Monday, May 08, 2006

Closing Time

Dear Friends:

I didn't know how to start my last post. At first, I figured I would just fake my death or just say that I was going to travel the world as a Fake Vomit sales rep. Truthfully, that would have been better seeing that the reason for my retirement is more boring that most of the posts in this crap-filled diaper of a blog.

At the same time, I found out there were rumors circling about my departure. Like I was the actual father of Tom Cruise's baby or that I was moving to Africa to continue my illicit affair with Angelina Jolie or even the one about me accidentally inventing the Chicken Flu.(This one may be true. I did combine a chicken nugget with pop rocks and Coke. Oops sorry)

Actually, I have decided to pursue other endeavors. Some regarding my job and some volunteer work I do.(Being a tanning boy for underprivileged swimsuit models.) Not to mention some projects I have lined up. Like learning a new language. (It's between Chinese or Sign Language)

Needless to say, I am going to be a bit busy.

Anyways, why didn't I just shut down the Underachiever's Corner and leave quietly? The truth is because I feel you guys are my friends and that I figure one or two of you would have had me killed. And so I couldn't just do a David Blaine and disappear. By the way David Blaine's motto is "I'm Gayer than David Copperfield"

Anyways, I wanted to thank you for visiting my bloggy blog. Thanks for being my imaginary internet friends, cardboard cut-out girlfriends, and of course, thanks for not calling the cops.

With that being said, here is a song...
Closing Time
By Semisonic

Closing time
Open all the doors
and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn all of the lights on
over every boy and every girl
Closing time
One last call for alcohol
so finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don't have to go home
but you can't stay here

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home

Closing time
Time for you to go out
to the places you will be from
Closing time
This room won't be open
till your brothers or your sisters come
So gather up your jackets,
move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend
Closing time
Every new beginning comes
from some other beginning's end

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home

I love ya, and I mean it from the bottom of my spleen. (Sorry, my heart is reserved for Adriana Lima, Scarlett Johansen, Kelly Clarkson and David Blaine.)


Alan ( Undr A. Chiever)

PS: Here's a poem I read. It's pretty durn good.

Miss Me, But Let Me Go
Author Unknown

When I come to the end of the road,
and the sun has set for me.
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room.
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little—but not too long,
and not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that was once shared.
Miss me, but let me go.

For this is a journey we all must take, and each must go alone.
It’s all a part of the master’s plan, a step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart, go to the friends we know.
Bear your sorrow in good deeds. Miss me, but let me go.

This made me sad and gave me explosive diarhea. Well the explosive diarhea was probably cuz I ate a rice cake I found on the floor.

Love ya, mean it!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

What I look like...on a good day.

Dear Undies:

As you know, I receive thousands of emails an hour. Most of them are entitled "Penis Enlargement and you". And then, I have the emails with countless questions to answer, like: "How did you find me, you perv?" and of course, "Did you get that Penis enlargement email I sent you. Love, Mom."

To be honest, the number 1 most common question I get is": "Why do you say 'squirrel scrotum' and Tortoise Testicles on a daily basis?" To which I respond, "It's therapeutic!" and run away like a little girl.

The second most common question I get from my 2.3 billion readers* is: "What do you look like?" To which I respond, "Like I'm gonna tell you so you call America's Most Wanted, psshaw!"

Anyways, to appease my ever dying fanbase, I present to you an exact replica of another replica of a sketch of yours!

It was skillfully drawn by the rejected students of the Blind Art Academy in Walla Walla Washington Gardens, in Hoboken New Jersey. (Home of the "Eyeless Monks" lacrosse team. Go Monks!)

Of course it has been photoshopped to remove my "extra" pinky toe and the hairy growth on my neck. You know, the one I call "Growthy". Anyways, I hope you like my picture.

Let me know, if not lie.

If you want one for made for you just visit the good people at this link! Or just ask Santa, he ain't doin' nuthin!


Unkie Undr

PS Thanks for your WHWLTWAIMLW? entries. They made me cry. Of course, I did place the iron on my hand this morning...twice. Love ya, mean it! Squirrel Scrotum!

*give or a take 2.3 billion.

Monday, May 01, 2006


Dear Undies:

Once again my boss at the boiled peanut stand has me busier than Pamela Anderson's plastic surgeon. I truly apologize for my tardiness. Anywho, buckle your seat belts and strap on your Stawberry Shortcake Helmet, it's time for WHWLTWAIMLW? For those of you who didn't know you had to wear a helmet, WHWLTWWALW stands for What Have We Learned This Week,Well Actually I Mean Last Week?

Here are the Instructions:

1. I tell you what I learned.

2. You tell me what you learned

3. and then shake it like it's nobody's business! (Not optional.)

Here we go:

This week I learned...

1. I have lost a total of 15 pounds in a month and a half. Which puts me at 756 pounds. I may actually be able to see my genitals any day now. Just kidding, I really don't want to see my genitals. Ok maybe a pun intended.

2. Australians are finally cracking down on a growing problem, an epidemic if you will. The australian police is going to get tough on eating and driving. Which is cool as long as they don't stop backhair removal and driving. Cuz that would hurt my weekends.

3. That I would make millions introducing my new weight loss excercise program. As a matter of fact here is a snippet of my infomercial.


"Are you tired of trying to lose weight with all those boring excercise programs? I know I am. Of course, that was until I found out about Undr's Butt Clenching Workout!"

Announcer Guy:

"That's right. Undr's Butt Clenching workout is fun and easy to do. All you do is clench your butt at least 4000 times a day and you will lose weight faster than a heroine and meth addict combined. Not too mention a have a derriere that could repel bullets.

So if you want buttcheeks that can crack walnuts and a body to boot, Try Undr's Butt Clenching Workout!"

Announcer Guy: "The first 5 Million callers will receive Undr's Butt Clenching Chafing Cream and a great Mix tape with all your butt clenching hits." Order yours TODAY! (Not available in Puerto Rico, that is until the lawsuit gets resolved.)


3. I don't know how long I can keep this up.

That is what I done learned this week, how about you. Let me know if not make it up!



PS Love ya, mean it!

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