Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Speaking of Amish Erotica...My perfect partner

Dear Undies:


I have been blindsided by a beautiful hockey-stick-flailing-pee-in-the-back-yard-when-she-was-little, Canadian maiden named Anika. Who loves me like the pet armadillo she never had or never wanted for that matter.

The rules are as follows: The tagged victim lists 8 different points of their perfect lover/partner, mentioning the sex of said partner. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on a post letting them know they've been tagged. If tagged before, no need to contribute.




Anyways here are 8 points that would make my partner/lover/hooker/plumber/and fry cook, perfect.


My perfect partner would be female because,they smell nice and some can cook which is good because I needs to eat.


My Perfect Partner ...
1. ...is someone I can trust.
2. ...is patient with me.
3. ...Loves me despite my flaws.
4. ...is humble
5. ...has beautiful eyes
6. ...is kind to others
7. ...loves to laugh
8. ...is someone I can talk to for hours at a time.

Ok here are the 8 cheeky monkeys that I will tag...

...aww I can't tag anyone. It just wouldn't be right, besides I run like a girl. I can never catch up with you. So, if you would like to answer this tag, go for it. If not, then, go to your room!

Love,

Undr

PS Thanks for participating in last weeks WHWLTW. I really appreciate it! Love ya, mean it!

Saturday, January 28, 2006

WHWLTW...yes, even when I'm sick.

Dear Undies:

The tides have brought us once again to the end of the week. Thus, making it necessary to do another WHWLTW. If you don't know what this is, well, not to worry, I will tell you. It stands for What Have We Learned This Week? It's like the BLT but with a helluvalot more calories.

The way this works is: I tell you what I learned and then you do the same. You got it, Corky? Good!

This is what I learned this week...

1. Working while you are sick is stupid. Although, the thought of infecting everyone in my place of employment with a bad case of the Ick, is pretty darn cool. muahahahahahaha!


2. That Carissa did not join the Samoan Army to battle the ever-growing population of Samoan Tree-humping Lizards. She was just busy, y'all! Oh yeah, and Shippy misses me. I miss ya too Shipster!

3. I should be a little more serious sometimes. I'm trying! That is why I am going to dedicate at least one post a week to my life's passion...Amish Erotica. (Most of the stories involve barn building, beard growing and praying...so it's really not that good.)

4. also that I have just alienated my Amish readers. First off I would like to say "I'm sorry" and also "Hey! You shouldn't have a Computer! Ooooh I'm telling the elders!"

5. That forgiving is way better than holding on to a grudge. It just hurts too much.

6. That some things are just not meant to be.

7. And finally that the WB and UPN networks are fusing to become the CW. One of the new shows on the new network is called Everybody Hates the Gilmore Girls from Smallville.

So my fellow Blogolians, this is what I learned this week. What about you? Let me know, if not make it up!

Love,

Undr

PS Thanks for making my week by stopping by and reading this crap. Love ya, mean it!

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, January 26, 2006

4 out of 5 Dentists agree.. Undr is a wacko! oh yeah and Fat!



You may have to click on the cartoon to see it better, Stevie Wonder.

Dear Undies:

Madam Cherish has done it again. She has asked another probing question. No, it's not which is better; the fluffy hand cuffs or the metal ones? (Although, come to think of it, that is a good question.) Actually, she has asked; "Does your blog mirror your personality?"

Apparently, she has met Blogolos (It's official, because it's in italics.) outside of the realm of Blogolia. Thus, she has been able to compare. I on the other hand have lifesize anatomically correct cardboard cut-outs of all of you. Well, except for a wallet-sized cardboard cut-out of Gareth. He's a leprechaun! I figure, why waste the extra cardboard.? I'm just sayin'...


Anyways, does this blog reflect who I am in the real world?

The answer is yes, if it's a fun house mirror.

I am somewhat like my blog, except I'm a little bit more reserved. I may say things here that I won't say in the outside world. One, because the FBI would arrest me and two, because I work in a Monastery. (You know, Vow of Silence and all)

Honestly, do you think that anyone could say "poopie" as much as I say it here and not get arrested? I didn't think so. Poopie!

Also, in the real world I am shy. Therefore, conversations about Drew Barrymore's sagging ta-ta's or my gay chihuahua getting his 'nads waxed or my idea for a newspaper called the Rectal Examiner are not everyone's cup of tea. So, you see I have all these things crawling inside me trying to find a way to get out. (or is that just the tapeworm?) Nah, I just gotta vent sometimes and unfortunately I do it here.

Yes, I am a little looney, a little bit creepy, little bit country and a little bit rock and roll, but I assure you I am a normal person. A normal person who wears a plaid feather boa and dances to the Rythm of the night. ("...Dancing till the morning light. Forget about the worries on your mind, you can leave it all behind. Na Na Na Na nananananana..."erm... sorry but El Debarge Rules!)

The reality of it all is, I am a normal dude who, you wouldn't think twice about if you saw me on the street. Well, maybe you'd point and laugh. But only if you're rude.

Oh yeah, and I often wear a tie.


So to answer the question honestly I would have to say... the fluffy ones.


Thank you,


Love,

Undr

PS If you didn't answer this question on Cherishy's blog, then why don't you? It's the law. Love ya, mean it.


Double PS with a side of fat-back: I appreciate you stopping by and saying hello, it makes me feel all warm in my tummy. Or is that the tapeworm? Still love ya, still mean it!

Oh and by the way, I have some tags that I will get to, as soon as I can get myself out of this semi-comatose Nyquil haze. Wouldnt-ya-knowit, I is sicky again. *cough* *cough* That is the last time I make out with chickens. Sheesh! What can I say? They're easy.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Trivia Schmivia!

