Monday, May 08, 2006

Closing Time

Dear Friends:

I didn't know how to start my last post. At first, I figured I would just fake my death or just say that I was going to travel the world as a Fake Vomit sales rep. Truthfully, that would have been better seeing that the reason for my retirement is more boring that most of the posts in this crap-filled diaper of a blog.

At the same time, I found out there were rumors circling about my departure. Like I was the actual father of Tom Cruise's baby or that I was moving to Africa to continue my illicit affair with Angelina Jolie or even the one about me accidentally inventing the Chicken Flu.(This one may be true. I did combine a chicken nugget with pop rocks and Coke. Oops sorry)

Actually, I have decided to pursue other endeavors. Some regarding my job and some volunteer work I do.(Being a tanning boy for underprivileged swimsuit models.) Not to mention some projects I have lined up. Like learning a new language. (It's between Chinese or Sign Language)

Needless to say, I am going to be a bit busy.

Anyways, why didn't I just shut down the Underachiever's Corner and leave quietly? The truth is because I feel you guys are my friends and that I figure one or two of you would have had me killed. And so I couldn't just do a David Blaine and disappear. By the way David Blaine's motto is "I'm Gayer than David Copperfield"

Anyways, I wanted to thank you for visiting my bloggy blog. Thanks for being my imaginary internet friends, cardboard cut-out girlfriends, and of course, thanks for not calling the cops.

With that being said, here is a song...
Closing Time
By Semisonic

Closing time
Open all the doors
and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn all of the lights on
over every boy and every girl
Closing time
One last call for alcohol
so finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don't have to go home
but you can't stay here

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home

Closing time
Time for you to go out
to the places you will be from
Closing time
This room won't be open
till your brothers or your sisters come
So gather up your jackets,
move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend
Closing time
Every new beginning comes
from some other beginning's end

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home

I love ya, and I mean it from the bottom of my spleen. (Sorry, my heart is reserved for Adriana Lima, Scarlett Johansen, Kelly Clarkson and David Blaine.)


Alan ( Undr A. Chiever)

PS: Here's a poem I read. It's pretty durn good.

Miss Me, But Let Me Go
Author Unknown

When I come to the end of the road,
and the sun has set for me.
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room.
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little—but not too long,
and not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that was once shared.
Miss me, but let me go.

For this is a journey we all must take, and each must go alone.
It’s all a part of the master’s plan, a step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart, go to the friends we know.
Bear your sorrow in good deeds. Miss me, but let me go.

This made me sad and gave me explosive diarhea. Well the explosive diarhea was probably cuz I ate a rice cake I found on the floor.

Love ya, mean it!


At 5:32 PM, May 08, 2006, Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

I will miss ya! May you have all the luck in the world with everything you do my tie wearing friend.
Mucho luvo from the bottom of my heart! Lot's of smooches and huggiezz

At 6:26 PM, May 08, 2006, Blogger gunngirl said...

Well, it had to happen some time. *sob* But I will miss you. I considered you my, er, imaginary internet friend? Yes, I enjoyed your blog very much. You're especially special because you were the first person to visit ( and revisit) mine. Anyway, you know I love you and will miss you the most.

Good luck! I understand, since I'm graduating I really have my head in a million places too, time for a real job. LOL

Again, good luck and thanks for the memories. *extra special hug* :)

At 8:53 PM, May 08, 2006, Blogger samirah said...

I'll miss you terribly.

At 9:09 PM, May 08, 2006, Blogger Jen-Nae said...

Oh sure...I finally come back and YOU of all people are leaving! Hmph! Well, Im sad and it sucks and your comments were some of the reasons I decided to come back to the blogosphere and you are funny and you visited my blog and and and I dont know what to say and this is one crazy long run on sentence. Take care of you...hope to see you back here.

At 10:05 PM, May 08, 2006, Blogger Lori said...

Best of luck to you.

At 1:59 AM, May 09, 2006, Blogger grody jo-dee said...

i wondered where you had been lately...but the truth is, real life has to take precedence over blogging. i wish you all success. i don't know who you're gonna tell all your potty humor to, but i guessing there will be some poor unassuming victim. :) i'll think of you whenever i listen to a praise chorus, since i was totally unaware of the proper name before you corrected me.

miss you, mean it!

grody jodee

At 7:14 AM, May 09, 2006, Blogger Skvid said...

