Underachiever's Corner

Closing Time

2006-05-08T17:01:00.000-04:00

Dear Friends:

I didn't know how to start my last post. At first, I figured I would just fake my death or just say that I was going to travel the world as a Fake Vomit sales rep. Truthfully, that would have been better seeing that the reason for my retirement is more boring that most of the posts in this crap-filled diaper of a blog.

At the same time, I found out there were rumors circling about my departure. Like I was the actual father of Tom Cruise's baby or that I was moving to Africa to continue my illicit affair with Angelina Jolie or even the one about me accidentally inventing the Chicken Flu.(This one may be true. I did combine a chicken nugget with pop rocks and Coke. Oops sorry)

Actually, I have decided to pursue other endeavors. Some regarding my job and some volunteer work I do.(Being a tanning boy for underprivileged swimsuit models.) Not to mention some projects I have lined up. Like learning a new language. (It's between Chinese or Sign Language)

Needless to say, I am going to be a bit busy.

Anyways, why didn't I just shut down the Underachiever's Corner and leave quietly? The truth is because I feel you guys are my friends and that I figure one or two of you would have had me killed. And so I couldn't just do a David Blaine and disappear. By the way David Blaine's motto is "I'm Gayer than David Copperfield"

Anyways, I wanted to thank you for visiting my bloggy blog. Thanks for being my imaginary internet friends, cardboard cut-out girlfriends, and of course, thanks for not calling the cops.

With that being said, here is a song...

Closing Time
By Semisonic

Closing time
Open all the doors

and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn all of the lights on

over every boy and every girl
Closing time
One last call for alcohol

so finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don't have to go home

but you can't stay here

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home

Closing time
Time for you to go out

to the places you will be from
Closing time
This room won't be open

till your brothers or your sisters come

So gather up your jackets,

move it to the exits

I hope you have found a friend

Closing time

Every new beginning comes

from some other beginning's end

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home

I love ya, and I mean it from the bottom of my spleen. (Sorry, my heart is reserved for Adriana Lima, Scarlett Johansen, Kelly Clarkson and David Blaine.)

Love,

Alan ( Undr A. Chiever)

PS: Here's a poem I read. It's pretty durn good.

Miss Me, But Let Me Go
Author Unknown

When I come to the end of the road,
and the sun has set for me.
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room.
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little—but not too long,
and not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that was once shared.
Miss me, but let me go.

For this is a journey we all must take, and each must go alone.
It’s all a part of the master’s plan, a step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart, go to the friends we know.
Bear your sorrow in good deeds. Miss me, but let me go.

This made me sad and gave me explosive diarhea. Well the explosive diarhea was probably cuz I ate a rice cake I found on the floor.

Love ya, mean it!

What I look like...on a good day.

2006-05-03T12:16:00.000-04:00

Dear Undies:

As you know, I receive thousands of emails an hour. Most of them are entitled "Penis Enlargement and you". And then, I have the emails with countless questions to answer, like: "How did you find me, you perv?" and of course, "Did you get that Penis enlargement email I sent you. Love, Mom."

To be honest, the number 1 most common question I get is": "Why do you say 'squirrel scrotum' and Tortoise Testicles on a daily basis?" To which I respond, "It's therapeutic!" and run away like a little girl.

The second most common question I get from my 2.3 billion readers* is: "What do you look like?" To which I respond, "Like I'm gonna tell you so you call America's Most Wanted, psshaw!"

Anyways, to appease my ever dying fanbase, I present to you an exact replica of another replica of a sketch of yours truly...me!

It was skillfully drawn by the rejected students of the Blind Art Academy in Walla Walla Washington Gardens, in Hoboken New Jersey. (Home of the "Eyeless Monks" lacrosse team. Go Monks!)

Of course it has been photoshopped to remove my "extra" pinky toe and the hairy growth on my neck. You know, the one I call "Growthy". Anyways, I hope you like my picture.

Let me know, if not lie.

If you want one for made for you just visit the good people at this link! Or just ask Santa, he ain't doin' nuthin!

Love,

Unkie Undr

PS Thanks for your WHWLTWAIMLW? entries. They made me cry. Of course, I did place the iron on my hand this morning...twice. Love ya, mean it! Squirrel Scrotum!

*give or a take 2.3 billion.

WHWLTWWAIMLW?

2006-05-01T22:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Undies:

Once again my boss at the boiled peanut stand has me busier than Pamela Anderson's plastic surgeon. I truly apologize for my tardiness. Anywho, buckle your seat belts and strap on your Stawberry Shortcake Helmet, it's time for WHWLTWAIMLW? For those of you who didn't know you had to wear a helmet, WHWLTWWALW stands for What Have We Learned This Week,Well Actually I Mean Last Week?

Here are the Instructions:

1. I tell you what I learned.

2. You tell me what you learned

3. and then shake it like it's nobody's business! (Not optional.)

Here we go:

This week I learned...

1. I have lost a total of 15 pounds in a month and a half. Which puts me at 756 pounds. I may actually be able to see my genitals any day now. Just kidding, I really don't want to see my genitals. Ok maybe a little...erm...no pun intended.

2. Australians are finally cracking down on a growing problem, an epidemic if you will. The australian police is going to get tough on eating and driving. Which is cool as long as they don't stop backhair removal and driving. Cuz that would hurt my weekends.

3. That I would make millions introducing my new weight loss excercise program. As a matter of fact here is a snippet of my infomercial.

Lady:

"Are you tired of trying to lose weight with all those boring excercise programs? I know I am. Of course, that was until I found out about Undr's Butt Clenching Workout!"

Announcer Guy:

"That's right. Undr's Butt Clenching workout is fun and easy to do. All you do is clench your butt at least 4000 times a day and you will lose weight faster than a heroine and meth addict combined. Not too mention a have a derriere that could repel bullets.

So if you want buttcheeks that can crack walnuts and a body to boot, Try Undr's Butt Clenching Workout!"

Announcer Guy: "The first 5 Million callers will receive Undr's Butt Clenching Chafing Cream and a great Mix tape with all your butt clenching hits." Order yours TODAY! (Not available in Puerto Rico, that is until the lawsuit gets resolved.)

Imagonnaberich!

3. I don't know how long I can keep this up.

That is what I done learned this week, how about you. Let me know if not make it up!

Love,

Undr

PS Love ya, mean it!

It's me... who?

2006-04-27T07:33:00.000-04:00

Dear Undies:

Sorry, I've not updated this blog since like forever. It's just that I've sorta got myself into a hypnotic trance by repeating the name Kelly Pickler 27,395 times. It's a fun name!

Anyways, since I've been away I figured you have forgotten about me. (Yeah, I know, WHO?)

That is why, I have done another survey so you remember who I be. I stole it from Anika, because I'm a big fat(but on a diet) stealer poopie-headed stinky pants.

So here it goes...

1. Can you tap dance? Only when I have a top hat and a cane

2. Do you own a pair of see-thru underwear? Yes, they are the ones with holes.

3. What color is the sky today? Gray.

4. Do you own a classic brown teddy bear? Yes, it's a teddy bear that has one of those cute little outfit and a funny name to match. She's called Slutty Slutterson. Teddy Ruxpin just LOVES her.

5. Is your favorite holiday Christmas? Confederate Memorial Day. The South will rise sometime!

6. Do you have an iPOD? No, but if I did you would be soo jealous.

7.If you had an iPOD mini, what color would you have? Green! or pale fuschia.

8. What song are you listening to? "Kill your boss with a freeze dried Banana" It's from Undr's Greatest Honky Tonk Hits.

9. Is it your favorite song? Yes, right after "I love you, like I like poo."

10. How many blogs have you had? One.

11. Have you ever made a blog survey? Not allowed.

12. Are you wearing any jewelry? My belly button ring. which is not really a belly button ring. It's just a key chain that got stuck down there.

13. Where does your grandma live? Orlando, FL

14. Are you an angry drunk? I'm an angry sober.

15. Do you prefer pen or pencil? Pencil. The eraser is an excellent ear wax remover.

16. Are you wearing deodorant? Yes. Secret. Strong enough for a man but made for a man who has no other deodorant and is too lazy to buy another one.

17. Ever been in an earthquake? Yes, a little one.

18. Is your birthday this month? No

19. Do all guys suck? Who knows.

20. Are you afraid of the dentist? Yes, and car salesmen and acrobats. They are soo creepy.

21. Do you know exactly what car you want? 1987 Yugo convertible with inflatable chairs or the Minty Squirrel Limited Edition.

22. Have you ever bought something from ebay? Yes. A replica of hair found in Angelina Jolie's shower drain.

23. Ever seen "boy meets world"? Yes. Loved that show.

24. Own a locket? No.

25. Do you share a locker? Just a toothbrush and a locket.

26. Ever dissected anything? A cat. It had a hairball and a roach in it's stomach.

27. Ever had a referral? Whaaa?

28. Still play with legos? Yes, but I only have one.

30. Insert question here.

31. Last time you wrote a note? Yes, it started out; "If you ever want to see Gary your gerbil again..."

32. Ever been on a cruise? Yes, I've eaten my weight in shrimp more than once on... the same trip.

33. Ever gotten pregnant by someone on a cruise? No but I was groped in a canoe once. Ok, twice.

34. Dyed your hair? Nevah! I have natural Pumpkin Orange #5 colored hair.

35. Like your handwriting? Nope. It's swirly like a girl's handwriting.

36. Do you eat? No, I absorb.

37. Are you wearing lotion? Just Palmolive dishwashing soap. Look Madge it's feels so soft!

38. Last time you talked on the phone? Yesterday.

39. Do you know what Victoria's Secret is? She's really a guy name Fredrick and he's from Hollywood.

40. Are you nice? When I sleep.

41. Ever been in love? Too many times.

42. What were you last halloween? A ballerina on crack.

43. Ever met a midget? Yes, but he was tall for his age.

44. Ever been to Cuba? No. But soon I will liberate them from the icy cold hands of Castro. And then I will rule with an iron fist.

45. Ever cut yourself shaving? Yes. Damn you Epilady!

46. Ever owned an exotic pet? Yes, a gay chihuahua.

47. Is it your birthday? No. But I'm wearing my birthday suit...it's a light blue tuxedo with ruffles.

48. Is it someone elses birthday? Yes, I figure

49. Had a good day? Yes. Any day where I don't get attacked by vicious man eating horny monkeys is a good day.

50. How long did this take you? It felt like five minutes...underwater.

Now that you know me, will you still be my friend?

Love,

Undr

PS Thanks for your WHWLTW? contributions. Love ya, mean it.

PPS Gunny, the porn thing was a joke. Black and Tan has 5 Volumes.

WHWLTW? I got a late pass...honest.

2006-04-24T00:01:00.000-04:00

Dear Undies:

Can you believe how time flies? Yup, it's time once again for WHWLTW? No, it's not a disease you get from licking used popsicle sticks. It's What Have We Learned This Week? For those of you new to the Underachiever's Corner, this is an ongoing segment where we probe you...in a good way. Anyways, this is how it works: I tell you what I learned this past week and you do the same. It's so simple, it's scary.

This is what I learned this week.

1. That Katie Holmes and Wacko Cruise, have actually had a child. I was honored to be the first reporter to interview baby Suri. Here's how it went:

Undr: He-woh Suwi, you're a cute widdle baby, aren't ya? Goo-goo gah gah?

Suri: *gurgle*(then she proceeded to take a major dump in her diaper, which was not really a diaper. It was more like my hands)

and pretty much that was it. Afterwards, Tom and I had an afterbirth flavored slushy. Mmm, mmm.

2. Ben and Jerry's got in trouble for naming their new ice cream "Black and Tan" . Apparently, that was the name of a very violent British militia group during Ireland's war of independence. (Not to be confused with the Leprechaun/Midget Conflict of 1902 Hi Gareth!)

At the same time Ben and/or Jerry( I can't tell them apart) had to apologize for other name choices that might be considered offensive.

Here are examples of other names they scrapped.

Ben and Jerry's "Blood and Crips"

Ben and Jerry's "Osama Bin laden Crunch"

Ben and Jerry's "Placenta Surprise"(Especially made for some guy named Tom)

Ben and Jerry's "Track Marks"

Ben and Jerry's "Pimps and Hos"

Ben and Jerry's "Meth Lab Fudge"

and Ben and Jerry's "Lung Cookie and Pus"

In a related story the Gay Porn Industry will take "Black and Tan Volumes 1-3" off the shelves.

3. In order to aid in the rebuilding of New Orleans, the makers of Legos are asking kids to turn in their lego bricks and matching them with a real bricks. Wow, what a great gesture.

On that note, the makers of the critically acclaimed "Chia Pet" issued a statement in which they said; "You still have that piece of junk? Just throw it away already! Sheesh!"

4. and finally that Fredrick's of Hollywood is going to tone down and make their lingerie a little less skanky. De-skankify if you will. De-hookerize while your at it.

To which I say; "I object! Where else am I gonna get my Jewel Encrusted Tiger Striped Leather Strawberry-flavored G-String and matching bull whip? Where, I ask? Where?"

and that is what I learned. What about you? Let me know if not make it up.

Love,

Undr(*gurgle*)

PS thanks for letting me know your favorite words and for reading this junk. Love ya, mean it!

PPS: De-hookerize is SO a word.

These are a few of my favorite words.

2006-04-21T07:30:00.000-04:00

Dear Undies:

I was just thinking about some words that I think are cool. Here are a few...

Doily (I can say this FOR. EVER!)

Boingy (It's a word. Honest!)

Poo

Sheboygan ("We are number 1 in Sheboygan!"--From Home Alone!)

Nomenclature (Don't know what it means, but who cares! It's a great word. I just add it to my sentences just to sound smart. Sample: "Dude you are so not cool, you are, like, nomenclature!"

Acidophilus (Awww those cute little good bacterias lining the intestines. Kinda makes you feel all warm and fuzzy in your tummy or is that the parasitic worms?)

Kumquat (It sounds naughty. hee-hee)

Putrid

Doodad

Engorged

Fenetre (it's french for window)

Finagle

Flimflam

Icky

Zoinks (Shaggy's favorite word.)

Fallopian

Are there any words you like? Let me know, if not make it up.

Love,

Undr

Update! Part deux

2006-04-19T06:59:00.000-04:00

Dear Undies:

First off, I'd like to report that Tom Cruise and Zombie Holmes have finally had(hatched) a child. Her name is Suri, which is Hebrew for "Nummy-num Placenta and Umbilical chord...mmm....mmm" My sources(sock puppet named Sebembo) say that Baby Suri uttered her first words; "Please, kill me!)

Anywhoo, my diet is going well. I have lost yet another 2 pounds. This makes me as happy as the time I found that kernel of corn in my belly button. It was still fresh! No the reason I'm happy is I finally get to wear my designer mu-mu! (Actually a tailored tent) I likey dee mumu!

The key is to weigh yourself nekkid. Which unbeknowst to me is illegal at the supermarket. Go figure. No lady, that is NOT a vienna sausage!

Actually, I started jogging. Well actually, it's more like speed walking. To be honest it's more like just regular walking. Ok, Ok the truth is I just sit down in front of the TV and think about the horrors of jogging. (It's the thought that counts.) Go me!

Also, I've been reading some of your blogs and it's truly spring time. No, not because of my pollen induced hacking-coughing-sneezing-seizures, it's because some of you are finding that special someone. Some of are dating, rekindling past loves or even getting your credit back with that 25 cent hooker named Limpy. (Named that on account of her limp) To which I say good for you! It makes me happy to see that...erm....(I promised myself I wouldn't cry)...happy to see that...Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Sorry.

Ok, what else? I guess that's pretty much it.

Love,

Undr

PS Let me know what'sahappeninghotstuff? Love ya, mean it!

PPS: Thanks for reading this crap. Check out the linky-links. You know you want to.

WDWLLW?

2006-04-17T07:12:00.000-04:00

Dear Undies:

I'm sorry I'm late with "WHWLTW?". I was at a "How to remove your bodily hair with sandpaper and a fruit roll-up" convention. Again, my apologies. Anyways, because I am late I invented a new segment that is just like "WHWTLW?", but different. It's called WDWLLW? It stands for What Did We Learn Last Week? It's just like P.M.S. but with a little more rage.

It works similar to "WHWLTW?" I tell you what I learned and then you put your clothes back on and tell me what you learned.

This is what I be learnin':

1. That the correct equation is: Shake + Shake+ Shake + shakeshakeshake= Shake your booty. Duh!

2. Wearing thermal underwear to protest the coming of Spring is not a good idea. What with the chafing and all...

3. I have more will power than I thought. I haven't cheated on my diet and it's only been a month. Of course, to avoid cravings I have the children from my street pelt me with rocks. It works, honest.

4. Prunes are cool. They were like super-secret spies! As opposed to the figs. Darn Fruity Commies!

Anyhoo that's what I learned. How about you? Let me know it not make it up.

Love,

Undr

PS Thanks for stopping by and humoring me. Love ya, mean it!

Quote of the week: "Live like you will have time to die. Because if you are granted that time and you have lived right, your friends will be there. They will cry and tell you stories and laugh.

And you will see what you did while you were here." Credit ever so purty Shari

2nd Quote of the week: "If my voice cracks like a pre-pubescent boy, don't laugh. It's just cause I'm nervous." credit the ever so lovely Anika.

stuff about me

2006-04-13T07:30:00.000-04:00

Dear Undies,

I have received thousands of emails requesting more info about yours truly. Actually, it was one email and it was titled "Makin' out with Jellyfish." I didn't read it honest.

Anyways, here's more stuff that may of may not be true about me. Read on. I suggest bringing a light snack, it's a doozy.

STUFF ABOUT ME

1. First name? Undr
2. Were you named after anyone? NO
3. Do you wish on stars? NO
4. When did you last cry? YESTERDAY
5. Do you like your handwriting? HeLl nO
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Filet Mignon Slices
7. What is your birthday? 7/12/75
8.What is your most embarrassing moment? The time my CPR dummy died in my arms. It was bittersweet.
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Yes, but I'd watch me veeeery closely. I look suspicious.
10. Do you have a diary? No it's a Manly book of thoughts and drawings of flowers.
11. What are your nicknames? Undie, Undie stain, Underoo, Undrini bini and Margaret Thatcher.
12. Would you bungee jump? Nah!
13. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Nope. I rip em off cuz I'm a rebel that way...oh yeah and they're velcro.
14. Do you think that you are strong? a little.
15. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?Coffee oh yeah and cocaine.
16. Shoe Size? 9
17. Red or Pink? RED
18. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My existence.
19. Who do you miss most? You.
20. Do you want everyone you read this and do one themselves? I ain't the boss of them.
21. What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now? Blue jeans and bare foot.
22. What are you listening to right now? The evil voices in my head. They all sound like Michael Bolton and Richard Simmons.
23. What was the last thing you ate? Tofu Chili
24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Black
25. What is the weather like right now? Chilly Willy.
26. Last person you talked to on the phone? Boseephus
27. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Eyes
28. Do you like the person who sent this to you? If I could only remember. I think her name was Stinky.
29. Favorite Drink? Water
30. Favorite Sport? Baseball
31. Hair Color? Black
32. Eye Color? Brown
33. Do you wear contacts? Yes they're made out of glass they're so thick.
34. Favorite Food? Diet.
35. Last Movie You Watched? Chicken Little.
36. Favorite Day Of The Year? None.
37. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Happy movies Scary endings.
38. Summer or winter? WINTER
39. Hugs OR Kisses? BOTH
40. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Rice Cake surprise.
41. Who Is Most Likely To Respond? Huh?
42. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? I don't know.
43. Living Arrangements? Basement.
44. What books are you reading? None.
45. What's On Your Mouse Pad? Nuthin.
46. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Nuthin
47. Favorite Smells? Sunshine
48. Favorite Sounds? laughter
49. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles.
50. What's the furthest you've been from home? Spain
51. Do you have a special talent? YES underarm noises.
52. If you could travel anywhere, without finances being an issue, wherewould you go? Canada and then maybe Iowa.
53. How long has it been since you last saw the person that sent this to you? They haunt me constantly.
54. Would you like to see them soon? Why not.
55. If you could be someone for one day who would you be? Adriana Lima's wash rag.
56. If you won the lottery what would you spend it on? Hungy Children and traveling.
57. What is the longest friendship you have? My imaginary friend Binky. He tells me to burn stuff.
58. If you could live anywhere in the world where would you live? New York, again
59. What is the one thing in your life that you would change? the size of my peni... um my hair.

wow that was too long.

Love,

Undr

PS Love ya, mean it!

Prunes Prunes good for the butt...

2006-04-12T06:31:00.000-04:00

Dear Undies,

Most of you know me as a being a non-political tree hugging, baby seal beating, meat eating vegetarian. But deep down inside I have a soft spot for courageous fruit.

As I was reading my daily dose of por... um... I mean...crocheting websites, I stumbled across this report. Apparently prunes are possibly the bravest fruit you will ever meet...or eat for that matter.

True, it had been considered for years to be solely responsible for exploding diarhea among the elderly, but now prunes are actually considered heroes from WWII. According to the aforementioned report they were used as a secret weapon in transporting maps documents and believe it or not raisins. Ok maybe not raisins.

The point is, we must take out time from our busy schedules, have a moment of silence and salute this patriotic fruit. Yes, we salute you, old mighty Prune. Yes, The whole world thanks you!

(Disclaimer: Despite what you think these are not rabbit droppings, although they very well could be.)

Here's a poem:

Prunes, Prunes good for the heart

The more you eat

The more you clean your colon and save the world.

(It's not supposed to rhyme!)

I just wish those lazy nectarines would learn something from the prunes. Stupid nectarines. We love you Pruneys!

Love,

Undr

PS Let's keep in mind those who are sick among us, like Linda or those who have stapled their fingers or any others who ain't doin' so good. Get well soon. Love ya mean it.

PPS: Make sure you check out the linky links, they talk about deeper stuff like the effects of Avocados during the Civil War. Guacamole Unite!

****Update***** I just got a message: Apparently, the California Raisins are a little bit pissed that I didn't mention their efforts for making Raisins "cool to eat." My apologies. In my defense, I just think they're creepy.

If you need me I'll be in the corner...crying.

2006-04-11T07:32:00.000-04:00

Dear Undies:

I hope everyone's weekend was as fantabulistic as mine. I went jogging on Sunday and I regained consciousness on Tuesday. I think that's normal. Hey! What's this IV doing stuck in my arm? Oh no worries! It's a non-fat Wheat Germ and Seaweed flavored Soy milk shake IV. mmmmm yuck!

Anyways, What in the blue blazes is wrong with me? Sheesh!

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul.

I cry when I see those sad, sad commercials involving scantily clad woman wrestling.

You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have.

Heck no! I moisturize.

Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone.

Yes, I call it my "Dark place" and there's always cotton candy and Gin.

You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time...

and they stop laughing at my beanie. It has a propeller, ya know!

How Is Your Inner Child?

umm I think I need a drink. Shirley Temple anyone?

Love,

Undr(crying on the inside... big baby)

PS Thanks for your WHWLTW contributions. I raaaally appreciate it! Love ya, mean it!

WHWLTW? Yet, again.

2006-04-08T00:07:00.000-04:00

Dear Undies:

Guess what time it is kiddies!? No, it's not time to change you 3-day old diapers. It's time for WHWLTW? Now if you're visiting here for the first time or have the memory of a fruit fly, you may be asking yourself, what in the Hellemenopee is WHWLTW? Well, I'll tell ya, fruity! It stands for What Have We Learned This Week? It's an ongoing segment here at Da' Corner. Sorta like Kate Couric's evil plans to take over the world, but different.

This is how it works. I tell you what I learned and if you're so kind you can let me know what you learned. If you don't I will cry until I poop my pants. Which I can totally do without crying.

Anyways, this is what I learned this week...

1. Dewey has not had a cigarette for 10 days! (In Cigarette quitting years, that's about 2 years.) Keep up the good work and for the love of mike please stop stabbing that pillow with a Bic pen!

2. Anika has delighted us with 300 posts! Great Job! As a prize I have 300 packs of cigarettes I confiscated from Dewey's Home. Hey it's never too late to start and then quit.

3. I definitely getting my hair cut at Trollz Cutz. Finally a hair salon that caters to the Hip Troll looking crowd. I can't wait for Trollz Tanz or Trollz Full Body Chemical Peelz. You know, I am so there!

4. Eminem and Kim are getting a divorce. Ummmmm... Can I get a DUUUUUH?

5. Lindsay "Heroine Skank" Lohan showed her bootay at a Nickolodeon Kids Choice Award. Sure they don't arrest HER, but I show my booty at that old folks home ten times and all hell breaks loose.

6. The Simpsons are making a movie! Suuuhhhwweeeeet! I am standing in line as we speak.

7. and finally...I learned that I have lost 9 lbs in two weeks. Yahhoooo! Of course, I did have a 7 lbs mole removed from my butt cheek. I call him "Moley". Maybe I'll have him stuffed and placed on my mantel as an ornament. Ha-ha! Just kidding. I don't have a mantel. I'll just put him in the fridge next to Stoney, my Golf ball shaped Kidney Stone.

Well that's what I learned this week. What about you? Let me know, if not make it up.

Love and junk,

UNdr

PS Thanks for another great week! Love ya, mean it!

Quote of the Week: "Today I feel good, because I do feel. Something, anything, other than numbness. It's what makes me remember I'm alive, not just existing.
I don't know why I feel different now, but I'll take what I can get and enjoy it while it lasts."
(Terri of Terri's Web Stuff fame.)

Another meme

2006-04-07T00:30:00.000-04:00

Dear Undies,

As you very well know, I am always trying to get you to know me a little better. Therefore, I have inundated you with more meme's than you can shake a stick at. I mean, try it! Yeah go ahead. Shake a stick at it! You see? I told you so!