Editors note: Sorry for not posting yesterday, as most of you know I was in a coma from non-stop mini-golfing and an extreme hula-hoop competition this past weekend. Please forgive me. And for all of you slacker employees, GET BACK TO WORK! ...umm preeeety pleeeeease. Thanks for stopping by. Now, back to our regularly scheduled informercial...

Dear Undies:


Aaahhh there's going to be a schedule outage!!!!

What am I gonna do? Umm well, before all hell breaks loose, Let me do this. It's something I saw on Anika's Blog O' Delight.

Now, most of you know me from my films and my Playgirl pictorial. You know, the one titled "They Don't Call Him Mini-Me for Nuthin" But do you know the real me? Here are some things you may not know about the wonderful and sometimes demented boy named Undrini. To tell you the troof, even I didn't know this about me. Make sure you memorize this and tattoo on some part of your body. As always, remember, there will be a test!


Ten Top Trivia Tips about Undr!

  1. Undr can last longer without water than a camel can.
  2. Undr is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world!
  3. The risk of being struck by Undr is one occurence every 9,300 years!
  4. It's bad luck to put Undr on a bed!
  5. Undr can only be destroyed by intense heat, and is impermeable even to acid!
  6. Bees visit over three million flowers to make a single kilogram of Undr.
  7. Undr was originally green, and actually contained cocaine.
  8. The canonical hours of the Christian church are matins, lauds, prime, terce, sext, none, Undr and compline!
  9. Undr is the male seed of a flower blossom which has been gathered and treated by bees.
  10. Undr can sleep for three and a half years!
I am interested in - do tell me about
Please feel free to play along. Let me know if you post it on your blog. For every post, I get prize ticket. If I get 2 million tickets, I will be eligible for a weird margarita makin' toaster thingy. Otherwise known as a blender. I want one in a pale seafoam green!

Love,


Undr

PS love ya, mean it!

Monday, January 23, 2006

Tagged again. I am so slow.

Dear Undies:

It seems like forever since I wrote you last. Anyways, while I was away I got so tagged by Gunny Gunngirlison and by the good people down at the Procrastination Station. (Which by the way are great blogs; not like this paperweight of a blog.)

Now, because I am so obliging and afraid for my life, I went ahead and done did it. Here it be.



4 jobs you have had:

1. Delta Airlines Customer Service Agent
2. Exotic Dancer for the Blind.
3. Office Manager
4. Bus boy. Sexy bus boy at that.


4 movies you could watch over and over:

1. Sixth Sense
2. Bob the Builder kills Barney.
3. Debbie Does Samoa
4. Ocean's Eleven


4 places you have lived:

1. Bronx NY
2. Orlando, FL
3. Lawrenceville, GA
4. My car, Curb.

4 TV shows you like to watch:

1. Law and Order
2. Law and Order SVU
3. Law and Order Criminal Intent
4. Law and Order Laundromat Divison. ( at the rate their going... it's only a matter of time.)


4 favorite books:

1. Of Mice and Men
2. Native Son
3. 1984
4. Where's Waldo?


4 places you have been on vacation:

1. Vegas
2. Hawaii
3. Paris
4. Cancun


4 websites you visit daily:

1. Msn
2. all my bloggy friends.
3. Fark
4. Yahoo!

4 favorite foods:

1. Pizza
2. Ham and Cheese samiches
3. French Onion Sunchips.
4. Canadian Bacon (A.K.A Ham.)

4 places you would rather be right now:

1. Italy
2. Canada
3. Africa
4. New York

4 Albums You Can't Live Without

1. X&Y- Coldplay
2. Ten- Pearl Jam
3. Blue Album -Weezer
4. Vomit Volume #10 The Nanny's Fran Drescher sings David Hasselhoff's Greatest Hit.


4 Vehicles You've Owned (in chronological order)

1. 1989 Plymouth Sundance (AKA the Bomb) Crappiest Car ever!- It smelled like old yogurt... strawberry-banana.
2. 1991 Chevy Cavalier. Ok, not too shabby. For some strange reason it always smelled like Fish. Weird.
3. 1999 Mitsubishi Eclipse I bought this car for 600 bucks, I drove it for 6 months didn't change the oil and sold it for $1100. I hated this vehicle. It smelled like death.
4. 2002 Toyota Corolla: I liked this guy, until I totaled it. It smelled like new, until it smelled like burning metal and plastic.


4 Bloggers you tag:

1. You
2. You
3. You
4. You


The end


Oh my goodness! I forgot to tell you that my last post was number 200! Yahoo! I've been wearing my tiara and a sash all weekend. Even in the shower!


Anyways, thanks for stopping by and not laughing at my homemade tiara. It's made of aluminum foil, a rusty hanger and metal shavings. You know, for the glitter. The Sash is a dirty piece of rope.


Love,

Undr


PS if you would like to be tagged or by chance your name is "You" then by golly just do it already. I ain't stopping you. Love ya, mean it!

Saturday, January 21, 2006

WHWLTW? Ah-Gain!

Dear Undies:

Do you smell that? Take a deep breath. No, that is not the smell of impending doom. It's the smell of another WHWLTW. It reeks of knowledge and onions. Now, you may be shocked by this but there are still a few of you out there who have no idea what the heck WHWLTW is. Well, there stinky, it stands for What Have We Learned This Week. It's an ongoing segment and rash treatment, here at the Underachiever's Corner. It's like U.P.S but we don't look good in brown.

Anyways the way it works is; I tell you what I learned and you tell me what you learned.

So, without further adoo-doo, this is what I Learned this week.

I learned...

1. ...A Judge sentenced a man to jail and he is not allowed to watch the Superbowl. All because he ran out on the field during a football Game. It reminds me of the time I ran out in the School Cafeteria where they were having the Championship Chess game. It was so rad!

