")

Me ( in my head) :"Hmm says here there's a special on Arugula* this week at the Piggly Wiggly"

Pee Lady: "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Oh Jesus *trickle, trickle* "

Me (In my head): "hmm that Dave Barry is quite the Kidder"

Pee Lady: "Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus. Thank youuuuu Jesuuuuusssss!"

She then washes hands (in the urinal. Ha-ha, had you there!) and sings 3 more verses of "Thank you Jesus". She sang loverly. Kinda like Kelly Clarkson meets Froggy meets Jim "Gomer Pyle" Nabors; meets Darth Vader. Very soothing.)

Me( in my head): "Eh, I might as well just pee while I'm here."

The end.

I don't know why stuff like this happens to me.

Love, but only after I was my hands first,

Undr(*trickle*trickle*)

PS What did y'all learnt thus week? Lut muh no, if not make it up. Lub ya, meen it!

Double PS and baked potato: I am sorry that most of my stories this week somehow involved the bathroom, the loo, if you will.

Next week, it'll be something more comfortable, like my Bikini Wax weekend extravaganza. (YOU'RE GONNA WAX WHERE?!) Have a nice weekend or a naughty one, if you're nastay!


* "Itsa vegitible"--Steve Martin 'My blue Heaven'.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Name

Dear Undies:

Everyone and their mother is doing one of these. So here is mine. (Originally I done stoled it from Glitter and Ashleypoo)


Please play along!

Love

Undiepoo






1. YOUR PORN STAR NAME: (name of first pet + street you live on):

Olaf Windfield

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandmother's/father's first name + favorite snack):

Rudolph Sunchip


3. YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME: (first word you see on your left + favorite restaurant):

C D Houstons

4. YOUR SOCIALITE NAME: (silliest childhood nickname + first place where you partied):

Eyelid Friendshouse

5. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial + first three letters of your last name):

A-Van


6. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite animal + name of high school):

Shark CypressCreek

7. YOUR BAR-FLY NAME: (last snack food you ate + your favorite drink):

Gummy Worms Rasberrytea

8. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name + street where you first lived):

M. St. Nicolas

9. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (favorite candy + favorite musicians last name):

Sugardaddy Vedder

10. YOUR OPPOSITE SEX NAME: (name of [opposite sex] last friend that you commented + cell phone company you use):

Glitter Verizon

11. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name+ last 3 letters of mothers middle name /+/ first 3 letters of your pets name + first 3 letters of the town you live):

Vanliz Brocla

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

My Toilet Trauma

Dear Undies:

Sometimes I wonder what made me the self-loathing, heartbroken schmo that I am. This prompted an investigation to the cavernous parts of my memory. Only to find a lot of useless information pertaining but not limited to, Joanie and Chachi (The tv show.) and a childhood trauma. I must have blocked it out of my brain or it might have just been lodged in my spleen. In any event, I found a terrible childhood trauma, that may or may not have defined the man I am today.

It involves: My mother, a Toilet and Me.

As you may already know, by checking in your "I love Undr" scrapbook, I have been potty trained since 1977. However, the wiping of my own hiney wasn't in the potty-training curriculum. Therefore, I didn't wipe my own rumpy until some time in the early 90's (1999). What was a little boy with a dirty behind supposed to do? Having no other recourse, would widdle Undie-wundie walk around with a soiled bum? Of course not! I would call my Mom. Ah yes, call for my Madre (gr: wiperati buttickus).

Editor's note: Before I continue, let me just say that this is about as embarrasing as heck! But my therapist, slash, parole officer Nick, says this would help me with the healing process. It's like Dr. Nick says "It's the second step to healing." The first step is to stop crying when people laugh. But I digress.

Unfortunately, when one depends on others to wipe their own bumper(the wipee), you have to circumscribe to the the Wiper's time schedule and such. Therefore, when I was a wee lad and I finished my duty(he-he), I would sit and wait for what seemed to be an eternity, wrapped in infinity, smothered with forever and onions. Yup, I waited so long that the cushiony toilet seat began to crack, and shards of vinyl would be embedded in my hind quarters. Ouchies, is right!

That's right, my mom, the wiperess, would do chores, talk on the phone, plan covert operations for the russians and translate War and Peace to jive. Thus, leaving me alone choking on the fumes of the what used to be a part of me. (Courtesy flushing had not been invented yet)

Just in case you don't understand, I will now reenact the events that took place on one of these aforementioned occasions.


