Friday, March 31, 2006

Update!

Dear Undies:

My diet is going well. I have only hurt two old ladies in a non-carb-nonfat-non-food rage. Just a little, though. Sorry, Mrs. Hoffenheimer and Mrs. Bloombergerwitz.

Anyways, just a quick update. Tonight I'm going to a basketball game. Tommorrow I will be at my first hockey game! Yahoooo!

Don't worry I'm takin' all my lovely blog girls in cardboard cut-out form. Yes, and I will get you a coke and hot dog. None for me, though, I'll just have a wood flavored rice cake.

Love,

Undr

PS Love ya, mean it!

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Ebay love...is there any other kind?

Dear Undies:

Thanks for your dieting advice. I feel so pumped about losing weight that I just rented Richard Simmons' "Sweatin' to the Soothing Sounds of Michael Bolton as sung by William Shatner". Granted it hasn't made we want to excercise. But it does make me want to vomit. Hey, that works too!

Anyways, this young lady, an entrepenuer of sorts, has tried to sell herself on ebay to pay for college.

Huh, all I did was visit the local fertility clinic. (If you're wondering, I never got paid. But there a bunch of little kids that look like me...coincidence?)



I know what you're thinking, she sorta looks like Anna Nicole Smith's left boob. But who am I to judge? I guess a girl needs to eat and go to school. So for the love of Mike, please take this young lady out on a date and who knows? She might even mug you.

Of course, I would date her but I'm Baaaa-roke and I look like Anna Nicole's Right boob...the ugly one.

love

Undr

PS while you're on ebay you may want to look at my collection of celebrity belly button lint. You should see David Hasselhoff's it looks like Condoleeza Rice. Love ya, mean it!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Maybe it should be re-titled "6 Ways to get stabbed in the eye and get your pee-pee chopped off."

Dear Undies:

Umm this guy is asking for trouble. He writes 6 ways of telling your girlfriend/lover/wife/30 minute hooker, that she's put on a little weight.

"1- "I don't like the way that outfit looks on you anymore."
Every woman has a go-to getup. If you don't know it, you don't know her well enough to discuss her flabby stomach. The only thing that could ever change the way an outfit looks is the way it fits. Tell her you aren't sure why it looks odd, suggest a looser knit, and watch her forever skip the nachos with cheese.

2- "I can't get over how fat I feel."
Women have been commiserating with each other for eons about the thickness of their thighs. If you launch a pity-party of your own about how heavy you feel, and let her know at every turn, she'll become fat-obsessed by osmosis. Women have been doing it to each other since the dawn of public washrooms.

3- "Your friend isn't nearly as attractive since she gained that weight."
Be careful. Delivery is everything. Pick her homeliest friend and let your most outrageous BS fly. Pick an attractive pal, and you'll be explaining your wandering eye till you give her a ring. Focus on the improbable target, and she'll be thinking that if you find her bookworm buddy hefty, perhaps a diet should be on her docket.


4- "I have a new female trainer at the gym."
She'll never suggest fewer trips to the gym, but it will drive her bonkers to think that another woman is spotting your squat thrusts. She'll sign up and show up within 24 hours just to keep an eye on you.

5- "The saleswoman said it was for smaller women."
If you want your baby to shed some baby fat, spend a couple of bucks on a nice little fashion piece a couple of sizes out of her reach. If she is thin in your eyes, and the only thing telling her otherwise is a piece of clothing, she'll work morning, noon and night to fit into that cursed thing.

6- "Let's help each other lose a couple of pounds?"
Let's face it. If you tell your girlfriend to lose some weight, she'll withdraw your all-access pass to her wonderful folds. But an honest commitment to work together to become fitter and shed some unwanted girth can only be met with the excitement that your investment in her is the same as what she is willing to invest in you. Losing weight is no small task. Make her sure you're worth it. "


I guess this guy wants to be stabbed repeatedly with an epilady or something. Sheesh!

Anyways, I have to let you know that today I am officially starting my diet. I figure if I want to be the next David Hasselhoff, I have to do something about my widdle belly.

Let me give you a brief overview of today's menu.

Breakfast

One lonely lonely pear. (it tasted like an old shoe that was floating on a diaper in the sewer)

Lunch

Chicken salad with lo fat salad dressing.(this tasted like roadkill with a hint of grass)

Dinner:

I will be having a tuna salad with almonds and lo fat ranch dressing(I assume this will taste fishy and ranchy but in a low fat type of way.)