2. ...That I am part of a secret elite crime team Ask Gunngirl! She recruited me. I get to wear a trench coat with clothes under it for a change.

3. ...Exotic Dancers united to protest a Smoking ban in strip joints. Don't worry it's still ok to use drugs, and perform illegal sex acts. One patron was over heard expressing his discontentment. He said, "Dude the smoke is what covered up the scars and amputated limbs." (Credit At Large Blog)

4. Michael Jackson is applying for a job as a consultant. When the CEO of the Company was asked to comment, he said with a trembling voice "He touched me in my no-no spot" (Credit At-large Blog)

5. ... and Drew Barrymore has been chastised for wearing this outfit to the Golden Globes.




So the girl has two bellybuttons and they are both outies...what of it? I think it's wrong...um...wait...OOOOH! Nevermind.

I thought these were the Golden Globes not the SAG Awards...Hey-oh! pa-dum-bum tsh(rim shot) Get it SAG? SAG!? Oh forget it!

Actually I have always had a crush on Drew, since way back when she was still innocent. Like when she was in E.T. and Posion Ivy. Ah good times. Good times indeed.


Yup, this what I learned this week. How about you? Let me know, if not make it up.

Love,


Undr


PS: Have a good weekend! As always, thanks for stopping by. Love ya, mean it!

Friday, January 20, 2006

Poetry that sucks.

Dear Undies:

Sorry about the longest post ever. Actually, Ramblin' Girl holds the record. It was 4 days long.
2 people died from exposure. (Just Kiddin' Rambilina!)

Anyhow, before your brain gets detached and runs away, I will post something so sucky and crappy that you will be back to your normal happy-go-lucky self. It's a poem I wrote a while back. It was a good idea at the time. But then again most tequila-induced ideas are.

So here is a sucky poem.


When
When you weren't looking
I sketched you with charcoal and chalk
When you weren't looking
I would savor your words as you talked

When you weren't looking
Not a shadow upon you misplaced
When you weren't looking
I memorized every contour on your face

When you weren't looking
I was the dust in your ray of sunshine
When you weren't looking
I died knowing you would never be mine


The end.
Sheesh. Talk about cheese! Ugh!

If you haven't gouged your eyes out with a fork yet, please assist those who have. The exits are to your right. Thank you!


Love,

Undr


PS If you rap it, it sounds a little bit better. Naaaah! Love ya, mean it!


PPS: I Will Not Write Long Posts.

I Will Not Write Long Posts.

I Will Not Write Long Posts(x 100)

Thursday, January 19, 2006

I steal stuff. I'm Klepty McKlepto

Dear Undies:

Thanks for stopping by. My therapist says I'm doing much better now. Especially, since most of the ink blots she shows me, are no longer reminding me of Jared the subway guy. He is soo dreamy.

Anyways, my Therapist, Dr. Shackalacka Puchini suggested I get in touch with myself by writing about, none other, than me. Therefore I stole a Meme from someone who I can't remember for the life of me. Oh yeah, now I do. Her name rhymes with Adjfmcxviwuersdfjs and she likes to breathe. I'm sure you'll figure it out, Sherlock!

So, here is another Meme, that I done stole.


WHAT IS THE MOST PHYSICAL PAIN YOU HAVE EVER BEEN IN?

The time I got my nose hairs caught in a weed wacker. (It was a dare.)

DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE GUM WITH YOU?

Yeah, Hubba Bubba Grape or as I like to call it "Purple"

ARE YOU GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BI?

Depends...When I'm fighting crime, I'm gay. I should have never registered the name "Flamboyant Boy" in the Superhero Database. Sheesh. But, normally I'm straight.


DO YOU THINK YOU ARE A GOOD KISSER?

Never had any complaints. You know, from my blow-up dolls.

HOW DOES THE WATER IN YOUR AREA TASTE?

Taste great. It has a natural brown tint, though.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU GOT SICK FROM DRINKING?

Cancun, Mexico. I drank too many Shirley Temples. I had no idea the umbrellas were not edible...ugh!

WHAT IS/WAS YOUR FAVORITE SCHOOL LUNCH?

Dude, I love Sloppy Joes. I have never had them outside of a government funded institution. The prison ones were the best.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST FOOD?

Eggs Benedict, a Grand Marnier Souffle, and a Peach Bellini. Eh who am I kidding? Eggos!

WHAT IS THE OLDEST ITEM IN YOUR HOUSE?

I have one of those old-timey irons and a wrinkled blue ruffled tuxedo.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO DRUNK YOU WET THE BED?

Nope. I have those electro-shock bed sheets. It only takes once. Ouch!

HAVE YOU EVER UNDERGONE SURGERY?

No, but I would like to surgically remove my 7th nipple. It's name is Cheese Nip.

WHEN YOU STUB YOUR TOE OR BUMP YOUR HEAD, WHAT DO YOU USUALLY SAY?

I usually recite the Pledge of Allegiance using tons of cuss words.

DO YOU ENJOY MAKING PEOPLE FEEL STUPID?

Nah, just pain. Intense blinding pain.

WOULD YOU RATHER SKY DIVE OR BUNGEE JUMP?

Neither. I am so afraid of heights.

ARE YOU RACIST?

No way. I hate everybody! Except you, of course.


IF AN ENTIRE STATE IN AMERICA WERE TO VANISH, WHICH DO YOU THINK WOULD NOT LIKELY BE MISSED?

Puerto Rico. It's not a state? Seeeee you ain't missin it, are ya?

HAVE YOU EVER FLUSHED A DECEASED PET DOWN THE TOILET?

A goldfish and a small hamster. I tried Napolean, my Pot belly Pig once but...