Undr's Turdy wurdy: *plop* *splash*

Undr: Mother, I have finished.

Mom(on phone): "yakity yakity yak-yakity. Oh yeah he is so not my favorite child"

Undr: Muther (in a Tiny Tim English accent voice)

Mom: "blah-blah-blah, ...oh and those child-bearing hips he has!"

Undr: Ma, I'm done!

Mom: "bippity bippity bippity....maybe he'll grow out of this 'Ugly' stage"

Undr: MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Mom: "wonk wonk wonk .....He's a little on the effiminate side..."

Undr: Mater, Madre, Mere, Mima, Oma!

Mom: "doobie-doobie doo and yakity yak wonk....Oh I KNOW he will get beat up in school. I'd give him a wedgie myself...."

Undr: MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

I assume you get the picture. After about two days, she realized that I was not around and eventually found me on the toilet seat, with my left eye twitching saying "Englebert Humperdink" over and over again.

Needless to say, my butty-butt was beet red. Truthfully, not my whole butt, I had a beet-red donought shaped ring around my thumpity-thump-rump. As a matter of Fact, even till this day if I'm in the right light, you can faintly see the scars from the vinyl shards and sad reminder of this ordeal: The words "Made in Taiwan" from the toilet seat.

But hey, I turned out alright! Didn't I?

Thank you.

Love,


Undroo(MAAAAAAAAAA! I'M DONE!!!!!)

PS Any funny childhood "traumas", let me know. If not, yell my name until you're blue in the face and red on the bum. Love ya, mean it.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

We are having guests over. Go brush your teeth for Pete's Sake!

Dear Undies:

Please pick up your room and get dressed! The Underachiever's Corner is getting a blog review from Ms. Chatty. Please wear your sexy school girl outfit (This is for me) and make sure you behave, because we have a guest!

Love,

Undr(Ms. Chatty is the greatest! Would you like a hundred dollar bribe? erm.. gift?)

PS Oh yeah, she is so gonna rip me a new one!

PS with fries: Please show Ms. Chatty around and tell them how you contribute to this blog. And for the love of Mike please shake your groove thang!(This, again, is for me.) Love ya mean it!

Monday, October 10, 2005

POP QUIZ!

Dear Undies:

I stole this from Jerk who stole it from Reese who stole it from me. (It's the circle of life...)

Feel free to take this quiz.

Undr





You are Peter Gibbons..

and you just don't give a fuck.


Which Office Space Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Nag away!

Dear Undies:

One thing that I learned over the weekend is that for years I thought that the jingle for Sara Lee was, "Nobody does it like Sara Lee" When it actually says "Nobody Doesn't like Sara Lee"

I. Have. Been. Living. A. Lie!!!!!

However, that is not what I want to talk about. Here at the corner of the underachiever we are always concerned to be an outlet for those in need. Therefore, as a humanitarian, public servant and occasional exotic dancer, I will offer you a service. This service is totally altruistic on my part and in no way is it prompted by court order or part of a plea bargain agreement for any federal offenses involving public urination. I promise.

Yes, my dear sweet friends, I am here to offer you the convenience of Nagging. Yes, I will allow you this post to nag about anything you want. Now remember nagging is an art so please do it justice. So do your duty and Nag about whatever. Whether it's me or your spouse(male, female or animal) or a public official or even your pool-boy Emilio, Nag Away!

May your nagging dreams come true.

Love and the occasional nag,

Undr

PS "Nobody duzzit like Undr Lee!"

Double PS with vanilla wafers: I hope everyone's weekend was half-way decent!

Saturday, October 08, 2005

WHWLTW? Is this still going on? Sheeesh!

Dear Undies:

There comes a time in a little boy's life, when he becomes a man. Until then, it's time for WHWLTW? "What in the world is this?" you ask? Oh sure, NOW, you want to know what this means. Well, I'll tell you, sunshine.

This is an ongoing rash-like segment we like to call What Have We Learned This Week? It's like O.P.P. yeah you know me!

Here are the directions:

I tell you what I learned this week and you do the same.

So, here is what I learned....

