Tuesday, November 29, 2005

When doves cry and poop

Dear Undies,

I was perusing through my linky links section and I realized that perusing is a funny word. Also, I realized that Janie of Janie fame had a new blog. I was a little late finding out about it because someone didn't tell me. As you know Janie is a funny gal from somewhere in the northern hemisphere. She wrote a beautiful little post about crying. If you haven't read it, it's because someone probably didn't tell you either. Because I loved this post so much, I begged her to let me use it at da Corner. Of course, she hasn't actually given me permission. Probably, because someone hasn't ..uh ok this joke is getting old.

Anyways, at the risk of getting beat up by Janie because someone won't protect me, I will give you a list of things that make me cry.

1. Onions

2. Getting kicked in the nads. i.e. nuts, family jewels, babalones, etc.

3. Sad movies. Like "Life is beautiful", "The Champ", "ET", and "Debbie does dallas 17"

4. Art. Like when I went to the Louvre in Paris, I actually shed a tear at some of the art work. Oh and "Dogs Playing Poker" is another tear jerker. This was not seen at the Louvre but at Lou's Trailer.

5. Children Suffering

6. Poetry

7. Unrequited Love

8. Regrets

9. Music

10. Airports. It has been the back drop to too many goodbyes.

11. My stupid mistakes.

12 Knowing I could never be with you.

Well, these are a few of the things that make me have something in my eye. Cuz I don't cry. Big boys don't cry!

If this isn't too painful share with me what makes you cry. If not, then...waaaaaaaah! Hey that's another one.

love,

undr(cry baby)


PS Thanks for your particpation in Deep thoughts. You guys are sooo deep! It makes me all teary-eyed. Love ya, mean it!

Monday, November 28, 2005

Deep thoughts. 11/28/05

Dear Undies:

I apologize for not posting in like two days. I know most of you were wondering; "Where in the world is Undr San Diego?" Well, I was entertaining friends and family. Coincidently they were also off this weekend. Go figure. I was busy, but late at night, I was creeping around and reading your blogs. Of course that was after downloading Por...uh banana nut bread recipes. Yeah, that's what I was doing. Anyways, This space is reserved for deep thoughts.

Deep thoughts is becoming a regular habit like biting off my knuckle skin, which I totally don't do!

Last week's question had to do with the last meal I would have. Let me answer it, because I have to fill in this space anyways. My last meal is simple. I would love to have a New York Style Pizza with Coke(not the drug, but the drink) The Coke has to specifically be in a wax paper cup and the ice has to be crushed. Why? It reminds me of my childhood. I figure, if I'm about to get 1 billion volts of electricity shooting through my body, I might as well, think about something nice. Right after I show remorse for my chinchilla killing spree, that is. (They were asking for it!)

Anyways, that was dumb. This weeks question is...uh..I'm thinking...I'm thinking...

ah yes. What is your relationship deal breaker? Whether it's physical or emotional what is that one thing that you can not stand. So much so that it would force you to end a relationship. For example, perhaps you cannot stand someone who dresses up like a lame superhero(Captain Aardvark). Or someone who has a head the size of a watermelon on steroids . Or someone who continues to send all their back-hair to mom to put in her scrapbook. Whatever it is shallow or deep, let me know. If not, at least just say hello and go away nicely. Just kidding, stay and have some punch.

Love,

Undr

PS If you don't like this question. Here is another one: If Undr told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it in 5 seconds or 10 seconds? This question sucks. So just answer the other one. Love ya mean it.

PPS: Thanks for participating in WHWLTW? I laughed, I cried, and I wet myself. (not in that particular order.) Love ya, I really mean it!

Friday, November 25, 2005

WHWLTW?

Editors Note: Thank you for your holiday well wishes. I had chicken, which is considered a vegetable by PETA. This is a combination of last week's WHWLTW? and some of this week's.
I hope everyone is doing well and that you have enough gravy in your systems to choke an elephant. Love ya my peeps! Word!

ps Not Joe, I'm sorry I couldn't get the bail money in time. All I have to say is "I pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. "Big hairy 350 lbs man". Congratulations! (BTW his name is Cupcake)

Dear Undies:

Hey Kids! You know what time it is? Noooo, it's not time for Toe Jam jamboree! It's time once again for the Greatest Show in the empty warehouse near the abandoned building on Earth. That's right! It is time once again for WHWLTW?

If you don't know what this mean. Then you get a time-out! These six letters stand for What Have We Learned This Week? It's like the NFL except we don't use steroids here. Estrogen yes, Steroids no.

How does this work? It's easy, I tell you what mucusy slime of knowledge stuck to my brain and you tell me what you learned. It's easy and not as addictive as Hooked on Phonics.

Without further Apu :

I give ye the lessons of the week.

I learnded:

1 Surprisingly enough, Secret is strong enough for a man, but made for woman. Darn you feminists!

2 That making those ready to bake Pillsbury chocolate chip cookies, does not give me the right to call myself a "Culinary Genius"

3 And that after making the aforementioned cookies, it is inappropriate to burst into a room and proudly chant "I am a MASTER BAKER." It just doesn't sound right. Sorry Grandma!

4 I also learned that when you are sick, people give you the weirdest home remedies.

For example: This is an excerpt of a real conversation I had with a friend this past week.
For the purposes of protecting my celebrity friend I have changed his name.