WHO ARE BETTER DRIVERS, MEN OR WOMEN?

Women dressed as men dressed as women. huh?

ARE YOU SEXIST?

No. But I do believe women should be in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant. (ha-ha Just kidding. They can wear shoes.*)

DO YOU KNOW YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD?

Yup! Well actually my green card number.


DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE SAYING "OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD" ORIGINATED?

Yes, it all started with a failed lobotomy...

ERA OYU DYXLESIC?

LLEH ON!

-RIGHT NOW-

LAST KISS:

Lips I drew on the back of my hand for practice.

LAST GOOD CRY:

When I saw Cinderella man.


LAST MOVIE SEEN ON DVD:

umm Cin-duh-rell-ahh maaaan, were you not listening? Sheesh!

LAST CUSS WORD UTTERED:

Mutherfudger!

LAST BEVERAGE DRANK:

Coke or pepsi...same difference.

LAST FOOD CONSUMED:

Homemade burgers. (Actually, it was a peanut butter and Jelly sandwich, but I pretended it was a burger.)

LAST TIME SHOWERED:

I am a bubblebath type of guy.

LAST SHOES WORN:

Buster Browns.

LAST CD PLAYED:

Hot Fuss by the Killers.

LAST ANNOYANCE:

I've been too busy to blogstalk. I.Hate.It!

LAST DISAPPOINTMENT:

Giants got massacred by the Panthers. (Even, if you don't know what I'm talking about, it still sounds cool)

LAST TIME WANTING TO DIE:

I got some lemon juice on a paper cut.

LAST TIME IN LOVE:

Since July 1975

LAST TIME HUGGED:

It wasn't so much a hug, but close to it. You see, I was getting frisked by a policeman named Bubba and...

I LOVE:

You

I HATE:

Me

I FEAR:

A bunch of stuff.

I HOPE:

You know that I appreciate you stopping by and reading this crap. Oh yeah, and for world peace.

I FEEL:

Good ...Nana nana nana na...

I DRIVE:

a silver honda civic

I MISS:

You.


Well that about does it. Are you still here? Oh yeah, the handcuffs... my bad.


Love,

Undr


PS Steal it if you want. Just leave your Driver's License until you return it. Oooooh Nice Picture! love ya, mean it!
*recycled joke for your pleasure.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

I am 19 years old and have a Plegmatic temperment. Hack Tooey! Spit!

Dear Undies :

I would like to apologize for disregarding my blog-stalking duties. As a self-employed Boiled Peanut salesman, an undefeated Thumbwrestling champion, an aspiring cult-leader, and a celebrity toenail clippings collector, I have to say my plate is full. And not just with toenail clippings. Therefore, if I have not answered a tag or your e-mails from your bedroom closet because Freddy Krueger is gonna get you, I apologize. (Don't Fall asleep!)

Anyways, here are some quizzies I stole from some of my loyal and faithful readers. If you like my quizzies, next week I'll show you my testes! (OK old joke sorry. )

I stole this quiz from Gunngirl. For all your Buffy the Vampire Slayer needs, that's Gunngirl!


here are the results of my quiz.




You Are 19 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.







What Age Do You Act?



I was surprised to see that I was as mature as a 19 year-old. I could've sworn I was a 12. Of course one of the questions wasn't; "Do you still eat paste?"

Does this mean, I can't drink Champale? D'oh!



And here is another one I done stoleded from Shannon. For those nights when you crave salads with bodily secretions... that's Shannon.
She's a funny gal. She and Superspygal are a conglomeration of beauty and funny with a dash of insanity. Which is what we call in these here parts... marriage material. So here are the results of this quiz.



You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace.
You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions.
You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected.

It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional.
You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others.
While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well.

At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything.
You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams.
You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.
What Temperment Are You?

From these results I believe I am phlegm-filled boy who sets himself up for abandonment. Again...marriage material!

If you'd like to take this quizzies go for it. If you'd like to give yourself a prostate exam...well, that one is totally up to you. Please send pictures.


Love,


Undr



PS BTW I forgot to thank you for your participation in WHWLTW and The Scary Post. As punishment for forgetting, I am whipping myself with a Kielbasa sausage in a wet sock. Thank... OW!... you... OW!... Love ya, OW! Mean it! OW! NOT THE GROIN... ok maybe a little.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Scary things that are scary

Dear Undies:


Anika, my good friend from the Sunshine state, recently posted about 10 things that scare the bejeezus out of her. Now, this may come as a shock to you, but things scare me too. Oh yeah, I am a poopie-headed scaredy cat. So without permission from Anika(I am such a rebel) I will post things that scare me too. Of course, if Anika finds out she will self-defense me till I'm cross-eyed. (Ha ha the jokes on her I am already cross-eyed.)

So here are some things that scare the tar out of me.

1. Clowns. Except for Ronald McDonald. I can take him. Stupid red-headed bastahd!

2. Burger King. Is it the neverending smile? The penetrating stare? Or the fact that he shows up in your bed unannounced? I don't know, but that guy gives me the willies! *shivers*

3. Roaches. Not your run of the mill roaches,those are usually friendly. I'm talking about those big ones. They're like as big as a dachsund(weiner dog)! Sometimes the buggers fly. Of course since I moved to Georgia, I haven't had encountered them at all. Whew!

3a Wasps. I hate them and their stupid stingyouoverandoveragain-stingers!

3b Bees. Sure they make honey... bigfrickindeal! I hope they all go straight to bee-hell!

4. Heights. I've told you this before. What? You don't remember. See you never listen to me when I'm talking. Hmph!

5. Being brutally murdered with a spoon. Not so much because I'm getting brutally murdered, but the fact that it would take a long time.

