Friday, January 06, 2006

Inside the actor's Studio

Dear Undies:

Here is an excerpt of my interview on "Inside the Actor's Studio with James Lipton" For those of you who have never seen this show(99% of the Population) This is an interview show with famous Celebrities. I was surprised when I was invited. Seeing as the only movies I've starred in were the Made-For-Television-After School-Specials, "Don't Sniff the Wite-Out" , the controversial sequel: "I Done Told You Not To Sniff the Wite-out, Daggumitt!" and who can forget, "The Epilady is not a toy"

Nonetheless, I was honored to be invited. Apparently, Pauly Shore, Pee-wee Herman and Lambchop the Handpuppet canceled due to either their lack of talent or their lack of hand-up-their butt. You can understand why I was the obvious choice. If you do, let me know.

Allow me to let you read a snippet of the inteview.

James Lipton: Welcome, Undr, to Inside the Actor's Studio.

Undr: Thanks Jim.

James Lipton: Umm dude, it's James. Or Mr. Lipton.

Undr: Whatever.

James Lipton: We are happy to have such a renowed Made-For-Television Movie-After-School-Special-Stand-in Actor.

Undr: It is an honor to be here. May I touch your Chuck Norris-like Beard?

James Lipton: Umm

Undr: Come on! Just a little tug.

James Lipton: Oh alright! I can't say no to you.

Undr: Saaaaaweeeeeet!

James Lipton: OW!

Undr: Sorry. I just love your beard. You may want to get some gauze.

James Lipton: I'll be fine. You know, I give my beard luster by grooming it with a spork.

Undr: Oh, what a coincidence! That's how I groom my back hair.

(Awkward silence.)

James Lipton: Aaaanyways, tell me about your new Movie: "Please Don't Touch My Christian Parts!"

Undr: It is a ten second mini-made-for-tv-movie about a Dog, played by me, who doesn't want to be neutered. It's a very heart-warming film.

James Lipton: That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard. But it does sound better than Glitter.

Undr: You know, James, I was told by Mr. Spielberg that I was a natural. He said I was born to play this role.

James Lipton: Wow! You spoke to Steven Spielberg?

Undr: No, not Steven Spielberg. Ira Spielberg. He is my Agent and Dry Cleaner.

James Lipton: Ok, this interview is going to hell in a handbasket, so I will wrap this up and make room for the Queer Eye Guys. As you know, I ask the real Actors 10 questions while I pretend I make out with them in my head. I figure, I should do the same to you without the daydream, of course.

so, Undr, here are my 10 stupid questions.

JL: 01 What is your favourite word?

U: Kumquat. It sounds soooo duuurty!

JL: 02 What is your least favourite word?

U: Engorged. Ick!

JL: 03 What turns you on?

U: Laughter.

JL: 04 What turns you off?

U: Selfishness. (Is that even a word?)

JL: 05 What sound do you love?

U: Laughter

JL: 06 What sound do you hate?

U: Fingernails against a chalkboard. Oh yeah and the The Nanny's Fran Drescher.

JL: 07 What is your favourite curse word?

U: Son-of-a-motherless-goat and Booger-eating-poopie-stinky-head.

JL: 08 what profession other than yours would you like to attempt?

U: Musician. I would play a mean Oboe!

JL: 09 What profession would you not like to participate in?

U: Port-a-Potty-Sniffer.

JL: 10 If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say to you when you arrive at the pearly gates?

U: "Wow, You look much thinner up close. Just kidding. Right this way lard-ass."

Undr: Thanks James..... uh James? Oh no the Queer Eye guys are here. Help! They're making me wear a rainbow chiffon scarf with a matching fez!

Hmm. It doesn't look half-bad, come to think of it.

Thanks for reading my interview. If you'd like a full transcript, please write me and send an envelope with $100 in untraceable nickels. Thanks.



PS Take this test and see which celebrity's personality profile fits you best. I was Antonio Banderas. Which is quite the coincidence, since I have been told I look like his elbow. Love ya, mean it!

PPS: Or just answer the 10 questions. Either way let me know.

PPPPS: By the way, I know there's something very wrong with me. I ain't right!