Anyways, here is another little peek up the skirt of my life. (Just as you suspected, "Sponge Bob Square Pants" Suede G-String."

Here we go...

If you were a food, what would you be?

Normally, I would say General Tso's Chicken, but I am on a diet. Therefore, it's Rice Cake and Water Surprise. ( The surprise is there is no water.)

What do you think is the greatest invention?

Toilet Paper.

Why?

I am a Toilet Paper Origami master. My specialty is "The Square"

What is your earliest childhood memory?

I remember thinking what the hell is up with this "Duck-Duck Goose" crap?

Is there something that you memorized long ago and still remember?

The Rap in the New Edition Song "Cool it Now" Ronnie Bobby Ricky and Mike, if I like the girl who cares who you like.

Which way does the toilet paper roll go? Over or under?

Undr, baby. It's always Undr! Actually, I thought it was front to back...erm nevermind.

What is your favorite season of the year?

Autumn and Wabbit.

Why?

I just do. Sheesh!

What superpower would you like to have?

Fly.

What would you do with it?

Fly and spit on unsuspecting bad people.

If you had to move to another state, which one would you choose?

Canada. I know it's not a state...yet.

Why?

I love frost bite in the summer time and for draft dodging purposes. Oh yeah and quaint 2 story Victorian igloos.

Well, that's it. Now, if you don't mind, I am off to join a Biker Gang. It's called the Ya-Ya Sisterhood of Traveling Pants. They have cool pink pleather jackets with fuzzy pom-poms and matching switchblades. We are so bad!

Love,

Undr

PS If you've reached this message in error please hang up and dial again. Love ya, mean it!

sexy sexy

2006-04-06T07:50:00.000-04:00

Dear Undies:

I'd like to congratulate Ms. Scarlett Johansson for being voted the Sexiest Woman according to FHM magazine.( Now, in my defense I'd like to say that I only buy FHM for the articles about Scrapbooking and Crocheting. Honest!)

Hubba Hubba Meoooow! Hissss! Buuuuurp! (oops)

Now if you'll excuse me, I am writing Ms. Johansson my 1,237th marriage proposal. Oh yeah, I know she'll come around.

Besides that restraining order... honest mistake! I just know it.

love,

undr(stalker for the stars)

PS But she's not as sexy as you. Love ya, mean it!

Air geetar!

2006-04-05T00:05:00.000-04:00

Dear Undies,

Here is the list of Top Ten Guitar Solos of all time. So break out your air geetars and start rippin!

For those of you who can't play the air guitar, you may choose any air instrument. Like the Air Kazoo or the Air Ukelele or even the Air Dijeridoo

Top 10 Guitar Solos

1. Led Zeppelin - Stairway to Heaven
2. Van Halen - Eruption
3. Guns N' Roses - Paradise City
4. The Eagles - Hotel California
5. Metallica - Enter Sandman
6. Cream - Crossroads
7. Jimi Hendrix - Voodoo Child (Slight Return)
8. Ozzy Osbourne - Crazy Train
9. Free - All Right Now
10. Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody

Personally, I'm a little surprised Raffi isn't here but I guess it isn't everyone's cup o' tea.

Love,

Undr

PS Rock on! Love ya, mean it!

Yup I'm a wacko!

2006-04-04T00:06:00.000-04:00

Dear Undies:

Here are the results of my Personality disorder test. Yes, even I have issues.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Moderate
Schizoid Disorder:	Moderate
Schizotypal Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Disorder:	Low
Borderline Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Disorder:	Moderate
Narcissistic Disorder:	Low
Avoidant Disorder:	Very High
Dependent Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

I'm avoidant and dependant. Dude, I am all messed up!

Love,

Undr(Damaged Goods)

PS Thanks for your WHWLTW entries. They were lovely and disturbing but mostly lovely. Love ya, mean it!

WHWLTW? April fool edition.

2006-04-02T19:23:00.000-04:00

Dear Undies,

Can you believe it? Another week has flown by. And I know, because of all of droppings on my shirt. Anyways, it's time once more for another WHWLTW? Which stands for What Have We Learned This Week? It's like IBS without the constipation or the massive stomach cramps.

It kinda works this way: I tell you what I learned and then you tell me. It's not that difficult, I promise. Let us begin...

This week I learned....

1 That there is an actual Skin Rash Hall of Fame. Crunch Berry Cereal anyone? Anyone? Bueller?(Not for the faint of heart.)

2. That when you get a blinding food craving, it helps if you brush you teefs. Apparently, this helps to calm it down. I guess this would work, if I didn't have bacon-flavored toothpaste. mmmm. (Thanks Skivvy)

3. Love on Ebay may not be a good thing. Now, selling your grandma's nose hair...that's different.

4. Watching a professional Basketball game is fun.

5. Watching a hockey game is funner. I had such a great time. I sat next to these crazy fans. They were drinking, yelling, spitting, and cussing. And that was before the game even started. I'm gonna miss those wacky old ladies.

6. There is also a Museum of Hoaxes. (Click to see top 100 April Fool's Hoaxes of all time.)

7. and lastly, if you want to graduate from Anger Management Class don't threaten someone's life. I'm sure that's covered on the first day.

That is what I learnded this week, howsa bout joo? Let me know if not make it up.

Love,

Undr

PS Thanks for stopping by. Love ya, mean it!

Update!

2006-03-31T17:20:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

My diet is going well. I have only hurt two old ladies in a non-carb-nonfat-non-food rage. Just a little, though. Sorry, Mrs. Hoffenheimer and Mrs. Bloombergerwitz.

Anyways, just a quick update. Tonight I'm going to a basketball game. Tommorrow I will be at my first hockey game! Yahoooo!

Don't worry I'm takin' all my lovely blog girls in cardboard cut-out form. Yes, and I will get you a coke and hot dog. None for me, though, I'll just have a wood flavored rice cake.

Love,

Undr

PS Love ya, mean it!

Ebay love...is there any other kind?

2006-03-30T07:12:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

Thanks for your dieting advice. I feel so pumped about losing weight that I just rented Richard Simmons' "Sweatin' to the Soothing Sounds of Michael Bolton as sung by William Shatner". Granted it hasn't made we want to excercise. But it does make me want to vomit. Hey, that works too!

Anyways, this young lady, an entrepenuer of sorts, has tried to sell herself on ebay to pay for college.

Huh, all I did was visit the local fertility clinic. (If you're wondering, I never got paid. But there a bunch of little kids that look like me...coincidence?)

I know what you're thinking, she sorta looks like Anna Nicole Smith's left boob. But who am I to judge? I guess a girl needs to eat and go to school. So for the love of Mike, please take this young lady out on a date and who knows? She might even mug you.

Of course, I would date her but I'm Baaaa-roke and I look like Anna Nicole's Right boob...the ugly one.

love

Undr

PS while you're on ebay you may want to look at my collection of celebrity belly button lint. You should see David Hasselhoff's it looks like Condoleeza Rice. Love ya, mean it!

Maybe it should be re-titled "6 Ways to get stabbed in the eye and get your pee-pee chopped off."

2006-03-28T17:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

Umm this guy is asking for trouble. He writes 6 ways of telling your girlfriend/lover/wife/30 minute hooker, that she's put on a little weight.

"1- "I don't like the way that outfit looks on you anymore."
Every woman has a go-to getup. If you don't know it, you don't know her well enough to discuss her flabby stomach. The only thing that could ever change the way an outfit looks is the way it fits. Tell her you aren't sure why it looks odd, suggest a looser knit, and watch her forever skip the nachos with cheese.

2- "I can't get over how fat I feel."
Women have been commiserating with each other for eons about the thickness of their thighs. If you launch a pity-party of your own about how heavy you feel, and let her know at every turn, she'll become fat-obsessed by osmosis. Women have been doing it to each other since the dawn of public washrooms.

3- "Your friend isn't nearly as attractive since she gained that weight."
Be careful. Delivery is everything. Pick her homeliest friend and let your most outrageous BS fly. Pick an attractive pal, and you'll be explaining your wandering eye till you give her a ring. Focus on the improbable target, and she'll be thinking that if you find her bookworm buddy hefty, perhaps a diet should be on her docket.

4- "I have a new female trainer at the gym."
She'll never suggest fewer trips to the gym, but it will drive her bonkers to think that another woman is spotting your squat thrusts. She'll sign up and show up within 24 hours just to keep an eye on you.

5- "The saleswoman said it was for smaller women."
If you want your baby to shed some baby fat, spend a couple of bucks on a nice little fashion piece a couple of sizes out of her reach. If she is thin in your eyes, and the only thing telling her otherwise is a piece of clothing, she'll work morning, noon and night to fit into that cursed thing.

6- "Let's help each other lose a couple of pounds?"
Let's face it. If you tell your girlfriend to lose some weight, she'll withdraw your all-access pass to her wonderful folds. But an honest commitment to work together to become fitter and shed some unwanted girth can only be met with the excitement that your investment in her is the same as what she is willing to invest in you. Losing weight is no small task. Make her sure you're worth it. "

I guess this guy wants to be stabbed repeatedly with an epilady or something. Sheesh!

Anyways, I have to let you know that today I am officially starting my diet. I figure if I want to be the next David Hasselhoff, I have to do something about my widdle belly.

Let me give you a brief overview of today's menu.

Breakfast

One lonely lonely pear. (it tasted like an old shoe that was floating on a diaper in the sewer)

Lunch

Chicken salad with lo fat salad dressing.(this tasted like roadkill with a hint of grass)

Dinner:

I will be having a tuna salad with almonds and lo fat ranch dressing(I assume this will taste fishy and ranchy but in a low fat type of way.)

Midnight Snack:

A half glass of distilled water. (only half cuz I may wet the bed)

2 am snack

Not really any food but by this time I will be having some major withdrawal symptoms which normally involve me eating my socks.

Honestly, what I really want to have is...

...A Gummy bear chocolate ice cream with fudge and cookies salad. (est. calories 123,999 and 158 grams of fat per serving. 8 servings per salad.) All this while sitting in a bathtub full of whip cream and nachos.

So as you see, It's gonna be a long and winding and bingeing and purging road.

To tell you the truth, I'm not that overweight. I just want to be healthy and ready for an Undr Thong Bikini Summer.

So I figure if I lose at least a pound every two months I should be ok by the time I'm sixty. Which is cool cuz that's when they allow you on nude beaches anyways.

So, my fellow undrians, it's time for Undr's Diet. Wish me skinny!

Love,

undr(3ft tall and 765 pounds of love and flab)

PS Have I told you lately that I love you? Love ya, mean it!

Double PS and a South Beach Diet Granola Bar: Any diet suggestions? Let me know.

WHWLTW? Ok so I'm late. Sue me!

2006-03-26T22:31:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

It’s time once again for WHWLTW? It’s just like that rash on your hiney that won’t go away. “WHWLTW?” is an acronym for What Have We Learned This Week?

And the way it works is simple. I tell you what I learned and then you tell me. It’s so simple a monkey with a P.H.D. in Poop Eating could figure it out.

Anyways, this is what I learned this week...

1. My job is taking up too much of my “me” time. The butt groove(gluteus indentation) in my couch is actually coming apart. It took me a good 15 years to make it “just right!”

2. There is an exhibit to commemorate Britney Spears’ fertility. Honestly, I just thought she was a Grade A skank, which is a feat in itself. Go figure!

(One is a smelly hairy beast with fangs and the other is a bear skin rug. You make the call.)

Here’s are some more pics. I don’t know if they're safe for work but you may want to gouge your eyes out with a spoon afterwards. I know I did.

3. At the age of 30, I can still produce a zit the size of Texas on my cheek. What the heck is up with that? Actually, I think it’s my Siamese twin finally rearing his ugly head. I will name him Pimply Pimpletonsteinheimerschmidt. I tell you what...That’s the last time I eat chocolate and cheese smothered Oreos and Bacon wrapped lard .

4. and finally, I’m a big meanie pants. Thanks Shannon! umm wait a minute!

Well, that’s about it. What about you? Let me know, if not make it up!

Love,

Undrini Meanie

PS I promise I will get around to commenting on all your wonderful blogs. Just a bit busy, is all. Love ya, mean it!

Undr's Advice O' the Day

2006-03-24T07:38:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

When at a Funeral, do not, I repeat, do not start a conversation with the question: "Do you know what I like about dirty monkey love?"

Everyone will turn and gasp in unison.

I'm just saying is all.

Love,

Undr(I'm like Dear Abby but with a pee-pee)

PS Do you have any advice for me? Let me know. I need all the help I can get! Love ya, mean it!

Is it getting hot in here?

2006-03-23T07:58:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

Ummm...

Your Famous Movie Kiss is from Cruel Intentions

"I'm the only girl you can't have, and it kills you."

Ewww Germs! Sexy Lesbian Love Germs!

What Famous Movie Kiss Are You?

Love,

Undr

PS Love ya, mean it!

Heh-heh I stole this from Anika, and shee doont knoow it!

2006-03-22T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

Since I was away for a few weeks I figured most of you have forgotten the little things about me that make me creepy. So, to help all you cute little amnesiacs, here is a little meme for youyou.

Please read on...

1.Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Yes. Although I've never had a cavity search. Well except that time in gym class. Mrs. Butchy was kinda weird now that I think about it.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
Yes. Especially the Dumbo ride. SCAAAARY!

3. When was the last time you went sleigh riding?
Not since that sleigh ride-by where they gunned down the Easter bunny.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
I like to sleep with someone. That's why I keep Corspey McCorpse in my closet. Sure he reeks of Formaldehyde, but doesn't everybody?

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
No

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
Yes. Here is a poem.

Do not use Nair

Especially on your Hairs,

Down there.

Ouchies!

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
No but he did borrow my knife and never gave it back....hmm?

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
I will be the ham in that sammich anyday. They could spread me like strawberry jam on toast. They could cover me in mayonnaisse and call me tuna. They could...ok this maybe getting a leeetle creepy.

9. Can you honestly say you know anything about politics?
I am a Repubocrat Commie.

10. Do you know how to play poker?
No. But I challenge anyone to Strip Old Maid.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
I don't know.

12. Do you kill bugs that are in the house?
You betcha. I kill all bugs! They must Die. Are parakeets bugs? No? D'oh!

13. Have you ever cheated on a test?
Yes. I would make a cheat sheet and eat the evidence afterwards. Luckily, I always used fruit roll ups.

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around, do you go through red lights?

No. I drive naked though. Who knew it was illegal? Of course, I do drive a moped.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
A few. One involving Corpsey McCorpse.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
YAAANKEEEES! Even when they suck! I despise the Red Sox like I despise that weird rash I have on my bottom.

17. Have you ever ice skated?
Yes. I can't ice skate though. I didn't know Ice Skating was on the Canadian Citizenship Exam. D'oh!

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
Sometimes. Especially the ones involving Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. They can spread me like peanut butter on pumpernickel bread...

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you were crying?
It's been a while.

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?
Eleanor Rigby, Can't Buy me love, Hey Jude, I wanna hold your hand, Boyz N the Hood, My Humps.

21. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Unfortunately, yesh!

22. Do you know who BaBa Booey is?
Yup.

23. Do you always wear your seat belt?
Yuppie-yup.

24. What talent do you wish you had?
I wish I was a talented guitar player.

25. Do you like Sushi?
Yup

26. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?
Yup.

27. What do you wear to bed?
Depends on how tired I am.

28. Have you ever been caught stealing?
Yes. I was never arrested though. The store owner did give me a cavity search. He was kind weird, now that I think about it.

29. Does size matter?
Size? Of course not. All the girls I've been with say they laugh because they're happy...ummm...Wait a minute!

30. Do you truly hate anyone?
Yes, that stupid Dyson Vaccuum guy. I hope he gets explosive colon rupturing diarhea

31. Rock and Roll or Rap?
Rock and Roll! I don't hate rap.

32. Do you have a relative in prison?
No. Well, I have an ex. He was my cell mate. I miss you Twinkles!

33. Have you ever sung in front of the mirror like your favorite singer?
Duh, Barry Manilow!

34. Do you know how to play chess?
Sort of. I just throw the pieces at the other player and I run away.

35. What food do you find disgusting?
Broccoli and most vegetables and poop.

36. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours?"
Yup. Again, it was with my gym teacher. She was kinda weird.

37. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
Nah.

38. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
Yes.

39. Have you ever been punched in the face?
Yes. Darn You Susie Higginbottam!

40. When is the last time you threw up from drinking too much?
2005

41. Have you ever walked out on a movie at the theater?
Yes. Even at my house. I just left and came back when the movie was over.

42. Do you ever sit through a bad movie, just to see how bad it got?
Yes.

43. Would you consider yourself obsessed with anything/anyone?
Nope. *polishing my collection of angelina jolie's toe nails*

44. Have you ever met someone famous?
Yes. The Maytag Man's Cousin's Next Door Neighbor's Gardener's Oven Mitt.

45. Have you ever been stood up?
No.

46. When's the last time you screamed at the top of your lungs?
In the shower. "No Tears" Shampoo, my butt!

47. Did you ever do something that you didn't want to, but did anyway just to fit in?
Yes. I got stuck traveling the world as a Riverdance groupie. Talk about cavity searches...

Thanks for stopping by. Remember that's "Underachiever's Corner" Where, you come for the Boingy you stay for the Poop!

love,

Undr

PS I hope everyone has a great day. Love ya, mean it!

WHWLTW? Can I get a "Boingy!?"

2006-03-20T07:02:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies,

First off, I'd like to thank my fellow Undrians for stopping by and saying hello, despite my brief hiatus. I guess you must have felt like someone who constantly visits a comatose patient. (The smell of stale urine, included. Of course, that was there from way before.)

Anyways, thanks again for giving me an Undr's Corner record setting 31 Comments. The highest I ever had since I said that I was the offspring of a Pygmy warrior and a leprechaun. Those little pygmies are sure feisty.

Well, on with the putrid mix of poop and stupidity!

This week's WHWLTW? is brought to you by the Dominican Republic. (Advertising is part of a plea bargain for urinating on the Dominican President's lawn. Sorry El Dude-o!)

For those of you who have forgotten, WHWLTW? stands for What Have We Learned This Week?

I learned...

1. Don't drink the water... from a rusty can from the side of the road.

2. A whole new meaning to the expression Show me your mangos!

3. Most of the stuff I learned is pretty much a haze.

4. I'll caught up all your posts by the year 2017. Thus, your other assignment will be to give me a brief synopsis of what's been going on in your neck of the woods. For those of you who may be a little slow, you must do WHWLTW? and a Brief 2500 word essay on whatcha been doin' while I've been gone. Strangely, I did notice that some of my underwear was missing. So whoever took my commemorative Mary Lou Retton G-String, give it back.

That is what I sorta learned this week, how's about you? Let me know, if not make it up!

Love,

Undr

PS By the way, I am a converted Tighty-whitey's man.Missed ya, mean it!

WHWLTW? and WDYLWUWG?

2006-03-04T08:30:00.000-05:00

Editor's Note:

Dear Undies:

For the next 2 weeks, I will not be around. No, It's not a hiatus to find my inner child, who by the way owes me money. (Darn you Inner-Undr!) Actually, next week I will be in a Self-Help Seminar. It's the "Stop Whining you Whiney Bastard!" Seminar. It is from the Creators of other great Self help Seminars like "That's Right You Are a Loser!" and "Will You Just Shut the Hell Up and Get out of my Face!"

I will be back to my self-loathing self in no time.

And the following week, I will be taking a quick vacation in the Caribbean. Don't worry I will bring you a "Undr Went to the Caribbean and all he got was this lousy crotch lice" T-Shirt, for everyone of ya.

Anyways, The show must go on!

Love,

Undr

PS: I ain't done yet!

Dear Undies:

Another week has hit us like a ton of bricks in the groin. It is time for WHWLTW? What in the Hellman's mayonnaise is that? Well, I'll tell you. It stands for none other that What Have We Learned This Week? It's a weekly post that I do every week, weekly. It works like this: I tell you what I learned and then you do the same. You got it? Good?

This Week I learned:

1. Biting people in a club is not appropriate. Is nibbling wrong too? How about gnawing?(Thanks Shannon!)

2. There has been a lot of 80's and 90's talk around blogolia this week.
That is why I am going to tell you the things I remember about the 80's and maybe the 90's. (This is particularly difficult because that era is very hazy to me. I mixed Pop Rocks and Coke to many times.)

I remember Romper Room

I remember "The very special "Different Strokes" when Dudley, Arnold's friend is molested by the Maytag Man.

I remember having a crush on Punky Brewster.

I remember Silver Spoons. I wanted to be Ricky Schroeder so bad!

I remember Solid Gold

I remember New Coke

I remember Falling in love w music

I remember The Challenger Tragedy

I remember Trapper Keepers

I remember the Miami Sound Machine. (Come and shake your body baby do that conga!)

I remember Lionel Richie

I remember Genesis,

I remember "My Adidas"

I remember Gremlins

I remember PeeWee's playhouse, (Meka leka hi meka hiney ho!)

ok I'll stop now.

now where was I? Ah yes...I also learned...

3. That I can never ever eat crinkle French fries AGAIN! Let me explain. I was waiting to get my haircut at the local Massacres R' Us Hairstylist. (Note: I have a don't usually go to these places, but my normal Barber was out of town. Darn you Indian Reservation Casinos!)

So, while I was waiting this lady that's sitting next lays her baby boy in the empty chair between us and starts to change her baby's diaper. The lady did say apologetically that she was up next and the restroom was out of order and that she hoped I didn't mind. To which I said, "Get out of here you crazy wacko diaper changing harlot!" but that was on the inside. On the outside, I said; "Oh I don't mind. I salute you for being such an intrepid warrior in favor of diaper changing in public places"(that last part was also on the inside)

During all this time, her other child a little girl, who I'm sure was fathered by Satan or at least on of his minions, like a Enron Executive, is just staring intently at the boy's Christian parts. Then the little spawn of the devil, opens her mouth and she utters words that burned into my cranium. She said "Ewww momma his bing-bing looks like a crinkly French fry. I'm sure the crinkly French Fry industry is gonna use this to promote their product.

There motto will be "Buy Crinkle Fries! Resembling male genitalia since 1904!"

This is what I learned this week how about you? Let me know it not make it up.

Also,

Because of my non-hiatus hiatus, I have invented a new segment here at Da' Corner! It's WDYLWUWG?

Don't try to pronounce it! In Rumanian that means, "I have a Goat's Testicle hair in my Cheese."

In Undranian it means What Did You Learn While Undr Was Gone?

This is how it works. While I'm gone you write in the comments section something you learned while I was gone. The person who comments the most, will receive a prize. A restraining order you stalker! So, while I'm gone, just tell me whatever you like. If not make it up!

Thanks for stopping by and picking up after yourself.

Love,

Undr

PS I will miss every single one of you! Love ya, mean it!

Double PS: To help you while I am gone, I will write up a schedule so you know what to do with yourself without this pitiful blog to waste your time on. Here it goes:

Your Schedule While Undr is Gone

Monday: Read all my old posts and translate them into Ancient Yiddish. (Oyeth Veyeth!) and then cry in the fetal position while screaming "Undr I done miss ya!" at the op of your lungs.

Tuesday: Read all my old posts and find the missing message to the Alien Overlords, when they come for us. And then Continue crying in the fetal position while screaming "Undr!" at the top of you lungs.

Wednesday-Sunday: Pretty much the same as the above. You may want to pee in between your crying episodes. I'm just saying is all!

Have a good couple of Weeks!

What the haw?

2006-03-02T23:02:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

Do you come here often? Can I buy you a drink? Can you not pepper spray me?

Apparently, I am a Seducer of Au Natural proportions. (Au Nautral is french for Au Gratin) Anyways, here are the results of another one of those quzzies. Next week, I'll take the "what kind of stalker are you?" quiz. I'm sure I'll get a high score.

So read on, maybe you likey, maybe you don't!

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it.

Undr's Pick up line: Would you like to hear me burp the Les Miserables Soundtrack? Cuz I can you know.

That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power!

I can seduce you, but I don't know whyyyy?

The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism.

I am so happy to be innocent.

You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world.

I am the only citizen of my unique little world. I'm trying to get myself deported!

Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in.

My Paradise reeks of suckitude.

You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you?

Ha-ha there's a toothpick in my eye. Oh joy!

You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways.

and then I proceed to send him to his room. Bad Bad inner child. You don't go potty on the floor! Ok maybe a little.

Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you.

Does not! Does too! Does not! Does too!

As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

and that's when I get them to do my bidding. hahahahahhahahahahahaha *cough* *cough* *cough* *hack* hahahahahahahahahahaha!

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

If you'd like to take this quiz go for it. If you don't can you at least stop by and say hello. I get lonely sometimes. Just leave the pepper spray at home.

Love,

Undr

PS thanks for playing along in my last post. I hope Sadie gets that Ipod or the new and improved I-Poop. Love ya, mean it!

Song in my head

2006-03-01T07:26:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

Other than my normal thoughts of eating a three hundred pound turkey hot dog or inventing the African Booty Scratcher(patent pending), I get songs stuck in my head.

Right now, this one is floating around in there:

The world looks mighty good to me

Cuz Tootsie Roll is all I see

Whatever it is I think I see

Becomes a Tootsie Roll to me

Tootsie Roll how I love your chocolatey Chew

Tootsie Roll I think I'm in love with you

Whatever it is I think I see

Becomes a Tootsie Roll to me.

Someone shoot me, please. But make sure it's a flesh wound, I'm a bleeder.

Love,

Undr

PS Tell me what song is in your widdle head or at least a commercial jingle you love. Love ya, mean it!