Prad Bitt: Undr Dude, you should like take some "Colon Cleanse" to clean your germs by way of the colon.

Undr : uhhh since when do I have a cold in my butt? I mean did you hear it cough? Cuz I sho didn't

(I apologize.)

5 and I learnded, that I am vain, and by vain I mean conceited, and by conceited I mean ugly. You see for two days now, I have been wearing only one contact lens. The other one, which I affectionately called "Lefty", fell down the drain. So instead of wearing glasses, I wore one contact. At first, I was dizzy, and bumping into things. But, thank God for that eyepatch! It made things a little bit better. Except, I can almost bet that it might have been more effective had I worn it on the eye without the contact. Oh well, "Hindusight is 20/20", Said the Gandhi.

Well, these are some of the things I learned. How about you, you little ball of love? Did you learn anything? Let me know, if not make it up!

Love,

Undilation.

PS Have a good weekend everyone. I will be a little busy over the weekend. I have two Tupperware parties to host and a Jell-O wrestling contest to judge. So, If I'm not home when you ring the doorbell, make sure you break in. Love ya, mean it!


Quote of the week: "Gotta look good in hell" Credit Shannon

Lyric of the Week: "All I want is not to need you now" credit DC "turpentine chaser"

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Why I hate the Holidays, a poem that sucks.

Dear Undies:

A lot of people here in the USA are preparing wonderful meals to commemorate the discovery on mini-malls by Christopher “Crissy-Chris” Columbus a pilgrim from Pilgrimia. He said, “Give me giblets or give me death” and the rest as you know is history. He became a meth addict and just recently was seen doing “The Surreal Life” only to be beaten up by the guy who played “Extra #2 in the “Partrtidge Family. (I think his name was Pimpy)

Anyways, as I prepared my Pop-Tart and Whiskey meal, alone in the hole I call my home; I got into the holiday spirit by writing a poem. It’s a work in progress.


It is titled:

“Why I hate the holidays”
by Undr A. Chiever (that’s me!)


I hate the holidays
Don’t get me wrong
It’s not the constant barrage
Of the same Christmas song

It’s not all the food
With all the fixin’s
Or all of the egg nog
That you will be drinkin

It’s not all the presents
That you find in the stores
Or wreath upon wreath
Placed on every door

It’s not all things
That make it sugary and nice
I’ll say it once more
And then maybe twice

I hate the holidays
I hate them, I do
The reason I hate them is because
I can’t spend them with you.

Then end.


I apologize for this crap-o-rama. I just sat down and started writing this piece of petrified poop. Yeah, I know. I’m warped.

Love,

Undrpoet schmoet.

PS Let me just reiterate, how much I truly appreciate your comments, death threats, sexy innuendos, and your pumpkin pie recipes. Love ya, mean it!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Songs in my widdle head

aaaaah! I'm afraid of heights! But I can't stop smiling
Dear Undies:
Here is an oldie but a moldy. This song makes me feel all mushy and gushy inside. Sorta like bad mayonnaise. Well, I hope you enjoy these lyrics. I dedicate it to you. Not you! Yeah, you.


Dashboard Confessional Lyrics

Living In Your Letters



I'm always assuming the worst,
but you're going on none the less
& there's nothing to cushion your heart led fall.
Letters from further away
keep pulling me close to home.
And there's something to cushion my callous sighs.
And I know that you hope for
longer good-byes
embracing for forever
and falling in your eyes.

Pouring over photographs.
I'm living in your letters.
Breathe deeply from this envelope
it smells like you & I can't be
without that scent. It's filling me
with all you mean to me.

Continually failing these trials
but you stand by me nonetheless
& you won't let me sink
though I'm beggin you. (I'm beggin you)
Phone calls from further away
& messages on my machine,
but I don't ever tell you this distance
seems terrible.


There is no need to test my heart,
with useless space.
These roads go on forever
And there'll always be a place
For you in my heart

So I'll hit the pavement
it's gotta be better than waiting
& pushing you far away
cause I'm scared.
So I'll take my chances
& head on my way up there.
Cause turning to you is like falling in love when you're ten.
Love,
Undr
PS Thanks for showing me your talents. They were both disturbing and traumatizing. My talents include but are not limited to: Not drinking coffee, hating life, writing crappy stuff not worthy of abandoned bathroom stalls, running like a girl, and smelling like raw potatoes.
My last meal has yet to be decided. I'm stuck between a "liver and onions" pop-tart and a cous-cous double cheeseburger supreme. Eh! I'll tell ya later. like you care! Love ya mean it!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Undr's Beauty Pageant of Pageantry.

Dear Undies,

Recently, I found myself doing what we journalist call "Research". This requires a self sacrificing attitude and lots of Twinkies. Not to mention, trying to find a decent magazine at the Rehab center, some of which may have been in circulation during the Nixon administration. Anyway, I came across an article about Beauty Pageants. I was appalled, flabergasted and flambe'd at the way that woman are portrayed in these "Meat Shows", as my uncle Bosephus would call them.

When are we gonna live in a society where women are not treated like sex objects? It is wrong, wrong I tell you! So gather your thoughts and begin to write your public officials and your bookies, and plead, no demand that they put and end to beau...Wait!

There's a swimsuit competition?


SUHHWEET!

Nevermind.

Ok Undiestains, it's time for Undr's Beauty Pageant of Pagentry.