Me: Yo! Killer Dude, you done yet?

Killer: Um wait I can almost feel your jugular.

Me: Sheesh. Do you mind if I get a sandwich?

Killer: oooh ok, make mine Pastrami on Rye.

Me: whatever.

6. People with toes that are long and flexible, like fingers. You know those monkey-like people who can pick up stuff and type 3,000 word essays about the effects of the industrial revolution on the crab cake eating armadillos of the Mojave desert, and all of this with their piggies! aaaaah! Make it stop mommy! Make it stop...

7. Dying alone. (When I go, I'm taking you with me...)

8. Standing naked in my high school hallways right as the bell rings. Can you imagine this? All the kids gouging their eyes with their number 2 pencils. Not to mention, the projectile tater-tots! Yeah, this would not be good. Mr. Winky is sensitive to hot fried starchy foods.

9. Peeing in front of people. I don't mind peeing on them but in front of them...no way! Mr. Winky is pee shy!

10. Evil Robots. Like Dick Clark and Rosie from the Jetsons.

11. The dark. Hey, I can sleep with a night light if I want to. Hmph!

12. Not being loved. Don't let my evil tendencies, my heavy artillery, and my collection of rusty knives fool you.
So these are a few things that scare me. What about you? Let me know, if not the Boogey man will come after you! He will. I know him personally. We play Bridge every Thursday.
Love,
Undr
PS This post was brought to you by Anika not the Skywalker. When you need the best self-defense money can buy, Just visit Anika's Blog. While you're at it, please support the Linky-links. They scare me too. Love ya, mean it!

Saturday, January 14, 2006

WHWLTW? Friday the 13th edition on Saturday the 14th.

Dear Undies:

The week is over and you know what that means. It is time once again for everybody's favorite gastrointestinal disorder of a segment; WHWLTW? If this is your first time here, you may be wondering what in the world is WHWLTW? Well, goofball, I will tell you. WHWLTW stands for What Have We Learned This Week. It is just like the A.C.L.U. Well, not really, I have no idea what that stands for.

Anyways, this is how it works. I tell you what I learned this week and you tell me what you learned. The simplicity is almost insulting.

Let me begin. This Week, I learned...


1. ...that the star of Just Say Joe to Drugs is taking a hiatus. Dagummit Joe, say it ain't so. I think he's doing it so we take pity on him and buy the 25,000 Girl Mountie's Cookies he bought in a drug-induced frenzy. For those of you who don't know, Girl Mountie's are Canada's Girl Scouts. Besides, who likes Moose Testicle flavored cookies anyways? You know I do! Give me 17 boxes!

We'll miss ya Joey Leslie Everson!


2. ...that Angelina Jolie is pregnant. On behalf of the Underachiever's Corner Fertility Clinic Bar and Grill, I would like to congratulate Brad and Angelina. However, my sources say that Angelina was overheard referring to her adopted foreign children as "The Help". That can't be a good thing.

3. ... that Deli Workers can be creepy. Just ask Shannon. Gives a new meaning to the phrase "Hide the Salami" Funny and disturbing all at the same time. That's why I like it... a lot!


4. ...This woman went on 150 dates. Some of which included a homeless man, several non-English speakers, 10 taxi drivers, two lesbians and a mime. Which is funny, because I've went to a Bar Mitzvah with a homeless man, several non-English speaker, 10 taxi driver, two lesbians and a mime. Mimey was my favorite. After the lesbians, of course.


On a sad note, the only person she said "no" to was me. I repeatedly asked her the same question; "Is it the lip fungus? It has to be the lip fungus."

5. ...Eminem and his ex wife are getting re-married. Dude, you killed her like 700 times in your songs. Sheesh.


and that is what I learned this week. Howsaboutyou? Let me know if not make it up.

Love,


Undr


PS Have a great weekend. And remember kids, never, never talk to strangers. Unless they offer you candy. Love ya, mean it!


PPS: This post is brought to you by the Linky Links! Please stop by and tell them I sent you. If you do that you will get a box of Moose Testicle-flavored cookies. mmm mmm good!

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Why the heck do you blog?

Dear Undies:

The other day my friend Cherishy blogged about blogging. In that particular post she asked her audience of 15 million readers, "why do you blog?" At first, I looked around and said in a
Deniro-ish fashion; "You tawkin' to me?" No one answered. Which was surprising because I was in the public library.

Anyways, I decided to write about why I blog.


Let's have a looksee:

It all started on July 12th 1975. It was a cold winter's day. I reeked of baby juices and other oozy gooky icky stuff. Yes! Finally, after 29 days of labor, Undr was born. At first the doctors had to convince my mom not to throw me away and keep the placenta. (Till this day my mom says to me; "Why can't you be more like your big brother Placenty" That always stings a little bit.)

Fortunately, they drugged her and before she knew it, I was 12 years old.

Okay, maybe that is too far back.

Nah!

Where was I? Oh yes! I was 12 and at this point I had had my fill of army men stuck inside my nostrils and so I decided that it was time I made my mark on this world. I wanted to be somebody. Not just anybody but a somebody, like Yahoo Serious.









That is when I decided to start blogging. Of course, the internet had just been invented by Al Gore, so most of my original blogging was done on semi-used napkins from nice family restaurants like the "Dollhouse Gentleman's Club" , "The Shake and Grab Gentleman's club" and TGI Fridays.

Unfortunately, most of these posts are no longer legible, since I used them to clean up after eating Barbecue Spare Ribs. MMMMMM!

Then, the internet was invented in 2005 and I found a site called "BlackMenReallyHave..." um wait not that one... I meant to say Blogger. In Feb 2005 right smack in the middle of Summer I began blogging.