Double PS with a bucket of Tootsie Rolls: Thanks for feeding me. Now, I will have to post on how you can make me lose the 100 pounds I gained from all that num num cooking.

Triple PS: Don't get me wrong I love Tootsie Rolls. They are chocolatey goodness in the shape of poopie! num num good! Still love ya, still mean it!

Feed me!

2006-02-28T00:50:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

I hope everyone's weekend was fun and exciting. Or the at the very least less than sucky. Mine was great!

The highlight, of course, was my blogoversary, which I was going to celebrate by playing Strip-Chutes and Ladders in a dark room with no windows while listening to the always happy music of the Cure. And no lonely anniversary party would be complete without crying in the fetal position for 2 hours while sucking on my big toe.

To my surprise, however, lots of people showed up to the party. Of course, most of them just stopped by to either ask for directions to the "Girls Gone Wild North Georgia: Redneck Skank Edition" being taped in my town or to ask, "Who the hell is Unger?" *sigh*

Anyways, the reason I'm writing incoherently is that I'm hungry. As you very well know, I am not very good in the kitchen. The last time I tried to cook, I started the California Brush fires. Sooory!

That's why, I'm asking you, my beloved Undies, to make me something to eat. So, let me know what special gourmet dish you can make while your Blood Alcohol Level is a whopping 4.0 and you wear your favorite grease-stained "Kiss the Cook" apron and multi-colored hairnet.

It could be any kind of food or food-like substance. Like, Semi-cooked Chicken Livers and Frosted Flakes or Hairball Soup Surprise or the very tasty Anchovy-Flavored Custard or if you're Linda anything with Crab in it! Whatever it is, make it quick, cuz I'ma hongree!

So, what are you cooking for Undr?

Let me know. Please hurry! My gay Chihuahua Brownie is starting to look scrumptious...and not just because he's wearing his butt-less chaps and his ten ounce cowboy hat.

Love,

Undr(Owner of Brokeback Brownie)

PS Thanks again for showing me some love. Love ya, mean it!

WHWLTW? First Blogoversary Edition

2006-02-26T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

For those of you who by accident hit the Next Blog button while reading the Nude Ostrich Wrestling Blog, I apologize. However, while you're here you may be wondering what in the Helsinki is WHWLTW? I will tell you, you freak. It stands for What Have We Learned This Week. It's an ongoing study of the reproductive organs of the semi-albino tree frog...no wait that's not it. Actually, it's a weekly thing we do here at "Da' Conah!" (Thanks Governor Schwarzenegger!)

It works this way: I tell you what I learned and then you do the same.

Comprende?

O-Tay Let me get started.

This Week I learned...

1. Martha Stewart and Donald Trump are having a little bit of a legal tussle. Does anyone care? Anyone? Bueller?Hello?

2. The beloved big purple McDonald's mascot, Grimace, is a taste bud. Wha-huh? I can't buhlieve it! I figured he was the end result of eating McDonalds on a regular basis. You know, purple poop. I guess I was wrong. (Thanks Janie of Planie Janie Fame)

3. That I am not worthy of a First Anniversary Tribute.(Thanks Lindy-Lin and crew!)

Yup, it is my One Year Blogoversary. That's right! One whole year of nonsense. Needless to say, I am having a good time and I've met some cool people. I'd like to say thanks for stopping by and reading this crapola. If this blog has been a success, I have you, the undies, to thank. If this blog sucks, that's totally on me. So if you'd like to participate in the festivities or just wanted get poop-faced drunk in a imaginary internet way, get crackin' and go over to Linda's Blog. If you wanted to get drunk fo' real then I'd start with Nyquil. It's the nighttime-sniffling-sneezing-coughing-aching-stuffy head-drunk fest starter-upper so you can rest medicine. Or so I hear.

This is what I learned this week. How about you? Let me know, if not make it up!

Love,

Undr

PS LOVE. YA. MEAN. IT!

Double PS with a side o' fries: Purple Poop, I could have sworn.

Music Meme

2006-02-23T07:31:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

I would like to introduce Samirah. She is a student/photographer of birds/rock and roll diva/professional procratinator and all around nice gal. I stole this from her. Maybe you'd like to try it. That way you're all accessories to the crime and then we can all go down... to-ge-ther! hahahahahaha!

So here is me stealing a meme from Sammi-Sam. Enjoy...or not.

Rules and Regulations:

Step 1)Choose a band or singer
Step 2) Answer the questions using only song titles
Step 3) Post
Step 4) Lather Rinse Repeat and do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around...

Artist: Dashboard Confessional

Describe yourself: This ruined puzzle

How do some people feel about you: So Impossible

How do you feel about yourself: Again I go unnoticed

Describe what you want to be: Vindicated

Describe your current mood: Living in your letters

Describe your friends: So beautiful

Share a few words of wisdom: If you can't leave it be, might as well make it bleed

There you have it. Let me be honest and say that I originally wanted to use William Hung but my current mood can not be describe by the song "She Bangs." It just can't!

Love,

Undipoopie

PS Thanks for playing along. Love ya, mean it!

But I thought I was a dark evil soul.

2006-02-22T07:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies,

I saw this quiz at the Diva of the High Desert's Blog. She let me borrow on one condition, that I advertise her World Famous Pet Fish Rock which happens to be on eBay. So here is my commercial for the Pet Fish Rock.

Mother: Timmy? Why are you so sad?

Timmy: Mom, I have no purpose in my life. If only I would have a Pet that doesn't poop and that I could use as a weapon. Oh yeah, and please don't send me to the Sylvan Learning Center, anymore! It's a sweat shop, you know.

Mother: Well, Timmy, I was saving this for Hanukkah but...

Timmy: Wow, I can't believe it! It's the Official Unadulterated Non-Fake Pet Fish Rock. I love it. Now I will bash that bully at school who keeps giving me Purple nurples.

Mother: Oh no you won't mister! You have to eat lunch first.

Timmy: Aww Mom. Ooookay.

Mother and Timmy just laugh, and laugh, and laugh.

Announcer: That's right! You too can be an ashamed owner of the Pet Fish Rock and be the first weird kid on your block to own a rock that's shaped like a fish, that's shaped like a rock.

So please, please buy this Pet Fish Rock.

I said...
BUY THE FISH ROCK OR SO HELP ME I WILL GIVE YOU A NOOGIE!

Ahem... Once again; The Pet Fish Rock!

totally taken without written consent of Major League Baseball and HDD. Sorry Divy.

*Disclaimer* Not to be used in conjunction with the Pet Koala Wooden Stake or the Pet Snake Barbwire or the Pet Monkey Bag O' Glass. May cause bloating, excessive urinary discomfort and oily discharge. As with any Pet Fish Rock, please consult a doctor. Especially, in the event that you swallow the Pet Fish Rock.

Anyways, here is the quiz. Personally I thought I had no soul.

You Are a Peacemaker Soul

You strive to please others and compromise anyway you can.

Which is so not true. Unless you say it is.

War or conflict bothers you, and you would do anything to keep the peace.

Well almost anything. I would never wear a beret to keep the peace. I would just look stupid and that's enough for me to start a war. Remember, Grenada?

You are a good mediator and a true negotiator.

Yes you should have seen me in the last major debate we had in our neighborhood. One Kid was saying that the Bratz could totally beat up Barbie and the other kid was like Whatever. And I said Shut up, Rainbow Brite could bust 'em all up.

Sometimes you do too much, trying so hard to make people happy.
True. I.AM. A. TOTE LUSE! (Thanks Ani!)

While you keep the peace, you tend to be secretly judgmental.

Not really. However, those culottes are so not flattering on her. It makes her thighs look ginormous. Peace!

You lose respect for people who don't like to both give and take.

I guess this is true.

On the flip side, you've got a great sense of humor and wit.

Not true. Have you read this blog. Sheesh!

You're always diplomatic and able to give good advice.

This is true, I always tell people " for the love of Mike don't rub salt in your eyes." Great Advice indeed.

Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior Soul, Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

because they can all beat me up. Except for Visionary Soul...I can take 'em.

What Kind of Soul Are You?

If you'd like to take the quiz go for it. If you buy the Pet Fish Rock then you will be helping humanity and preventing the death of baby Pandas and bums. No pressure. No pressure at all.

Love,

Undr

PS If the Diva gets upset for my unsolicited advertising, I'm gonna say you made me do it. Love ya, mean it!

Double PS with a can of Whoopass: Dewey, my long time friend is taking a Trip to Egypt in a few days. Please make sure you wave goodbye and wish her a nice trip. If you do, she promises to bring a Sand Globe for everyone. Get it? Sand Glo...Oh Forget it!

Love ya Dewey! Have a safe trip. Don't eat the yellow sand!

Muppets

2006-02-21T01:16:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies,

I loved watching the Muppet Show when I was a kid. I'll even go as far as admiting I even loved the Muppet babies. Now Fraggle Rock, that was creepy. Just kidding I loved those weirdos too.

Anyways, if you'd like, take the quiz and let me know which muppet is more like you. If not, at least tell me who is your favorite homemade sock puppet. Mine is Sembembo. He is my Sock Puppet Monkey/Agent/Mentor/Friend.

love,

Undr (A.K.A. Scooter!)

You Are Scooter

Brainy and knowledgable, you are the perfect sidekick.
You're always willing to lend a helping hand.
In any big event or party, you're the one who keeps things going.
"15 seconds to showtime!"

The Muppet Personality Test

PS: Love ya, mean it! Sebembo does too!

This makes my eyes hurt

2006-02-20T07:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

I hope everyone had a great weekend. I had a wonderful one involving drugs parties and lotsa and lotsa alcohol...ok I stayed at home and watched the Olympics. Sheesh! By the way Thanks for playing WHWLTW and for stopping by despite my nonsense! You guys are just swell.

Anyways, I stole this from Tina a.k.a. Tini.* She has a cool blog and let me tell you, I know cool. Look at my Tommy Bahama shirt, matching knee-hi socks and my sandals. I am SO gangsta.

Love

Undrini

PS If you'd like a word cloud click here and if you'd like a tattoo of your favorite gym teacher on the bottom of your foot...then you're pretty much on your own on that one. Love ya, mean it.

* I've seen this word cloud on other blogs too, like Cherishy, Anika, and a bunch of udders. Wow these are really small letters!

WHWLTW You thought it would go away? Shame on you!

2006-02-18T01:07:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

This week's WHWLTW is a direct result of mixing Gummy worms with Alcohol. It just ain't right. For the newbies who don't know much about the Underachiever's Corner, WHWLTW is an acronym for What Have We Learned This Week. It's like the WNBA but not as weird.

If you'd like to participate the rules are as follows:

I tell you what I learned this week and you tell me what you've learned.

Therefore, let me tell you what I learned this week.

I learned...

1. ...Dewey is 21 for the tenth year in a row sometime this month. Which means she is allowed to drink alcohol in the United States...again. Hooray! Of course, in Canada the drinking age is two weeks before you're actually born. So if you don't mind stop by and visit one of Canada's treasures, her name is Dewey.

[This is where her picture would be if I had permission to use it. Sure I probably could have just stolen it, but I kinda value my life. Besides most of her pictures are pasted on my Blog Stalking Collage Wall down in my basement as is yours.]

2. ...Thanks to Shari I have found another great website that's awesome, but that I have no time to look at. It's the Found Magazine site. I hope they find my love letter to Leif Garret before he gets it. Why? Because he is such a druggy and I don't happen to like men. At. All. Well, maybe after a few drinks...and dinner definitely dinner.

3. ...that if I had to put 6 things in a time capsule it would be this: (For Gunny)

1) I-pod

2) Coldplay CD's

3) Lotsa Candy i.e. Now and Later's; Jolly Ranchers, Riesens, Sugar Daddies...

4) A copy of Shel Silverstein's book, Where the Sidewalk Ends.

5) My journal.

6) A list of all the people that I love and that make me smile.

Most of these things are useless to future generations, but because I want my head frozen until they find a cure for what killed me, I may need these things later.

4. This song makes me want to dance or something like it, "A Praise Chorus" by Jimmy Eat World. Crimson and Clover, over and over.... Grody jo-dee loves this song too. Just like she loved her famous Cheddar Cheese and Ice cream in Pickle juice Soup while she was pregnant. Mmm mmm good!

5. Rolling Stone Magazine announced that Chris Martin from Coldplay was voted the Music World's Ugliest man. To which I say, what about Melissa Etheridge? Now that's an ugly guy, if I ever saw one.

BTW Fantasia was voted the Ugliest Woman. To which I say...wait...no she is ugly...carry on.

I believe that's all I learned. How about you, if not make it up.

love,

Undr

PS Thanks for stopping by and reading this malarky. By the way Tini, it was true. Love ya, mean it!

Love is in the air or is that catfish?

2006-02-16T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

There was a lot of love in the air yesterday. I don't really know why.

Consequently, all this love, a particular song and eating a Oreo I found in my glove compartment made me remember one my true brushes with love and that eating an Oreo from my glove compartment is probably not a good idear. (Is the white stuff supposed to be bubbling like that?)

Anyways, I was listening to a song by James Blunt. It's a song called "You're Beautiful" . The cliff notes explanation of this song is; It's about a woman the singer shared a "look" with, only to realize that he will never be with her. It's actually a nice little tune. On the sappy-sap meter it measures a 10.2. Which is pretty darn sappy, if you ask me. (Did you know that James Blunt's sister just married a guy? Her new name is Janie Blunt-Forcetrauma. It's kinda catchy)

Ok so I had one of those "moments" once. It was some years ago, back when I was an aspiring lederhosen-wearing hand model. Actually, I was working in the Orlando International Airport. Whose motto is "At least we're not the Gateway to Hell. That would be Miami"

Once in a while, I would take my lunch break in one of the premier exotic gourmet restaurants located inside the terminal. This particular one was named "Chili's" Of course, being the adventurer that I am I decided to take the road less traveled and try something other than that stupid "Half a Turkey Club and Salad". Thus, resulting in my decision to eat the fried catfish. Unfortunately the fried catfish tasted...hmm how do you say? Oh yeah, like crap! DIS. GUS.TING! I don't know if it was that particular day or what, but that fish was not right. The thing tasted like a wet rag that had been under a washing machine for three weeks. It was gross! But, I digress, my apologies.

So, I was sitting alone, wishing that I had a tongue scraper, when I noticed a beautiful girl sitting right across me. She was unbelievably beautiful. You know that type of beautiful that people write about in poems and songs. Just to briefly describe her, she had these big blue eyes and long flowing black hair. But it was that smile that got me. It was a smile that angels envied.

Anyways, despite her beauty, and my lack of descriptive words, there was something odd about her. She wouldn't stop staring at me. That's right every time I looked up from my catfish hell plate, I'd see her looking at me and smiling no less. Truth be told I was surprised. Mainly because I am not Tall, Dark or Handsome. I'm more like Short, Pale and Gruesome.

Either way it didn't really matter because there was no way I would go and talk to her. I am shy to some extent and besides, she was surrounded by friends and that made this situation all the more awkward. It's one thing to crash and burn, but to crash and burn in front of a live studio audience, no freakin' way.

Yet, she wouldn't stop looking at me.

I figured, she must like a man in an airline uniform or I have something grotesque yet oddly fascinating growing out of my ear. Either way, I had to make my move. Unfortunately back then I didn't exactly have a "move" per se but I was going to go for it, regardless. There was no turning back.

As I mustered up the courage to go and talk to her, I saw her friends starting to leave. Crap! I had to do something.. I mean, I'm was in an airport for Pete's sake. "This maybe the last time I see this woman. It was now or never!" I thought to myself.

My mind was racing a mile-a-minute and when most of her party was making their way out, I decided I had to, at the very least, get a phone number, email, ring size...

So, I nervously approached her. Then I saw her reaching under the table. I slowed down because I didn't want to startle her and at the same token I wanted to be a good distance away in the event she was getting pepper spray from her purse.

As she reached under the table I had a few seconds to think things through and I had a brief epiphany. I knew what I had to do. I even had a vision. A vision of my future with this woman, having kids, growing old and celebrating our 50th Anniversary. Ok it was a stalker-ish vision, but give a guy a break!

Needless to say I could not let this opportunity pass. She could be the one, for all I knew.

But all these dreams came to a screeching halt when I saw two things that crushed my soul.

One, her marriage ring and two, her seeing eye dog.

D'oh!

I think I would have preferred the pepper spray.

You can understand why I was a little disappointed. Sort of like the time I found out most the songs from "Wham" were written about a dude. (Wake me up before you Go-Go indeed!)

It's no wonder I blocked this out of my mind. Sorry you had to re-live it and with sucky storytelling no less.

Love,

Undr

PS: Epilogue: the funny thing about this story is that as she passed by my table she asked her husband; "Ewww! What's that smell?"

Darn you, Catfish! Darn you to heck!

Double PS with Tartar Sauce: Love ya, mean it!

Questions revisited.

2006-02-13T23:39:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies,

I know I answered these questions just two posts ago, but Gunngirl threatened me with a severe eye-poking if I didn't answer them truthfully. Apparently, she doesn't believe David Hasselhoff could sing the blues. Sheesh.. Unbeliever!

Anyways, here is a truthful poke at these questions.

Name a CD you own that you think no-one else on your friendslist does :

Dashboard Confessional MTV2 Unplugged. (I think you had to be prepubescent to buy this CD. Which is ok because I'm kinda short and I resemble an an underdeveloped 12 year old girl. So, itzallgood!)

2. Name a book you own that you think no one else on your friendslist does:

One flew over the cuckoo's nest. (I know most of you might have the movie, but I have the book)

3. Name a movie you own on DVD/VHS/whatever that you think no-one else on your friendslist does:

Jane Fonda Work Out. (I don't know how it got into my video collection. I use it as a coaster when guests come over.)

4. Name a place that you have visited that you think no-one else on your friendslist has:

Baños, Ecuador. It's a small town at the base of a volcano. It's pretty cool.

5. Name a piece of technology or any sort of tool you own that you think no-one else on your friendslist has:

"Iludium pu-36 explosive space modulator" Oh wait that's Marvin the Martian.

My bad.

I am so gonna get my eye poked for this one. Sorry Gunny!

love,

Undr

PS Have you ever wondered what would happen if Canadians Ruled the World? Check this out via I got news for you.

Double PS with chocolate and roses:

make your own here.

Triple PS: For those of you who would like some mood music for V-day here is a great CD. It's called Shari's Parabola of Pain. It's just like Undr's Melanoma of Melancholy Mix Tape but different. Have a good one!

WHWLTW...yes, another one.

2006-02-12T22:58:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

This week's WHWLTW is a little late. But it's here nonetheless and as always I will dissapoint.

So what is WHWLTW? WHWLTW is part of this blog just like that weird looking birthmark on my butt is a part of me. WHWLTW stands for What Have We Learned This Week. I really don’t know what my birthmark stands for except that it resembles Oprah Winfrey back in her “Ugly Days”, you know, last week.

If you’d like to play along, it works this way: I tell you what I learned and then you tell me. It’s like, “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours”. Except you won’t laugh after I show you mine… or maybe you will.

Anyways, this week I learned…

1. Britney Spears is a heaping pile of maternal love.

2. It’s sunny and beautiful here in my neck of the ‘hood and 20 miles away there is a butt load of snow. Poo!

3. No matter what they tell you, fried chicken livers are not tasty.

4. Vice President Cheney shot someone. Apparently it was a dispute which kinda went like this:

VP Cheney: "Taste Great!"

Dude who would eventually get shot: "Less Filling!"

and the rest as they say is history... or a cover up.

5. And finally I learned that I have nothing to say about this picture. It just makes me laugh.

So this is what I learned this week. I know, it's not enough for a scholarship to Shloopies Barber College, but hey, there's always next year. What did you learn? Let me know, if not make it up.

Love,

Undr

PS I hope everyone had a great weekend. Love ya, mean it!

I got your Schedule Outage, RIGHT HERE!

2006-02-10T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies,

Being a Bloggity-blogulicious blogger that I am, I normally get tagged up the wazoo. Therefore here is another Me-me of Undrific proportions.

(I wish I remembered who I'm thief-ing this from but I've been taking expired Midols as part of my "Be sensitive in 2006 or I will beat the living tar out of you" campaign. If I stole this from you, please let me know. In which case I will get a lawyer and sue you for harassment and looking at me funny.)

Anyways, please read on and for the love of Mike, stop picking your nose! Ok, maybe just this one time.

Name a CD you own that you think no-one else on your friendslist does:

I'll give you four, cuz I am so gangsta in a non-threatening way.

1. Kool Mo Dee and the Vienna Boy's Choir sing Dolly Parton's Greatest Hits Vol. 1.
2. Learn to Speak French with a Canadian Accent(It's an educational musical)
3. Bathing for Dummies feat.the voice of James Earl Jones after sucking on Helium balloons.
4. David Hasselhoff/Adrian Zmed's sing the White boy blues. (Track 1: I stained my Izod shirt while sipping on Zima, cuz I got the blues.)

2. Name a book you own that you think no one else on your friendslist does:

Chicken Soup for the Anal Retentive Soul on Crack.

3. Name a movie you own on DVD/VHS/whatever that you think no-one else on your friendslist does:

A never-before-seen Shirley Temple movie.

Here is an excerpt of the Movie Trailer:

Announcer: "In a world where candy canes and lollipops bring smiles to children, there is one child whose fighting back... Shirley Temple stars in 'You Know Where You Can Stick That Lollipop, Bucko!' "

Coming soon to a theatre near a massage parlor, near a farmer's market, near a Dollar store near you.

4. Name a place that you have visited that you think no-one else on your friendslist has:

Constanza, Dominican Republic and the People's Republic of Hoboken NJ. (Motto: Yeah, yeah, we know it smells! Up YOURS!)

5. Name a piece of technology or any sort of tool you own that you think no-one else on your friendslist has:

A number 2 pencil that looks like it's made out of rubber when I hold it in my fingers and move it up and down. OOH look at the rubbery pencil! It's sooo freaky!

Well, my little spicy Chimichangas, I am official not it no mo'. And that is fo' sho'.

Love,

Undr

PS If you would like to answer these questions please feel free to do so. Or if you just wanna sit there and look pretty, well I ain't gonna stop ya. Love ya, mean it!

PPS Receiving a Lifetime Achievement Award will not cause the universe to implode. If I got a lifetime Achievement Award, the only known consequences are that there would be a perpetual smell of burning hair and that Telemundo would be broadcast in English:

Esmeralda: I love you Pepe!

Pepe: I love YOU Esmeralda! Umm...Are those Chimichangas on the Grill?...

So you see, No biggie! Still love ya, still mean it!

Poopie days are here again.

2006-02-09T01:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies,

Today is one of those poopie days. I'm bummed because I didn't win one stinkin' Grammy...again. This will be the 29th year in a row that I am neither nominated or even acknowledged by the Academy or is it by the Hairless Grammy Gnomes' Counsel?

Every year since I was this year old *holds up one finger*(No, not the middle one), I have been remaking the classic playground song, "Diarrhea". I've remade it with an instrumental background, in a Hip Hop/Salsa/Bluegrass style and even accompanied by the famous Boston Fart-like-Armpit-Noise Philharmonic. Notwithstanding, I have yet to receive a nod. Heck, I'd settle for a Payless Shoes 5 dollar Gift Certificate. (Which will buy you at least a baker's dozen of neon green plastic shoes in a size 9 Men's...)

The point is, I want to be recognized by the music industry for my talents as a musician. True, I sing like cats mating in a blender and the only instrument I play is a Sippy Cup with hole. But, I feel that my various interpretations of this classic song should garner me some kind of Achievement Award or at the very least a Gold Star Sticker on my forehead.

So, for those of you who have never heard this song, or have somehow blocked it out from the deepest darkest corner of your mind, here is an excerpt of "Diarrhea"--The Song:

"When you're climbing up a ladder

and you feel something splatter

Diarrhea, Diarrhea.

It's not very funny

but it's very hot and runny

Diarrhea, Diarrhea"

cha-cha-cha

Oh well whatayagonnado? Actually, I know whatamagonnado! By the power vested in me by the The Queen and Blimpo the Sea Monkey, my imaginary friend, I will allow you to give a Grammy to whomever you want. They don't even have to sing, dance or exist for that matter. Just Give a Grammy to anyone you think should get one. Like, your friends, family, janitor, blogger buddies, prison penpals and members of your peanut butter cup worshipping cult. Anyone! So, go ahead, give a Grammy to someone you love or at least someone you want to get to second base with. And of course please let me know, if not make it up!

Love,

UNdr

PS I appreciate you stopping by and using the restroom. Love ya, mean it!

Mr. Belding Rules!

2006-02-08T08:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

I recently took this quiz which is now a requirement in order to become a U.S. Citizen. So you defecting Canadians better start studying. Anywhoo, which Save by the Bell Character you be? Lo and Behold I have Screech-like qualities. Go figure. Take the quiz why dontcha?

Which "Saved By The Bell" Character Are You?

This is funny because I got hit by a car while trying to do fractions and trying to figure out the square root of 1233424897248249234u281 in my head, with my eyes closed, while hearing a Star Trek musical produced by me.

At least I'm loyal.

To me, Saved by the Bell, is what life is all about. It's social-political commentary on life in these modern times is both boisterous and discreet. Oh yeah, and, wasn't Kelly like super-hot?

Love,

Undr "Screech" Undrini

PS But not as hot as you. Thanks for playing along in my Deep Thoughts post and for reading this crap in spite of it. Love ya, mean it.