Midnight Snack:

A half glass of distilled water. (only half cuz I may wet the bed)

2 am snack

Not really any food but by this time I will be having some major withdrawal symptoms which normally involve me eating my socks.

Honestly, what I really want to have is...

...A Gummy bear chocolate ice cream with fudge and cookies salad. (est. calories 123,999 and 158 grams of fat per serving. 8 servings per salad.) All this while sitting in a bathtub full of whip cream and nachos.

So as you see, It's gonna be a long and winding and bingeing and purging road.

To tell you the truth, I'm not that overweight. I just want to be healthy and ready for an Undr Thong Bikini Summer.

So I figure if I lose at least a pound every two months I should be ok by the time I'm sixty. Which is cool cuz that's when they allow you on nude beaches anyways.

So, my fellow undrians, it's time for Undr's Diet. Wish me skinny!

Love,

undr(3ft tall and 765 pounds of love and flab)

PS Have I told you lately that I love you? Love ya, mean it!

Double PS and a South Beach Diet Granola Bar: Any diet suggestions? Let me know.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

WHWLTW? Ok so I'm late. Sue me!

Dear Undies:


It’s time once again for WHWLTW? It’s just like that rash on your hiney that won’t go away. “WHWLTW?” is an acronym for What Have We Learned This Week?

And the way it works is simple. I tell you what I learned and then you tell me. It’s so simple a monkey with a P.H.D. in Poop Eating could figure it out.

Anyways, this is what I learned this week...

1. My job is taking up too much of my “me” time. The butt groove(gluteus indentation) in my couch is actually coming apart. It took me a good 15 years to make it “just right!”

2. There is an
exhibit to commemorate Britney Spears’ fertility. Honestly, I just thought she was a Grade A skank, which is a feat in itself. Go figure!

(One is a smelly hairy beast with fangs and the other is a bear skin rug. You make the call.)


Here’s are some more pics. I don’t know if they're safe for work but you may want to gouge your eyes out with a spoon afterwards. I know I did.

3. At the age of 30, I can still produce a zit the size of Texas on my cheek. What the heck is up with that? Actually, I think it’s my Siamese twin finally rearing his ugly head. I will name him Pimply Pimpletonsteinheimerschmidt. I tell you what...That’s the last time I eat chocolate and cheese smothered Oreos and Bacon wrapped lard .

4. and finally, I’m a big meanie pants. Thanks Shannon! umm wait a minute!

Well, that’s about it. What about you? Let me know, if not make it up!

Love,

Undrini Meanie


PS I promise I will get around to commenting on all your wonderful blogs. Just a bit busy, is all. Love ya, mean it!

Friday, March 24, 2006

Undr's Advice O' the Day

Dear Undies:

When at a Funeral, do not, I repeat, do not start a conversation with the question: "Do you know what I like about dirty monkey love?"

Everyone will turn and gasp in unison.

I'm just saying is all.


Love,

Undr(I'm like Dear Abby but with a pee-pee)

PS Do you have any advice for me? Let me know. I need all the help I can get! Love ya, mean it!

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Is it getting hot in here?

Dear Undies:

Ummm...



Your Famous Movie Kiss is from Cruel Intentions


"I'm the only girl you can't have, and it kills you."

Ewww Germs! Sexy Lesbian Love Germs!

What Famous Movie Kiss Are You?




Love,

Undr

PS Love ya, mean it!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Heh-heh I stole this from Anika, and shee doont knoow it!

Dear Undies:

Since I was away for a few weeks I figured most of you have forgotten the little things about me that make me creepy. So, to help all you cute little amnesiacs, here is a little meme for youyou.

Please read on...


1.Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Yes. Although I've never had a cavity search. Well except that time in gym class. Mrs. Butchy was kinda weird now that I think about it.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
Yes. Especially the Dumbo ride. SCAAAARY!

3. When was the last time you went sleigh riding?
Not since that sleigh ride-by where they gunned down the Easter bunny.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
I like to sleep with someone. That's why I keep Corspey McCorpse in my closet. Sure he reeks of Formaldehyde, but doesn't everybody?

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
No

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
Yes. Here is a poem.