Now, my lawyers, my sock puppet Sebembo(welcome back!) and my finger puppet Fingery, have advised me that I cannot have a swimsuit competition. This is because most of the Pictures I have of you were obtained illegally. So they say! ( I was bird watching at midnight with my high power X-Ray Telescope! Honest)

Therefore, we have to skip to the Talent competition. Yessirree, Nelly! I would like to know what special talent(s) you have. Any talent will do. Like your talent of playing Beethoven's Top 40 classics using your armpit. Or your talent of cleaning your ear canal with your tongue. Or even your uncanny talent of turning me down at the bar without even saying a word and tearing into my heart, leaving me to die a lonely lonely death...erm.. uh ... yeah.

So, show me your talents. No, No, put your shirt back on! Not those talents, the other ones.

Let me know in the comments section or blog about it. Either way, don't call the cops.

Love,

Undr


PS If you would like to send me pictures of yourself in a swimsuit(yeah guys too, I don't discriminate! *shudder*) I would appreciate it. You know it would totally be for research. Yeah that's what they would be for. Love ya, mean it!

Monday, November 21, 2005

Deep thoughts

Dear Undies:

I appreciate your particpation in last week's WWYDTW? I hope all your weekendian plans were a success and that someone posted bail for you. If not, whatever you do, don't drop the soap! You know, because it gets all hairy and stuff. It's quite unsanitary, if you ask me.

Anyways, it's time once again, for Deep thoughts. Last week's question was ...umm... I can't remember. However This week's inquiry reflects the true spirit of the upcoming holiday. That's right, it is Groundhog's day on Thursday!

Here is this week's question...

If you were on death row about to be executed, what would you choose as your last meal?

(Submitted by: Inmate 128473 Shawshank Prison, Shawshank Prairie, Nebraska. Thanks Biff!)

What is your answer? Let me know, if not make it up!

love,

Undr

PS If you have any questions you'd like to submit, leave it in the comments section, email me or just tie a note to a brick and throw it through my window. Love ya, mean it!

Friday, November 18, 2005

NO WHWLTW? It's a miracle!

Dear undies:

This week’s “WHWLTW?” Will be pre-empted to show you the following pearl and swine cartoon.


(click on cartoon if you can't see, Mr. Magoo!)



Actually,
j2 asked me not to do it this week. I’m only doing it because she asked nicely. And by nicely I mean she kidnapped my sock puppet Sebembo. If she weren’t so stinkin’ purty, I would stick my tongue out at her and run to tell my momma. So this week we will do a substitute segment. It’s futuristic. It is called WWYDTW? What in the Helen Keller is that? Well, I’ll tell ya nosey! It stands for What Will You Do This Weekend? How does it work? Ok, Questiony Mcquestioner, it simple. I done tell ya what I’m doing this weekend and you tell me what you’re gonna do.


So this is what I’m going to do this weekend.

1. I’m going to a Boiled Peanut Salesman Seminar. Titled: “How to convince your customers that (a) they are not mouse fetuses and (b) they are not marinated in elephant pee.”

2. I am so gonna work on getting secret passages installed at my house. Right now all I have is windows and doors. HMPH! (
Hi Anika!)

3. I will be involved in my neighborhood’s “Triathlon for a cure”. Yes, diaper rash affects .000001 percent of the Adult population (Ok,just me). With your help and with baby powder we can combat this silent itcher. By the by, when I say triathlon, it involves the “Big Three” i.e. Hopscotch, Double Dutch and Hide and Seek. I am last years reining champion. In your first grade face, Susie Mcgherkinheimer!

4. I will be dancing with myse-elf oh oh!

5. I will be thinking about joo.

That is what I will be doing this weekend. How about you? Tell me! Come on! I promise I won’t crash your party! Honest! Let me know, if not make it up.

Love,

Undistain.


PS Give me back Sebembooooo! Love ya, mean it!


Quote of the week: “
aand the Meth just wore off.” Credit Joey “the Cheese” Tribbiani

Runner up: “The one with the wet spot.” Credit: Revy-Rev Billy Bob Thorton Gisher.

Second Runner up:
“supple.That has to be the sexiest word, eh?it's like a cross between nipple and supper. Credit: Sadie poo.


Wasn’t even in the Running: “Damn Klansmen!” Credit: Undr

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Pearls before Swine


Dear Undies:

I apologize for not posting last night. This is no excuse, but I was saving some children from a burning building and then giving them noogies. You know, so as not to spoil them. Anywhoo, I was thinking about comic strips. I love the funny papers. I actually, buy the local newspaper just to read them. (My local newspaper is the Rectal Examiner. Motto: We get to the bottom of things.)

Here is one that I love. It's warped. But then again so am I.

Enjoy. I said "ENJOY"!


(you may have to click on it to read it. Blindy.)

Let me know your favorite comic strip(s). Or the least you can do is subscribe to the Rectal Examiner.

love,

undrbear


PS Stay tuned for WHWLTW? This week's special guest is the bum who cleans my windshield every morning. You know, the one with the weird colored Windex. Is it supposed to be black? Love ya, mean it!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

OOH OOH Teacher Pick me Pick me!

editors note: I have replied to some of your comments on my previous posts. I know I am a little late, but you know, being in prison and all. I am trying not to be Blog snob. Stop Looking at me like that Sadie! So go back and read my comments about your comments about my post about..well you get the picture. Thank you. May the schwartz be witcha!