Deep thoughts by Undr

2006-02-07T00:52:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

How was everyone's weekend? My weekend was pretty decent. As you know, because you call the Psychic Friends Network more than it is required by law, I went down to the Gulf Coast. I guess I was naive to believe that things would be looking better by now. They didn't. Rebuilding is going to take years. Especially, since someone actually let me hold a hammer. I don't know why, but people started calling me "Katrino" for some reason. hmm?

Anyways, I was thinking about Groundhogs all weekend. Well, not really, because they look kinda mean, in a fat rodent whose famous for one day because of his shadow, kinda way. Actually, I was thinking about that Movie starring Bill Murray where he goes to a Groundhog Day Celebration. But the funny thing was that when he woke up the next morning it's still Groundhog day. That's right, everyday he wakes up it's Groundhog day. Come to think of it, I think the movie was called "Reliving the Same Wacky Day"

Anyways, here is the Deep Thoughts question...

Is there a particular day that you wouldn't mind experiencing over and over again?

It could be a day where you were very happy. Like the time you married Tom Green.

Or a crappy day that you wish you had the chance to fix. Like the time you married Tom Green.

Whatever it is, I would sure like to hear about it. Why? Because I'm, like, all up in you biznazz, that's why!

I may answer this on a later post.

Love

Undr

PS thanks for your wholehearted participation in last weeks WHWLTW? It made me feel all special-like. Love ya, mean it!

WHWLTW Groundhog Superbowl edition

2006-02-03T01:05:00.000-05:00

Editors notes: This week's WHWLTW is a teensy-winsy bit early. The reason is, this week I'm going down South-er to help repair some homes that are still damaged after Hurricane Katrina. What? Don't be so surprised. Believe it or not, I have a soft spot in my evil little prune-like heart . That is why I'm volunteering this weekend. Oh and it looks good on my parole sheet and my Webdate Profile.

Now, I realize that I have the construction ability of an armless epileptic monkey, but eh! it's the thought that counts. So later on today I'll be driving down early and I'll be coming back on Sunday. I hope not too late because I want to see the game. But, if you're having a Superbowl party, could you save me some hot wings, your famous dishwashing liquid-flavored soup and that batch of meth you've been saving since last year for occasions like this. Thanks! Now back to our showy-show.

Dear Undies:

It is time once again for America's favorite nonsenical segment here at the U-Corner. It's WHWLTW? For those of you who are visiting for the first and most likely the last time, WHWLTW stands for What Have We Learned This Week. It's sorta like PMS but you can't use it to justify murder. You. Just. Can't.

Anyways, here are the instructions: I tell you what I learned this week and you tell me what you learned. And always remember to keep out of the reach of children or creepy elves.

Yeah, I'm Tawkin' to YOU, Keebler!

Ok, this is what I done learnt.

1. That Walmart has built a new Supercenter 15 minutes from my house. At the same time I saw the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse galloping in my front yard. Don't worry, I clipped him with my shotgun.

2. That when you have an itchy left nipple it is not considered socially acceptable to scratch it.
I actually had to scratch myself by dry-humping a wall. Apparently, that isn't considered socially acceptable either.

3. I was taken to a Coldplay concert in cardboard cut-out form. Thanks Ani. Bubblewrap forever!

4. That I wish I had more time.

5. Our bodies are made of rainbows Here is the proof:

Blood=Red
Ear Wax=Orange
Pee=Yellow
Boogers=Green

Thanks Sadie.

6. Combing your hair with a fork is not as efficient as you might think.

7. Groundhogs are evil, but not as evil as raccoons. As a matter of fact, if a Raccoon sees his shadow on Feb. 2; the Easter Bunny dies.

8. and last but not least I'm tired. Me want to go beddy-bye.

Well, that is what I learned this week. What about you? Let me know, if not make it up.

love,

Undr

PS Thanks for stopping by. I always appreciate your comments, insults and evil-eyes. Love ya, mean it!

Double PS with pesto sauce: Have a great weekend. Go Steelers! Go Seahawks! (I am such a diplomat.)

State of the Union Address by Undr A. Chiever.

2006-02-01T18:10:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

I am the president of the United Provinces and unincorporated Townships of Undroopia. Which really is a ten by ten room in my mom's basement. Shhh! She doesn't know I been livin' here for the last 8 years. Anywhoo, it is a normal custom for me to have a State of the Union Address for my people. (A.K.A. my crew; my peeps; my posse; my pink pony brigade.) This was formally known as the State of my Bunions address, but thank goodness for sandpaper and hammers! Whew!

Therefore lets go now to my basement apartment and listen to the STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESSSSSSSSSSS!(you likey my announcer voice?) Already in progress...

Reporter: *whispering* We are all anxious to hear what President Undr has to say about the state of our union. Undr's administration has been plagued by controversy, lies, and locusts. However, despite these ever-increasing problems our president, my president, always has a smirk on his face. It's quite possible the smirk on his face is related to the fact that he still wears his first grade underwear or the chafing caused by E.U.O.T which in the medical community stands for Excessive Use Of Thongs.

In this reporter's humble opinion, I'd like to say that I think this President is the best one we've had and there is no doubt that his milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Additionally, I finally want to come out of the closet and profess my love for the President because I. Am. Ga..wait! The president is stumbling down the stairs and at this very moment is sitting down on the traditional Doritos and broccoli smelling La-Z-Boy. He checks his armpits to make sure that his B.O. count is at a low and proceeds to speak. Let's listen...

Undr: Ummm.... The state of the Union is...umm eh! I guess we're alright. How you doin'?

Reporter: The crowd goes wild in excitement. Mostly because the people in attendance are either senile or recovering meth addicts on crack. This concludes our Undr's State of the Union Address. We now return to our regularly scheduled program; "When Nuns Attack!" Followed by "Sex Operation Oopsies!"

Love,

Undr

PS Thanks for all your get-well wishes and letting me know what you want in a perfect partner/lover/disco-dancing yak. Love ya, mean it!

PPS: Remember to check out the Linky-links. You know you want to.

Speaking of Amish Erotica...My perfect partner

2006-01-31T23:50:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

I have been blindsided by a beautiful hockey-stick-flailing-pee-in-the-back-yard-when-she-was-little, Canadian maiden named Anika. Who loves me like the pet armadillo she never had or never wanted for that matter.

The rules are as follows: The tagged victim lists 8 different points of their perfect lover/partner, mentioning the sex of said partner. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on a post letting them know they've been tagged. If tagged before, no need to contribute.

Anyways here are 8 points that would make my partner/lover/hooker/plumber/and fry cook, perfect.

My perfect partner would be female because,they smell nice and some can cook which is good because I needs to eat.

My Perfect Partner ...

1. ...is someone I can trust.
2. ...is patient with me.

3. ...Loves me despite my flaws.
4. ...is humble
5. ...has beautiful eyes
6. ...is kind to others
7. ...loves to laugh
8. ...is someone I can talk to for hours at a time.

Ok here are the 8 cheeky monkeys that I will tag...

...aww I can't tag anyone. It just wouldn't be right, besides I run like a girl. I can never catch up with you. So, if you would like to answer this tag, go for it. If not, then, go to your room!

Love,

Undr

PS Thanks for participating in last weeks WHWLTW. I really appreciate it! Love ya, mean it!

WHWLTW...yes, even when I'm sick.

2006-01-28T01:23:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

The tides have brought us once again to the end of the week. Thus, making it necessary to do another WHWLTW. If you don't know what this is, well, not to worry, I will tell you. It stands for What Have We Learned This Week? It's like the BLT but with a helluvalot more calories.

The way this works is: I tell you what I learned and then you do the same. You got it, Corky? Good!

This is what I learned this week...

1. Working while you are sick is stupid. Although, the thought of infecting everyone in my place of employment with a bad case of the Ick, is pretty darn cool. muahahahahahaha!

2. That Carissa did not join the Samoan Army to battle the ever-growing population of Samoan Tree-humping Lizards. She was just busy, y'all! Oh yeah, and Shippy misses me. I miss ya too Shipster!

3. I should be a little more serious sometimes. I'm trying! That is why I am going to dedicate at least one post a week to my life's passion...Amish Erotica. (Most of the stories involve barn building, beard growing and praying...so it's really not that good.)

4. also that I have just alienated my Amish readers. First off I would like to say "I'm sorry" and also "Hey! You shouldn't have a Computer! Ooooh I'm telling the elders!"

5. That forgiving is way better than holding on to a grudge. It just hurts too much.

6. That some things are just not meant to be.

7. And finally that the WB and UPN networks are fusing to become the CW. One of the new shows on the new network is called Everybody Hates the Gilmore Girls from Smallville.

So my fellow Blogolians, this is what I learned this week. What about you? Let me know, if not make it up!

Love,

Undr

PS Thanks for making my week by stopping by and reading this crap. Love ya, mean it!

Have a great weekend!

4 out of 5 Dentists agree.. Undr is a wacko! oh yeah and Fat!

2006-01-26T16:00:00.000-05:00

You may have to click on the cartoon to see it better, Stevie Wonder.

Dear Undies:

Madam Cherish has done it again. She has asked another probing question. No, it's not which is better; the fluffy hand cuffs or the metal ones? (Although, come to think of it, that is a good question.) Actually, she has asked; "Does your blog mirror your personality?"

Apparently, she has met Blogolos (It's official, because it's in italics.) outside of the realm of Blogolia. Thus, she has been able to compare. I on the other hand have lifesize anatomically correct cardboard cut-outs of all of you. Well, except for a wallet-sized cardboard cut-out of Gareth. He's a leprechaun! I figure, why waste the extra cardboard.? I'm just sayin'...

Anyways, does this blog reflect who I am in the real world?

The answer is yes, if it's a fun house mirror.

I am somewhat like my blog, except I'm a little bit more reserved. I may say things here that I won't say in the outside world. One, because the FBI would arrest me and two, because I work in a Monastery. (You know, Vow of Silence and all)

Honestly, do you think that anyone could say "poopie" as much as I say it here and not get arrested? I didn't think so. Poopie!

Also, in the real world I am shy. Therefore, conversations about Drew Barrymore's sagging ta-ta's or my gay chihuahua getting his 'nads waxed or my idea for a newspaper called the Rectal Examiner are not everyone's cup of tea. So, you see I have all these things crawling inside me trying to find a way to get out. (or is that just the tapeworm?) Nah, I just gotta vent sometimes and unfortunately I do it here.

Yes, I am a little looney, a little bit creepy, little bit country and a little bit rock and roll, but I assure you I am a normal person. A normal person who wears a plaid feather boa and dances to the Rythm of the night. ("...Dancing till the morning light. Forget about the worries on your mind, you can leave it all behind. Na Na Na Na nananananana..."erm... sorry but El Debarge Rules!)

The reality of it all is, I am a normal dude who, you wouldn't think twice about if you saw me on the street. Well, maybe you'd point and laugh. But only if you're rude.

Oh yeah, and I often wear a tie.

So to answer the question honestly I would have to say... the fluffy ones.

Thank you,

Love,

Undr

PS If you didn't answer this question on Cherishy's blog, then why don't you? It's the law. Love ya, mean it.

Double PS with a side of fat-back: I appreciate you stopping by and saying hello, it makes me feel all warm in my tummy. Or is that the tapeworm? Still love ya, still mean it!

Oh and by the way, I have some tags that I will get to, as soon as I can get myself out of this semi-comatose Nyquil haze. Wouldnt-ya-knowit, I is sicky again. *cough* *cough* That is the last time I make out with chickens. Sheesh! What can I say? They're easy.

Trivia Schmivia!

2006-01-25T18:45:00.000-05:00

Editors note: Sorry for not posting yesterday, as most of you know I was in a coma from non-stop mini-golfing and an extreme hula-hoop competition this past weekend. Please forgive me. And for all of you slacker employees, GET BACK TO WORK! ...umm preeeety pleeeeease. Thanks for stopping by. Now, back to our regularly scheduled informercial...

Dear Undies:

Aaahhh there's going to be a schedule outage!!!!

What am I gonna do? Umm well, before all hell breaks loose, Let me do this. It's something I saw on Anika's Blog O' Delight.

Now, most of you know me from my films and my Playgirl pictorial. You know, the one titled "They Don't Call Him Mini-Me for Nuthin" But do you know the real me? Here are some things you may not know about the wonderful and sometimes demented boy named Undrini. To tell you the troof, even I didn't know this about me. Make sure you memorize this and tattoo on some part of your body. As always, remember, there will be a test!

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Undr!

Undr can last longer without water than a camel can.
Undr is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world!
The risk of being struck by Undr is one occurence every 9,300 years!
It's bad luck to put Undr on a bed!
Undr can only be destroyed by intense heat, and is impermeable even to acid!
Bees visit over three million flowers to make a single kilogram of Undr.
Undr was originally green, and actually contained cocaine.
The canonical hours of the Christian church are matins, lauds, prime, terce, sext, none, Undr and compline!
Undr is the male seed of a flower blossom which has been gathered and treated by bees.
Undr can sleep for three and a half years!

Please feel free to play along. Let me know if you post it on your blog. For every post, I get prize ticket. If I get 2 million tickets, I will be eligible for a weird margarita makin' toaster thingy. Otherwise known as a blender. I want one in a pale seafoam green!

Love,

Undr

PS love ya, mean it!

Tagged again. I am so slow.

2006-01-23T21:16:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

It seems like forever since I wrote you last. Anyways, while I was away I got so tagged by Gunny Gunngirlison and by the good people down at the Procrastination Station. (Which by the way are great blogs; not like this paperweight of a blog.)

Now, because I am so obliging and afraid for my life, I went ahead and done did it. Here it be.

4 jobs you have had:

1. Delta Airlines Customer Service Agent
2. Exotic Dancer for the Blind.
3. Office Manager
4. Bus boy. Sexy bus boy at that.

4 movies you could watch over and over:

1. Sixth Sense
2. Bob the Builder kills Barney.
3. Debbie Does Samoa
4. Ocean's Eleven

4 places you have lived:

1. Bronx NY
2. Orlando, FL
3. Lawrenceville, GA
4. My car, Curb.

4 TV shows you like to watch:

1. Law and Order
2. Law and Order SVU
3. Law and Order Criminal Intent
4. Law and Order Laundromat Divison. ( at the rate their going... it's only a matter of time.)

4 favorite books:

1. Of Mice and Men
2. Native Son
3. 1984
4. Where's Waldo?

4 places you have been on vacation:

1. Vegas
2. Hawaii
3. Paris
4. Cancun

4 websites you visit daily:

1. Msn
2. all my bloggy friends.
3. Fark
4. Yahoo!

4 favorite foods:

1. Pizza
2. Ham and Cheese samiches
3. French Onion Sunchips.
4. Canadian Bacon (A.K.A Ham.)

4 places you would rather be right now:

1. Italy
2. Canada
3. Africa
4. New York

4 Albums You Can't Live Without

1. X&Y- Coldplay
2. Ten- Pearl Jam
3. Blue Album -Weezer
4. Vomit Volume #10 The Nanny's Fran Drescher sings David Hasselhoff's Greatest Hit.

4 Vehicles You've Owned (in chronological order)

1. 1989 Plymouth Sundance (AKA the Bomb) Crappiest Car ever!- It smelled like old yogurt... strawberry-banana.
2. 1991 Chevy Cavalier. Ok, not too shabby. For some strange reason it always smelled like Fish. Weird.
3. 1999 Mitsubishi Eclipse I bought this car for 600 bucks, I drove it for 6 months didn't change the oil and sold it for $1100. I hated this vehicle. It smelled like death.
4. 2002 Toyota Corolla: I liked this guy, until I totaled it. It smelled like new, until it smelled like burning metal and plastic.

4 Bloggers you tag:

1. You
2. You
3. You
4. You

The end

Oh my goodness! I forgot to tell you that my last post was number 200! Yahoo! I've been wearing my tiara and a sash all weekend. Even in the shower!

Anyways, thanks for stopping by and not laughing at my homemade tiara. It's made of aluminum foil, a rusty hanger and metal shavings. You know, for the glitter. The Sash is a dirty piece of rope.

Love,

Undr

PS if you would like to be tagged or by chance your name is "You" then by golly just do it already. I ain't stopping you. Love ya, mean it!

WHWLTW? Ah-Gain!

2006-01-21T00:05:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

Do you smell that? Take a deep breath. No, that is not the smell of impending doom. It's the smell of another WHWLTW. It reeks of knowledge and onions. Now, you may be shocked by this but there are still a few of you out there who have no idea what the heck WHWLTW is. Well, there stinky, it stands for What Have We Learned This Week. It's an ongoing segment and rash treatment, here at the Underachiever's Corner. It's like U.P.S but we don't look good in brown.

Anyways the way it works is; I tell you what I learned and you tell me what you learned.

So, without further adoo-doo, this is what I Learned this week.

I learned...

1. ...A Judge sentenced a man to jail and he is not allowed to watch the Superbowl. All because he ran out on the field during a football Game. It reminds me of the time I ran out in the School Cafeteria where they were having the Championship Chess game. It was so rad!

2. ...That I am part of a secret elite crime team Ask Gunngirl! She recruited me. I get to wear a trench coat with clothes under it for a change.

3. ...Exotic Dancers united to protest a Smoking ban in strip joints. Don't worry it's still ok to use drugs, and perform illegal sex acts. One patron was over heard expressing his discontentment. He said, "Dude the smoke is what covered up the scars and amputated limbs." (Credit At Large Blog)

4. Michael Jackson is applying for a job as a consultant. When the CEO of the Company was asked to comment, he said with a trembling voice "He touched me in my no-no spot" (Credit At-large Blog)

5. ... and Drew Barrymore has been chastised for wearing this outfit to the Golden Globes.

So the girl has two bellybuttons and they are both outies...what of it? I think it's wrong...um...wait...OOOOH! Nevermind.

I thought these were the Golden Globes not the SAG Awards...Hey-oh! pa-dum-bum tsh(rim shot) Get it SAG? SAG!? Oh forget it!

Actually I have always had a crush on Drew, since way back when she was still innocent. Like when she was in E.T. and Posion Ivy. Ah good times. Good times indeed.

Yup, this what I learned this week. How about you? Let me know, if not make it up.

Love,

Undr

PS: Have a good weekend! As always, thanks for stopping by. Love ya, mean it!

Poetry that sucks.

2006-01-20T00:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

Sorry about the longest post ever. Actually, Ramblin' Girl holds the record. It was 4 days long.
2 people died from exposure. (Just Kiddin' Rambilina!)

Anyhow, before your brain gets detached and runs away, I will post something so sucky and crappy that you will be back to your normal happy-go-lucky self. It's a poem I wrote a while back. It was a good idea at the time. But then again most tequila-induced ideas are.

So here is a sucky poem.

When

When you weren't looking
I sketched you with charcoal and chalk
When you weren't looking
I would savor your words as you talked

When you weren't looking
Not a shadow upon you misplaced
When you weren't looking
I memorized every contour on your face

When you weren't looking
I was the dust in your ray of sunshine
When you weren't looking
I died knowing you would never be mine

The end.

Sheesh. Talk about cheese! Ugh!

If you haven't gouged your eyes out with a fork yet, please assist those who have. The exits are to your right. Thank you!

Love,

Undr

PS If you rap it, it sounds a little bit better. Naaaah! Love ya, mean it!

PPS: I Will Not Write Long Posts.

I Will Not Write Long Posts.

I Will Not Write Long Posts(x 100)

I steal stuff. I'm Klepty McKlepto

2006-01-19T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

Thanks for stopping by. My therapist says I'm doing much better now. Especially, since most of the ink blots she shows me, are no longer reminding me of Jared the subway guy. He is soo dreamy.

Anyways, my Therapist, Dr. Shackalacka Puchini suggested I get in touch with myself by writing about, none other, than me. Therefore I stole a Meme from someone who I can't remember for the life of me. Oh yeah, now I do. Her name rhymes with Adjfmcxviwuersdfjs and she likes to breathe. I'm sure you'll figure it out, Sherlock!

So, here is another Meme, that I done stole.

WHAT IS THE MOST PHYSICAL PAIN YOU HAVE EVER BEEN IN?

The time I got my nose hairs caught in a weed wacker. (It was a dare.)

DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE GUM WITH YOU?

Yeah, Hubba Bubba Grape or as I like to call it "Purple"

ARE YOU GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BI?

Depends...When I'm fighting crime, I'm gay. I should have never registered the name "Flamboyant Boy" in the Superhero Database. Sheesh. But, normally I'm straight.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE A GOOD KISSER?

Never had any complaints. You know, from my blow-up dolls.

HOW DOES THE WATER IN YOUR AREA TASTE?

Taste great. It has a natural brown tint, though.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU GOT SICK FROM DRINKING?

Cancun, Mexico. I drank too many Shirley Temples. I had no idea the umbrellas were not edible...ugh!

WHAT IS/WAS YOUR FAVORITE SCHOOL LUNCH?

Dude, I love Sloppy Joes. I have never had them outside of a government funded institution. The prison ones were the best.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST FOOD?

Eggs Benedict, a Grand Marnier Souffle, and a Peach Bellini. Eh who am I kidding? Eggos!

WHAT IS THE OLDEST ITEM IN YOUR HOUSE?

I have one of those old-timey irons and a wrinkled blue ruffled tuxedo.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO DRUNK YOU WET THE BED?

Nope. I have those electro-shock bed sheets. It only takes once. Ouch!

HAVE YOU EVER UNDERGONE SURGERY?

No, but I would like to surgically remove my 7th nipple. It's name is Cheese Nip.

WHEN YOU STUB YOUR TOE OR BUMP YOUR HEAD, WHAT DO YOU USUALLY SAY?

I usually recite the Pledge of Allegiance using tons of cuss words.

DO YOU ENJOY MAKING PEOPLE FEEL STUPID?

Nah, just pain. Intense blinding pain.

WOULD YOU RATHER SKY DIVE OR BUNGEE JUMP?

Neither. I am so afraid of heights.

ARE YOU RACIST?

No way. I hate everybody! Except you, of course.

IF AN ENTIRE STATE IN AMERICA WERE TO VANISH, WHICH DO YOU THINK WOULD NOT LIKELY BE MISSED?

Puerto Rico. It's not a state? Seeeee you ain't missin it, are ya?

HAVE YOU EVER FLUSHED A DECEASED PET DOWN THE TOILET?

A goldfish and a small hamster. I tried Napolean, my Pot belly Pig once but...

WHO ARE BETTER DRIVERS, MEN OR WOMEN?

Women dressed as men dressed as women. huh?

ARE YOU SEXIST?

No. But I do believe women should be in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant. (ha-ha Just kidding. They can wear shoes.*)

DO YOU KNOW YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD?

Yup! Well actually my green card number.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE SAYING "OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD" ORIGINATED?

Yes, it all started with a failed lobotomy...

ERA OYU DYXLESIC?

LLEH ON!

-RIGHT NOW-

LAST KISS:

Lips I drew on the back of my hand for practice.

LAST GOOD CRY:

When I saw Cinderella man.

LAST MOVIE SEEN ON DVD:

umm Cin-duh-rell-ahh maaaan, were you not listening? Sheesh!

LAST CUSS WORD UTTERED:

Mutherfudger!

LAST BEVERAGE DRANK:

Coke or pepsi...same difference.

LAST FOOD CONSUMED:

Homemade burgers. (Actually, it was a peanut butter and Jelly sandwich, but I pretended it was a burger.)

LAST TIME SHOWERED:

I am a bubblebath type of guy.

LAST SHOES WORN:

Buster Browns.

LAST CD PLAYED:

Hot Fuss by the Killers.

LAST ANNOYANCE:

I've been too busy to blogstalk. I.Hate.It!

LAST DISAPPOINTMENT:

Giants got massacred by the Panthers. (Even, if you don't know what I'm talking about, it still sounds cool)

LAST TIME WANTING TO DIE:

I got some lemon juice on a paper cut.

LAST TIME IN LOVE:

Since July 1975

LAST TIME HUGGED:

It wasn't so much a hug, but close to it. You see, I was getting frisked by a policeman named Bubba and...

I LOVE:

You

I HATE:

Me

I FEAR:

A bunch of stuff.

I HOPE:

You know that I appreciate you stopping by and reading this crap. Oh yeah, and for world peace.

I FEEL:

Good ...Nana nana nana na...

I DRIVE:

a silver honda civic

I MISS:

You.

Well that about does it. Are you still here? Oh yeah, the handcuffs... my bad.

Love,

Undr

PS Steal it if you want. Just leave your Driver's License until you return it. Oooooh Nice Picture! love ya, mean it!
*recycled joke for your pleasure.

I am 19 years old and have a Plegmatic temperment. Hack Tooey! Spit!

2006-01-18T07:43:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies :

I would like to apologize for disregarding my blog-stalking duties. As a self-employed Boiled Peanut salesman, an undefeated Thumbwrestling champion, an aspiring cult-leader, and a celebrity toenail clippings collector, I have to say my plate is full. And not just with toenail clippings. Therefore, if I have not answered a tag or your e-mails from your bedroom closet because Freddy Krueger is gonna get you, I apologize. (Don't Fall asleep!)

Anyways, here are some quizzies I stole from some of my loyal and faithful readers. If you like my quizzies, next week I'll show you my testes! (OK old joke sorry. )

I stole this quiz from Gunngirl. For all your Buffy the Vampire Slayer needs, that's Gunngirl!

here are the results of my quiz.

You Are 19 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

I was surprised to see that I was as mature as a 19 year-old. I could've sworn I was a 12. Of course one of the questions wasn't; "Do you still eat paste?"

Does this mean, I can't drink Champale? D'oh!

And here is another one I done stoleded from Shannon. For those nights when you crave salads with bodily secretions... that's Shannon.

She's a funny gal. She and Superspygal are a conglomeration of beauty and funny with a dash of insanity. Which is what we call in these here parts... marriage material. So here are the results of this quiz.