Anyways, the question is, why for you blog? Well, nosey, the truth is I started blogging because of an article I read in Time Magazine. Reading this article about the made me want to make an impact on this world with a thought provoking, sociopolitical, Barbecue Pop Tart recipe sharing blog. But seeing that I ain't so smart, I started writing stupid things. Stupid stuff like the crap you are currently reading. (Sorry, those 10 minutes are lost and you will never regain them. Never!)


Truthfully though, I feel that blogging is a type of therapy for me. It helps me keep my life in perspective and to make sure I don't start fires again.

The added bonus to blogging is that I have met some of the most beautiful people in the world who currently aren't porn stars. Which is pretty darn spiffy, if you ask me.



As always, Thank you for reading this steaming pile of Grade-A poop!

Love,

Undr


PS: If you haven't done so, please tell me why in the fool you blog and make sure you give credit to the one and only Cherishina! Love ya, mean it!

PPS ...or you can just stop by and say "Hello". Come on! You know you want to.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Weird things about lil ole me.

Dear Undies:

Grody jo-dee aka Sweet Mama Jama, tagged my sweet hiney. Actually, it went down like this: She drop-kicked me and put me in a head lock while her children went through my pockets. They were disapointed to find a stick of gum from 1984 and a linty raisin.

Anyways, she wanted me to tell you some weird things about me. Yeah, I know. I ain't weeerd!

Here it goes:

1. I love to make up stupid parodies of top 40 songs. Usually involving bodily functions.

For example: Kelly Clarkson's "Because of you" is transformed into a beautiful song about poo. Here are some of the lyrics:

"Because of Poo, I never stray to far from the sidewalk. Because of Poo, I learn to poop on the safe side so I don't get squirts."

(I never said they were Grammy winning. Sorry)

2. I am totally the reigning Car-Dancing Champion of the United States. I can jam like the best of them, but only when I'm driving. Anika(aka Ani Banani) is currently the Car-Dancing Champion of Canada. I can't wait till we do the International Car-Dancing Dance-a-thon in Samoa. It's going to be great.

3. I hate Brazil Nuts with a bloody passion. Damn portuguese speaking nut. Which, by the way, isn't really a nut in the first place. You are nothing but a nut impostor. Darn you to heck you evil nut from the bowels of hell! I hate you! Why can't you be more like the Cashew. Now, that is a nice God-fearing nut if I ever saw one. I shun you, Brazil nut! I.Shun.You!!

4. I can't tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi. Heck, even the generic crap taste the same to me. (I can just imagine the hate mail I'll get for this one.)

5. I love Rachel Ray. Everytime, I'm allowed to watch the show, you know when I'm not on time-out, I say "I love you" to the tv screen at 2 minute intervals each. I love you Rachel Ray! She is cooking for ME. I just know it. *twitching* *drooling*



Oh yeah, I am a wacko. If you'd like to know more of my weird habits, just read this blog.

Love,


Undr
PS thanks for talking to me. It sure beats the voices in my head. They are so rude. Love ya, mean it!
PPS Shannon and Superspygal there is no need to fight. There is enough of me to go around. Or maybe even Chauncey my janitor. He is Half Ucranian!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

He-Man...By the power of Brokeback Mountain!


editors note: My New York Giants got creamed! However, I was happy to see the Steelers won. Anyways, I hope everyone's weekend was great. Thank you for helping me out with WHWLTW? Dewey gets extra credit this week for doing WHWLTW at her blog. 75 points for Deweylicious! Eh what the heck we'll make it a hundred!

ok now let's get wacky!


Dear Undies:


I received thousands of emails, hundreds of letter bombs and 375 Post-It-Notes, because I wrote last week that He-Man is gay. Now, I know this is a touchy subject. Possibly even a gropey one. The point is, some of you don’t like the idea that He-Man is gay. I figure it’s because you always wanted, deep in your heart, for She-Ra and He-Man to get married. Sort of like you wanted Donnie and Marie Osmond to get it on. But let me tell you, it just ain't gonna happen. Maybe Donnie and Marie,*crosses finger*. Besides, She-Ra is happy coaching a girl’s softball team, aptly named the Westchester Wenches, with her “friends” Xena Warrior Princess and Chastity “Butchy” Bono. But I digress.

He-Man himself wasn’t too thrilled with me “outing” him. That is why he came to my house on Sunday right after his church of Scientology meeting. Needless to say He was pretty upset.

It’s a good thing I always have a court reporter on staff to record my conversations.

Here is a transcript of my Meeting with He-Man.


Undr: Hey, He-Man. Nice Metal Chest Plate. Are those short-shorts wooly mammoth or sabre-tooth tiger?

He-Man: I am going to KILL you.

Undr: Ha-ha but you’re in Action Figure form. What are you like 9 inches tall?

This is the part when He-Man proceeds to smack me upside the head with the court reporter (97 year-old Marjorie) and her mini-typewriter. I was amazed at the strength he had. Not to mention his Kung-Fu grip.

After I regained consciousness, He made his famous He-Man-garitas and Chicken Frittatas and we chatted up a storm. Apparently, he and Skeletor were an item once. They purchased a small Castle named Gray Skull. They had dreams of making it a quaint Bed and Breakfast. However, their dreams began to crumble when Skeletor became so distant and grumpy. Then he gave the “I need some space and by the way I never liked your wooly daisy dukes and your stupid haircut” speech.

As He-Man is telling me this, we were both crying and knee deep in a vat of cookie dough flavored cookie dough watching the Lifetime Network’s 2 days of Estrogen-laden Movies Movie Marathon. (The best movie was the one where the husband was all bad and stuff. Yeah I know, that narrows it down...)