Dear Undies:

I asked, no begged, to do this assignment from a resident teacher here at the corner. She is a beautiful teacher named Missuz J.

In her words, this is what this is.

"This as an assignment I gave my students that I did along with them. You start out with some listing—family memories, fears, triumphs, likes, loves, etc. Then, create a kind of a personal “found poem,” beginning each line with the phrase "I am from.'"


I am from...


I am from happy moments of solitude.
I am from listening to music in my car
I am from being complacent and sometimes not.
I am from Bronx summers and Orlando winters.
I am from times of when things seemed hopeless.
I am from 89 cents a gallon gas and a ten dollar full tank.
I am from clowning around and laughing my butt off.
I am from Romper Room, Sesame Street and Mr. Roger's neighborhood.
I am from NYC public school systems.
I am from Catholic Schools until 4th grade
I am from writing poems on napkins and receipts.
I am from stealing a kiss behind your house.
I am from dying to hold your hand and spend forever looking in your eyes.
I am from Yankee Stadium upsets.
I am from disappointed parents.
I am from Parents who loved me despite the disappointments.
I am from love letters I will never send
I am from getting lost in music
I am from loving your art
I am from arguments and deep conversations
I am from being a nerdy class clown
I am from Blogolia
I am from doing the right thing, even when I don't want to
I am from wanting to tell you so much and regretting not doing so
I am from stickball in the street
I am from Now and Laters and Sugar daddies
I am from trying to make you smile

The end...or is it?


There ya go! This is where I be from. Howsa bout you? If you'd like to do this let me know, if not... ah Just Do it already!

Love,

Undr

PS I am from many more "places" but I know you have to eat. Love ya, mean it!

Double PS with an apple for the teacher: Thanks for your comments and your secret conspiracy theory messages. and don't forget to check out the linky-links, because they are watching. THEY. ARE. WATCHING.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Do you really want to know more about me? I didn't think so.

Dear Undies:

Here is another of those meme thingys. Please feel free and shoot me. Thank you. (Flesh wounds only. OW! Wait! Not there! Not Mr. Winky!

Here it goes:


FIRSTS

First best friend: Alex P.

First Car: 89 Plymouth Sundance (Crapola to the max!)

First kiss: First kiss: Lulu

First real kiss: Lulu Jr.

First makeout: Lulu Sr.

First big trip: New York City to Orlando Fl.

First time skiing/Snowboarding: Never been. I can't even ice skate.

First concert: Sting(don't you dare laugh!)

First Alcoholic Drink: Champale, I was 10. I got drunk on two sips. Or so I thought.

First ticket violation: 50 in a 35. I was only 17 (Cue: Winger)

First job: Servers Assistant(Bus Boy) at the Coral Cafe in the Walt Disney World Dolphin Hotel.

First date: When I was 17. I went to a Universal Studios Orlando. We had so much fun. I lost my wallet but I didn't care because I was in love. At the end of the day, I went to lost and found and behold! they had my wallet with my $83.32. It was velcro with the pockets, you know, for the change.

LASTS

Last car ride: Drove to work this morning

Last kiss: I don't kiss and tell. Ok, Brownie.

Last time you cried: The other night.

Last movie watched: Flight plan. I thought it kinda sucked.

Last food you ate: barbecue buffalo wings. mmmm.

Last love: You.

Last temptation: To buy something I really didn't need.

Last item bought: French Onion Sun Chips and a diet coke.

Last annoyance: Not having a CD player in the Rental Car from the bowels of hell!

Last time wanting to die: After the Lifehouse's "You and Me" played for the 23rd time on my road trip.

Last alcoholic drink: Long Island Ice Tea!

Last concert: Actually, I haven't told you this but I WENT.TO.SEE. COLDPLAY!

Last phone call: My grandma.

Last friend you added on MYSPACE: Stinky McStinkenheimersteinschmidt-Gonzalez-Abdul-VanCrotchengrabben.

CURRENTS

Current Best Friend(s): Jimmy

Current Car: '05 Honda Civic Silver

Current love: You

Current drink: Ice Tea

Current activity: Wallowing in my misery. oh and filling out this crap, and trying to read "The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon" By Stevie King.

Current annoyance: Dyson Vaccuum Guy! I hope he gets mauled by a runaway koala Bear.
Dyson guy: Oh look a Koala. It's Brilliant!

Koala: "chipper squeak" Translation: "Attack annoying wierdo!"

Current mood: Numb.


love,

Undr

PS: You know if you want to, you can fill one of these out and I will totally think you are rad. Love ya, mean it! (Jeanne you better, I don't care what those biotches say!---besos!)

Monday, November 14, 2005

Ok where was I?

Dear Undies:

Let me start off by saying "Boingy"...Boingy! Thank you. I would like to thank all of your nice thoughts about my "Abuelos" that is Spanish for either Monkey Eating Buffaloes or Grandparents. (Same Difference)

You know, I don't like to get all personal on this blogulation, but what the hay!

On Friday I drove 8 hours American(10 hours Canadian) to Orlando FL. I had it all figured out. I was going to take my CD case and play the music I loved in my Enterprise Rent-A-Crap. I had at least 3 CD's and a "How To Speak Pig Latin in 10 days" cassette tape. I was packed and ready to go. About 30 minutes into my trip, I realized that the Stupid Rental car HAD.NO.FRIGGIN.CD PLAYER. AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!