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace.
You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions.
You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected.

It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional.
You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others.
While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well.

At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything.
You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams.
You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.

What Temperment Are You?

From these results I believe I am phlegm-filled boy who sets himself up for abandonment. Again...marriage material!

If you'd like to take this quizzies go for it. If you'd like to give yourself a prostate exam...well, that one is totally up to you. Please send pictures.

Love,

Undr

PS BTW I forgot to thank you for your participation in WHWLTW and The Scary Post. As punishment for forgetting, I am whipping myself with a Kielbasa sausage in a wet sock. Thank... OW!... you... OW!... Love ya, OW! Mean it! OW! NOT THE GROIN... ok maybe a little.

Scary things that are scary

2006-01-17T00:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

Anika, my good friend from the Sunshine state, recently posted about 10 things that scare the bejeezus out of her. Now, this may come as a shock to you, but things scare me too. Oh yeah, I am a poopie-headed scaredy cat. So without permission from Anika(I am such a rebel) I will post things that scare me too. Of course, if Anika finds out she will self-defense me till I'm cross-eyed. (Ha ha the jokes on her I am already cross-eyed.)

So here are some things that scare the tar out of me.

1. Clowns. Except for Ronald McDonald. I can take him. Stupid red-headed bastahd!

2. Burger King. Is it the neverending smile? The penetrating stare? Or the fact that he shows up in your bed unannounced? I don't know, but that guy gives me the willies! *shivers*

3. Roaches. Not your run of the mill roaches,those are usually friendly. I'm talking about those big ones. They're like as big as a dachsund(weiner dog)! Sometimes the buggers fly. Of course since I moved to Georgia, I haven't had encountered them at all. Whew!

3a Wasps. I hate them and their stupid stingyouoverandoveragain-stingers!

3b Bees. Sure they make honey... bigfrickindeal! I hope they all go straight to bee-hell!

4. Heights. I've told you this before. What? You don't remember. See you never listen to me when I'm talking. Hmph!

5. Being brutally murdered with a spoon. Not so much because I'm getting brutally murdered, but the fact that it would take a long time.

Me: Yo! Killer Dude, you done yet?

Killer: Um wait I can almost feel your jugular.

Me: Sheesh. Do you mind if I get a sandwich?

Killer: oooh ok, make mine Pastrami on Rye.

Me: whatever.

6. People with toes that are long and flexible, like fingers. You know those monkey-like people who can pick up stuff and type 3,000 word essays about the effects of the industrial revolution on the crab cake eating armadillos of the Mojave desert, and all of this with their piggies! aaaaah! Make it stop mommy! Make it stop...

7. Dying alone. (When I go, I'm taking you with me...)

8. Standing naked in my high school hallways right as the bell rings. Can you imagine this? All the kids gouging their eyes with their number 2 pencils. Not to mention, the projectile tater-tots! Yeah, this would not be good. Mr. Winky is sensitive to hot fried starchy foods.

9. Peeing in front of people. I don't mind peeing on them but in front of them...no way! Mr. Winky is pee shy!

10. Evil Robots. Like Dick Clark and Rosie from the Jetsons.

11. The dark. Hey, I can sleep with a night light if I want to. Hmph!

12. Not being loved. Don't let my evil tendencies, my heavy artillery, and my collection of rusty knives fool you.

So these are a few things that scare me. What about you? Let me know, if not the Boogey man will come after you! He will. I know him personally. We play Bridge every Thursday.

Love,

Undr

PS This post was brought to you by Anika not the Skywalker. When you need the best self-defense money can buy, Just visit Anika's Blog. While you're at it, please support the Linky-links. They scare me too. Love ya, mean it!

WHWLTW? Friday the 13th edition on Saturday the 14th.

2006-01-14T08:04:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

The week is over and you know what that means. It is time once again for everybody's favorite gastrointestinal disorder of a segment; WHWLTW? If this is your first time here, you may be wondering what in the world is WHWLTW? Well, goofball, I will tell you. WHWLTW stands for What Have We Learned This Week. It is just like the A.C.L.U. Well, not really, I have no idea what that stands for.

Anyways, this is how it works. I tell you what I learned this week and you tell me what you learned. The simplicity is almost insulting.

Let me begin. This Week, I learned...

1. ...that the star of Just Say Joe to Drugs is taking a hiatus. Dagummit Joe, say it ain't so. I think he's doing it so we take pity on him and buy the 25,000 Girl Mountie's Cookies he bought in a drug-induced frenzy. For those of you who don't know, Girl Mountie's are Canada's Girl Scouts. Besides, who likes Moose Testicle flavored cookies anyways? You know I do! Give me 17 boxes!

We'll miss ya Joey Leslie Everson!

2. ...that Angelina Jolie is pregnant. On behalf of the Underachiever's Corner Fertility Clinic Bar and Grill, I would like to congratulate Brad and Angelina. However, my sources say that Angelina was overheard referring to her adopted foreign children as "The Help". That can't be a good thing.

3. ... that Deli Workers can be creepy. Just ask Shannon. Gives a new meaning to the phrase "Hide the Salami" Funny and disturbing all at the same time. That's why I like it... a lot!

4. ...This woman went on 150 dates. Some of which included a homeless man, several non-English speakers, 10 taxi drivers, two lesbians and a mime. Which is funny, because I've went to a Bar Mitzvah with a homeless man, several non-English speaker, 10 taxi driver, two lesbians and a mime. Mimey was my favorite. After the lesbians, of course.

On a sad note, the only person she said "no" to was me. I repeatedly asked her the same question; "Is it the lip fungus? It has to be the lip fungus."

5. ...Eminem and his ex wife are getting re-married. Dude, you killed her like 700 times in your songs. Sheesh.

and that is what I learned this week. Howsaboutyou? Let me know if not make it up.

Love,

Undr

PS Have a great weekend. And remember kids, never, never talk to strangers. Unless they offer you candy. Love ya, mean it!

PPS: This post is brought to you by the Linky Links! Please stop by and tell them I sent you. If you do that you will get a box of Moose Testicle-flavored cookies. mmm mmm good!

Why the heck do you blog?

2006-01-12T22:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

The other day my friend Cherishy blogged about blogging. In that particular post she asked her audience of 15 million readers, "why do you blog?" At first, I looked around and said in a
Deniro-ish fashion; "You tawkin' to me?" No one answered. Which was surprising because I was in the public library.

Anyways, I decided to write about why I blog.

Let's have a looksee:

It all started on July 12th 1975. It was a cold winter's day. I reeked of baby juices and other oozy gooky icky stuff. Yes! Finally, after 29 days of labor, Undr was born. At first the doctors had to convince my mom not to throw me away and keep the placenta. (Till this day my mom says to me; "Why can't you be more like your big brother Placenty" That always stings a little bit.)

Fortunately, they drugged her and before she knew it, I was 12 years old.

Okay, maybe that is too far back.

Nah!

Where was I? Oh yes! I was 12 and at this point I had had my fill of army men stuck inside my nostrils and so I decided that it was time I made my mark on this world. I wanted to be somebody. Not just anybody but a somebody, like Yahoo Serious.

That is when I decided to start blogging. Of course, the internet had just been invented by Al Gore, so most of my original blogging was done on semi-used napkins from nice family restaurants like the "Dollhouse Gentleman's Club" , "The Shake and Grab Gentleman's club" and TGI Fridays.

Unfortunately, most of these posts are no longer legible, since I used them to clean up after eating Barbecue Spare Ribs. MMMMMM!

Then, the internet was invented in 2005 and I found a site called "BlackMenReallyHave..." um wait not that one... I meant to say Blogger. In Feb 2005 right smack in the middle of Summer I began blogging.

Anyways, the question is, why for you blog? Well, nosey, the truth is I started blogging because of an article I read in Time Magazine. Reading this article about the made me want to make an impact on this world with a thought provoking, sociopolitical, Barbecue Pop Tart recipe sharing blog. But seeing that I ain't so smart, I started writing stupid things. Stupid stuff like the crap you are currently reading. (Sorry, those 10 minutes are lost and you will never regain them. Never!)

Truthfully though, I feel that blogging is a type of therapy for me. It helps me keep my life in perspective and to make sure I don't start fires again.

The added bonus to blogging is that I have met some of the most beautiful people in the world who currently aren't porn stars. Which is pretty darn spiffy, if you ask me.

As always, Thank you for reading this steaming pile of Grade-A poop!

Love,

Undr

PS: If you haven't done so, please tell me why in the fool you blog and make sure you give credit to the one and only Cherishina! Love ya, mean it!

PPS ...or you can just stop by and say "Hello". Come on! You know you want to.

Weird things about lil ole me.

2006-01-11T20:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

Grody jo-dee aka Sweet Mama Jama, tagged my sweet hiney. Actually, it went down like this: She drop-kicked me and put me in a head lock while her children went through my pockets. They were disapointed to find a stick of gum from 1984 and a linty raisin.

Anyways, she wanted me to tell you some weird things about me. Yeah, I know. I ain't weeerd!

Here it goes:

1. I love to make up stupid parodies of top 40 songs. Usually involving bodily functions.

For example: Kelly Clarkson's "Because of you" is transformed into a beautiful song about poo. Here are some of the lyrics:

"Because of Poo, I never stray to far from the sidewalk. Because of Poo, I learn to poop on the safe side so I don't get squirts."

(I never said they were Grammy winning. Sorry)

2. I am totally the reigning Car-Dancing Champion of the United States. I can jam like the best of them, but only when I'm driving. Anika(aka Ani Banani) is currently the Car-Dancing Champion of Canada. I can't wait till we do the International Car-Dancing Dance-a-thon in Samoa. It's going to be great.

3. I hate Brazil Nuts with a bloody passion. Damn portuguese speaking nut. Which, by the way, isn't really a nut in the first place. You are nothing but a nut impostor. Darn you to heck you evil nut from the bowels of hell! I hate you! Why can't you be more like the Cashew. Now, that is a nice God-fearing nut if I ever saw one. I shun you, Brazil nut! I.Shun.You!!

4. I can't tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi. Heck, even the generic crap taste the same to me. (I can just imagine the hate mail I'll get for this one.)

5. I love Rachel Ray. Everytime, I'm allowed to watch the show, you know when I'm not on time-out, I say "I love you" to the tv screen at 2 minute intervals each. I love you Rachel Ray! She is cooking for ME. I just know it. *twitching* *drooling*

Oh yeah, I am a wacko. If you'd like to know more of my weird habits, just read this blog.

Love,

Undr

PS thanks for talking to me. It sure beats the voices in my head. They are so rude. Love ya, mean it!

PPS Shannon and Superspygal there is no need to fight. There is enough of me to go around. Or maybe even Chauncey my janitor. He is Half Ucranian!

He-Man...By the power of Brokeback Mountain!

2006-01-10T04:30:00.000-05:00

editors note: My New York Giants got creamed! However, I was happy to see the Steelers won. Anyways, I hope everyone's weekend was great. Thank you for helping me out with WHWLTW? Dewey gets extra credit this week for doing WHWLTW at her blog. 75 points for Deweylicious! Eh what the heck we'll make it a hundred!

ok now let's get wacky!

Dear Undies:

I received thousands of emails, hundreds of letter bombs and 375 Post-It-Notes, because I wrote last week that He-Man is gay. Now, I know this is a touchy subject. Possibly even a gropey one. The point is, some of you don’t like the idea that He-Man is gay. I figure it’s because you always wanted, deep in your heart, for She-Ra and He-Man to get married. Sort of like you wanted Donnie and Marie Osmond to get it on. But let me tell you, it just ain't gonna happen. Maybe Donnie and Marie,*crosses finger*. Besides, She-Ra is happy coaching a girl’s softball team, aptly named the Westchester Wenches, with her “friends” Xena Warrior Princess and Chastity “Butchy” Bono. But I digress.

He-Man himself wasn’t too thrilled with me “outing” him. That is why he came to my house on Sunday right after his church of Scientology meeting. Needless to say He was pretty upset.

It’s a good thing I always have a court reporter on staff to record my conversations.

Here is a transcript of my Meeting with He-Man.

Undr: Hey, He-Man. Nice Metal Chest Plate. Are those short-shorts wooly mammoth or sabre-tooth tiger?

He-Man: I am going to KILL you.

Undr: Ha-ha but you’re in Action Figure form. What are you like 9 inches tall?

This is the part when He-Man proceeds to smack me upside the head with the court reporter (97 year-old Marjorie) and her mini-typewriter. I was amazed at the strength he had. Not to mention his Kung-Fu grip.

After I regained consciousness, He made his famous He-Man-garitas and Chicken Frittatas and we chatted up a storm. Apparently, he and Skeletor were an item once. They purchased a small Castle named Gray Skull. They had dreams of making it a quaint Bed and Breakfast. However, their dreams began to crumble when Skeletor became so distant and grumpy. Then he gave the “I need some space and by the way I never liked your wooly daisy dukes and your stupid haircut” speech.

As He-Man is telling me this, we were both crying and knee deep in a vat of cookie dough flavored cookie dough watching the Lifetime Network’s 2 days of Estrogen-laden Movies Movie Marathon. (The best movie was the one where the husband was all bad and stuff. Yeah I know, that narrows it down...)

So, there you have it. The real reason Skeletor and He-Man are mortal enemies. It’s simply a lover’s quarrel. You add a dispute over a house,which Skeletor didn’t give one red cent for, and a guy named Beastman and you know there’s gonna be some drama for your Mama, maybe even for your Papa, your Opa and Your Oma.

Umm I also have my doubts about Ram-man.

Yeah, his name gives him away.

Love,

Undr

PS: Here is a picture of NO-l's favorite Master's of the Universe Character: Orko. (Also, gay.)

Love ya, mean it!

PPS: If you'd like to take a trip down Grayskull lane this is a cool site.

PPPS: Umm yeah, I started writing this at 4am on a Pixie sticks high. sorry. Still love ya, still mean it!

WHWLTW 2006

2006-01-07T00:50:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies,

I hope everyone is doing ok. This is the first WHWLTW of the 2006 season and let me just say I am as happy as a wildebeast on crack.

Some of the new readers are probably asking themselves; What in the Hello Kitty is WHWLTW? Some of the veteran readers might be asking, why am I still reading this crap? And some of the other folks are asking themselves why do my fingers smell icky afterI scratch my armpits?

Well, to answer the first question, WHWLTW is a segment we cherish here at the Underachiever's Corner Laser Hair Removal Center and Grill. It stands for What Have We Learned This Week. Contrary to popular belief, a virginal sacrifice is not required. We accept the occasional skank too. We are totally into Equal Opportunity Human Sacrifices.

Anyways, you also may be wondering how this works. The equation is as follows:

I tell you what I learned and you tell me what you learned. Simple, yet so complex.

So, here is what I learned this week:

1. Spygal is looking to change careers. Apparently, her gig as a gangsta rapper didn't pan out. I told her not to rap Neil Diamond songs. "Sweet Caroline, Yo, Yo, Yo! Where my money Ho?"

umm I'll be in my room if you need me. I am so grounded.

2. Apparently, I snore. Brownie, my gay chihuahua, whose rap name is B-Giddy, made me aware of this. He woke me up in the middle of the night and told me in a high pitched nasal voice and a lisp; "Thtop Thnoring Thtupid!" My first thought was, I will never eat a Fruit Loop found under the cushion of a previously owned couch. Secondly, I figure I should do something about the snoring. I bought those Breathe Right Strips. Which I thought you ate like chewing gum. Who knew? After reading the directions I wore the strip on my nose and prayed that I would never be seen wearing this thing. However, I think they actually work because Brownie hasn't said anything since. Except, "Oooh Girl, you so funnay!"

3. Jamaica is the New Murder Capitol of the World. Wow, what does Flint, Michigan have going for them now?

4. There is going to be a He-Man movie. For those of you who don't know He-Man, he is the one the first ambiguously gay superheroes. By the Power of Gayskull!

5. And lastly I learned that the movie Brokeback Mountain is not the Western I was hoping for.

Well, kids, these are a few of the lessons learned this past week. What did you learn? Let me know, if not make it up.

Love,

Undr

PS Thanks for your comments, compliments and creepy messages. Have a great weekend. Love ya, mean it!

PPS: Go New York Giants!

Inside the actor's Studio

2006-01-06T01:04:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

Here is an excerpt of my interview on "Inside the Actor's Studio with James Lipton" For those of you who have never seen this show(99% of the Population) This is an interview show with famous Celebrities. I was surprised when I was invited. Seeing as the only movies I've starred in were the Made-For-Television-After School-Specials, "Don't Sniff the Wite-Out" , the controversial sequel: "I Done Told You Not To Sniff the Wite-out, Daggumitt!" and who can forget, "The Epilady is not a toy"

Nonetheless, I was honored to be invited. Apparently, Pauly Shore, Pee-wee Herman and Lambchop the Handpuppet canceled due to either their lack of talent or their lack of hand-up-their butt. You can understand why I was the obvious choice. If you do, let me know.

Allow me to let you read a snippet of the inteview.

James Lipton: Welcome, Undr, to Inside the Actor's Studio.

Undr: Thanks Jim.

James Lipton: Umm dude, it's James. Or Mr. Lipton.

Undr: Whatever.

James Lipton: We are happy to have such a renowed Made-For-Television Movie-After-School-Special-Stand-in Actor.

Undr: It is an honor to be here. May I touch your Chuck Norris-like Beard?

James Lipton: Umm ...no.

Undr: Come on! Just a little tug.

James Lipton: Oh alright! I can't say no to you.

Undr: Saaaaaweeeeeet!

James Lipton: OW!

Undr: Sorry. I just love your beard. You may want to get some gauze.

James Lipton: I'll be fine. You know, I give my beard luster by grooming it with a spork.

Undr: Oh, what a coincidence! That's how I groom my back hair.

(Awkward silence.)

James Lipton: Aaaanyways, tell me about your new Movie: "Please Don't Touch My Christian Parts!"

Undr: It is a ten second mini-made-for-tv-movie about a Dog, played by me, who doesn't want to be neutered. It's a very heart-warming film.

James Lipton: That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard. But it does sound better than Glitter.

Undr: You know, James, I was told by Mr. Spielberg that I was a natural. He said I was born to play this role.

James Lipton: Wow! You spoke to Steven Spielberg?

Undr: No, not Steven Spielberg. Ira Spielberg. He is my Agent and Dry Cleaner.

James Lipton: Ok, this interview is going to hell in a handbasket, so I will wrap this up and make room for the Queer Eye Guys. As you know, I ask the real Actors 10 questions while I pretend I make out with them in my head. I figure, I should do the same to you without the daydream, of course.

so, Undr, here are my 10 stupid questions.

JL: 01 What is your favourite word?

U: Kumquat. It sounds soooo duuurty!

JL: 02 What is your least favourite word?

U: Engorged. Ick!

JL: 03 What turns you on?

U: Laughter.

JL: 04 What turns you off?

U: Selfishness. (Is that even a word?)

JL: 05 What sound do you love?

U: Laughter

JL: 06 What sound do you hate?

U: Fingernails against a chalkboard. Oh yeah and the The Nanny's Fran Drescher.

JL: 07 What is your favourite curse word?

U: Son-of-a-motherless-goat and Booger-eating-poopie-stinky-head.

JL: 08 what profession other than yours would you like to attempt?

U: Musician. I would play a mean Oboe!

JL: 09 What profession would you not like to participate in?

U: Port-a-Potty-Sniffer.

JL: 10 If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say to you when you arrive at the pearly gates?

U: "Wow, You look much thinner up close. Just kidding. Right this way lard-ass."

Undr: Thanks James..... uh James? Oh no the Queer Eye guys are here. Help! They're making me wear a rainbow chiffon scarf with a matching fez!

Hmm. It doesn't look half-bad, come to think of it.

Thanks for reading my interview. If you'd like a full transcript, please write me and send an envelope with $100 in untraceable nickels. Thanks.

Love,

Undr

PS Take this test and see which celebrity's personality profile fits you best. I was Antonio Banderas. Which is quite the coincidence, since I have been told I look like his elbow. Love ya, mean it!

PPS: Or just answer the 10 questions. Either way let me know.

PPPPS: By the way, I know there's something very wrong with me. I ain't right!

songs in my head

2006-01-05T07:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

First off, let me start by saying, thanks for visiting and reading this crap. I have a been doing a P&G lately. You know, "Post and Go." I've been very busy at the boiled peanut stand this week. We are currently try to merge with a Roasted Pecans stand. So please forgive my lack of blogstalking and regular stalking for that matter. So please let me soothe you with the musical stylings of Neil Diamond. erm... what, Who wrote that? Here is a song in my widdle head.

Now, this is a song that I love. And by love, I mean that I would totally try to get to second base with it, at least.

Stereophonics

Dakota Lyrics

Thinking about thinking of you
Summertime think it was June
Yeah think it was June
Laying back, head on the grass
Children grown having some laughs
Yeah having some laughs.

You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one
You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

Drinking back, drinking for two
Drinking with you
And drinking was new
Sleeping in the back of my car
We never went far
Needed to go far

You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one
You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

I don’t know where we are going now
I don’t know where we are going now

Wake up cold coffee and juice
Remembering you
What happened to you?
I wonder if we’ll meet again
Talk about us instead
Talk about why did it end

You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one
You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

I don’t know where we are going now
I don’t know where we are going now

So take a look at me now

Love,

Undr

ps Sweet Caroliiiine! Love ya, mean it!

I am eeeeeeevil! Well, barely.

2006-01-04T08:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies,

I hope everyone is ok. I figure you still have alcohol seeping from your pores, so I will keep this sort and sweet. Let's start by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, the Gettysburg Address and sing Inagaddavita(the extended remix) by Iron Butterfly in Hebrew. Anyways, let me just say, that I appreciate your comments and welcome all the new readers. Like Tina. Sorry Tini, you are hooked to the hallucinogenic drug they call Undr. Side effects include but are not limited to; blurred visions, itchy scalp, burning sensation in your eyelids and a consistent desire to add lyrics to "Dueling Banjos" and singing it with all your heart. Unfortunately, Cherish, this means you have to work a little bit more. Surry!

Ok, now that that's over, here is a quizzie. I am so evil,well not really. I am the underachiever, remember?

How evil are you?

Love,

Undr(twisted)

PS Please feel free to take this quiz and find out what I may already know about you. Love ya, mean it!

In '06 I will try something new. How'sabout a Meme?

2006-01-03T00:34:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

Well, another year is upon us and I decided to turn over a new leaf. (mmm turnovers are good. Aren't they?) Therefore this year, I will shamelessly do a meme. Oh yeah, I know I did them last year, but this year, I'm doing them shamelessly. So here is the first meme of the 06 season. Maybe you would like to do it to? (hehe I said "do it")

Undr's 06 meme of the year 2006:

1.Who was the first person u talked to in 06?
My Parole Officer

2. The first person you hugged?
Chimichanga Washington. She is 700lbs of love... and doughnuts.

3. The first person you called?
Mommy!

4. The first person you texted?
I don't text.

5. The first drink you drank?
Champale

6. The first person that called you?
Sister.

7. The first person that texted you?
Nobody.

8. Have you talked to all of your bloggy buddies yet?
No, I am quilting a "I heart you" blanket from the fur of 23,000 imported New York City Rats.

9. Has any of your bloggy buddies talked to you?
Yes. Especially the ones that don't want the "I Heart You" blanket.

10. Who was the 1st person to hang up on you?
Mommy. But she didn't mean it. When she say's "I hate you Undr" she really means she loves me. I hope!

11. What was the first thing you watched on tv?
A very interesting informercial about a painless hair removal system. It was called the "Rip and Scar Hair Removal System". Also used to remove rust and barnacles from Cargo Ships. All for 25 installments of $29.99. So you know I got two!

12. Who was the first person you thought of?
You.

13. What was the first thing you ate?
Pigs in a blanket. (AKA: peepee looking thingys)

14. What were you wearing at midnight?
Sweater and Jeans.

15. Who was the first person you kissed?
Janitor Phil. I should have never closed my eyes.

There you have it.

Love,

Undr

PS You know if you care to do this, you may. Just remember to leave the toilet seat up. Love ya, mean it!

Double PS with Champagne: Thanks for your particpation in WHWLTY? You guys are da' bombdiggity!

WHWLTY?

2005-12-31T08:24:00.000-05:00

Editors notes: Before I start this thang, I'd like to profusely apologize for not mentioning Ben O.'s job. Ben O. will be in charge of the tofu hot-dog cart outside the Underachiever's Corner Building. (A.K.A. Rundown Rat-infested Shack) Other Responsibilities include Vice President In Charge of Skiing. Manager of the Microwave with the broken door. (He get's to wear a lead suit. No fair!) And of course, he will continue his Feedback Friday/Saturday/Whatever day he damn well pleases. Which is now owned by Undr Corp.

Again, Benny-Ben, my apologies. Now give me two Tofu Hot Dogs and a Wheat Germ Soda! Pronto! Read this guy's blog. He is funny! That's a order!

Now back to my regularly scheduled garbage:

Dear Undies,

2005 is in the crapper. However, we must learn from our past, so we can pretty much screw up the future. So what does this have to do with the price of crack in Chinatown? You got me. Anyways, this week we will do What Have We Learned This Year? It's just like QVC but we don't have the Tae-bo on Ice DVD.

So how, praytell, does this contraption work? Well, I'm glad you asked you curious little monkey. I tell you what I learned this year and you tell me what you learned. Are we on the same page? Good! Gold Star, for you!

Here is what I learned this year.

1. Men Suck. Duh!

2. Wearing Sandals and Socks is a cardinal sin! Punished by years of torment in the white-hot bowels of hell or in Hoboken NJ. Same diff'!