Aww Undr :(

I'm gonna miss ya, mean it!!!!!

(5 exclamation marks = I extremely totally completely utterly seriously mean it)

I hope you have a wonderful time in the 'real world'. I hear it's a strange and scary place, so be careful! Try not to eat too many things that you find lying around, and just watch out for that David Blaine, he'll break your heart if you let him.

Have a great new beginning.

At 1:24 PM, May 09, 2006, Blogger Sadie Lou said...

gosh darn it, Alan.
Ya POO head. I so enjoy reading your blog. You are just that dang funny!
Don't listen to these other people that say blogging isn't real life! Come on people, this is how we let our creative juices flow!
I'm gonna miss you something fierce.
If ya feel like it, come play at the Junction every now and again. I like surprises and it's my 30th birthday on the 29--gotta be there dude.
Love ya! Mean it!

At 1:45 PM, May 09, 2006, Blogger cherish said...

Most definitely this blog entry has left me SPEECHLESS and that is not a state I find myself in often.

You have an awesome sense of humor and I absolutely LOVE your blog. I am very sorry to see you go but I understand completely. Your blog has brought me laughter, smiles and giggles; for that I will thank you because I believe that is a gift you give someone. I will miss your blog immensely and miss you even more! I hope you find success in all that you do.

Love ya Alan, mean it!!!!
Miss you already,

At 6:19 PM, May 09, 2006, Blogger Shari said...

I will miss you and just ignore those long fingernail scratches on your arm....I'm really letting you go....really.

At 8:06 PM, May 09, 2006, Blogger Gareth said...

Dude you can't leave. Oh please! I'm going to miss ya!
You said alot of funny things in your posts. Thankyou for making me smile and laugh :)
Will you be posting every now and again or are you quitting totally. Bloggerland needs you!

At 8:06 PM, May 09, 2006, Blogger Tina said...


I wish you the best in everything you do Alan (Undr). I am bummed...sigh....

You will be missed. :)

Tina (Bedrock Girl)

At 11:23 PM, May 09, 2006, Blogger just a mom said...

Well crap! Here I have been away for 7 months and I come back just in time to see you go! Hey, at least I made it back in time to say goodbye.

I really liked your blog (she says kicking her foot, with her hand behind her back while looking at the ground)... Come visit sometime when you get a chance now that I am up and running again.

Good luck in life! You always brought a smile to my face even on days when I thought it was near impossible. I will miss you!


At 12:58 AM, May 10, 2006, Blogger j2 said...

you really shuttin this place down?

At 2:00 AM, May 10, 2006, Blogger boo said...

aww, don't go.

At 8:25 AM, May 10, 2006, Blogger Gareth said...

You could do one post per week, just so that we know what you are doing and that you are still alive :)

At 11:21 AM, May 10, 2006, Blogger ramblin' girl said...

aw, Undr... I was sad today already and came here for a laugh... and despite the tears you still delivered! thanks for today's, and all the others!

good luck with everything!

I really will miss you terribly!!!

stop by on occassion, you know, if you have time in your busy new life without us... sniff, sniff....

At 4:04 PM, May 10, 2006, Blogger anika said...

What? No. *sigh* I lub you, Undr.

At 10:51 AM, May 11, 2006, Blogger gunngirl said...

I'm with gareth. You don't have to leave forever, you know. Just blog when the mood strikes ya. Do you sense we're gonna miss you? lol

At 11:39 AM, May 11, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to see you go, but congratulations on having better things to do...wish I could say the same! ;)

I hope you will consider coming back when things slow down? Just think about it, eh?

The Best! (um, that's me wishing know, the best.)

At 5:18 PM, May 11, 2006, Blogger j2 said...

i love you

aex forever!

i.m. me occasionally, don't forget about me.

us georgians have to stick together.

remember we still have myspace.

At 9:52 PM, May 11, 2006, Anonymous megan said...

I really loved coming here..
Whatever it is that takes you away, I hope it is something that allows you to do more of what you have done here.
You are a truly funny, and delightful writer.
It's been a pleasure to read you....

At 1:10 PM, May 12, 2006, Blogger Terri said...

Gonna miss you Undr! You always made me chuckle even when I didn't feel like smiling, so thanks, and good luck.
Come back & visit sometime...

At 1:12 PM, May 12, 2006, Blogger Shull o' fit said...