1 Tom Cruise paid someone to impregnate Katie Holmes. What? You don't think it's his do you? (via Chianca)

2 Nicolas Cage wants his kid to get perpetual wedgies in school.(via Chianca)

3 My favorite color is ... I'll tell ya later.

4 That the song " Don't cry for me Argentina" doesn't make sense. Since when does a country have tear ducts?

5 Ashley is a violent sommelier. But aren't they all? (Just kidding, Ashwee!)

6 My favorite color for this season is Green. Thank you.

This here is what I dun learnt this week, what about juu! Let me know, if not make it up.

Love,

Undr


PS Have a nice weekend. Make sure you behave yourselves, if not give me a call.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Undr's Soundtrack Disc 2...Oh come on! Give. Me. A. Break!

Dear Undies:

After many emails, perfume scented letters and telepathic messages, I have decided to make the Soundtrack of the Story of my life a Two Disc CD/DVD/8track box set. (Valued at $250 Dominican Pesos. Which is roughly 2 bucks.)

Therefore, I have added a supplemental list of songs that has a special significance in my life or simply, I just like them.

Please enjoy the musical stylings of people that made a good or bad impression on Undr's impressionable mind.

Brick --Ben Folds Five

The Zephyr song -- Red Hot Chili Peppers

Broken --Seether feat. Amy Lee

My Immortal -- Evanescence

Hello -- Evanescence

Here's to tonight -- Eve 6

Spending my time -- Roxette

Round the way Girl -- LL Cool J.

I can't fight this feeling -- REO Speedwagon (sap-sappy-sap)

More than words -- Extreme (more sap-o-rama)

Patience -- Guns and Roses

One -- Metallica

Nothing else matters --Metallica

Separate lives -- Phil Collins and some chick(I really research this stuff, don't I?)

Time of your life -- Greenday

99 luftballons (99 Red balloons) --Nena

Forever young -- Alphaville

People are strange --Doors

It's the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine) --REM

Man in the moon- REM

Nightswimming --REM

Everybody Hurts --REM

Impression that I get --Mighty Mighty Bosstones(Hi Glitter!--they're from Bean town too.)

Freebird -- Skynyrd(of course!)

Head like a hole -- NIN(because "Closer" makes me a tad uncomfortable)

You and Me -- Life house

Photographs -- Nickelback

Hunger Strike -- Temple of the Dog(Vedder and Cornell Rock!)

I'll stand by you -- The pretenders (

Living on a prayer -- Bon Jovi

I will remember you-- Sarah McLachlan

Angel -- Sarah McLachlan

Doin' Time -- Sublime ("Me and my girl we got this relationship I love her so bad but she treats me like..)

What I got -- Sublime (Lovin' is what I got, I say remember that)

The Joker --Steve Miller Band

No woman, No Cry -- Bob Marley and/or Fugees Remake.

Sometimes Love just ain't enough -- Don Hendley and Patty Smyth

Name -Goo-Goo Dolls

Black Balloon -- Goo-Goo Dolls

Iris -- Goo Goo Dolls

Amanda -- Boston ("I'm gonna take you by surprise and make you realize Amanda..")

Solitude -- Edwin Mcain

I'll be -- Edwin Mcain

How's it going to be -- Third eye Blind

Everything I do -- Bryan Adams

Personal Jesus -- Depeche Mode

mmm mmm mmm -- Crash Test Dummies( I abhor this song with every fiber of my life. But when it gets stuck in the head, forget it!)

Self Esteem -- The Offspring

We Belong -- Pat Benatar

Wasting my Time -- Default

Epiphany -- Staind

Nuthin but a "G" thang-Dr Dre Feat. Snoop Dog

Plush -- Stone Temple Pilots

Creep -- Stone Temple Pilots

Amber -- 311 (Amber is the color of your energy oh oh)

Push -- Matchbox 20

Capricorn -- 30 Seconds to Mars

Barely breathing -- Duncan Sheik

Wonderful Tonight -- Eric Clapton

Girlfriend -- Matthew Sweet

No Myth -- Michael Penn (what if I were Romeo in Black jeans...)

Popular --Nada Surf

Santa Monica -- Everclear (We could live beside the ocean..)

I alone -- Live

Lightning crashes -- Live

Do you remember? -- Phil Collins

Let's Chill -- Guy( an R&B classic)

Stan --Eminem

Only happy when it rains -- Garbage

Tomorrow -- Silver Chair

Hemorrhage(In my hands) -- Fuel

Summertime -- DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince ("2 miles an hour so everybody sees you")

Dry your eyes -- The Streets, Feat. Coldplay's Chris Martin( "Dry your eyes mate, I know you want to let her see how much this pain hurts, you got to walk away now, it's over.")