3. Dancing in a Wal-mart Dressing room is wrong

4 Pearls before swine is one of my favoritest comics of all time.

5. That Hurricanes suck construction worker butt!

6. There was no severed finger in that Wendy's Chili although it interestingly still tastes like it.

7. War, huh! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!

8. Dewey is going to Egypt next year. I am so happy. Now, I know what you're thinking. Don't worry, I already told her that it's mandatory to "Walk Like an Egypt-i-an" everywhere she goes. Bangles rule! What are they, like 90?

9. No matter how many letters I write to the CEO, Home Depot will never have lingerie department, ever. Oh you laugh now, but just you wait and see whose laughing when I introduce my new inventions next year. It's the Garter Tool Belt and the Measuring Tape WonderBra with matching Bungee Cord Thong.

10. That Adriana Lima is like the girl next door. If the girl next door was a hot Victoria's Secret Brazilian Supermodel who could probably cure disease with her beautiful eyes. ( By the way, Leesa , when Adriana Lima is not working as a supermodel for Vicky's Secrets she is a goat herder's assistant. You know, to make ends meet.)

11. Coldplay is an awesome band.

12. I hate end of the year lists.

13. These are my top songs of the Year 05:

1. Fix You -Coldplay.

2. Sometimes you can't make it on your own- U2

3. Mr. Brightside-The Killers(Hot Fuss is a great CD!)

4. Somewhere only we know-Keane

5. We belong Together-Mariah Carey. (Sorry)

6. Feel good inc. -Gorrillaz

7. All these things I have done- The Killers (I got soul but I'm not a soldier!)

8. Run -SnowPatrol

9. You and Me - Lifehouse. (yeah I retired it, but after hearing 2.7 billion times it sorta grows on you)

10. Best of you -Foo Fighters

11. Wake Me Up When September Ends-Green Day

12. Photographs- Nickelback

13. Anything Kelly Clarkson (dammit! I hate to admit this. Estrogen levels...too high! Danger Danger!)

14. Gold digger -Kanye West.

15. Dakota-Stereophonics (I.Love.This.Song!)

16. Glósóli -Sigur Ros. (Both Haunting and beautiful.)

17. Brighter than sunshine-Aqualung

18. Collide -Howie Day

19. Let me go -3 Doors Down

20. Landed-Ben Folds

21. Doesn't remind me-Audioslave

22. Sitting Waiting Wishing-Jack Johnson

I'm sure there's more but I can't remember.

aaand... 14 . I love my Undies. (My readers not my undergarments. Although, they are kinda cute.)

Well, my friends, these are a few of the lessons I learned this year. Did you learn anything this year? Let me know, if not make it up!

Love,

Undr

PS I really want to appreciate you stopping by and reading this so-called blog. Don't forget to check out the linky-links, those folks are really talented. Love ya, mean it!

PPS By the way, my beloved dog brownie, asked to go out, for potty purposes, and I saw 12 deer frolicking around my backyard. They didn't seemed alarmed at all by my presence. I just stood there in awe. It's times like these when you can really appreciate life and all that it has to offer. Of course, that's until I grabbed my shotgun...

Just kidding! Have a good weekend! See ya in '06!

More stuff you may or may not want to know about Undrini-poopie-head.

2005-12-30T01:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

I feel that in 2005 I didn't fill out enough of these here surveys or meme's, if you will. I tell you what though, these things are as addicting as chocolate covered meth. Mmmmmm!

I reckon I done stolded this from someone. Since she is on High-A-Tuss I won't say her name. But it does rhyme with xzmcaoiermaxzeaqs, just in case you're wondering.

Anyways, for your nauseating pleasure, I give you this crap:

Questions answered by Undr, Undr, Undr...(echo)

1.) When showering, do you start the water and then get in or start water while your in?

Start the water, do a little naked dance and then get in.

2.) Do you read the labels on your shampoo bottle?

No, I always get soap in my eyes. Johnson and Johnson "No Tears" my foot!

3.) Do you moan in the shower like the people on the herbal essences commercial?

Why? Did you hear me? It's more like post modern yodeling.

4.) Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex?

Yes, until the cops came. Boy, was my face red. Or was that my butt?

5.) Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower?

Never!

6.) Have you ever dropped your soap on your foot?

Oh yeah, it hurts like a mother!

7.) How old do you look?

Like a 30 year old teenager.

8.) How old do you act?

Like a 80 year-old bag lady who has conversations with Stalin and Mr. Rogers. Who, by the way, currently reside in Hell.

9.) Do you sing in the shower?

Yes, singing's easy. Now, Tap dancing in the shower, that's tricky!

10.) Have you recently become a member of anything?

A Tupperware cult.

11.) What are your plans for the weekend?

To make sure it doesn't suck.

12.) Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed?

Closed. The hookers are pretty ugly sometimes.

13) What's your biggest turn-on?

A woman that has a sexy voice. Just like James Earl Jones. *shudder*

14.) Does anything on your body itch right now?

Now that you mention it, my whole body itches....ick! Get 'em off me!

15a.) Who's the sexiest famous woman alive?

Adriana Lima!

*drool* I love her for her mind.

15b.) Who's the sexiest famous MAN alive?

According to People Magazine, it's Matthew McConahgay.

16) Who do you like right now?

She lives in Zimbabwe, you don't know her.

17) Does every family have a crazy uncle or is it just mine?

Yup, crazy runs in my family. Glad I'm the normal one.

18). Have you ever smuggled something into America?

Yes, a fruit and a Canadian, who was kinda fruity.

19). Do you think everything happens for a reason?

Yes.

20). Do you live in a state with a good sports team?

Yes, The Inbred County Cornholers Chess Team!

21). Have you ever finished off the popcorn and eaten the junk from the bottom of the bag?

No.

22). Have you ever had sex in a tent?

No. Never been in a tent.

23). What about at the beach?

Yes. (Note to self: Lotions and sand do not mix. Talk about ceeeement!)

24). Have you ever dated a Goth?

No. Just Sloth from the Goonies.

He has soft hands. Hey you guuuuuys!

25.) Would you kiss the person who posted this?

Yup.

26.) Can you fix your own car?

No, but I can fix a mean margarita.

27.) Should guys wear pink?

Nah, probably just seafoam green.

well that'z about it. Consider this the last one before '06. Have a good rest of the year.

Love,

Undr

PS Stay tuned for WHWLTY? Love ya, mean it!

Double PS with ranch dressing: Thanks, again, for reading this crapola. You sure know how to make a boy smile.

New Hires and a Tag. Oh yeah, I'm a multi-tasking machine!

2005-12-29T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies,

I hope all is well in your neighborhood. Please remember to feed the bums. My Boxing day wasn't so great. I got knocked out in the first round. Darn that Hobo! She was stronger than she let on.

Umm ok here are some New Hires, not mentioned in the "You're Hired" Post:

grody jo-dee will be the Resident Stylist. Don't Worry about the kids. This organization has an excellent daycare facility. They will be making 300 trinkets an hour with their small nimble hands. No, it is not a sweatshop. It's a Day.Care.Facility!

Shari will be the Underachiever's Corner Supervisor of Sitting and Looking Pretty Affairs.

Jen-nae and Missuzj will be the Education Czars. Cuz I neet to lurn.

Lizzie will be in charge of Squirrel Removal. If she does a good job she will be promoted to Raccoon Eliminator. Damn there little human hands!

No-L will be the Presidential Candidate I will be endorsing in 2008. But in the mean time she could be the Official Museum Curator of the New York Yankees Exhibit down in the Main Lobby.

By the way, SuperSpyGirl and Shannonica, don't worry, I'm not cruel. The spandex and vinyl suits will be totally breathable. It will have a lot of strategically placed air-holes! (I smell a lawsuit. Eeeek!)

Also, it has been brung to my attention that my Vice President Lepre-genghis-khan, Gareth, is planning a violent coup d'etat. Apparently, he hasn't met my BodyGuard Dewey. Whose motto is: "I will break you, maul you, kill you, revive you and then kill you again". Not to mention Terri "I gotta Gun and I ain't afraid to put a cap in your leprechaunish hiney" Terriola and Anika An-ninja who will throw sequins in your eyes and self-defense you to your purple.

Therefore, To my loyal employees; don't worry! I have been collecting dirt on Gareth for years just in case. Thus, if he plans anything funny I will post some compromising pictures of him on this blog. Don't get me wrong, I really don't want to do him like that. But if he wants to play rough, it's ON!

And to show you, that I'm not playing around, the pictures involve Gareth, a drunken gnome, whips, whip cream and a donkey. So Gareth be nice or you're going down. As far as anyone who was planning to join his revolution: I am WATCHING you.

Ahem I apologize...

Now unto more entertaining stuff...

...I was just minding my own business and WHAM! Gunngirl tagged my lily-white behind. So here are the answers to my tag.

Name: Undr A. Chiever Jr. III

Childhood ambition: To be a writer and a Solid Gold Dancer! Soul-Train Dancer wouldve been just as good too.

Fondest childhood memory: Eating cereal in front of the TV on Saturday Mornings with my sister. Also, Falling in love in the first grade to that cute little blonde number. She was foine!

Last thing I bought was: meat from the back of a truck. Wow, that is where I got my speakers too. Talk about conveeenience!

Favorite movie(s): Indiana Jones trilogy, Star Wars, Sabrina, King Kong, Hitch, Spiderman 1 and 2, Bob the Builder 2 The Revenge. "This time the Teletubbies will Pay!"

I wanna be reincarnated into this animal: a single-cell amoeba. They're asexual. Maybe then I'll get some. Oh whoamIkidding. I wouldn't give me some either!

My best Christmas present was: a G.I. Bob. yeah, I got a generic G.I. Joe. Actually, When I was little I got the first Nintendo game system. That was pretty rad!

All I want for Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa or Secretary's Day is: Happiness for all my friends... oooh oooh and a loofah. I love me a sandpaperish loofah!

My headstone will read: Here lies Undr. All in all, I wish this was you. Love ya mean it!

Well, here goes. Now who should I tag? Hmm. You're all tagged. Booyah! I did a massive tag! In your face!

love,

undr

PS Do this or not. Love ya, mean it! Thanks Gunnicula!

PPS Man-Skirts for everyone!

You're hired! Now, slooowly put the gun down...

2005-12-27T22:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies,

Last week I interviewed thousands of applicants(7) who wanted to work at the Greatest Place on Earth. Unfortunately, they mistakenly sent their applications to me instead of Stumpy's Horse Manure Facility. Nevertheless, I interviewed some eager applicants who wanted to work here at the Underachiever's Corner and Sweatshop. Our Motto is: "The Sweatshop of hardwork, low wages, extremely long hours and love." Sorta like a Kathy Lee Gifford sweatshop sans the beatings.

Anyways, here are the new employees of the Underachiever's Corner:

1 Cherish. She will be in charge of my Fan Club. She stated; "I am a huge fan of Undr's Corner" and she will prance around in a nursedominatrixmaid ensemble. Which always reminds me of home.

you're Hired!

2 Terri will, of course, be in charge of Security. Now, most people love me but there are a few wackos that might try to egg the two story Colonial style pampers Cardboard Box where I currently reside with a smelly guy named Pewter.

Terri stated; "I can shoot straighter than the egg-hurlers". I feel so protected. And please don't think the Catwoman outfit had anything to do with my decision.

You're Hired!

3 beadinggalinMS. Linda will be in charge of The Culinary Department here at da' Corner. She makes the best Ham and Cheese Surprise. On her spare time she will be making a 4 story wall of beads as a tribute to me. I am so not worthy. Ok maybe a little.

You're Hired!

4 Gareth Will be the Vice President in charge of leprechaun issues. As a matter of fact, I had to hire Gar-man because of Affirmative Action. I need at least 1% of all employees to be leprechauns. The way I see it, I'm fine, as long as I don't have to be alone with him in the company elevator. AAAAWKARD!

You're Hired!

5 notjoecheese will be re-hired. Due to his unwavering devotion,whiney crying and blackmail. He will be my Foreign Affairs Advisor. Notjoe knows 127 Languages including but not limited to Jive, Pig Latin and Swahilijiveturkey, which is Jive in Swahili. Of course, he will also act as a mediator between me and Chuck Norris. Praise be Chuck!

You're Re-Hired!

6 SuperSpyGal Is in charge of the Vinyl and Spandex Division here at the Corner. Um, no we don't make this stuff. She just wears it. It's purely for experimental purposes. So, don't call the lawyers!
You're Hired!

7 Anika.
She will be head of the Secret Service. She has shown her uncanny detective skills and her love of outfits covered in sequins. Thus, she will be like a ninja. A cute sequins wearing ninja! Besides, she will show her undying devotion to me for chocolate, so how can I lose?

*Beep* *Beep* *Beep* ...hmm those must be the Hershey's, Godiva and Ghirardelli trucks backing in right about now.

You're hired!

Now here are some new employees who didn't submit an application but are so hired.

Dewey: Will be my financial consultant and trained beater-upper. If anyone messes with me, Dewey will take them out back and beat the tar out of them.

Ramblin Girl: Chief legal counsel. She would help me avoid the lawsuits due to Dewey's bloodlust!

Shipkicker: Official News Correspondent. She will travel abroad and make fun of people and their accents. She will work directly with NotJoe.

Glitterglamgirl: She is in charge of my wardrobe. I wish I didn't have to wear Stirrup pants, penny loafers and an oversize shirt all the stinkin time, though! You rock!

Shannon will be SuperSpyGirl's Assistant/Drinking buddy.

Gunngirl will be my head technical writer. She will write funny captions under my many doodles.

j2 Will be my official Artist. I will have nude self portraits all over the facility. You know, to encourage the troops.

HDDiva will be my official chef. Making sure that Linda isn't poisoning my ham and cheese surprise. She gets to wear a funny chef's hat and a "Kiss the Cook" apron.

Ashleypoo is the official Sommelier. Which is better than the title I was going to use: Wine Wench.

Sadie and Tanya Kristine will be the Poopie Brigade. Don't make a stink about it!(ha ha I made a funny) Their job is to randomly say the word "Poop" or "Poopie" throughout the day just to make me smile.

Stellastoria will be the Official Gay Chihuahua Chaperone. She has a gay chihuahua too! They're finally coming out.

Edit 12/28/05
grody jo-dee said...
baby evan and i will be the resident stylists. as long as you don't smell like spit-up or poo, you pass. also applying will be georgia, the resident 3-yr-old star wars expert.

Your're hired

and to all my friends, you're hired too!

love,

undr

PS Remember, with a little shameless flirting and/or death threats, you too can be a member of the Underachiever's Corner. Let me know if you want a particular job. If not, go ahead a be a bum, see if I care. Just kidding! Love ya, mean it you bum!

Double PS with a side of toast: Thanks for participating in WHWLTW? Have a good day! Umm where are my presents?

WHWLTW? Holiday edition.

2005-12-24T08:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

What in Tarnation? Is it time for another WHWLTW? Yup! Time flies when you're up poopie creek with no paddle. For those of you who don't know what WHWLTW? is or you have the attention span of a gnat, it stands for What Have We Learned This Week?

How does it work? Well, gnat person, it's quite simple. I tell you what I learned and if you are so kind, you tell me what you learned this past week.

This is the piece of knowledge lodge in my medulla oblongata:

1. I learned this week that toilet paper can be used for clothing and not just as a butt wiping mechanism. Look at this.

2. That my family is probably the reason that by 35 I'll have a peptic ulcer the size of India with the nerves of an 75 year-old chain smoking, pill popping, gin in my first cup of coffee drinking, air traffic controller.

3. The true Story of Rick the Fly Raviloli monster. You see rick was doomed to extinction by the evil Chef Boyardee, who apparently isn't really a chef. Just a fat guy who runs the streets of Italy in a chef's hat. Anyways, Rick the Ravioli escaped the tyranny of the Chef became a monster and acquired the ability to fly. And so that is why on Dec. 25 we hold our Chef Boyardee Ravioli Cans in our left hands and say "Happy Flying Ravioli MonsterDay!" This story was confirmed by an eye witness Meaty the Meatball, who later started Meatmas.(Hi Ashley! Borschenhopper!) Here is a sample of a Meatmas song:

We wish you a merry Meatmas

and a happy blue cheese.

4. That New York Transit Workers were on Strike. Increasing the need for Cosmic Teletransporters. I'm on it! (I just need the strike to last a few days. Let me check the news... um.. nevermind)

5. That during an ice storm you can clean your whole body with baby wipes. Of course, um, I didn't need too, because I had running water. But it was comforting to know that in the event that I had no water, Baby Wipes were there. (No, I don't have kids, somebody in 1982 left some baby wipes at my house and everywhere I go, I take them. Yeah, there a Leeeeeeeettle dry.)

6. That it's wrong to say a normal festive greeting. Hey if I wanna say "Have a happy Flying Ravioli Monster day", I will! The Pilgrims didn't give their lives in the Civil War so some namby pamby anti-greeting coalition could suppress my...um excuse me, phone.

...umm yeah that was National Security. So have a nice Sunday!

7. That I truly appreciate all my bloggity blog friends. You guys are swell. Thanks for reading this crap and making it better with your comments. I lub you all. Yeah, even you Gareth.

Well, these are the lessons o' the week. Let me know what you learned. If not make it up!

By the way, I know most of you are going to have a hangover until about May, so I will prepare you for next week's assignment. WHWLTW? will be WHWLTY? That's What Have We Learned This Year? So put your thinking caps on. NOOO not Drinking Caps I said Thinking! Thinking! Oh you guys!

Love,

Undr

Quote of the Week:

[X is for x-rays you've had:]

Arm, wrist, shoulder, foot, leg, knee, hand, finger, buttocks...oh wait, that was a Xerox! Credit Supery Spy-y Girly.

She's the Funniest thing since that Webster Episode when Webster was Short!

Complaint department: Open

2005-12-23T06:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies,

With the Holidays approaching most people are in the mood to gripe and complain. That's why in the spirit of the season, I decided to re-open the Underachiever's Corner Complaint Department of Complaints and Complaining Complainers. This entitles you to complain about what ever it is that rubs you the wrong way. Unless you're with Johnny Gill and then he will rub you the right way. Anyways, what do you want to complain about? Maybe you want to complain about your brazilian wax lady's cold hands. I dunno, whatever you want to gripe about is fine by me. I get paid the same.

Well this is what I want to complain about:

1. The brilliant people at FOX have decided to put Prison Break on Hiatus until March. Where else am I gonna get my fill of jail cells and the occasional sodomy?

Fox you suxs!

2. I can't stand how cold it is when I get up in the morning. Damn you stoopid igloo!

3. I hate icestorms!

4. I wish that the holidays didn't bring out the worst in some people.

5. I hate it when you get an itch on your left butt-cheek and you're in a crowded area, with surveillance cameras. And it itches so bad you want to rub sandpaper on your butt or at least latch on to a runaway camel and let him drag you across the desert. The itching is so bad. Not that this has happened to me. I'm just saying is all.

well that's all I got how about you? Let me know if not I will SO complain about you!

love,

undr

PS Thanks for reading this crap! Love ya, mean it!

PPS By the way, if you're not in a complaining mood, then compliment something or someone. Still love ya, still mean it!

pppppS: Just in case you're wondering, I am reviewing you interview questions from yesterday's post and I will give you my decision on Monday. If you haven't done so, apply already.

Job interview.

2005-12-22T07:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Undrinis:

As you know, I have been needing an assistant here at the Underachiever's Corner. Someone professional to read my hate mail and to give their home address to protect me from the drive-by eggings and T.P.-ing. Therefore I have decided to interview you. The candidate(s) I choose will have the privilege of working under me. By under I mean on the lower bunk, because I always get the top bunk. (I've always wanted a Bunk bed!)

My previous Sexy assistant has recently been fired because I just realized "she" was a guy. (Note to self: NotJoeCheese is not short for Not Joanna Cheese.) He will remain as a highly paid consultant and he will ocasionally dance for me. Sorta like a monkey but in no way offensive to said monkey.

So, here are my interview questions. fill 'em out. Even if you would never work for me or you have a sexual harassment suit against me at this time. Just play along already! Sheesh.

1. Tell me about yourself?

2. Why should we hire you?

3. Why do you want to work here?

4. What are your weaknesses?:

5. What did you dislike about your last job?

6. Where do you see yourself in five years?

7. What outfits will you prance around in?(Very important question.)

8. Will you show undying devotion to Undr? (No is usually the answer here. I understand)

So there you have it. Answer these questions and I will pretty much just hire you. I. AM. SUCH. A. PUSHOVER!

Love,

Undr

PS Benefits and Wages: All the White-out you want* and a 100,000 a Year#. Love ya, mean it!

*Limited to one White out per family. So make it last.
# Mexican Pesos, that is. Which is roughly 2 bucks. Which in canada is 10 cents.

ABC's of Undr

2005-12-21T00:00:00.000-05:00

Editors notes: I profusely apologize for Ovr's behaviour. I hope he didn't hurt anyone's feelings. Just so you know, I beat him with a wet Genoa salami so he never hurts anyone again. Although, that's never stopped him before.
Thanks for you lovely comments. Love ya. I raaaally do!

Dear Undies,
I stole this from j2's erotic hamster stories blog. Ok she doesn't have an erotic hamster stories blog, but don't you think someone should? Anyways, this is undr's ABC, so next time wont you sing with me.

Here it goes:

[A is for age:]

30

[B is for booze of choice:]

Bacardi Rum

[C is for career]

Certified Idiot with a PHD in Stupidity.

[D is for your dog's name:]

Browngay-O

[E is for essential items you use everyday:]

Computer, and socks. Gotta have socks.

[F is for favorite song at the moment:]

"Run" Snowpatrol

[G is for favorite games:]

Strip Old Maid or Naked Monopoly or Semi-nude Chutes and Ladders

[H is for hometown:]

Clarkesville, GA (Motto: "Where your dad is your uncle")

[I is for instruments you play:]

I play a mean Kazoo and Air Harmonica and Air Ukelele

***edit*** me dont know my ABD's

[J is for jam or jelly you like:]

Toe jam and Ear Jelly. Favorite dressing: Hiney Mustard.

[K is for kids?:]

One in every state. I sponsor underprivileged rich kids.

[L is for last kiss?:]

Today. I drew lips on the back of my hand and I went at it.

[M is for mom's job:]

Psychologically Torturing me.

[N is for name of your crush:]

All my bloggie girly-girls and NotJoeCheese too.(he get's soooo jealous)

[O is for overnight hospital stays:]

When I was born I stayed over for a few days. Until the doctors realized my enormous head was not an anomaly. It was just gonna stay that way.

[P is for phobias:]

Possibly my fear of heights and being in an elevator with Dizzy Gillespie. His overinflated cheeks scare the crap out of me.

[Q is for quotes you like:]

"Don't eat the yellow snow" -Author unknown

[R is for biggest regret:]

Many.

[S is for sex:]

Yes. Please form a single line ladies. There's enough of undr to go around. And by that I mean I'm fat. 10 million pounds and groooowing!

[T is for time you wake up:]

6:30am eastern time. In california that is considered "Too damn early Time"

[U is for underwear:]

Tiger striped. Ooops I meant to say Tigger.

[V is for vegetable you love:]

None. I eat them because my mommy says I have to. Wait, Corn! That's it, Corn!

[W is for worst habit:]

Not looking at people in the eye when I speak to them. I'm usually checking out for boobage. Just kidding. Too shy I guess.

[X is for x-rays you've had:]

2 for kidney stones.

[Y is for yummy food you make:]

Ham and Cheese Sandwich Surprise. (the surprise is the honey mustard)

[Z is for zodiac sign:]

Cancer, but I don't believe in that crap. I only believe in the Bazooka Joe Fortunes and the voices in my head. (Yes, Voicey, I am good enough and strong enough and dammit people like me. Oh yeah, and one day they WILL pay)

This is it. Now try it yourself. If not I will sit in the corner and hold my breath until I get tired and then I will breathe.

love,

Undr

PS Do it on your blog or in the comments section. Don't worry you'll get paid the same. Love ya, mean it!

Have you seen this boy?

2005-12-20T03:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Ovries,

Hello my name is Ovr A. Chiever, and I am Undr's long lost evil twin brother in his head. Most of you, the Undies, have been worried about Undr's whereabouts. He told me he received Thousands of E-mails.(Actually, just one. The Subject heading was: "Penis Enlargement without chains and a sledgehammer"....um I didn't think that was possible, maybe he should look into it. Not me. I am Ovr-endowed.) Anyways, here are some of the rumors that have been floating around like corn in a toilet bowl.

1. Undr joined a cult where they smear their bodies with peanut butter and roll around in Cherrios.

2. Undr decided to become a member of the Blue Man group. (Nickname: Blue balls)

3. Undr has decided to make a spinoff of Riverdance and call it Puddlegroove.

4. Undr has become a nun. A rockin' nun.

5. Undr had an illicit affair with the Queen of England fathering a new heir to the Throne.

6. Undr was the victim of a wicked ice storm where the only power line in his town was brought down by fallen trees. Resulting in no power or phone for some days. He ran outside and cursed the ice storm countless times but it just seemed to get colder. He waited and waited by a non-functioning computer typing countless unreadable posts. Most of which consisted of the phrase "icestorms reek of suckitude!" and "Where is my mommy?" At one point he ran outside barefoot and concluded that his "feetsies were really cold." Therefore, He just went into his room and snuggled with his favorite Beanie Baby, "Wee Todd the Angry Albino Bull Frog" and went into hibernation.

7. Or maybe just 1 thru 5.

Well, Undr wishes to thank his friends and allies and yes even his enemies for sending their love, their hatred, and even their laundry.

hate,

Ovr

PS He will return. So keep your shirt on. Hate ya, mean it!