Do not use Nair
Do not use Nair
Especially on your Hairs,
Down there.
Ouchies!

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
No but he did borrow my knife and never gave it back....hmm?

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
I will be the ham in that sammich anyday. They could spread me like strawberry jam on toast. They could cover me in mayonnaisse and call me tuna. They could...ok this maybe getting a leeetle creepy.

9. Can you honestly say you know anything about politics?
I am a Repubocrat Commie.

10. Do you know how to play poker?
No. But I challenge anyone to Strip Old Maid.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
I don't know.

12. Do you kill bugs that are in the house?
You betcha. I kill all bugs! They must Die. Are parakeets bugs? No? D'oh!

13. Have you ever cheated on a test?
Yes. I would make a cheat sheet and eat the evidence afterwards. Luckily, I always used fruit roll ups.

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around, do you go through red lights?

No. I drive naked though. Who knew it was illegal? Of course, I do drive a moped.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
A few. One involving Corpsey McCorpse.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
YAAANKEEEES! Even when they suck! I despise the Red Sox like I despise that weird rash I have on my bottom.

17. Have you ever ice skated?
Yes. I can't ice skate though. I didn't know Ice Skating was on the Canadian Citizenship Exam. D'oh!

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
Sometimes. Especially the ones involving Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. They can spread me like peanut butter on pumpernickel bread...

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you were crying?
It's been a while.

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?
Eleanor Rigby, Can't Buy me love, Hey Jude, I wanna hold your hand, Boyz N the Hood, My Humps.

21. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Unfortunately, yesh!

22. Do you know who BaBa Booey is?
Yup.

23. Do you always wear your seat belt?
Yuppie-yup.

24. What talent do you wish you had?
I wish I was a talented guitar player.

25. Do you like Sushi?
Yup

26. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?
Yup.

27. What do you wear to bed?
Depends on how tired I am.

28. Have you ever been caught stealing?
Yes. I was never arrested though. The store owner did give me a cavity search. He was kind weird, now that I think about it.

29. Does size matter?
Size? Of course not. All the girls I've been with say they laugh because they're happy...ummm...Wait a minute!

30. Do you truly hate anyone?
Yes, that stupid Dyson Vaccuum guy. I hope he gets explosive colon rupturing diarhea

31. Rock and Roll or Rap?
Rock and Roll! I don't hate rap.

32. Do you have a relative in prison?
No. Well, I have an ex. He was my cell mate. I miss you Twinkles!

33. Have you ever sung in front of the mirror like your favorite singer?
Duh, Barry Manilow!

34. Do you know how to play chess?
Sort of. I just throw the pieces at the other player and I run away.

35. What food do you find disgusting?
Broccoli and most vegetables and poop.

36. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours?"
Yup. Again, it was with my gym teacher. She was kinda weird.

37. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
Nah.

38. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
Yes.

39. Have you ever been punched in the face?
Yes. Darn You Susie Higginbottam!

40. When is the last time you threw up from drinking too much?
2005

41. Have you ever walked out on a movie at the theater?
Yes. Even at my house. I just left and came back when the movie was over.

42. Do you ever sit through a bad movie, just to see how bad it got?
Yes.

43. Would you consider yourself obsessed with anything/anyone?
Nope. *polishing my collection of angelina jolie's toe nails*

44. Have you ever met someone famous?
Yes. The Maytag Man's Cousin's Next Door Neighbor's Gardener's Oven Mitt.

45. Have you ever been stood up?
No.


46. When's the last time you screamed at the top of your lungs?
In the shower. "No Tears" Shampoo, my butt!

47. Did you ever do something that you didn't want to, but did anyway just to fit in?
Yes. I got stuck traveling the world as a Riverdance groupie. Talk about cavity searches...



Thanks for stopping by. Remember that's "Underachiever's Corner" Where, you come for the Boingy you stay for the Poop!

love,

Undr

PS I hope everyone has a great day. Love ya, mean it!

Monday, March 20, 2006

WHWLTW? Can I get a "Boingy!?"

Dear Undies,

First off, I'd like to thank my fellow Undrians for stopping by and saying hello, despite my brief hiatus. I guess you must have felt like someone who constantly visits a comatose patient. (The smell of stale urine, included. Of course, that was there from way before.)