Now, I did rent the top-of-the-line-subcompact- subspecies- no-friggin-frills-barely-had-doors-or-an-engine-for-that-matter-golf-cart-impersonator. You would think, it would've had a CD for crimeny's sake, but it didn't. So I decided to listen to the many radio stations that both the state of Georgia and Florida had to offer. Only to be bombarded by, you guessed it, the Lifehouse song: "You and Me". I guess they didn't receive the memo. Oh well, whatayougonnado?

I arrived on Friday evening in Kissimmee, Fl.(Motto: I wish I was Orlando.) I went straight to the hospital to see my grandfather. Poor old guy. He underwent triple bypass surgery and he was a hurtin'. My grandma was there too. She had an adverse reaction to some medication and and her memory is now shot. Almost like Alzheimers, but the doctors say it isn't.

Anyway, when, I saw my grandparents there in the hospital, for the first time, I realized they were old. It was weird. I had always known my grandparents as strong hard working people, and now to see them this way, I couldn't help but feel a little bit sad. They, actually, began to look their age.(Grandpa is 78 and Grandma 82. She was such a cradle robber)

Now, If you know me, like I know you do because you read the mail-order groom brochure, is that I joke around. And now I know where I get it from. My stinkin' family. The biggest inheritance I'm getting from these wackos is their sense of humor.

You see, everyone was joking around. Even Grandma cracked a few jokes about grandpa. It was too cute. To tell you the truth, it was nice to see the family pull together in this time of crisis.

As far as grandpa is concerned, he is doing fine. He'll be released tomorrow and my aunts and uncles will take turns taking care of both of them until grandpa heals.

After spending some of Friday night and most of Saturday at the hospital, I went to Outback steakhouse and had the New York Strip Steak with vegetables. I am so healthy conscience when I'm eating a slab of meat. After that I got to my aunt's house at 12:30 am and at 3:30am on Sunday, I got up and drove home. Only stopping for a bathroom break and to eat a little somethin-somethin.
It was a rough 8 hours. But I made it, much to your chagrin. Ha-ha

Just in case you wanted to know, I counted the amount of times I heard, "You and Me"....23 times in 16 hours. I couldn't buh-lieve it! Sheesh!

It's like my grandma always said, "If you don't like soup, they give you two bowls." I don't know what that means but then again, I don't think she did either.

Thanks again for wasting your time reading this malarky.


Love,

Undr

PS deep thought question of the week: For what in your life do you feel most grateful? Let me know. If not, make it up. love ya, mean it!

Double PS with stawberry sugar-free jell-o: Check out the linky-links. Because I said so that's why!

Friday, November 11, 2005

WHWLTW? If you scratch it will get worse. You scratched it!

Well aaahl be. If it ain't another WHWLTW? Whooeeee!

That's right boys, girls and goats, it's time once again for the most anticipated, overrated, constipated segment here at the Underachiever's Corner Muffler Shop and Bakery. It's time for What Have We Learned This Week? It is just like a MTV but without Laguna Beach.(Sorry J2)

Here's how this durn thing works. I tell you what I learned and you tell me what you learned. Any simpler and a monkey would be typing this. Down Cheetah! Down! Bad Monkey!

Here is what I learned:

1. Hot dog buns can be used for ham and cheese sandwiches when you are sick and have no sandwich bread or hot dogs for that matter.

2 When you are sick, Nyquil is the night-time-sniffling-sneezing-coughing-aching-wake up-on the-floor-because-you-fell-out-of-bed-so-you-can-rest medicine.

3 Daytime TV sucks! If I see Judge Judy again, I may just shoot myself!

4 I still had my appetite despite my sickness. General Tso's chicken is the best! I salute you General Tso, sir!

5 I learned that I have some very nice bloggy friends. Thanks for you're love, get well wishes and occasional sexual harassment. I especially liked the headless lawn gnomes you put in my front yard. They were so festive.

This is what I learned this week. Sorry. I was sick for 3 days. But you have no excuse. What did you learn this week? Let me know, if not make it up!

Love,

Undr

PS Thanks again for your comments on this and my other posts. Oh yeah, and don't forget to support the Linky-links. I promise they are on their medication. At least I hope so. Love ya, mean it.


Note: I did WHWLTW a little earlier than usual, because later today, I'm driving to Orlando. I visiting my sick grandparents. Grampa had open heart surgery yesterday and he's been battling prostate cancer. And Grandma, well she isn't doing too good either. So, I'll just drive down, visit them and be back on Sunday, I hope. Anyways, what do you want me to bring you back? Mickey Mouse souvenirs? Nah, I don't think they have that in Orlando. See ya!

Quote of the Week: "Put it in the Baby Book!"

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Difficult decision

Dear Undies:

There comes a time when a man has to step up to the plate* and do the right thing. And that man is me.

Let me be honest, this is probably one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make. But to quote my father "Yeah, this is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you. But I assure you one thing, you will be the one crying"

Literally, I have spent hours up at night trying to find the way to tell you. Therefore, I implore that you realize that this decision was not made with haste. It took me at least ten minutes tops.

At the same token, I am very aware that some of you will be angry. And most of you will be downright pissed. Which makes this decision all the more harder.

But at the end of the day if I don't do it, I will not be able to live with myself. Please understand that this is something I. Must. Do.