PPS By the way if you learned something last week he would sure love to read about it. WHWLTW? lives forever!

My house in the middle of the skreet!

2005-12-15T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

Cherish "Cherishy" Cherisheimer-hyphen-cherisola has graciously allowed me to steal this from her. Actually, I had tied her up before I asked her, but oddly enough she didn't seem to mind. (Just kidding, I just stole it. Love ya Cherishy!)

Anyways, this is a drawing of my dream house. As you can tell it is very practical. It has it's own pull-thingy. For when I am running from the law or Killer Care Bears.

And see the beautiful cotton candy-like plants in the garden? It is sooo purty! Now, just in case you're wondering, that is a true to life self portrait of me. Except of course, I didn't draw my love handles. Also, Brownie "Gay-ey McGaydog" is under me looking gay and peeing on my semi-comatose body. Everybody say it together; "awwww! Gaaaag!

Doesn't this make you feel like home? Or at least makes you feel the way you do when you put a wet Q-tip in your ear? Ewww!

Interestingly enough, as I drew this picture, I was being psychoanalyzed(Emphasis on Psycho). Therefore after you see the picture and right before you run to your clergyman to rid you of the nightmares that are sure to come from this, you can read my evaluation.

Here it goes:

This is what my evaluation said:

Based on your drawing and the 10 answers you gave this is a summary of your personality:
You are sensitive and indecisive at times. You are a freedom lover and a strong person. You are shy and reserved. If you've drawn a cross on each of windows, you always want to live alone. You are very tidy person. There's nothing wrong with that because you're pretty popular among friends. Your life is always full of changes.

You will avoid being alone and seek the company of others whenever possible. You love excitement and create it wherever you go. You see the world as it is, not as you believe it should be.

You added a flower into your drawing. The flower signifies that you long for love. It also safe to say that others don't see you as a flirt. You are self-confident and happy with your life.

umm if you need me I will be in the fetal position sucking on my big toe.

love,

undr(it is somewhat true)

PS if you would like to draw this picture feel free to click on the post title. Love ya, mean it!

PPS I also accept other drawings, you cute lil' artist you.

meme's rule!

2005-12-14T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

Howyoudoin? I'm ok here at fat camp. Anyways, this is another meme. It's a 2 things meme. Here are my answers. At the end, if you are still here and you haven't pulled out all you hair or teeth, please feel free to do it on your blog. If not, well then poo on you! just kidding.

Here it goes:

2 names you go by
1. Undr
2. Undi

2 parts of your heritage
1. 5o% Hispanic, african american, asian, scandinavian, irish, scottish, nigerian, redneck.
2. 75% Sheep

2 things that scare you
1. Being alone
2. Being alone with huge roaches and spiders

2 of your everyday essentials
1. Peanutbutter smelling flowers
2. Soap

2 things you are wearing right now
1. Jeans
2. My little pony slippers

2 of your favorite bands or musical artists (at the moment)
1. Coldplay
2. Foo Fighters

2 of your favorite songs (at the moment)
1. Run -Snow Patrol
2. Keane-Can't Stop now

2 things you want in a relationship (other than real love)
1. Fake Love
2. Patience (you know, the Gun's n Roses' classic love song)

2 truths
1. I joke around too much. If only I were funny....
2. My dog is gay. (He wears cut-off jean shorts and a I heart Harvey Firestein tank top)

2 physical things that appeal to you (in the opposite sex)
1. Eyes
2. Smile

2 of your favorite hobbies
1. Writing
2. Riverdancing to rap music

2 things you want really badly
1. Stupid I-pod
2. For all my bloggy friends to be happy!

2 places you want to go on vacation
1. The Galapagos Islands
2.Italy

2 things you want to do before you die
1. learn to play a gee-tar.
2. kill all the raccoons.

2 ways that you are stereotypically a dude
1. I do extreme crochet.
2. I love sports. Like the National Horse shoe nail throwing competition.

2 things you are thinking about now
1. Love is a battlefield
2. My good friend from lilburn.

2 stores you shop at
1. Stumpys Food mart and Taxidermist
2. Ingles(I wish there was a Publix here.)

2 people i would like to see take this quiz
1. You
2. You

Well it's over you can open your eyes now.

Love,

Undr

PS Thanks for your comments, questions, tongue-lashings and the occasional "howdooooyoudo?" Love ya mean it!

It's time to stand up!

2005-12-13T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies,

If there's one thing I learned from the Reverend Billy Bob "Gishy" Gisher is that you have to stand up for your rights and not just to party. Now, you know, that this blog is not political, informative or even entertaining. However, once in a while I feel like I have to stand up for the little people and get out of their way because they give me the creeps.

Anyhow, has anyone noticed the increase in prices for normal everyday items that make it necessary for our society to function?

Who makes the decision to up the prices astronomically and expect us to bend over and take it?

Who is going to put a stop to this obvious disregard for humanity?

Who put the proverbial Bop in the Bop shoo bop shoo bop?

I wish I had an answer to these and many other questions, but unfortunately, I don't. Mainly because I have a black and white television whose only functioning channel is QVC. (Wow, the GroinMaster is on sale!)

Well dear reader, it's time we took a stand against the big corporations! First, by going into
Wal-Mart and purchasing the nicest "Taking a Stand Against the Big Corporations" Flannel ensemble by Kathy Lee Gifford. And then, yelling to the big corporations; "Hey! Stop that!"

You're probably wondering why good ol' Undr is bringing this up with Secretary's Day being so close and all. The reason is because I know what I stands and I can't stands no more!

Unless you've been living under a rock, which is probably rent controlled, you would know what I am talking about. Apparently the powers that be have decided to screw the consumer and increase the prices on the Wendy's 99 cent Value Menu! To quote a very famous statesman Larry the Cable Guy; "What the hell is this, Russia?"

I am appalled! Don't get me wrong I usually don't eat at Wendy's, on account of their food tastes like feet smothered in butt. That's why I try to support our local burger joint; The Gaping Lard Hole Restaurant and Bait Shop of Gumlog, GA. However, sometimes I find myself in Wendy's taking advantage of their reasonable prices for artery clogging food. That's when I realized that some of the items were $1.29! A. Buck. Twenty. Friggin. Nine! WTF!(What the Fart!?)

Oh they try to compensate by adding "new" items on the menu: like the Fix and Mix Frosty. Which is less the two thirds the amount of Frosty with a bunch of rejected M&M's. Who the hell wants to pay $1.29 for a little bit of Frosty and 2 cents worth of retarded M&M's?

Ok I do. It's actually quite good.

Either way, you see why I am so irked by this.

So the question is: "What can we do, Undr?" Don't worry I'll tell you. You must write to your local politicians, clergy men and possibly to your elementary school cafeteria lady who looks awful lot like a man.

Here is a sample of my letter to the President of the US of A:

Dear Mr. Reagan,

Tear Down that Wall of high prices for semi-edible food! Gosh Durn it!.

You see, it's pretty easy. Just take your pen, pencil or crayon and write to your public officials immediately. If you think it will help, write to your favorite Religious Mascot. Like, Santa Claus, Hannukah Harry, Kwanzaa Ken, Muslim Morty, Buddy the Buddhist, Willy the Wacky Wiccan, and Rick the Flying Ravioli Monster. Any little bit helps.

Thank you.

Love,

Undr

PS: Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with me either. Please stop by and say hello! Love ya, mean it!

Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep my little baby!

2005-12-12T04:07:00.000-05:00

Dear undies,

Did you have a good weekend? Mine wasn't too bad. Although, yesterday I realized why Brownie may be a little light in the loafers. I woke up in the middle of the night and I noticed I(a 575lbs. petite man) was spooning with Brownie(a 4lbs gorilla chihuahua). Yeah, I know it ain't right. Speaking of odd bedroom habits, here is a little quizzy-quiz for Monday. It's sorta like deep thoughts but different.

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You have a passion for everything - including sleeping.

Outgoing and brash, you tend to still shock those who know you well.

You tend to be selfish. You are the most likely type to hog the covers.

You gravitate toward comfort and don't like extreme situations.

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

Well, it's almost true. I am a cover hog. Well, at least that's what Brownie tells me. But, I am not outgoing and brash. Just ask my Biker gang friends, they'll tell you. Then they'll beat you up. Have a good day, my friends. Take the test and let me know. If not, I'll find out anyways. Hmph!

love,

Undr

PS Thanks for your contributions to WHWLTW? We're 10 million strong and grooowing! Love ya, mean it!

WHWLTW? This is a long one, you may have to ask for a few days off.

2005-12-09T01:30:00.000-05:00

This weeks WHWLTW? is sponsored by the ASPCA so please spay and neuter your gold fish and then feed it to your pot bellied pig. Thank you.

Now back to our regularly scheduled program.

"What Have We Learned This Week?" is an ongoing segment here at the Underachiever’s Corner Slaughterhouse and Tanning Salon. You may be wondering how this works, well, Tater I’ll tell ya.

I tell you what I learned and if you like, you tell me what you learned. Any Questions? No? Good!

This is what I learned this week:

1. It's been really cold here on my side of town and I learned that my long-johns don't work.(These are Thermal underwears if you didn't know, which is mandatory attire in Canada From November to the Second Tuesday in July.) Well, they didn't work until...

2. ...I learned that you, actually, have to wear pants over your long-johns. No wonder people were staring at me. (I especially like the convenient crotch pocket. I keep my checkbook and my marshmallows there!)

3. Grapefruits can disguise themselves like mandarin oranges. Great detective work Anika! uhh I mean special agent Double-O-Ani!

4. This post made me cry. Thanks Shari. (That's where I got Tater from)

5. I am an acquired taste. Sorta like escargot, grits and a toilet brush.

Seriously, Sadie is one of my good bloggity-blog friends and by that I mean she won't let me near her children. Anyways, I was surprised she gave this dumpy ol' blog a shout-out.

This is what she said: "This is Underachiever's blog. This is probably an aquired taste. In fact, I'm quite sure of it. This author reminds me SOOO much of a friend I had in highschool. These posts sound like me and my friend's sense of humor back-in-the-day, except with better substance and smarter. I love the way the posts are like mini journal entries or letters to his fans. It's a good dose of humor, pop culture and poop."

So, first off, I would like to thank her profusely for the shout-out, I definitely don't deserve her kindness. Secondly, I would like to show her my appreciation by singing a song I wrote for her while sitting on the toilet. (lid closed, sicko!)

here it goes:

ahem...me, me, meeeee!

Sa-die, Sa-die

Sa-die, Sa-die

Sa-die, Sadie,

Saaaay-haaaay-deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee(x375 times)

(Kazoo solo)

(Air ukelele solo)

Sa-die, Sa-die

SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY-HEEEEEEEEEY-DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

cha-cha-cha

Athankyo! And thanks again to you Sadielicious, you da' man in a feminine way!

6. And lastly, I learned that there is evidence that the larger the testicles the smaller the brain and miami vice-versa. This explains a lot! (Thanks Terri, for the laughs and the insecurities.)

Well, my fellow Blogolians, this is what I learned this week. What did you learn? Let me know if not make it up. Even if you've learned nuthin', just stop by and say hello! I'll be here in the corner with my very large brain.

Love,

Undr(wee-todd-did)

PS Thanks for reading my nonsense. I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Please be safe and don't forget to read up on the linky-links. They are so much better than this. Love ya, mean it!

Comment of the week: Comes from ramblin' girl.

"those pesky little whatifs...

whatif the pain never goes away?
whatif no boy ever comes to stay?
whatif I'm supposed to make the call?
whatif tomorrow the axe does fall?
whatif I'm wrong and he is right?
whatif I can't get some sleep tonight?"

Quote of the week: "I love penguins. They are sooo cute." Credit Linda Beading gal and Hurricane Katrina Beater upper.

****EDIT****12/10/05 12:23am

Chuck Norris Post of the Week: The Chuck Norris Biography by NotJoeCheese. (This boy ain't right.)

Southern Horoscope. It's like Ms Cleo with a southern drawl.

2005-12-08T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

Yee haw! Someone sent me this in an email. It's a southern Horoscopish thingy. What is your sign?

WHAT'S YOUR SOUTHERN SIGN?

Us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people
that read them. If you are to ever fully understand all the star signs
and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true
Southerners understand:

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the
inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back
over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can
do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A
Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated
and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful, they
may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with
Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 -! March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity.
You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need
to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are
very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to
stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going
to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of
time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of
Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry
anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be
easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the
year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties,
possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a
don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. S! ometimes you become so withdrawn,
people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not
psychologically healthy but seems to work for you! You are a rare
breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You're a night person
and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in
an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the
beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub
to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive
physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication.
They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence
with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social
workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life
goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just! won't work.
Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of
the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones.
You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work
and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear
surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should
stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like
yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other
Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about
joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy,
bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where
they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to
h! elp your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your
friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and
their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much
softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody
you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the
road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop
for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party
because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter
Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel
at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody.
However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough
exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good
evening for you? Old frie! nds, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and
insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's
fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today.
You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You
probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another
somewhat kinky mating possibilities

umm I live in the south and I don't even understand some of this stuff. So just play along. This post will go away shortly. By the way, I am a Collard. Which is a green, which is still my new favorite color!

love,

Undr

PS Thanks for your comments. Love ya mean it!

Which pearls character are you?

2005-12-07T01:14:00.000-05:00

(you may have to click on the cartoon to see it better Ray Charles!)

Dear Undies:

I am a big fan of Pearls before swine. The cartoon, not so much the jewelry or the pigs. Anyways, I wanted to know which character are you? Here are the descriptions:

Rat

Arrogant, self-centered, fatalistic, philosophical and quick-tempered, Rat is obsessed with fame, immortality and making a quick buck. Spends his time with Pig because it makes him feel superior and, more importantly, no one else will hang out with him.

Pig

Humble (in fact, painfully aware of his limitations), practical, kind and a little slow in the head, Pig has few aspirations in life, other than to spend his days watching TV and doing almost nothing productive. Apparently sees something redeeming in Rat, as he is willing to endure Rat's endless barbs and numerous schemes. Kicked out of the Society of Cultured Pigs because he was caught eating a BLT.

Zebra

Just trying to stay alive. In a world filled with lions, tigers and crocodiles, this is not an easy task.

Goat

The smart one. Would rather spend his time with his snout in a book than talking to any of the other odd characters in this strip.

The Fraternity of Crocodiles

Proud members of Zeeba Zeeba Eata, a fraternity dedicated to the destruction of Zebra and other prey, the crocodiles are Zebra’s next-door neighbors. Stupid, slow and barely articulate, these particular crocodiles are a disgrace to their species.

You know I am so pig. who are you? Let me know, if not go to your room with no supper!

Love,

Undr

PS Thanks for your comments, evil eyes and wet willies! Love ya, mean it!

Whatif...Deep thoughts

2005-12-05T20:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

It seems like years since I last wrote you. It's Monday and you know what that means. No, it does not mean it's time to have a naked potato sack race. It means its time for another Deep Thoughts. Last week's question was What is your relationship deal breaker?" I was impressed with all of your answers. And by impressed I mean aroused.

Anyways, my relationship deal breaker is simple. I can't be with someone who is selfish and arrogant. That's it. Oh yeah, and I am not keen on being stabbed, at least not on weekdays.

But that's just me.

This weeks question has to do with this Shel Silverstein poem. Read on.

Whatif

Last night, while I lay thinking here,
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
And pranced and partied all night long
And sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow taller?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems swell, and then
The nighttime Whatifs strike again!

- Shel Silverstein

So, this weeks deep probe into your thoughts is What do you worry about? Yeah, what are the "Whatif's that crawl into your ear?" Let me know, if not make it up!

love,

Undr

PS Thanks for your participation in WHWLTW? I will be sending you a life-size poster of Brownie violating Toughy. It just ain't right. Love ya, mean it!

Double PS with 30 candles: You know that over the weekend, our friend from Down Under (Ireland) Gareth turned 30. I know y'all want to send him gifts. But as his self proclaimed gift checker, please forward all gifts to me and I will make sure he gets all of them. He wants an Xbox 360 and tons of cash. Of course, I will keep the cool stuff and I'll just send him my holey socks. Thanks!

WHWLTW? The learning never stops, just like the horrible itching.

2005-12-03T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies,

Another weekend is upon us and two questions come to mind; What Have We Learned this week? and, Are you my mommy?

That's right, goofy goobers, it's time for the world famous but locally owned, WHWLTW?

It has become a tradition here at the Underachiever's Corner Bar and Adult Bookstore.

Sure, it isn't anything like the UN but then again, what is?

The way it works is easy. I tell you what I learned and then you tell me. Any simpler, we'd have to draw pictures.

Anyways, here is what I learned this week:

1. That when you have a bad day, you really have a bad day. (I stepped in two, count them, two steaming piles of dog love in one day. Yup, the same day that it rained and I forgot my favorite green raincoat. I was hating life.)

2. That when you're basting a turkey, it is not appropriate to say; "I AM A MASTER BASTER, it just doesn't sound right. Next week, I'll be baiting a hook. (think about it)

3. That I am adorable. I had no idea. Thanks Cardboard Cut-out Dewey!

4. I was a runner up in Youssef, Not Queso's Brag-a-thon, which is an honor, a privilege, and for that moment I knew I was special. Just like the Special Olympics! Thanks Josephus!

5. A bidet is not a water fountain. Who knew?

6. And That my dog is gay. Yes, my friends dog Brownie McBrowniepapadapolous-Sanchez is a "Gay Homosexual"!

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against homosexuality in animals. Hey, I love Gerbils as much as the next guy. Not to mention Sponge Bob Squarepants. But, it was the way I found out that bothers me. I got home after a long day at work, only to find, Brownie humping my visiting sister's male dog. Now, I'm sure they didn't actually consummate the relationship but the fact that Brownie was riding Toughy(gayest dog name if I ever heard one) like a 25 cent drugstore horsey is really troubling. I should have seen the signs. Brownie loves to watch Bravo. He loves his show tunes and he want's to be in the Off Broadway Production of Brokeback Mountain. Not to mention his "I heart Richard Simmons" Poster. How could I have been so blind!?

Well this is what I learned this week. What about you? Let me know, if not make it up.

Love,

Undr

PS Have a good weekend. Stay Warm, Stay Cool, Stay in School! Love ya, mean it!

Quote of the Week: "and now I have to sit with people I don't know, including two guys who are hungrily eyeing the women in the room like low-hanging fruit." Credit Dewey!

Quote of the Week Runner up! "Ahhhhh it's just not Christmas until you've been dry humped by a blow up Santa on your neighbors front lawn.... " Credit Super Spy Gal!

Leprechaun post of the Week: This one. Credit Gareth.

Bad Mood!

2005-12-02T01:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies,

I was in a bad mood today! I don't know why! It was just one of those days. So what does undr do when he is ornery? He speaks in third person. Also, he represses his anger until the vein on his oversized forehead is throbbing. It's like his own personal Neon Sign of repressed bad moodiness.

Anyways, my question is what gets you in a bad mood? Yeah, What irks the fool out of you?

You know the type of bad mood, that makes you want to punch a baby seal. Or the kind of bad mood that makes you want to take that butter knife and hack at your beanie babies. (Die Bongo the monkey, Die!) Or even the type of mood that makes you write stupid nonsensical posts while you poke yourself with an elongated paperclip. uhh or is that just me?

So, let me know what triggers that nasty bad mood in you or just say hello and cheer me up. Thanks for you for being excellent athletic supporters!

undr

PS: Stay tuned for WHWLTW? No, it isn't any good, but stay tuned anyways. Love ya, mean it!

Double PS with a ornery side of hmph!: Thanks for your comments and your occasional tongue lashing. You guys are the bestest! Don't forget to check out the linky links section. It's like having a bunch of Chia Pets.

Triple PS: here are lyrics to one of my favorite bad mood songs:

Garbage

Only Happy When It Rains

I'm only happy when it rains
I'm only happy when it's complicated
And though I know you can't appreciate it
I'm only happy when it rains

You know I love it when the news is bad
And why it feels so good to feel so sad
I'm only happy when it rains

Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me
Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me

I'm only happy when it rains
I feel good when things are going wrong
I only listen to the sad, sad songs
I'm only happy when it rains

I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didn't accidentally tell you that
I'm only happy when it rains

You'll get the message by the time I'm through
When I complain about me and you
I'm only happy when it rains

Pour your misery down (Pour your misery down)
Pour your misery down on me (Pour your misery down)

You can keep me company
As long as you don't care

I'm only happy when it rains
You wanna hear about my new obsession?
I'm riding high upon a deep depression
I'm only happy when it rains (Pour some misery down on me)x4

Loves ya!

Oh thit. I have a lithp. I need thomethings!

2005-12-01T01:27:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

I stole this from my friend Anika and when I say "friend" I mean mentor and financial consultant. She "borrowed" it from Gareth who is so far the blogger with the most references to leprechauns this week. By the way Gar you were born at 9:31pm. That's my guess. I better be right! If not I will hit ye wit my shalalee!

Anyways this is what I need.

Undr needs...

... a DLL guru.(huh?)

... a new pair of shorts. ( But I love my Hulk speedo)

... information on writing partners. ( Howdy pardners!)

... a bone marrow transplant. (that sucks!)

...sex education. (I stand corrected, that sucks!)

... a speech coach. (Oh thit I have a lithp)

... to sing. ("The hills are alive with the sound of Undr!")

... to run (run undr run!)

... to support Run for the Lord (Don't I ever)

... no special equipment modifications. (umm you see, it's all me!)

...worldwide web control. (umm whatev!)

... a more accurate diary. (What you've been reading my diary? But it has the two cent lock!)

... no more training. (It's true. I am totally house broken)

...Camera phone report. (Yeah! Hurry up with that!)

... Homework assignment for next week. (Yeah! Hurry up with that!)

... to find shelter. (Right after Sex Ed. I promise!)

...your help.

... you.

Well this is what i need. What about you? Just type "your name* needs"and google it. Then let me know what you need. If not make it up.

love,

undr(needy)

PS thanks for your crying lists and to those of you who denied me the pleasure of knowing what makes you cry, I will see you after class! GRRRR! Love ya, mean it!

*Not "your name"! Your actual name goofball!

When doves cry and poop

2005-11-29T00:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies,

I was perusing through my linky links section and I realized that perusing is a funny word. Also, I realized that Janie of Janie fame had a new blog. I was a little late finding out about it because someone didn't tell me. As you know Janie is a funny gal from somewhere in the northern hemisphere. She wrote a beautiful little post about crying. If you haven't read it, it's because someone probably didn't tell you either. Because I loved this post so much, I begged her to let me use it at da Corner. Of course, she hasn't actually given me permission. Probably, because someone hasn't ..uh ok this joke is getting old.

Anyways, at the risk of getting beat up by Janie because someone won't protect me, I will give you a list of things that make me cry.

1. Onions

2. Getting kicked in the nads. i.e. nuts, family jewels, babalones, etc.

3. Sad movies. Like "Life is beautiful", "The Champ", "ET", and "Debbie does dallas 17"

4. Art. Like when I went to the Louvre in Paris, I actually shed a tear at some of the art work. Oh and "Dogs Playing Poker" is another tear jerker. This was not seen at the Louvre but at Lou's Trailer.

5. Children Suffering

6. Poetry

7. Unrequited Love

8. Regrets

9. Music

10. Airports. It has been the back drop to too many goodbyes.

11. My stupid mistakes.

12 Knowing I could never be with you.

Well, these are a few of the things that make me have something in my eye. Cuz I don't cry. Big boys don't cry!

If this isn't too painful share with me what makes you cry. If not, then...waaaaaaaah! Hey that's another one.

love,

undr(cry baby)

PS Thanks for your particpation in Deep thoughts. You guys are sooo deep! It makes me all teary-eyed. Love ya, mean it!

Deep thoughts. 11/28/05

2005-11-28T01:16:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

I apologize for not posting in like two days. I know most of you were wondering; "Where in the world is Undr San Diego?" Well, I was entertaining friends and family. Coincidently they were also off this weekend. Go figure. I was busy, but late at night, I was creeping around and reading your blogs. Of course that was after downloading Por...uh banana nut bread recipes. Yeah, that's what I was doing. Anyways, This space is reserved for deep thoughts.

Deep thoughts is becoming a regular habit like biting off my knuckle skin, which I totally don't do!

Last week's question had to do with the last meal I would have. Let me answer it, because I have to fill in this space anyways. My last meal is simple. I would love to have a New York Style Pizza with Coke(not the drug, but the drink) The Coke has to specifically be in a wax paper cup and the ice has to be crushed. Why? It reminds me of my childhood. I figure, if I'm about to get 1 billion volts of electricity shooting through my body, I might as well, think about something nice. Right after I show remorse for my chinchilla killing spree, that is. (They were asking for it!)

Anyways, that was dumb. This weeks question is...uh..I'm thinking...I'm thinking...

ah yes. What is your relationship deal breaker? Whether it's physical or emotional what is that one thing that you can not stand. So much so that it would force you to end a relationship. For example, perhaps you cannot stand someone who dresses up like a lame superhero(Captain Aardvark). Or someone who has a head the size of a watermelon on steroids . Or someone who continues to send all their back-hair to mom to put in her scrapbook. Whatever it is shallow or deep, let me know. If not, at least just say hello and go away nicely. Just kidding, stay and have some punch.

Love,

Undr

PS If you don't like this question. Here is another one: If Undr told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it in 5 seconds or 10 seconds? This question sucks. So just answer the other one. Love ya mean it.