Well, wadya think? Let me know. You are free to do this on your blog. Yeah, like you need my permission.

Love,


Undr

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Quirky Quirks

Dear Undies:

I had no idea that choosing a new favorite color would be so difficult. Between Aubergine(which sounds like a type of salad dressing) and Pharoah Purple.... I mean, what's a manly man like me supposed to do?

I will let you be in suspense and wait till friday to announce my new favourite colour(Hi Dewey!)

Anywaaaaaaaaaays!

Today, I will continue talking about the wedding. Well, not so much the wedding but my weird thoughts during this wedding. I thought about my quirks. You know, things that you do that are possibly considered weird. Things that people don't talk about, but are sure to bring up in court if you become a serial killer. For example "John Harvey Berkowitz was a nice guy but he made figurines out of his earwax." Thus, I choose to make you aware of my quirky quirks and maybe you can do the same. I promise I won't hold it against you.

Undr's Quirks

1 I can't just eat one Mentos. I. Have. To. Eat. The. Whole. Stinking.Roll. (Don't worry, I'll always buy you a roll for yourself)

2 I sleep on my tummy.(Are adults allowed to say "tummy"?)

3 Speaking of my sleeping arrangements, I have to have a bunch of pillows. Although, I know that all of them will end up no where near me when I wake up.

4 I must cover myself up completely when I go to sleep. Except for my feet. My feet get really hot. No cold feety-feets here!

5 However in the middle of the night I get cold because most of my sheets, blankets, quilt, and any other implement of covering is either on the other side of the bed or on the floor.

6 If these are my quirks when I sleep, imagine when I'm conscious!

So, here are some of my quirky quirks, what are yours?

Let me know, if not make it up.


Love,

Undr(Yawwn! I am sleepy!)

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Happy Tuesday everybody!

Dear Undies:

Sorry I haven't posted in, like, two days. I have been a bit busy. So lay off me! Sheesh!


On Sunday I went to a wedding. It was at 7pm in Asheville, NC a city 2 hours away from my home(cardboard box). It was a beautiful wedding. The groom's Father in Law bought a lovely shotgun just for the occasion. Aww, I was moved to tears. *sniff*

I don't know why, but weddings always make me reflect on my life. As a matter of fact, even before the wedding, I was thinking about a very important decision that I need to make.

I need to change my favorite color(in Canada: Favourite)

Now, I know what you're thinking: "This can't be!" but I say to you, my ne-er-do-well friend, "It sho' is!"

Of course, I am emotionally color blind, so I need your help. What should be my new favorite color?

Presently, my favorite color is black. However, recently a good friend of mine told me that this is too Post-modern. And another friend told me that black isn't really a color that it is the abscence of light or something. To which I responded by kicking him in the shin and running away.

So, please help me. I'm an idiot!

love,

Undr

PS Just so you know, my good friend Shippy Shippenheimerstein turned 25 yesterday. So make sure you visit her blog and wish her well. Ahh... I remember when I was 25. It seems like it was only five years ago. Good times!
Also Linda and Lori turned a whopping 26* last Wednesday. They are twins you know. Wonder Twins Activate! Unfortunately Linda will be incomunicado for some time. So send your gifts money and porcelain figurines to Lori. I'm sure she'll make sure Linda receives some presents. Or maybe not.
*I could be a little off, they might be 24.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Tag! I'm it!

Dear Undies:

Someone tagged me. I wont say who it was, but I will say this, She is glittery and glamery and girlery. I just ain't one to tag and tell. My momma raised me right.

Anyway, here is how you play:

THE RULES: List five songs that you are currently loving. It doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now.Post these instructions, the artists, and the songs in your blog, then 'tag' six other bloggers/friends to see what they're listening to.

My List:
When September Ends - Green Day
Girl - Beck
Breathe(2am) -Anna Nalick
You and Me - Lifehouse (I still can't get enuff of this song.)
All these things that I have done - The Killers


Consider yourself tagged:
1 This means you
2 This means you
3 This means you
4 This means you
5 This means you
6 This means you

Go 'head play along and I will send you a Underachiever's corner conmemorative styrofoam plate.(Valued at 12 cents. If it's autographed by yours truly then the value is 9 cents. Go figure.)

Love,

Undr


PS Did I mention I went to the Coldplay Concert? Because I did. Love ya, mean it!

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