Therefore, I will tell you in the same fashion I pull off a band-aid. Slowly and carelessly.

My fellow Undies, I have taken it upon myself to retire Lifehouse’s “You and Me”

(Pause for effect or for a sandwich. Make mine with wheat!)


I know, I know, it is a beautifully written song. But enough already. I mean 97 percent of the Radio Stations play it, sometimes simultaneously. Even the R&B stations have an “Extended Club Remix” of this song. "YO-YO you and me and all of the peeps, yo"

Heck, I think they even played it on the Christian station( called 93.1 The Judger. Whose motto is: “it’s the Devil’s music with a little bit of guilt and love. But mostly guilt.")

So for those of you who don't know this song or it hasn't melted into every crevice of your memory, here be the lyrics:

You And Me


What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive



And with a tear, I give it a heart-felt goodbye.

Of course, you can bring it back for an emergency, like a wedding or for a graduation dance or for a rite of passage when you become a man by eating a churro or even one of those days when you want to think of me.

But for the good of all that is... um... good, just let it go. *sniff* I promised myself I wouldn't cry. It was a pinky-promise too.


Remember, if you love something set it free, if it comes back, call the cops.

Love,

Undr

PS please send Hate mail to NotJoecheese. He is my hate mail advisor and also my human shield. Just kidding Joey! (*whisper* no-i-am-not) Love ya, mean it!


PS Please check out the linky-links. Now those are real bloggers. Thank you.
*sorry for the basketball reference.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

A song

editors note: Still sicky, but feeling much better. Thank you for your get-well wishes and the many boxes o' soup I recieved via express mail. I must admit, they were just a bunch of soggy boxes but it's the thought that counts. I will post, because the show must go on. Here is a lil' song, I like. Hope you like it too.


Dear Undies:

Just wanted to share a song . It reminds us that, no matter how hard things seem to be right now, everythings not lost. So I dedicate this to you.


Coldplay

Everything's Not Lost

When I counted up my demons,
Saw there was one for everyday.
With the good ones on my shoulder,
I drove the other ones away.

So if you ever feel neglected,
And if you think all is lost,
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah,
Hoping everything's not lost.

When you thought that it was over,
You could feel it all around.
Everybody's out to get you,
Don't you let it drag you down.

If you ever feel neglected,
And if you think all is lost.
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah,
Hoping everything's not lost.

If you ever feel neglected,
And if you think all is lost.
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah,
Hoping everythings not lost.

Sing out oh oh oh yeah
Oh oh yeah
Oh oh yeah
Everything's not lost
Come on yeah
Oh oh yeah
Come on yeah
Everything's not lost


Love,

Unkle Undr

PS Do you have a request and dedication let me know. Post it on your blog or just in my comments area. (Hey I'm a regular Casey Kasem!)
The best one will receive a paper clip. Autographed by yours truly. Love ya, mean it!

PPS: Let's keep Cherishy in mind, she lost her nana this week. We love ya Cherish!

Monday, November 07, 2005

I Wish

editors note: I am sick today. I got the Evian flu. It is caused by bad bottled water. Don't worry it's not contagious. Unless you read my blog. In that case you are SO screwed!
So here is a little wishlist I done wrote.


Dear Undies:

I wasn't going to do this, because I am supposed to make your wishes come true . But since some of you threatened bodily harm and a lifetime supply of wedgies, I decided to oblige. When I started writing this, it wasn't meant to be in a poem format, but the words began to rhyme blah blah blah. So enjoy my dumb lil' wishlist and for pete's sake stop sending me naked pictures of your parakeet Pukey.


Wish

I wish I was the night of peace
right before the war
I wish I made the children laugh
and they would hurt no more

I wish I was your happy smile
when things couldn't be more wrong
I wish you knew that
I have been here all along

I wish I was that bandage
that you had on your scraped knee
I wish I was the twinkle
in your eyes when you're flirting

I wish I was that hug
that you need when you're alone
I wish everyone knew me,
but I still remained unknown.

the end.


Thanks for not hurting yourself after reading this. If you did hurt yourself after reading this, please disregard the previous statement.

Love,

Undr

PS thanks for your comments, linkages and all that other stuff. Love ya mean it!

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Deep thoughts by you know who....me.

Note: I appreciate your participation in this past weeks WHWLTW? There are still seats available. So please feel free to let me know, if not make it up. The prize this week is a styrofoam cup tea cup set. Complete with a styrofoam cup that acts as a teapot. ooooh! Didn't know there was a prize, now did you. -U.

Dear Undies:

What do you value most in a relationship?

That was the question to last weeks deep thoughts. You all gave splendid answers and I totally agree with them all.

I especially appreciated how most of you talked about trust. It is so necessary. I mean if you can't trust your blow-up doll, who can you trust? *sigh*

Anyways, my answer, if you want to know, is this one:

The quality I value most in a relationship is compassion. Don't get me wrong. I want and need the trust, the comfort, the great sex and the money. But, when I say compassion, I mean that the woman must show compassion, be caring towards others. To me, there is nothing like a woman who wants to help others. Not so much in the big things, like organize another "Hands Across America", but in the little things. Like buying groceries for an old person. Comforting a crying child. Lending an empathetic ear and holding a hand that needs to be held. It makes me feel good to love and care for someone like this.

Does this make any sense? Probably not, so let me just stick with sex.

Love,

Undr

PS Here is this week's question: What is your most treasured memory?

