Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Maybe it should be re-titled "6 Ways to get stabbed in the eye and get your pee-pee chopped off."

Dear Undies:

Umm this guy is asking for trouble. He writes 6 ways of telling your girlfriend/lover/wife/30 minute hooker, that she's put on a little weight.

"1- "I don't like the way that outfit looks on you anymore."
Every woman has a go-to getup. If you don't know it, you don't know her well enough to discuss her flabby stomach. The only thing that could ever change the way an outfit looks is the way it fits. Tell her you aren't sure why it looks odd, suggest a looser knit, and watch her forever skip the nachos with cheese.

2- "I can't get over how fat I feel."
Women have been commiserating with each other for eons about the thickness of their thighs. If you launch a pity-party of your own about how heavy you feel, and let her know at every turn, she'll become fat-obsessed by osmosis. Women have been doing it to each other since the dawn of public washrooms.

3- "Your friend isn't nearly as attractive since she gained that weight."
Be careful. Delivery is everything. Pick her homeliest friend and let your most outrageous BS fly. Pick an attractive pal, and you'll be explaining your wandering eye till you give her a ring. Focus on the improbable target, and she'll be thinking that if you find her bookworm buddy hefty, perhaps a diet should be on her docket.


4- "I have a new female trainer at the gym."
She'll never suggest fewer trips to the gym, but it will drive her bonkers to think that another woman is spotting your squat thrusts. She'll sign up and show up within 24 hours just to keep an eye on you.

5- "The saleswoman said it was for smaller women."
If you want your baby to shed some baby fat, spend a couple of bucks on a nice little fashion piece a couple of sizes out of her reach. If she is thin in your eyes, and the only thing telling her otherwise is a piece of clothing, she'll work morning, noon and night to fit into that cursed thing.

6- "Let's help each other lose a couple of pounds?"
Let's face it. If you tell your girlfriend to lose some weight, she'll withdraw your all-access pass to her wonderful folds. But an honest commitment to work together to become fitter and shed some unwanted girth can only be met with the excitement that your investment in her is the same as what she is willing to invest in you. Losing weight is no small task. Make her sure you're worth it. "


I guess this guy wants to be stabbed repeatedly with an epilady or something. Sheesh!

Anyways, I have to let you know that today I am officially starting my diet. I figure if I want to be the next David Hasselhoff, I have to do something about my widdle belly.

Let me give you a brief overview of today's menu.

Breakfast

One lonely lonely pear. (it tasted like an old shoe that was floating on a diaper in the sewer)

Lunch

Chicken salad with lo fat salad dressing.(this tasted like roadkill with a hint of grass)

Dinner:

I will be having a tuna salad with almonds and lo fat ranch dressing(I assume this will taste fishy and ranchy but in a low fat type of way.)

Midnight Snack:

A half glass of distilled water. (only half cuz I may wet the bed)

2 am snack

Not really any food but by this time I will be having some major withdrawal symptoms which normally involve me eating my socks.

Honestly, what I really want to have is...

...A Gummy bear chocolate ice cream with fudge and cookies salad. (est. calories 123,999 and 158 grams of fat per serving. 8 servings per salad.) All this while sitting in a bathtub full of whip cream and nachos.

So as you see, It's gonna be a long and winding and bingeing and purging road.

To tell you the truth, I'm not that overweight. I just want to be healthy and ready for an Undr Thong Bikini Summer.

So I figure if I lose at least a pound every two months I should be ok by the time I'm sixty. Which is cool cuz that's when they allow you on nude beaches anyways.

So, my fellow undrians, it's time for Undr's Diet. Wish me skinny!

Love,

undr(3ft tall and 765 pounds of love and flab)

PS Have I told you lately that I love you? Love ya, mean it!

Double PS and a South Beach Diet Granola Bar: Any diet suggestions? Let me know.

8 Comments:

At 6:14 PM, March 28, 2006, Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

I just ate almost a whole lb. box of chocolate soo I am no help on advice.
But last year I had grapes and bottled water when I was trying to lose some weight. Also I did a lot of walking and swimming.

p.s.
I luvs ya no matter what size you are and I mean it!! :)
smoooches!!

 
At 8:41 PM, March 28, 2006, Blogger dewey said...

Oh. My. God. Those tips? They'll get any man a black eye. Probably two. I started a new diet too. It's called the "I just quit smoking and am SO terrified that I'll pack on a zillion pounds, I go for a walk every half hour and don't eat anything at all" diet.

Sure, it might not be GREAT for the health, but hey... Better than smoking, right?

 
At 9:31 PM, March 28, 2006, Blogger samirah said...

Wow. That guy should probably get stabbed in the face repeatedly.

I go to the gym 5 days a week and eat junk food. So I neither lose nor gain weight. I balance myself out. Which really wasnt the plan.

 
At 10:00 PM, March 28, 2006, Blogger gunngirl said...

Screw healthy! Treat yourself. :D You're perfect the way you are Undr.

Oh, and those tips? (???) Is he serious? There is no safe way to tell a woman she's gained weight. None.

Oh, and I got a good laugh at your comment on my blog about burning the Wheaties boxes. Really, that was funny -- and WRONG! :)

*hug*

 
At 12:12 AM, March 29, 2006, Blogger Skvid said...

Use a really heavy knife and fork to cut up your food. It’s sorta like lifting weights...

You could also try brushing your teeth when you feel like eating something that you shouldn't. It helps to kill the cravings a bit, because toothpaste + food = not very yummy.

 
At 3:59 AM, March 29, 2006, Blogger boo said...

lol@stabbed to death by epilady :)

 
At 8:44 AM, March 29, 2006, Blogger Gareth said...

Good luck with the diet!

"A half glass of distilled water. (only half cuz I may wet the bed)" HAHA you are a funny dude.

 
At 6:58 PM, March 29, 2006, Blogger Shari said...

We love you no matter what.

The secret is becoming that type of blogger that locks themselves in their home and never, ever comes out again. (Only virtually, you know.)

Then...who cares what you look like?

 

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