This is very sad. I come to your blog every morning for a smile. I don't even know you but have come to think of you as a little brother! I know it's very trippy to feel this way about an imaginary internet friend. Well, good luck to you and I know no matter what you do, you'll be putting smiles on peoples' faces.

At 6:08 PM, May 12, 2006, Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

miss ya Undr babe :(

At 12:07 AM, June 06, 2006, Blogger Shannon said...

Bye sweet Undie..take care of yourself out there =)

At 10:53 PM, June 16, 2006, Blogger Newsandseduction said...

disclaimer is interesting.

At 12:47 PM, July 11, 2006, Blogger beadinggalinMS said...

I know your not around. But I am sitting here thinking of you. Tomorrow is your birthday and I wanted to say.
Happy Happy Birthday!
Happy Happy Birthday!!
Have a great one!!
Birthday smooches and huggiezz!!
mucho luvo

At 2:42 PM, July 16, 2006, Blogger Gareth said...

Oh happy belated birthday Undr! :)

At 8:25 PM, August 11, 2006, Blogger notjoecheese said...

I'm sorry it took me this long to respond to this post but I honestly couldn't think of a way to say goodbye... *single tear*. Seriously though, it won't be as funny in bloggerland without underachiever in the back of the class making fart noises with his armpit. At least he said it was his armpit...

At 8:19 PM, January 11, 2007, Anonymous tina said...

Happy New Year :) If you are still in bloggerland!

At 7:17 PM, July 11, 2007, Blogger Kingcover said...

Happy birthday for tomorrow Undie. Hope you have a happy day dude :-)


At 1:33 PM, August 07, 2007, Blogger Clumsy ;) said...

Oh, Undr.,
I've been gone too long.
I'm sorry to see you gone. Hope you are kicking ass out there, though!

At 5:48 PM, March 01, 2010, Anonymous オテモヤン said...


At 1:14 AM, February 03, 2011, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So many people don't care about global warming. They don't care about the Federal deficit/debt (outside of partisanship) and they don't care earning $400k for an $80,000/year job will eventually bankrupt the country. They think they are going sometime during/at the end of this life, and disregard the poor souls who are left behind.
Sounds like the Italians who were used to plan World War II and the Holocaust.
These are the people who will be here in the United States when bankruptcy is declared and society deteriorates into chaos. And they will deserve it.

Another feature which the Gods offer as a clue is very foreboading and ominous. Mt. Zion is a mountain to the north of Diablo (the eye of The Beast) and one which has a working quarry at its base. Consistant with the decay we experience in society, Mt. Zion is being eaten away, slowly stripped of its resources, until one day paradise will be gone forever.

The gods used the Italians to ruin life in the 20th century.
The gods used the Italians to ruin life in A.D. with The Church.
And each generation of these Italians were sold on "earning", only to be reincarnated as a lesser life form subsequently, punishment for their evil.
"The West Bank, where the end of the world will begin." With xtianity.
And they were reincarnated into the ghetto to be punished as crack babies and in drive-by shootings, both intentionally inflicted on the black community and poetic justice for inflicting these horrors on their hated enemies.
On their brothers.

i don't care if you did escape the last Big Bang.
The last 10,000,000,000 Big Bangs.
I would systematically exterminate your kind for exploiting me like you did.
You would be clone hosted so I could kill you over and over.
I would burn you at the stake so often you would beg me to let you die.
"You deserved it." Considering how you pushed me into all my offenses I suspect it was no different in prior lives.
Fuck you.

I will forever regret and resent being picked for this event.
Minimized, not optimal.
I may not have learned as much as I have but I WOULD have gotten more done and made more progress, and at the end of this life that's all that matters. We are all reincarnated and must re-learn about the gods and their methodology.
This is the worst possible senario in my life.
Despite your attempts to force your positioning I will take my hatred forward to the next life.
The empty promise is I will have a real chance of going, and if I retain this experience there is no way in damngod motherfuckers that would ever be possible. Secret is they have the freedom to remind me of this life, "executive priveledge" retained, sabotaging all progress up to that point.
This is a lost cause. They are degenerate filth who positioned in a guarentee to fail, ensuring the are not to blame for their failed promise.
I am better off without them.

They remind me of the behavior they created in my adolescence, much like molestation or stealing, which they used in their positioning.
I would dispose of the gods if I had the chance.
The upside down star is my symbol. There is of course no Satan. That's just the gods with different clothes on.
Beware of me. I will not tolerate this.


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