Anyways, thanks again for giving me an Undr's Corner record setting 31 Comments. The highest I ever had since I said that I was the offspring of a Pygmy warrior and a leprechaun. Those little pygmies are sure feisty.

Well, on with the putrid mix of poop and stupidity!

This week's WHWLTW? is brought to you by the Dominican Republic. (Advertising is part of a plea bargain for urinating on the Dominican President's lawn. Sorry El Dude-o!)

For those of you who have forgotten, WHWLTW? stands for What Have We Learned This Week?

I learned...

1. Don't drink the water... from a rusty can from the side of the road.


2. A whole new meaning to the expression Show me your mangos!


3. Most of the stuff I learned is pretty much a haze.

4. I'll caught up all your posts by the year 2017. Thus, your other assignment will be to give me a brief synopsis of what's been going on in your neck of the woods. For those of you who may be a little slow, you must do WHWLTW? and a Brief 2500 word essay on whatcha been doin' while I've been gone. Strangely, I did notice that some of my underwear was missing. So whoever took my commemorative Mary Lou Retton G-String, give it back.


That is what I sorta learned this week, how's about you? Let me know, if not make it up!

Love,

Undr

PS By the way, I am a converted Tighty-whitey's man.Missed ya, mean it!

Saturday, March 04, 2006

WHWLTW? and WDYLWUWG?

Editor's Note:

Dear Undies:

For the next 2 weeks, I will not be around. No, It's not a hiatus to find my inner child, who by the way owes me money. (Darn you Inner-Undr!) Actually, next week I will be in a Self-Help Seminar. It's the "Stop Whining you Whiney Bastard!" Seminar. It is from the Creators of other great Self help Seminars like "That's Right You Are a Loser!" and "Will You Just Shut the Hell Up and Get out of my Face!"

I will be back to my self-loathing self in no time.

And the following week, I will be taking a quick vacation in the Caribbean. Don't worry I will bring you a "Undr Went to the Caribbean and all he got was this lousy crotch lice" T-Shirt, for everyone of ya.

Anyways, The show must go on!


Love,

Undr

PS: I ain't done yet!




Dear Undies:

Another week has hit us like a ton of bricks in the groin. It is time for WHWLTW? What in the Hellman's mayonnaise is that? Well, I'll tell you. It stands for none other that What Have We Learned This Week? It's a weekly post that I do every week, weekly. It works like this: I tell you what I learned and then you do the same. You got it? Good?

This Week I learned:




1. Biting people in a club is not appropriate. Is nibbling wrong too? How about gnawing?(Thanks Shannon!)

2. There has been a lot of 80's and 90's talk around blogolia this week.
That is why I am going to tell you the things I remember about the 80's and maybe the 90's. (This is particularly difficult because that era is very hazy to me. I mixed Pop Rocks and Coke to many times.)


I remember Romper Room

I remember "The very special "Different Strokes" when Dudley, Arnold's friend is molested by the Maytag Man.

I remember having a crush on Punky Brewster.

I remember Silver Spoons. I wanted to be Ricky Schroeder so bad!

I remember Solid Gold

I remember New Coke

I remember Falling in love w music

I remember The Challenger Tragedy

I remember Trapper Keepers

I remember the Miami Sound Machine. (Come and shake your body baby do that conga!)

I remember Lionel Richie

I remember Genesis,

I remember "My Adidas"


I remember Gremlins

I remember PeeWee's playhouse, (Meka leka hi meka hiney ho!)

ok I'll stop now.


now where was I? Ah yes...I also learned...


3. That I can never ever eat crinkle French fries AGAIN! Let me explain. I was waiting to get my haircut at the local Massacres R' Us Hairstylist. (Note: I have a don't usually go to these places, but my normal Barber was out of town. Darn you Indian Reservation Casinos!)

So, while I was waiting this lady that's sitting next lays her baby boy in the empty chair between us and starts to change her baby's diaper. The lady did say apologetically that she was up next and the restroom was out of order and that she hoped I didn't mind. To which I said, "Get out of here you crazy wacko diaper changing harlot!" but that was on the inside. On the outside, I said; "Oh I don't mind. I salute you for being such an intrepid warrior in favor of diaper changing in public places"(that last part was also on the inside)

During all this time, her other child a little girl, who I'm sure was fathered by Satan or at least on of his minions, like a Enron Executive, is just staring intently at the boy's Christian parts. Then the little spawn of the devil, opens her mouth and she utters words that burned into my cranium. She said "Ewww momma his bing-bing looks like a crinkly French fry. I'm sure the crinkly French Fry industry is gonna use this to promote their product.