At 2:20 AM, January 06, 2006, Blogger notjoecheese said...

I was Laurence Fishburn, which makes sense seeing as how we're both attractive, black people with deep resonant voices. Also, I make a lot of money, many people know who I am, and I starred in The Matrix, so we got that in common as well. (I wonder if he's a pathological liar as well.)

At 4:04 AM, January 06, 2006, Blogger DelBoy said...

Mike Myers for me... must be that I like to make people laugh!??!?

At 7:42 AM, January 06, 2006, Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

Morning Undroo! You know it is going to be a good day when you are getting your daily fix of humor and you take a big drink of coffee and you read "They're making me wear a rainbow chiffon scarf with a matching fez." then you laugh while drinking and coffee comes out of your nose. Thanks for the laughs this morning. Now I gotta go clean off the puter. :) Lindy-Lin
Oh yeah I was Meg Ryan!!! I love her movies!

At 8:38 AM, January 06, 2006, Blogger Liz said...

I took the test 2x...once with each set of stars. The first time I am Hugh Grant...probably because I like $10 ho-ares. The second time I am Helen Hunt...a much better representation of me! Funny, beautiful and able to hang on to leather straps while a category 5 tornado whirls around me.

Have a nice weekend!
-smiles - lt

At 10:46 AM, January 06, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm Carol Burnett which fits since I'm a natural red head.

At 11:16 AM, January 06, 2006, Blogger Shannon said...

I was Sharon Stone... Hmmmm.. stop thinking that way Undie!! And nooo I will not wear that skirt or do that with my legs!! Shame on you!! *Pssst talk to me after the show*..

Anyways.. You are hysterical!! That was too funny!!! =)

At 12:18 PM, January 06, 2006, Blogger Acecold said...

my favorite actor's studio is the one with Screech....or was that SNL?

anyways, I was Hugh

At 12:19 PM, January 06, 2006, Blogger cherish said...

I love that show!!! James Lipton is awesome!!!

I was Sarah Jessica Parker! I WISH!!!

At 12:33 PM, January 06, 2006, Blogger Terri said...

Erm... I was Sharon Stone too. Don't know what I'm gonna do with that information yet.

At 12:50 PM, January 06, 2006, Blogger Gareth said...

I have never heard of this show lol.
I was Bruce Willis, go me!

At 1:05 PM, January 06, 2006, Blogger Ben O. said...

Dude - good stuff. That Jimmy Lipton wants to be an actor so bad it hurts to watch sometimes.

He sure does lap it up alright. I like the show, though for some unknown reason.

I think they should do Mickey Rourke.

Ben O.

At 1:53 PM, January 06, 2006, Blogger SuperSpyGal said...

I'm Ellen Barkin !!....well, not ME per-say, but my personality is....apparently, I suppose...maybe...Does this mean I'm married to the Revlon dude?? !!...
free make-overs for everyone !!

At 1:57 PM, January 06, 2006, Blogger gunngirl said...

I was Huge Grant. What the hell? I said I was a female. SIGH.

At 2:29 PM, January 06, 2006, Blogger Tina said...

Hahaha nah there's nothin wrong with ya! I think you are perfectly funny! Sooo, I'm "Stockard Channing" that chick from Grease...wth.

Also, I must be that 1% that watch the show...I love it when I can catch it! Robin Williams was a must see. :)

At 3:40 PM, January 06, 2006, Blogger J- said...

I'm Kevin Costner. It's true, cuz I built it and they came and danced with wolves, until the Postman arrived and ruined the whole thing! He must have been canadian.

Seriously though, does that mean that I'm washed up??

At 4:02 PM, January 06, 2006, Blogger Tina said...

tks for the link undie! I got ya too ;)

Whats the Schmidt part or am I having a brain fart? lol

At 4:27 PM, January 06, 2006, Blogger anika said...

That was an amazing tell-all interview, Undr. I feel like I really know you now :)

At 11:12 PM, January 06, 2006, Blogger Sherry said...

You said you aint right...

When people tell me that, I take it as a compliment!

At 11:52 PM, January 08, 2006, Blogger Sadie Lou said...


20pts. for using the word poopie. *sniff* Love that word too and loved this post.


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