It was that time when I did that thing with that person. Oh yeah, it was great.

Just kidding.

I have a bunch, but I haven't had time to sift through all of them. One particular one involved a time when I was really happy. My parents were divorced for a year and they decided to get back together and remarry. It was weird. Actually, I didn't want this to happen. They fought a lot All.The. Time.

Nevertheless, they remarried. The arguments continued, but there seemed to be a lingering sense of hope that it might just work out.

For example, one day, we were eating crabs. Imagine this: 2 adults and 3 children (10, 7, a 2 month-old) in a one bedroom apartment in the South Bronx eating crab. My dad was in the city and he bought a small crate of live crabs. Mom and Dad boiled them up and we got the table ready. There were newspapers covering the table, lemons, butter, the crab-crackin'-thingy and other crab-eating paraphernalia. We were all laughing it up, and for that brief moment, I forgot that my family had problems. We had such a good time.

They have been together for 31 years(minus 1 for the divorce. They don't count it.)
Those two crazy kids might just be ok.


Love,

Undr

PS let me know the answer to your question. Put it on your blog or just leave it in the comments section. Either way, if you let me know, I will mail you the Unabridged Complete Collection of Dom Delouise's Belly Button Lint. It's in a nice conmemorative Keds shoebox. Hey! That one looks like Elvis. Uh-huh-huh!

PPS Hi Rambiliny! I'm working on my wishlist, if you must know.


PPS I forgot Love ya, mean it. For shame!

(edit)
Triple PS with a booties and a bib: I couldn't help but steal a picture of Grody Jodee's little munchkin.


He is too cute. Lets send our love to the Grodster for producing such a itty bitty baby. Oh yeah, congrats to her Husband, Bubba. He may have had something to do with it. And my advice to the loving couple is: Hey! Cut it out you two! Much love, Uncle Undr

Saturday, November 05, 2005

WHWLTW? Has it been a week already? Duuurn!

Dear Undies:

The leaves are a-changin' but one thing is Fo Sho: That we have all learned something this week. So, it is time once mo' to add to your pearls of wisdom a little more nacre(huh?) That's right my loverly cheeky monkeys, it's time for WHWLTW?

Watchoo talkin' bout Willis?

Well Arnold, I'll tell ya.

It is time for What Have We Learned This Week? Sure, it's not NASA but we are a little spacey.

How does it work? Simple. I tell you what I learned this week and you tell me what you learned. Doesn't take a Rocket Surgeon to figure that one out.

This is what I learned this week.

1 I should move to Holland. There is a Wall O' Boobs there. (Via the At Large Blog) Men, have you ever been shopping for your lady(ie:your wife, lover, cellmate or mom(Nerd!) and decided, "daggummit, Ima gonna buy my woman a boob holster!" and then later realized, "I don't know her funbags size?" Never fear the Wall O' Boobs is here. That's right, a store in Dutchyland has a store with, get this, a wall with rows and rows of silicon boobs. Making your bra buying experience both educational and dirty.
Yes, if you don't know the size of her ta-ta's you can get to second base with the help of the boobies wall. All you have to do is feel up the wall and determine which size is right for you.

Can you imagine the poor sales associate?

(Reenactment)
Poor Sales Associate: "Umm sir, how long are you gonna grope those Double D's?"

Degenerate customer: "GRRR! MINE! MINE!

Sorry.

I am no longer gonna talk about this, because it makes me uncomfortable. And I will certainly not mention my idea for the Mural O' Butt. I promise I won't mention it. No way!

2. I will never be a bloggin hottie.

3. Just like Anika , I am a car singer and dancer. You should see my tap dancing routine. It goes something like this: *Tap, gas, Tap, brake, Tap, horn* and for my finale, I do a wiper /emergency light/jazzy fingers, half twist and a plié.

4 Rambilina scolded me for giving an assignment and not doing it myself. Sorry. I promise I'll do it, Mommy Rambiliny.

5 That I am part of "teh Blogfather family" Here is the review




[WARNING: this review is best served with connolis. Failure to comply may result in you having to go for days with nothing but food and water]. Yeee-haaaah ladies and gents, give it up for Undrrrrrr "Tha Connolis Dealer" Achievinatoooor! [And the crowd goes: holy moly racamoli macaroni ravioli!]. There's something straaaaange, in the neighbourhoooood, who you gonna call? Tha Connolis Dee-lah! That's right. You gotta love a blog where every post starts with "Dear Undies" and is owned by a guy who's favourite word is "boingy". There's enough humour there for the whole family, even if your family is big enough to make a football team. Show him love!



Here is a quote from the movie "The Godfather":

"Leave the gun. Take the Cannoli"

Thank you Blogfadder! I send my respects and if you ever need a favor or a cannoli, I am the man to call.


Well this is what I learned this week. What about you? Let me know. If not, you may have to swim with the fishes.... or you can make it up.

Love,

Undr

PS Would you like to see my cannoli?*




Well here it is : It's an italian dessert!

Love ya, mean it.

Double PS with a cannoli: Thanks for your wishlists. I am going to work overtime to make them come true. If you have anymore wishes please feel free to tell me. I am going to do a massive wish granting! Have a great weekend, my friends!

TriplePS: Teh blogfather said to show me love, so you know you have to. Nah, you don't. Peace out, Homies!