There motto will be "Buy Crinkle Fries! Resembling male genitalia since 1904!"


This is what I learned this week how about you? Let me know it not make it up.





Also,

Because of my non-hiatus hiatus, I have invented a new segment here at Da' Corner! It's WDYLWUWG?

Don't try to pronounce it! In Rumanian that means, "I have a Goat's Testicle hair in my Cheese."

In Undranian it means What Did You Learn While Undr Was Gone?

This is how it works. While I'm gone you write in the comments section something you learned while I was gone. The person who comments the most, will receive a prize. A restraining order you stalker! So, while I'm gone, just tell me whatever you like. If not make it up!

Thanks for stopping by and picking up after yourself.

Love,

Undr

PS I will miss every single one of you! Love ya, mean it!


Double PS: To help you while I am gone, I will write up a schedule so you know what to do with yourself without this pitiful blog to waste your time on. Here it goes:

Your Schedule While Undr is Gone

Monday: Read all my old posts and translate them into Ancient Yiddish. (Oyeth Veyeth!) and then cry in the fetal position while screaming "Undr I done miss ya!" at the op of your lungs.

Tuesday: Read all my old posts and find the missing message to the Alien Overlords, when they come for us. And then Continue crying in the fetal position while screaming "Undr!" at the top of you lungs.

Wednesday-Sunday: Pretty much the same as the above. You may want to pee in between your crying episodes. I'm just saying is all!


Have a good couple of Weeks!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

What the haw?

Dear Undies:

Do you come here often? Can I buy you a drink? Can you not pepper spray me?

Apparently, I am a Seducer of Au Natural proportions. (Au Nautral is french for Au Gratin) Anyways, here are the results of another one of those quzzies. Next week, I'll take the "what kind of stalker are you?" quiz. I'm sure I'll get a high score.

So read on, maybe you likey, maybe you don't!

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural


You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it.

Undr's Pick up line: Would you like to hear me burp the Les Miserables Soundtrack? Cuz I can you know.


That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power!

I can seduce you, but I don't know whyyyy?


The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism.

I am so happy to be innocent.

You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world.

I am the only citizen of my unique little world. I'm trying to get myself deported!


Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in.

My Paradise reeks of suckitude.


You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you?

Ha-ha there's a toothpick in my eye. Oh joy!


You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways.

and then I proceed to send him to his room. Bad Bad inner child. You don't go potty on the floor! Ok maybe a little.

Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you.

Does not! Does too! Does not! Does too!


As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

and that's when I get them to do my bidding. hahahahahhahahahahahaha *cough* *cough* *cough* *hack* hahahahahahahahahahaha!


What Kind of Seducer Are You?
If you'd like to take this quiz go for it. If you don't can you at least stop by and say hello. I get lonely sometimes. Just leave the pepper spray at home.


Love,
Undr


PS thanks for playing along in my last post. I hope Sadie gets that Ipod or the new and improved I-Poop. Love ya, mean it!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Song in my head

Dear Undies:

Other than my normal thoughts of eating a three hundred pound turkey hot dog or inventing the African Booty Scratcher(patent pending), I get songs stuck in my head.

Right now, this one is floating around in there:


The world looks mighty good to me
Cuz Tootsie Roll is all I see
Whatever it is I think I see
Becomes a Tootsie Roll to me
Tootsie Roll how I love your chocolatey Chew
Tootsie Roll I think I'm in love with you
Whatever it is I think I see
Becomes a Tootsie Roll to me.



Someone shoot me, please. But make sure it's a flesh wound, I'm a bleeder.



Love,


Undr




PS Tell me what song is in your widdle head or at least a commercial jingle you love. Love ya, mean it!


Double PS with a bucket of Tootsie Rolls: Thanks for feeding me. Now, I will have to post on how you can make me lose the 100 pounds I gained from all that num num cooking.

Triple PS: Don't get me wrong I love Tootsie Rolls. They are chocolatey goodness in the shape of poopie! num num good! Still love ya, still mean it!

Free Hit Counters
Free Hit Counter Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.