So, there you have it. The real reason Skeletor and He-Man are mortal enemies. It’s simply a lover’s quarrel. You add a dispute over a house,which Skeletor didn’t give one red cent for, and a guy named Beastman and you know there’s gonna be some drama for your Mama, maybe even for your Papa, your Opa and Your Oma.


Umm I also have my doubts about Ram-man.

Yeah, his name gives him away.



Love,

Undr

PS: Here is a picture of NO-l's favorite Master's of the Universe Character: Orko. (Also, gay.)

Love ya, mean it!

PPS: If you'd like to take a trip down Grayskull lane this is a cool site.


PPPS: Umm yeah, I started writing this at 4am on a Pixie sticks high. sorry. Still love ya, still mean it!

Saturday, January 07, 2006

WHWLTW 2006

Dear Undies,

I hope everyone is doing ok. This is the first WHWLTW of the 2006 season and let me just say I am as happy as a wildebeast on crack.

Some of the new readers are probably asking themselves; What in the Hello Kitty is WHWLTW? Some of the veteran readers might be asking, why am I still reading this crap? And some of the other folks are asking themselves why do my fingers smell icky afterI scratch my armpits?

Well, to answer the first question, WHWLTW is a segment we cherish here at the Underachiever's Corner Laser Hair Removal Center and Grill. It stands for What Have We Learned This Week. Contrary to popular belief, a virginal sacrifice is not required. We accept the occasional skank too. We are totally into Equal Opportunity Human Sacrifices.

Anyways, you also may be wondering how this works. The equation is as follows:

I tell you what I learned and you tell me what you learned. Simple, yet so complex.

So, here is what I learned this week:

1. Spygal is looking to change careers. Apparently, her gig as a gangsta rapper didn't pan out. I told her not to rap Neil Diamond songs. "Sweet Caroline, Yo, Yo, Yo! Where my money Ho?"

umm I'll be in my room if you need me. I am so grounded.


2. Apparently, I snore. Brownie, my gay chihuahua, whose rap name is B-Giddy, made me aware of this. He woke me up in the middle of the night and told me in a high pitched nasal voice and a lisp; "Thtop Thnoring Thtupid!" My first thought was, I will never eat a Fruit Loop found under the cushion of a previously owned couch. Secondly, I figure I should do something about the snoring. I bought those Breathe Right Strips. Which I thought you ate like chewing gum. Who knew? After reading the directions I wore the strip on my nose and prayed that I would never be seen wearing this thing. However, I think they actually work because Brownie hasn't said anything since. Except, "Oooh Girl, you so funnay!"

3. Jamaica is the New Murder Capitol of the World. Wow, what does Flint, Michigan have going for them now?

4. There is going to be a He-Man movie. For those of you who don't know He-Man, he is the one the first ambiguously gay superheroes. By the Power of Gayskull!



5. And lastly I learned that the movie Brokeback Mountain is not the Western I was hoping for.


Well, kids, these are a few of the lessons learned this past week. What did you learn? Let me know, if not make it up.


Love,


Undr

PS Thanks for your comments, compliments and creepy messages. Have a great weekend. Love ya, mean it!

PPS: Go New York Giants!

Friday, January 06, 2006

Inside the actor's Studio

Dear Undies:

Here is an excerpt of my interview on "Inside the Actor's Studio with James Lipton" For those of you who have never seen this show(99% of the Population) This is an interview show with famous Celebrities. I was surprised when I was invited. Seeing as the only movies I've starred in were the Made-For-Television-After School-Specials, "Don't Sniff the Wite-Out" , the controversial sequel: "I Done Told You Not To Sniff the Wite-out, Daggumitt!" and who can forget, "The Epilady is not a toy"

Nonetheless, I was honored to be invited. Apparently, Pauly Shore, Pee-wee Herman and Lambchop the Handpuppet canceled due to either their lack of talent or their lack of hand-up-their butt. You can understand why I was the obvious choice. If you do, let me know.

Allow me to let you read a snippet of the inteview.




James Lipton: Welcome, Undr, to Inside the Actor's Studio.

Undr: Thanks Jim.

James Lipton: Umm dude, it's James. Or Mr. Lipton.

Undr: Whatever.

James Lipton: We are happy to have such a renowed Made-For-Television Movie-After-School-Special-Stand-in Actor.

Undr: It is an honor to be here. May I touch your Chuck Norris-like Beard?

James Lipton: Umm ...no.

Undr: Come on! Just a little tug.

James Lipton: Oh alright! I can't say no to you.

Undr: Saaaaaweeeeeet!

James Lipton: OW!

Undr: Sorry. I just love your beard. You may want to get some gauze.

James Lipton: I'll be fine. You know, I give my beard luster by grooming it with a spork.

Undr: Oh, what a coincidence! That's how I groom my back hair.


(Awkward silence.)




James Lipton: Aaaanyways, tell me about your new Movie: "Please Don't Touch My Christian Parts!"

Undr: It is a ten second mini-made-for-tv-movie about a Dog, played by me, who doesn't want to be neutered. It's a very heart-warming film.

James Lipton: That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard. But it does sound better than Glitter.


Undr: You know, James, I was told by Mr. Spielberg that I was a natural. He said I was born to play this role.

James Lipton: Wow! You spoke to Steven Spielberg?

Undr: No, not Steven Spielberg. Ira Spielberg. He is my Agent and Dry Cleaner.

James Lipton: Ok, this interview is going to hell in a handbasket, so I will wrap this up and make room for the Queer Eye Guys. As you know, I ask the real Actors 10 questions while I pretend I make out with them in my head. I figure, I should do the same to you without the daydream, of course.

so, Undr, here are my 10 stupid questions.


JL: 01 What is your favourite word?