* sorry, that didn't sound right.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Wishlist

Dear Undies:
Here is a song that was on the radio today and it just stuck in my head. Enjoy.


Wishlist
by Pearl Jam

I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off
I wish I was a sacrifice but somehow still lived on
I wish I was a sentimental ornament you hung on
The Christmas tree, I wish I was the star that went on top

I wish I was the evidence, I wish I was the grounds
For 50 million hands upraised and open toward the sky

I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me
I wish I was as fortunate, as fortunate as me
I wish I was a messenger and all the news was good
I wish I was the full moon shining off a Camaro's hood

I wish I was an alien at home behind the sun
I wish I was the souvenir you kept your house key on
I wish I was the pedal brake that you depended on
I wish I was the verb 'to trust' and never let you down

I wish I was a radio song, the one that you turned up
I wish...
I wish....


Well my peeps, what is on your wishlist? Let me know. Hmmmm.... How about you list 5 wishes or more and I will do my best to make them come true. I'm getting certified as an official wish make-come-truer, I just need a few more classes.

Love,

Undr
PS I may post my wishlist. Or not. Love ya, mean it!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Things I done did.

Dear Undies:

As you know Madam Grody Jodee is about to explode and by explode I mean blow and by blow I mean "kaboom". Why? Because she is with child and that child wants to come out. Let us keep her in our prayers, thoughts and naughty dreams and hope for the best painless birth of all time. Let us, also, pray that the child doesn't look like Pat Sajak, because that would just be too weird. Therefore in honor of Madam Pregola herself, I decided to steal this from her.

Love, ya GJ. Have fun shooting a baby out of your Christian parts!

So here it goes:

smoked a cigarette -Yes, when I was a kid, maybe like 7. I about coughed up at least 3/4ths of my lungs. Then I tried Chewing tobacco and about died.

crashed a friend's car - No, I have crashed two of my vehicles. I single-handedly paid for all of State Farm's advertising budget in one year. Sheesh

been in love - Yup, always.

shoplifted- When I was about 6 I stole some Hubba-Bubba from an A&P in Connecticut. When I was a pre-teen I tried to steal a pair of handcuffs(ironic isn't it?) from a street vendor. He caught me as I was entering my apartment building. He just took it back and I was so scared I thought I would go blind.

been in a fist fight -Yup. She was a tough cookie.

snuck out of your parent's house- Never I was a good kid. Despite the early smoking, chewing tobacco and shoplifting experimentation. I had a girl sneak into my bedroom once. Nothing happened sickos! ok a little bit happened.

gone on a blind date - No most of my dates gouge out their eyes after seeing me.


skipped school- When I was in middle school, I overslept and missed the bus. My parents warned me that if that were to happen they would maim me. (I had missed one day that week for the same reason) So, I hung out in my bedroom closet all day. Snuck out the window at the precise moment that the bus came and I walked in as if nothing happened. I am such a doofus.

been on a plane- lots of times.

eaten sushi- Yes, I love that stuff.

been moshing at a concert - Never. I am a bleeder and I moisturize for pete's sake. Mosh pits are no place for a moisturizing kind of guy. Wait! I have been moshing before, it was a Barry Manilow concert. My bad.

had a tea party - Never, but I have been invited and then asked to leave many a time. Darn you Strawberry Shortcake and Teddy Ruxpin! You think you're BETTER than me? I'll take my GI Joe elsewhere! Hmph!

fallen asleep at work or school- Yes.

slept beneath the stars - I don't think so. I've never been camping. Sad, I know.

liked the way you looked at least at one point in time - Yes, there was one point in my life when I knew I looked good and was not afraid to flaunt it. I was 5 years old. I was such a hottie. It was all downhill from then on.

played cops and robbers- Yeah! I was always the robber and my sister the cop. I have at least 223 imaginary bullet wounds to prove it!

sung karaoke - I sang "Lady in Red" by Chris de Burgh. Biggest mistake of my life. I massacred that song and I actually got a complaint letter from Chris de Burgh himself.

been kissed under the mistletoe- yes. I carry one around with me in case of emergency.
Smooches!

laughed so hard you pee your pants -Nope, but I'm ready if it happens. "Depends" to the rescue!



These are a few things about me. What about you? Go ahead and do it. You may have fun, or you may not. Remember don't do it for me, do it for Grody Jodee. She is pregola, you know? We don't want to infuriate a pregnant woman, now do we?

Love,

Undr("Laaadeee in Red, is dancing with meee, cheek to cheek..."*croak*)


PS I was overwhelmed by your nice comments on my blog's value. Which goes to show you, that money can buy you friends. Even if it is imaginary money. Tee-Hee!

If it really is worth anything it's because of you. Thanks!

Undr= $0.00

Undr's Blog= $11,290.80.

Bloggy Gals and Buddies= Priceless.

Geewillikers you guys are swell!

Love ya, mean it!

Gimme my money.

Dear Undies: I stole this from Cherish. Apparently, my blog is worth more than my own life. This makes me happy. Or is it sad? I can never tell. Would you like to play along? Go ahead!


My blog is worth $11,290.80.
How much is your blog worth?






Love,

Undr(cha-ching!)

PS I really appreciate your comments on this dumb old thing. You make this blog be worth 11 thousand smackers and change. By the way, your answers to this weeks Deep thoughts were great. I will give my answer in a later edition. But only if you ask nice. Love ya, mean it!

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