PPS: Thanks for participating in WHWLTW? I laughed, I cried, and I wet myself. (not in that particular order.) Love ya, I really mean it!

WHWLTW?

2005-11-25T07:58:00.000-05:00

Editors Note: Thank you for your holiday well wishes. I had chicken, which is considered a vegetable by PETA. This is a combination of last week's WHWLTW? and some of this week's.
I hope everyone is doing well and that you have enough gravy in your systems to choke an elephant. Love ya my peeps! Word!

ps Not Joe, I'm sorry I couldn't get the bail money in time. All I have to say is "I pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. "Big hairy 350 lbs man". Congratulations! (BTW his name is Cupcake)

Dear Undies:

Hey Kids! You know what time it is? Noooo, it's not time for Toe Jam jamboree! It's time once again for the Greatest Show in the empty warehouse near the abandoned building on Earth. That's right! It is time once again for WHWLTW?

If you don't know what this mean. Then you get a time-out! These six letters stand for What Have We Learned This Week? It's like the NFL except we don't use steroids here. Estrogen yes, Steroids no.

How does this work? It's easy, I tell you what mucusy slime of knowledge stuck to my brain and you tell me what you learned. It's easy and not as addictive as Hooked on Phonics.

Without further Apu :

I give ye the lessons of the week.

I learnded:

1 Surprisingly enough, Secret is strong enough for a man, but made for woman. Darn you feminists!

2 That making those ready to bake Pillsbury chocolate chip cookies, does not give me the right to call myself a "Culinary Genius"

3 And that after making the aforementioned cookies, it is inappropriate to burst into a room and proudly chant "I am a MASTER BAKER." It just doesn't sound right. Sorry Grandma!

4 I also learned that when you are sick, people give you the weirdest home remedies.

For example: This is an excerpt of a real conversation I had with a friend this past week.
For the purposes of protecting my celebrity friend I have changed his name.

Prad Bitt: Undr Dude, you should like take some "Colon Cleanse" to clean your germs by way of the colon.

Undr : uhhh since when do I have a cold in my butt? I mean did you hear it cough? Cuz I sho didn't

(I apologize.)

5 and I learnded, that I am vain, and by vain I mean conceited, and by conceited I mean ugly. You see for two days now, I have been wearing only one contact lens. The other one, which I affectionately called "Lefty", fell down the drain. So instead of wearing glasses, I wore one contact. At first, I was dizzy, and bumping into things. But, thank God for that eyepatch! It made things a little bit better. Except, I can almost bet that it might have been more effective had I worn it on the eye without the contact. Oh well, "Hindusight is 20/20", Said the Gandhi.

Well, these are some of the things I learned. How about you, you little ball of love? Did you learn anything? Let me know, if not make it up!

Love,

Undilation.

PS Have a good weekend everyone. I will be a little busy over the weekend. I have two Tupperware parties to host and a Jell-O wrestling contest to judge. So, If I'm not home when you ring the doorbell, make sure you break in. Love ya, mean it!

Quote of the week: "Gotta look good in hell" Credit Shannon

Lyric of the Week: "All I want is not to need you now" credit DC "turpentine chaser"

Why I hate the Holidays, a poem that sucks.

2005-11-24T08:01:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

A lot of people here in the USA are preparing wonderful meals to commemorate the discovery on mini-malls by Christopher “Crissy-Chris” Columbus a pilgrim from Pilgrimia. He said, “Give me giblets or give me death” and the rest as you know is history. He became a meth addict and just recently was seen doing “The Surreal Life” only to be beaten up by the guy who played “Extra #2 in the “Partrtidge Family. (I think his name was Pimpy)

Anyways, as I prepared my Pop-Tart and Whiskey meal, alone in the hole I call my home; I got into the holiday spirit by writing a poem. It’s a work in progress.

It is titled:

“Why I hate the holidays”
by Undr A. Chiever (that’s me!)

I hate the holidays
Don’t get me wrong
It’s not the constant barrage
Of the same Christmas song

It’s not all the food
With all the fixin’s
Or all of the egg nog
That you will be drinkin

It’s not all the presents
That you find in the stores
Or wreath upon wreath
Placed on every door

It’s not all things
That make it sugary and nice
I’ll say it once more
And then maybe twice

I hate the holidays
I hate them, I do
The reason I hate them is because
I can’t spend them with you.

Then end.

I apologize for this crap-o-rama. I just sat down and started writing this piece of petrified poop. Yeah, I know. I’m warped.

Love,

Undrpoet schmoet.

PS Let me just reiterate, how much I truly appreciate your comments, death threats, sexy innuendos, and your pumpkin pie recipes. Love ya, mean it!

Songs in my widdle head

2005-11-23T00:00:00.000-05:00

aaaaah! I'm afraid of heights! But I can't stop smiling

Dear Undies:
Here is an oldie but a moldy. This song makes me feel all mushy and gushy inside. Sorta like bad mayonnaise. Well, I hope you enjoy these lyrics. I dedicate it to you. Not you! Yeah, you.

Dashboard Confessional Lyrics

Living In Your Letters

I'm always assuming the worst,
but you're going on none the less
& there's nothing to cushion your heart led fall.
Letters from further away
keep pulling me close to home.
And there's something to cushion my callous sighs.
And I know that you hope for
longer good-byes
embracing for forever
and falling in your eyes.

Pouring over photographs.
I'm living in your letters.
Breathe deeply from this envelope
it smells like you & I can't be
without that scent. It's filling me
with all you mean to me.

Continually failing these trials
but you stand by me nonetheless
& you won't let me sink
though I'm beggin you. (I'm beggin you)
Phone calls from further away
& messages on my machine,
but I don't ever tell you this distance
seems terrible.

There is no need to test my heart,
with useless space.
These roads go on forever
And there'll always be a place
For you in my heart

So I'll hit the pavement
it's gotta be better than waiting
& pushing you far away
cause I'm scared.
So I'll take my chances
& head on my way up there.
Cause turning to you is like falling in love when you're ten.

Love,

Undr

PS Thanks for showing me your talents. They were both disturbing and traumatizing. My talents include but are not limited to: Not drinking coffee, hating life, writing crappy stuff not worthy of abandoned bathroom stalls, running like a girl, and smelling like raw potatoes.

My last meal has yet to be decided. I'm stuck between a "liver and onions" pop-tart and a cous-cous double cheeseburger supreme. Eh! I'll tell ya later. like you care! Love ya mean it!

Undr's Beauty Pageant of Pageantry.

2005-11-22T00:50:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies,

Recently, I found myself doing what we journalist call "Research". This requires a self sacrificing attitude and lots of Twinkies. Not to mention, trying to find a decent magazine at the Rehab center, some of which may have been in circulation during the Nixon administration. Anyway, I came across an article about Beauty Pageants. I was appalled, flabergasted and flambe'd at the way that woman are portrayed in these "Meat Shows", as my uncle Bosephus would call them.

When are we gonna live in a society where women are not treated like sex objects? It is wrong, wrong I tell you! So gather your thoughts and begin to write your public officials and your bookies, and plead, no demand that they put and end to beau...Wait!

There's a swimsuit competition?

SUHHWEET!

Nevermind.

Ok Undiestains, it's time for Undr's Beauty Pageant of Pagentry.

Now, my lawyers, my sock puppet Sebembo(welcome back!) and my finger puppet Fingery, have advised me that I cannot have a swimsuit competition. This is because most of the Pictures I have of you were obtained illegally. So they say! ( I was bird watching at midnight with my high power X-Ray Telescope! Honest)

Therefore, we have to skip to the Talent competition. Yessirree, Nelly! I would like to know what special talent(s) you have. Any talent will do. Like your talent of playing Beethoven's Top 40 classics using your armpit. Or your talent of cleaning your ear canal with your tongue. Or even your uncanny talent of turning me down at the bar without even saying a word and tearing into my heart, leaving me to die a lonely lonely death...erm.. uh ... yeah.

So, show me your talents. No, No, put your shirt back on! Not those talents, the other ones.

Let me know in the comments section or blog about it. Either way, don't call the cops.

Love,

Undr

PS If you would like to send me pictures of yourself in a swimsuit(yeah guys too, I don't discriminate! *shudder*) I would appreciate it. You know it would totally be for research. Yeah that's what they would be for. Love ya, mean it!

Deep thoughts

2005-11-21T00:32:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

I appreciate your particpation in last week's WWYDTW? I hope all your weekendian plans were a success and that someone posted bail for you. If not, whatever you do, don't drop the soap! You know, because it gets all hairy and stuff. It's quite unsanitary, if you ask me.

Anyways, it's time once again, for Deep thoughts. Last week's question was ...umm... I can't remember. However This week's inquiry reflects the true spirit of the upcoming holiday. That's right, it is Groundhog's day on Thursday!

Here is this week's question...

If you were on death row about to be executed, what would you choose as your last meal?

(Submitted by: Inmate 128473 Shawshank Prison, Shawshank Prairie, Nebraska. Thanks Biff!)

What is your answer? Let me know, if not make it up!

love,

Undr

PS If you have any questions you'd like to submit, leave it in the comments section, email me or just tie a note to a brick and throw it through my window. Love ya, mean it!

NO WHWLTW? It's a miracle!

2005-11-18T12:50:00.000-05:00

Dear undies:

This week’s “WHWLTW?” Will be pre-empted to show you the following pearl and swine cartoon.

(click on cartoon if you can't see, Mr. Magoo!)

Actually, j2 asked me not to do it this week. I’m only doing it because she asked nicely. And by nicely I mean she kidnapped my sock puppet Sebembo. If she weren’t so stinkin’ purty, I would stick my tongue out at her and run to tell my momma. So this week we will do a substitute segment. It’s futuristic. It is called WWYDTW? What in the Helen Keller is that? Well, I’ll tell ya nosey! It stands for What Will You Do This Weekend? How does it work? Ok, Questiony Mcquestioner, it simple. I done tell ya what I’m doing this weekend and you tell me what you’re gonna do.

So this is what I’m going to do this weekend.

1. I’m going to a Boiled Peanut Salesman Seminar. Titled: “How to convince your customers that (a) they are not mouse fetuses and (b) they are not marinated in elephant pee.”

2. I am so gonna work on getting secret passages installed at my house. Right now all I have is windows and doors. HMPH! (Hi Anika!)

3. I will be involved in my neighborhood’s “Triathlon for a cure”. Yes, diaper rash affects .000001 percent of the Adult population (Ok,just me). With your help and with baby powder we can combat this silent itcher. By the by, when I say triathlon, it involves the “Big Three” i.e. Hopscotch, Double Dutch and Hide and Seek. I am last years reining champion. In your first grade face, Susie Mcgherkinheimer!

4. I will be dancing with myse-elf oh oh!

5. I will be thinking about joo.

That is what I will be doing this weekend. How about you? Tell me! Come on! I promise I won’t crash your party! Honest! Let me know, if not make it up.

Love,

Undistain.

PS Give me back Sebembooooo! Love ya, mean it!

Quote of the week: “aand the Meth just wore off.” Credit Joey “the Cheese” Tribbiani

Runner up: “The one with the wet spot.” Credit: Revy-Rev Billy Bob Thorton Gisher.

Second Runner up: “supple.That has to be the sexiest word, eh?it's like a cross between nipple and supper. Credit: Sadie poo.

Wasn’t even in the Running: “Damn Klansmen!” Credit: Undr

Pearls before Swine

2005-11-17T20:52:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

I apologize for not posting last night. This is no excuse, but I was saving some children from a burning building and then giving them noogies. You know, so as not to spoil them. Anywhoo, I was thinking about comic strips. I love the funny papers. I actually, buy the local newspaper just to read them. (My local newspaper is the Rectal Examiner. Motto: We get to the bottom of things.)

Here is one that I love. It's warped. But then again so am I.

Enjoy. I said "ENJOY"!

(you may have to click on it to read it. Blindy.)

Let me know your favorite comic strip(s). Or the least you can do is subscribe to the Rectal Examiner.

love,

undrbear

PS Stay tuned for WHWLTW? This week's special guest is the bum who cleans my windshield every morning. You know, the one with the weird colored Windex. Is it supposed to be black? Love ya, mean it!

OOH OOH Teacher Pick me Pick me!

2005-11-16T02:05:00.000-05:00

editors note: I have replied to some of your comments on my previous posts. I know I am a little late, but you know, being in prison and all. I am trying not to be Blog snob. Stop Looking at me like that Sadie! So go back and read my comments about your comments about my post about..well you get the picture. Thank you. May the schwartz be witcha!

Dear Undies:

I asked, no begged, to do this assignment from a resident teacher here at the corner. She is a beautiful teacher named Missuz J.

In her words, this is what this is.

"This as an assignment I gave my students that I did along with them. You start out with some listing—family memories, fears, triumphs, likes, loves, etc. Then, create a kind of a personal “found poem,” beginning each line with the phrase "I am from.'"

I am from...

I am from happy moments of solitude.
I am from listening to music in my car
I am from being complacent and sometimes not.
I am from Bronx summers and Orlando winters.
I am from times of when things seemed hopeless.
I am from 89 cents a gallon gas and a ten dollar full tank.
I am from clowning around and laughing my butt off.
I am from Romper Room, Sesame Street and Mr. Roger's neighborhood.
I am from NYC public school systems.
I am from Catholic Schools until 4th grade
I am from writing poems on napkins and receipts.
I am from stealing a kiss behind your house.
I am from dying to hold your hand and spend forever looking in your eyes.
I am from Yankee Stadium upsets.
I am from disappointed parents.
I am from Parents who loved me despite the disappointments.
I am from love letters I will never send
I am from getting lost in music
I am from loving your art
I am from arguments and deep conversations
I am from being a nerdy class clown
I am from Blogolia
I am from doing the right thing, even when I don't want to
I am from wanting to tell you so much and regretting not doing so
I am from stickball in the street
I am from Now and Laters and Sugar daddies
I am from trying to make you smile

The end...or is it?

There ya go! This is where I be from. Howsa bout you? If you'd like to do this let me know, if not... ah Just Do it already!

Love,

Undr

PS I am from many more "places" but I know you have to eat. Love ya, mean it!

Double PS with an apple for the teacher: Thanks for your comments and your secret conspiracy theory messages. and don't forget to check out the linky-links, because they are watching. THEY. ARE. WATCHING.

Do you really want to know more about me? I didn't think so.

2005-11-15T00:15:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

Here is another of those meme thingys. Please feel free and shoot me. Thank you. (Flesh wounds only. OW! Wait! Not there! Not Mr. Winky!

Here it goes:

FIRSTS

First best friend: Alex P.

First Car: 89 Plymouth Sundance (Crapola to the max!)

First kiss: First kiss: Lulu

First real kiss: Lulu Jr.

First makeout: Lulu Sr.

First big trip: New York City to Orlando Fl.

First time skiing/Snowboarding: Never been. I can't even ice skate.

First concert: Sting(don't you dare laugh!)

First Alcoholic Drink: Champale, I was 10. I got drunk on two sips. Or so I thought.

First ticket violation: 50 in a 35. I was only 17 (Cue: Winger)

First job: Servers Assistant(Bus Boy) at the Coral Cafe in the Walt Disney World Dolphin Hotel.

First date: When I was 17. I went to a Universal Studios Orlando. We had so much fun. I lost my wallet but I didn't care because I was in love. At the end of the day, I went to lost and found and behold! they had my wallet with my $83.32. It was velcro with the pockets, you know, for the change.

LASTS

Last car ride: Drove to work this morning

Last kiss: I don't kiss and tell. Ok, Brownie.

Last time you cried: The other night.

Last movie watched: Flight plan. I thought it kinda sucked.

Last food you ate: barbecue buffalo wings. mmmm.

Last love: You.

Last temptation: To buy something I really didn't need.

Last item bought: French Onion Sun Chips and a diet coke.

Last annoyance: Not having a CD player in the Rental Car from the bowels of hell!

Last time wanting to die: After the Lifehouse's "You and Me" played for the 23rd time on my road trip.

Last alcoholic drink: Long Island Ice Tea!

Last concert: Actually, I haven't told you this but I WENT.TO.SEE. COLDPLAY!

Last phone call: My grandma.

Last friend you added on MYSPACE: Stinky McStinkenheimersteinschmidt-Gonzalez-Abdul-VanCrotchengrabben.

CURRENTS

Current Best Friend(s): Jimmy

Current Car: '05 Honda Civic Silver

Current love: You

Current drink: Ice Tea

Current activity: Wallowing in my misery. oh and filling out this crap, and trying to read "The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon" By Stevie King.

Current annoyance: Dyson Vaccuum Guy! I hope he gets mauled by a runaway koala Bear.
Dyson guy: Oh look a Koala. It's Brilliant!

Koala: "chipper squeak" Translation: "Attack annoying wierdo!"

Current mood: Numb.

love,

Undr

PS: You know if you want to, you can fill one of these out and I will totally think you are rad. Love ya, mean it! (Jeanne you better, I don't care what those biotches say!---besos!)

Ok where was I?

2005-11-14T00:33:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

Let me start off by saying "Boingy"...Boingy! Thank you. I would like to thank all of your nice thoughts about my "Abuelos" that is Spanish for either Monkey Eating Buffaloes or Grandparents. (Same Difference)

You know, I don't like to get all personal on this blogulation, but what the hay!

On Friday I drove 8 hours American(10 hours Canadian) to Orlando FL. I had it all figured out. I was going to take my CD case and play the music I loved in my Enterprise Rent-A-Crap. I had at least 3 CD's and a "How To Speak Pig Latin in 10 days" cassette tape. I was packed and ready to go. About 30 minutes into my trip, I realized that the Stupid Rental car HAD.NO.FRIGGIN.CD PLAYER. AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Now, I did rent the top-of-the-line-subcompact- subspecies- no-friggin-frills-barely-had-doors-or-an-engine-for-that-matter-golf-cart-impersonator. You would think, it would've had a CD for crimeny's sake, but it didn't. So I decided to listen to the many radio stations that both the state of Georgia and Florida had to offer. Only to be bombarded by, you guessed it, the Lifehouse song: "You and Me". I guess they didn't receive the memo. Oh well, whatayougonnado?

I arrived on Friday evening in Kissimmee, Fl.(Motto: I wish I was Orlando.) I went straight to the hospital to see my grandfather. Poor old guy. He underwent triple bypass surgery and he was a hurtin'. My grandma was there too. She had an adverse reaction to some medication and and her memory is now shot. Almost like Alzheimers, but the doctors say it isn't.

Anyway, when, I saw my grandparents there in the hospital, for the first time, I realized they were old. It was weird. I had always known my grandparents as strong hard working people, and now to see them this way, I couldn't help but feel a little bit sad. They, actually, began to look their age.(Grandpa is 78 and Grandma 82. She was such a cradle robber)

Now, If you know me, like I know you do because you read the mail-order groom brochure, is that I joke around. And now I know where I get it from. My stinkin' family. The biggest inheritance I'm getting from these wackos is their sense of humor.

You see, everyone was joking around. Even Grandma cracked a few jokes about grandpa. It was too cute. To tell you the truth, it was nice to see the family pull together in this time of crisis.

As far as grandpa is concerned, he is doing fine. He'll be released tomorrow and my aunts and uncles will take turns taking care of both of them until grandpa heals.

After spending some of Friday night and most of Saturday at the hospital, I went to Outback steakhouse and had the New York Strip Steak with vegetables. I am so healthy conscience when I'm eating a slab of meat. After that I got to my aunt's house at 12:30 am and at 3:30am on Sunday, I got up and drove home. Only stopping for a bathroom break and to eat a little somethin-somethin.
It was a rough 8 hours. But I made it, much to your chagrin. Ha-ha

Just in case you wanted to know, I counted the amount of times I heard, "You and Me"....23 times in 16 hours. I couldn't buh-lieve it! Sheesh!

It's like my grandma always said, "If you don't like soup, they give you two bowls." I don't know what that means but then again, I don't think she did either.

Thanks again for wasting your time reading this malarky.

Love,

Undr

PS deep thought question of the week: For what in your life do you feel most grateful? Let me know. If not, make it up. love ya, mean it!

Double PS with stawberry sugar-free jell-o: Check out the linky-links. Because I said so that's why!

WHWLTW? If you scratch it will get worse. You scratched it!

2005-11-11T01:30:00.000-05:00

Well aaahl be. If it ain't another WHWLTW? Whooeeee!

That's right boys, girls and goats, it's time once again for the most anticipated, overrated, constipated segment here at the Underachiever's Corner Muffler Shop and Bakery. It's time for What Have We Learned This Week? It is just like a MTV but without Laguna Beach.(Sorry J2)

Here's how this durn thing works. I tell you what I learned and you tell me what you learned. Any simpler and a monkey would be typing this. Down Cheetah! Down! Bad Monkey!

Here is what I learned:

1. Hot dog buns can be used for ham and cheese sandwiches when you are sick and have no sandwich bread or hot dogs for that matter.

2 When you are sick, Nyquil is the night-time-sniffling-sneezing-coughing-aching-wake up-on the-floor-because-you-fell-out-of-bed-so-you-can-rest medicine.

3 Daytime TV sucks! If I see Judge Judy again, I may just shoot myself!

4 I still had my appetite despite my sickness. General Tso's chicken is the best! I salute you General Tso, sir!

5 I learned that I have some very nice bloggy friends. Thanks for you're love, get well wishes and occasional sexual harassment. I especially liked the headless lawn gnomes you put in my front yard. They were so festive.

This is what I learned this week. Sorry. I was sick for 3 days. But you have no excuse. What did you learn this week? Let me know, if not make it up!

Love,

Undr

PS Thanks again for your comments on this and my other posts. Oh yeah, and don't forget to support the Linky-links. I promise they are on their medication. At least I hope so. Love ya, mean it.

Note: I did WHWLTW a little earlier than usual, because later today, I'm driving to Orlando. I visiting my sick grandparents. Grampa had open heart surgery yesterday and he's been battling prostate cancer. And Grandma, well she isn't doing too good either. So, I'll just drive down, visit them and be back on Sunday, I hope. Anyways, what do you want me to bring you back? Mickey Mouse souvenirs? Nah, I don't think they have that in Orlando. See ya!

Quote of the Week: "Put it in the Baby Book!"

Difficult decision

2005-11-10T00:37:00.000-05:00

Dear Undies:

There comes a time when a man has to step up to the plate* and do the right thing. And that man is me.

Let me be honest, this is probably one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make. But to quote my father "Yeah, this is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you. But I assure you one thing, you will be the one crying"

Literally, I have spent hours up at night trying to find the way to tell you. Therefore, I implore that you realize that this decision was not made with haste. It took me at least ten minutes tops.

At the same token, I am very aware that some of you will be angry. And most of you will be downright pissed. Which makes this decision all the more harder.

But at the end of the day if I don't do it, I will not be able to live with myself. Please understand that this is something I. Must. Do.

Therefore, I will tell you in the same fashion I pull off a band-aid. Slowly and carelessly.

My fellow Undies, I have taken it upon myself to retire Lifehouse’s “You and Me”

(Pause for effect or for a sandwich. Make mine with wheat!)

I know, I know, it is a beautifully written song. But enough already. I mean 97 percent of the Radio Stations play it, sometimes simultaneously. Even the R&B stations have an “Extended Club Remix” of this song. "YO-YO you and me and all of the peeps, yo"

Heck, I think they even played it on the Christian station( called 93.1 The Judger. Whose motto is: “it’s the Devil’s music with a little bit of guilt and love. But mostly guilt.")

So for those of you who don't know this song or it hasn't melted into every crevice of your memory, here be the lyrics:

You And Me

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

And with a tear, I give it a heart-felt goodbye.

Of course, you can bring it back for an emergency, like a wedding or for a graduation dance or for a rite of passage when you become a man by eating a churro or even one of those days when you want to think of me.

But for the good of all that is... um... good, just let it go. *sniff* I promised myself I wouldn't cry. It was a pinky-promise too.

Remember, if you love something set it free, if it comes back, call the cops.

Love,

Undr

PS please send Hate mail to NotJoecheese. He is my hate mail advisor and also my human shield. Just kidding Joey! (*whisper* no-i-am-not) Love ya, mean it!

PS Please check out the linky-links. Now those are real bloggers. Thank you.
*sorry for the basketball reference.

A song

2005-11-08T18:20:00.000-05:00

editors note: Still sicky, but feeling much better. Thank you for your get-well wishes and the many boxes o' soup I recieved via express mail. I must admit, they were just a bunch of soggy boxes but it's the thought that counts. I will post, because the show must go on. Here is a lil' song, I like. Hope you like it too.

Dear Undies:

Just wanted to share a song . It reminds us that, no matter how hard things seem to be right now, everythings not lost. So I dedicate this to you.

Coldplay

Everything's Not Lost

When I counted up my demons,
Saw there was one for everyday.
With the good ones on my shoulder,
I drove the other ones away.

So if you ever feel neglected,
And if you think all is lost,
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah,
Hoping everything's not lost.

When you thought that it was over,
You could feel it all around.
Everybody's out to get you,
Don't you let it drag you down.

If you ever feel neglected,
And if you think all is lost.
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah,
Hoping everything's not lost.

If you ever feel neglected,
And if you think all is lost.
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah,
Hoping everythings not lost.

Sing out oh oh oh yeah
Oh oh yeah
Oh oh yeah
Everything's not lost
Come on yeah
Oh oh yeah
Come on yeah
Everything's not lost

Love,

Unkle Undr

PS Do you have a request and dedication let me know. Post it on your blog or just in my comments area. (Hey I'm a regular Casey Kasem!)
The best one will receive a paper clip. Autographed by yours truly. Love ya, mean it!

PPS: Let's keep Cherishy in mind, she lost her nana this week. We love ya Cherish!