U: Kumquat. It sounds soooo duuurty!

JL: 02 What is your least favourite word?

U: Engorged. Ick!

JL: 03 What turns you on?

U: Laughter.

JL: 04 What turns you off?

U: Selfishness. (Is that even a word?)

JL: 05 What sound do you love?

U: Laughter


JL: 06 What sound do you hate?

U: Fingernails against a chalkboard. Oh yeah and the The Nanny's Fran Drescher.

JL: 07 What is your favourite curse word?

U: Son-of-a-motherless-goat and Booger-eating-poopie-stinky-head.

JL: 08 what profession other than yours would you like to attempt?

U: Musician. I would play a mean Oboe!

JL: 09 What profession would you not like to participate in?

U: Port-a-Potty-Sniffer.

JL: 10 If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say to you when you arrive at the pearly gates?

U: "Wow, You look much thinner up close. Just kidding. Right this way lard-ass."



Undr: Thanks James..... uh James? Oh no the Queer Eye guys are here. Help! They're making me wear a rainbow chiffon scarf with a matching fez!

Hmm. It doesn't look half-bad, come to think of it.


Thanks for reading my interview. If you'd like a full transcript, please write me and send an envelope with $100 in untraceable nickels. Thanks.

Love,


Undr

PS Take this test and see which celebrity's personality profile fits you best. I was Antonio Banderas. Which is quite the coincidence, since I have been told I look like his elbow. Love ya, mean it!


PPS: Or just answer the 10 questions. Either way let me know.


PPPPS: By the way, I know there's something very wrong with me. I ain't right!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

songs in my head

Dear Undies:

First off, let me start by saying, thanks for visiting and reading this crap. I have a been doing a P&G lately. You know, "Post and Go." I've been very busy at the boiled peanut stand this week. We are currently try to merge with a Roasted Pecans stand. So please forgive my lack of blogstalking and regular stalking for that matter. So please let me soothe you with the musical stylings of Neil Diamond. erm... what, Who wrote that? Here is a song in my widdle head.


Now, this is a song that I love. And by love, I mean that I would totally try to get to second base with it, at least.

Stereophonics

Dakota Lyrics



Thinking about thinking of you
Summertime think it was June
Yeah think it was June
Laying back, head on the grass
Children grown having some laughs
Yeah having some laughs.

You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one
You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

Drinking back, drinking for two
Drinking with you
And drinking was new
Sleeping in the back of my car
We never went far
Needed to go far

You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one
You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

I don’t know where we are going now
I don’t know where we are going now

Wake up cold coffee and juice
Remembering you
What happened to you?
I wonder if we’ll meet again
Talk about us instead
Talk about why did it end

You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one
You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

I don’t know where we are going now
I don’t know where we are going now

So take a look at me now


Love,


Undr




ps Sweet Caroliiiine! Love ya, mean it!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

I am eeeeeeevil! Well, barely.

Dear Undies,

I hope everyone is ok. I figure you still have alcohol seeping from your pores, so I will keep this sort and sweet. Let's start by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, the Gettysburg Address and sing Inagaddavita(the extended remix) by Iron Butterfly in Hebrew. Anyways, let me just say, that I appreciate your comments and welcome all the new readers. Like Tina. Sorry Tini, you are hooked to the hallucinogenic drug they call Undr. Side effects include but are not limited to; blurred visions, itchy scalp, burning sensation in your eyelids and a consistent desire to add lyrics to "Dueling Banjos" and singing it with all your heart. Unfortunately, Cherish, this means you have to work a little bit more. Surry!

Ok, now that that's over, here is a quizzie. I am so evil,well not really. I am the underachiever, remember?





How evil are you?
Love,
Undr(twisted)
PS Please feel free to take this quiz and find out what I may already know about you. Love ya, mean it!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

In '06 I will try something new. How'sabout a Meme?

Dear Undies:

Well, another year is upon us and I decided to turn over a new leaf. (mmm turnovers are good. Aren't they?) Therefore this year, I will shamelessly do a meme. Oh yeah, I know I did them last year, but this year, I'm doing them shamelessly. So here is the first meme of the 06 season. Maybe you would like to do it to? (hehe I said "do it")


Undr's 06 meme of the year 2006:


1.Who was the first person u talked to in 06?
My Parole Officer

2. The first person you hugged?
Chimichanga Washington. She is 700lbs of love... and doughnuts.

3. The first person you called?
Mommy!

4. The first person you texted?
I don't text.

5. The first drink you drank?
Champale

6. The first person that called you?
Sister.

7. The first person that texted you?
Nobody.

8. Have you talked to all of your bloggy buddies yet?
No, I am quilting a "I heart you" blanket from the fur of 23,000 imported New York City Rats.

9. Has any of your bloggy buddies talked to you?
Yes. Especially the ones that don't want the "I Heart You" blanket.

10. Who was the 1st person to hang up on you?
Mommy. But she didn't mean it. When she say's "I hate you Undr" she really means she loves me. I hope!

11. What was the first thing you watched on tv?
A very interesting informercial about a painless hair removal system. It was called the "Rip and Scar Hair Removal System". Also used to remove rust and barnacles from Cargo Ships. All for 25 installments of $29.99. So you know I got two!

12. Who was the first person you thought of?
You.

13. What was the first thing you ate?
Pigs in a blanket. (AKA: peepee looking thingys)

14. What were you wearing at midnight?
Sweater and Jeans.

15. Who was the first person you kissed?
Janitor Phil. I should have never closed my eyes.

There you have it.

Love,

Undr

PS You know if you care to do this, you may. Just remember to leave the toilet seat up. Love ya, mean it!

Double PS with Champagne: Thanks for your particpation in WHWLTY? You guys are da' bombdiggity!

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